• Member Since 11th Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen August 29th

The Crystal Maiden


| Writing is the reason I live. With writing, I can express myself. With writing, I can make anything possible. | 19 year old Brit with a somewhat unhealthy MLP obsession. But she's proud of it.

T
Source

Equestria has been invaded.

An old enemy has returned from the shadows, overthrowing civilizations, leaving ponies in terror, and the Princess of Friendship is imprisoned.

Now Rainbow Dash – element of Loyalty and former Wonderbolt – is trapped in the middle of a war, as leader of a Cloudsdale troop. It is not a role she ever wanted, but the brave pegasus will have nothing to go home to unless Equestria is made safe once again.

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Proofread with the help of JP Sanders.
Artwork by UP1TER

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 17 )

A good start to a serious pony fic about war. I hope you will add this to the "Epic Pony War" group (if you haven't already).

I like light-hearted and humorous fics as well as the next brony, but serious (I would say "adult" but that has come to mean something else) are terrific because these characters are so good that it works with them. That really says something for a show and its characters when they work as well in a serious or tragic tale as they do in a humorous or juvenile one.

6530648 Thanks so much for the comment! I agree with you that it's good to delve into a serious story based around a usually light-hearted show, which is one of the reasons why I enjoy writing this.

I hope you will stick around and enjoy future chapters! :) And I will find that group. Thanks!!

6530681 OMG...a GIRL talked to me!!! :derpyderp1::heart::derpyderp2:

I'm scared! :pinkiegasp:

6530694 A girl's NEVER talked to you before? Surely not. XD

Don't panic, everything's fine, silly! :pinkiehappy:

6530697 Merely a running gag of mine. Don't take it to heart.

I do find females terrifyingly intimidating, however.

Kudos.
I am curious to find out who the big bad is.
I usually tell readers who the enemy is at the start, so I am curious
how you handle this.

I will read more to see how you do the reveal of the enemy.

Ch-ch-ch-changeling. Have to fight one again and face the pain!

Kudos.
Apologies to you and David Bowie.

"She glared at the changeling as it stared nervously up at her, its fangs grinding with fear. "
I don't understand this statement.

Other than that, its a good read.

6618226 Thank you so much for the comments! I'm so glad you find the story at least interesting! XD

With that statement, I can see how I might write it better. Just out of curiosity, which bit is it you don't understand?

Regardless, I appreciate your comments! They made me smile. ;)

6618268
The grinding fang part.
What is its fangs grinding against?

Is this like chattering teeth?

6618286 Sort of. But it's more like it's fangs are clenched tightly because it's feeling very tense.

6621887 Wow, first of all, I wasn't expecting you to leave such a long comment full of so much constructive feedback, so let me just say THANK YOU for that. I appreciate you taking the time to look through and give me detailed criticism. :)

I'm glad you like the way the story's opened; I deliberately tried not to reveal too much about the battle to leave a little bit of mystery for readers, but I wasn't sure how it would work out. Happy it suits you though!

"Personally speaking, this felt like part of a chapter, rather than a complete one in itself..."
It's very funny you should say that, because this originally wasn't the complete chapter; I initially wrote this chapter and the second as a whole chapter! But after advice from my editor, I cut the two of them shorter because a long first chapter can be daunting for some readers. But I understand it can be down to personal preference. If it works well for the pace, then that's great.

Anyway, I've looked at all your other points, and you are right about everything. I'm aware that my descriptive writing style can sometimes be a bit much since it may detract readers from characters. I know I need to work on not 'waffling' as much.

And what you noticed with the lines needing to break was an accident on my part; I copy and paste my work from a word document to this site and it ends up having everything clumped together with no breaks so I have to do the line breaks myself. I just forgot about the two you noticed so I'll edit them now! XD

But yeah anyway, thank you so much for your comments! Like I said, I wasn't expecting that, so it was gracious of you. I'm very glad you like the opening chapter but I also know there are things I must work on.

Off to do some small edits now! Thank you!

I SO hope they don't torture it. Torture is for amateurs who have no clue how to get information from an individual.

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