Dear Princess Celestia, I Figured Out Your Biggest Secret
This was the fifth morning in a row that Spike woke up to Twilight babbling nonsense. He decided that this time was all or nothing. Spike grabbed a mirror from one of the shelves. If the baby dragon couldn’t talk Twilight into breaking her obsession, then he’ll have to show the alicorn what her pointless research made her become.
Spike walked downstairs to once again find countless papers and books were strewn across the floor haphazardly. He insisted multiple times on cleaning the mess, but Twilight would always take a stance against that, always saying that the irrelevant sheets of paper was vital to her research.
Twilight, with a disheveled mane, maniacally pranced to one of the bookshelves, quickly searching through its remaining contents. “A-ha!” The princess finally found the book she needed. The blue paperback, titled Mammals of the World, was relatively thin compared to what Twilight usually read, but it was still important to her weeks of research.
The alicorn quickly flipped through the pages. “Of course! Why didn’t I think of this before?!” Once the princess was done, she threw the book onto the pile of junk of the once well kept floor of the Golden Oak Library.
Twilight quickly trotted back to her desk and picked up a pen, accidentally spilling her coffee she made for herself hours before in the process. Twilight went on with writing on her notepad; trivial things like coffee were extraneous when the fate of Equestria lied on the secret she desperately searched for, and was on the brink of finding.
"Are you still on this Illuminati stuff Twilight? It’s been about three weeks now.”
“I can’t stop Spike, not when I’m this close.”
“You’ve been up all night for five days in a row now, you should get some sleep!”
Twilight went on with writing. “Spike, I’m extremely close to proving that Princess Celestia is in the Illuminati! You don’t realize that we’ve been lied to our whole lives, everypony in Equestria has been lied to!”
"For the final time Twilight, Princess Celestia is not in the Illuminati!"
Twilight finally stopped writing, she flipped back to the first page of her notepad. “If I tell you everything I’ve found so far, there will be no doubt that you’ll be on my side.”
“Don’t you think you’ve become a bit obsessed with this Illuminati nonsense? I mean look at yourself Twilight!” Spike pulled a mirror in front of Twilight’s face. Twilight stared at her hideous reflection, remaining stoic the whole time.
“If that’s what it takes to save Equestria, then so be it.”
Spike became aggravated for Twilight’s lack of self-concern. “I swear I’ll get Princess Celestia herself to come over here to put some sense into you,”
“So you don’t believe me?”
“No! I don’t see why anypony would believe your constant ramblings.”
“If I tell you, then will you believe me?”
“No!”
“Will you at least give me a chance?”
A tear ran down Twilight’s cheek, when she needed his assistant, his friend the most, it seemed like even he left her. Spike could detect this modicum of sadness now expanding. He realized what she needed now more than ever was a friend on her side.
“Fine,” Spike finally succumbed to Twilight's moment of need.
“Thank you Spike. Oh wait, before I tell you, I suggest wearing sunglasses because shit is about to get real sunny."
I might’ve just been duped, Spike thought.
The song Mind Heist started to play in Twilight's head as she started to once again quickly trot across the room.
"Princess Celestia, she controls the sun. Sun, praise the sun, Dark Souls. Dark Souls has nine letters in its name. Spike, do you know what else has nine letters in its name?"
Spike stared into the ceiling to think of an answer. "Uhhhhhhhh....."
"That's right! A marsupial. Marsupials are an infraclass of mammals that live primarily in Australasia and the Americas."
"Australasia?" Spike got a confused look on his face. "That exists?"
"Yes, it does, now let me get to the point! A well known marsupial is a kangaroo. Kangaroo, Kangaroo Jack. Do you know what else rhymes with Kangaroo Jack?"
"Applejack?" Spike guessed.
"NO! It's obviously Sonora lac! Sonora lac is secreted by a scale living on twigs of certain Mexican shrubs. It's used locally as medicine. Medicine, disease, Ebola. Ebola is found in Africa. Zecora is a zebra, which is also found in Africa. Does Zecora have Ebola? Probably.”
To think that Spike actually thought that Twilight was going to say something intelligent.
Twilight continued her rambling as the music in her head grew louder. “Ebola has five letters, Celestia has eight letters.”
"Let me guess, eight minus five is three, there are three sides on a triangle, so Illuminati confirmed."
