• Member Since 2nd Oct, 2011
  • offline last seen Oct 27th, 2014



A strange yet convincing creature comes to Twilight in her dreams, seeking to twist her mind and ideals against the Princess.
Under the creature's influence, what will become of her and what will be of the future of Equestria?

This is my first attempt at fan-fiction ever, so any kind of feedback is greatly apreciated, especially when it comes to grammar, since I speak Portuguese.

Chapters (11)
Comments ( 25 )

Interesting, but I need more to make a judgment.

oh discord you can make anything fun

32261 Well, here is chapter two
I just hope it lives up to your expectations, having someone expect something of you makes your work come out better.
And thanks for commenting, sorry i didn't answer earlier, I was waiting for me to finish the chapter.

♫♥I look forward to reading what happens next in your story♥♪

34128 Thanks, good to see that there's people apreciating it, I'm doing my best here
Also, I've already got some ideas for the next chapter so if everything goes on well it shouldn't take long
Thanks for commenting

really like the story the take on equestrian history is interesting. just want to point out a mistake in the intro "A strange yet convincig creature". beyound that i didnt catch anything. cant wait for the next chapter.

42575 Thanks for ponting it out, already fixed (no idea how did that pass spellcheck)
I'm trying to make the history as plausible as possible, without making it too long or confusing
The next chapter might take a while since my finals are sucking away my time like leeches, but I'll try to work on it asap
Thanks for commenting

no problem i know how messed up spellcheckes can be sometimes like how the story is going.

Twi's mind appears to be a rather dangerous place:twilightsheepish:

49227 You have no idea
Just wait and see

Needs to be revised a bit. Spelling errors and such....
Otherwise its ok.

Holy shit, This is an amazing story.:pinkiehappy:

This is a pretty good story but you keep making the same grammatical error and it makes the dialog confusing and it's really bugging me. When a new person starts talking, it needs to go on it's own line.
"Like this would be person a"
"And this would be person b"
You don't need to say who says each line if it's just back and forth.

"Now if someone has a really long speech that they give, but you want to have a break in the text block without having someone else talk, there are ways to do this.
"While it may seem wrong to leave of the quotation mark like I did, it is actually proper to do so but the option is yours>"

Just your friendly neighborhood grammar nazi. :eeyup:

93233 Thanks for the heads up, grammar nazis are the best friends of those that lack a proof reader (Anyone interested?)
I'll look out for that in the next chapter(s) and stories

Nice :pinkiehappy: Why Twilight doesn't do to Discord what Discord would have done to Luna I don't know =P Although there's probably something against protagonists smashing their foes with a big club.

126869 You can't solve all your problems just smashing them with giant clubs you know.
Jokes aside there's a reason for her not just killing him on the spot, I'll get to that soon

Good story, can we expect something in the future? :eeyup:

A lovely story. Well.... as lovely as Twilight being mind controlled, killing Celestia, going (kinda) comatose, having her friends all nearly die recovering her, and then finishing off Discord is.

Hope to see more from you in the future :pinkiehappy:

133195 Well... that's what you get when you try to get a Stephen King logic on ponies, especially with Discord involved

133152 Thanks, and yes there will be a new story soon, I have some ideas for a sequel for this one, although this time it's going to be first-person and jump from character to character (I still have no idea of how I'm suposed to see things from Pinkie's point of view). I'm still experimenting.

monty python refrences :D
Great story so far!

Good... although the dialog is a little confusing, which makes the story somewhat harder to follow.
-Mortem aut gloria. Eligere sapienter.

Login or register to comment