"Woah, woah, slow down Charlie Brown. Charlie Brown, Lucy, football, Super Bowl, Patriots, Deflategate, Tom Brady. Tom Brady has eight letters in his name, Celestia is also eight letters. Is Princess Celestia really Tom Brady? Does this have anything to do with the Illuminati?"
"Um, no it doesn't, and you're not making any sense!" Spike's eyes squinted at the purple alicorn.
"Um, yes it does, it has a lot to do with the Illuminati! Let me explain! Eight plus eight is sixteen, the word Otolaryngologist has sixteen letters, Otolaryngologists diagnose and manage diseases of the ears, nose, sinuses, larynx, mouth, and throat, as well as structures of the neck and face. I whispered in your ear when I first told you of this, so I probably gave you Ebola, Twilight Sparkle has fifteen letters in its name, Ebola has five letters, and fifteen minus five is ten, Princess Luna has twelve letters, twelve minus ten is two, Princess Luna has two eyes, her sister Princess Celestia also has two eyes and two divided by two is one, there is one eye in the Illuminati so," Twilight took a deep breath to recover. "Princess Celestia is Illuminati confirmed!"
"That was the stupidest thing I've ever heard you say," Spike covered his face with his hands.
Twilight was flabbergasted at that reaction. Weeks and weeks of research and it was only doomed to be denounced as stupid? Twilight wasn’t going to let that go by. She needed to do something, something to show the little dragon who’s really crazy. "Do you want me to prove that you're in the Illuminati?!"
"I'm not in the Illuminati Twilight."
"Oh really?! Let's find out! Spike, Spike is a dragon. You know what else is a dragon?"
"Oh Celestia, help me," said Spike as at this point, he started to walk back up the stairs.
"That's right! Saphira! Saphira is blue, you know what else is blue?!"
Spike continued to march up the stairs, he wanted to get back to sleep.
"That's right, Rainbow Dash is also blue! Is Rainbow Dash a dragon?!" Twilight became cross eyed as she stumbled forth into insanity. Princess Celestia, with two soldiers of the Royal Guard, stormed into the Golden Oak Library to witness her student's downfall. She wasn’t going to let anypony, not even her most faithful student expose her. "I don't know!" Twilight continued yelling like a maniac. "Rainbow Dash is fast! You know what else what else rhymes with fast?!"
"How about shut up at last!" Celestia pointed her hoof directly at Twilight. "Take her away!" The two guards grabbed Twilight and dragged her towards the exit of the Golden Oak Library.
"I'LL EXPOSE YOU!" Twilight boomed as she struggled to break free from the grip of the two guards. "I ALREADY KNOW YOUR SECRET, SOON EVERYPONY WILL!"
"That's what you think," Celestia grew a malicious smile on her face.
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This was as dumb as I expected it to be. Liked
Reminds me of Bart Simpson and Major League Baseball.
I have a friend who can go on a twenty minute roundabout rant to prove alarm clocks are in the illuminate.
Seriously. He did that once. Shame he's moving, I'd love to record one of those rants to expose him as an illuminate member. Somehow.
Dun dun dun!
And this shows how insane these Illuminati theories are.
Wait
Insane has 6 letters.
Twilight is insane.
Twilight Sparkle has 15 letters in her name.
15 - 6 = 9.
There are six sides to a hexagon.
9 - 6 = 3.
A triangle has 3 sides.
3 - 3 = 0.
That's how many shits I give.
Uhh.................................................................... I legitimately have no idea what to say about this story.
I'm in the Illuminati, but it isn't all that great. All we do is figure out how to make Steve Guttenberg a star.
dis story is Dank,i rate it 9/11
"Dank Lerminarty can't melt Dank Fic"
-Inside Pussi
gr8 b8 m8, i r8 8/8
Brain cells burned adequately. GG.
6188674 Really? How did you get in?
6189341
My father was a member.
6189421 So...your being serious about this...huh
This is awkward.
6189437
I said my father was a member, I didn't say he was in the Illuminati.
6189443 There's a difference?
6189452
Work your way through the other meanings of that word.
6189454 Yeah so he's retired...I'm just a little caught of guard...I thought you were kidding.
Who knew that some stories have exactly a total if 1,000 words?
I should have read this while intoxicated. Still funny as-is though!
Well, now we know whoever approved this at FiMFiction is the one who's letting all the trollfics through.
Oh my God.
Best Eragon reference ever. 30/10 triangles.
But wait, 30/10 is an improper fraction. 30/10 is 3. Three sides to a triangle. This comment rating is illuminati confirmed.
(But seriously the Eragon reference was awesome)
Dafuq did I just read?
Still lolololol
Well, that was... subpar.
Take an idea that could actually work... waste it on cheap yuks. Good going, stay that course. Hackdom awaits.
Have a well-deserved dislike.
With all the issues in this story (poorly disguised meta joke aside), this is by far your biggest issue. There is almost zero "show" in this story, and basically 100% "tell". You don't show us what the characters are thinking or feeling or anything like that in order to make them feel alive. Instead, we are simply told absolutely everything because obviously this story thinks that anyone who reads it is utterly incapable of understanding what context is. The above is a great example. You don't need to tell us it makes her look insane. We already know that.
Beyond that, I don't even get the point of this. I actually love the ridiculous Illuminati jokes I'll see videos of on Youtube. The absurd nature of them always makes me laugh. This? This has nothing to do with MLP. I mean, I honestly have no clue why you even made this a story, because that entire joke doesn't actually work as a story.
Next in the story of Princess Sparkle's discovering of Princess Celestia's darkest secret, how the Princess of Friendship makes a daring escape from the hands of The Illuminati using the power of math and Dewritos.
That was quite funny.
Loved it!
Brilliant
i did a dramatic read of your fan fic
"I suggest wearing sunglasses because shit is about to get real sunny." As soon as I read this, I immediately had to stop reading to upvote this masterpiece.
Man, this was the funniest fanfic I've read in a long time. Thank you, thank you very much
I am planning on doing a dramatic reading for this. That is, if I don't keep failing and youtube lets me upload...
Dearest Sir/Madam/Alicorn Princess of the Silver Brick, while I loved the premise, and was quite prepared to worship this fic in all its asinine glory, there was a glaring issue I noticed the moment I started reading it - namely, you forgot one of the most important rules of writing; show, not tell.
This paragraph is an excellent example.
You see, sir/madam/asexual lizard in a robot suit, the first sentence says that it was 'the fifth morning in a row that Spike woke up to Twilight babbling nonsense.' While this is a perfectly innocent sentence in it's own right, it is a boring, bare-boned introductory sentence. It would have made of a much better opening if you had described Spike waking up, Twily's babbling wafting up the stairs in irregular bursts, the grouchy demeanour of the dragon as rose to greet an immensely stupid morning. These details will help draw us into the world, invest the reader in the story being told. In fact, the importance of details and engaging writing goes two-fold for this sentence, as it is the first sentence of the fic. This is what people will judge you for, and the pickier readers will pass your story by with nary a backwards glance if it is not up to scratch.
This sentence was useless. It was awkwardly phrased, mildly out of place and added nothing of value to the story.
Awkwardly phrased once again, but kudos for the snippet of showing in the first sentence. While it would have been nice to see something like 'Spike stomped over to the stairs, taking a small mirror from the shelf as he went,' this sentence is still a step in the right direction. The second sentence, however, was tedious, boring and very tell-ish. Not that there's anything wrong with telling, it's just that this is awkward, boring, bare-as-bones telling, which is infinitely worse.
I could also point out how much better your story, especially the funny bits, could have some grammar-related changes in order to really make the story shine, but I am far too lazy. But do bear in mind that the presence - or lack thereof- of a specific punctuation mark on a specific spot can make or break the sentence it was placed in.
Now, your story is quite good in other aspects - excellent premise, good characterisation, decent dialogue, et cetera, but the telling, and the okay-but-could-be-so-much-better grammar really turned me off. Just proofread your work a little more - preferably out loud - and get a decent editor, proofreader, pre-reader or somepony else to help you polish the story and your work could be incredible.
Good luck with your stories!
Wake up sheeple....learn the truth
https://m.What did I just read? That had to be the absolute most convoluted "reasoning" I have ever read. My brain hurts. I think it's going to quit it's job.
This story was great! It was just what I needed to get myself out of the bad mood I was in. Thank you.