-Comin' back on the rebound!- I'm the guy who specialises in Spike stories.
Rarity and Spike head off into the Everfree Forest at night to find a rare type of diamond for a dress order and encounter a Changeling. After Spike remains victorious, they head home. Shortly afterwards, another Spike turns up, and Rarity must find out who the real Spike is.
Also, I have no Spike and Changeling picture, have a somewhat relevant picture.
EDIT: Made a few changes, thanks to MetBoy's suggestions.
(Comments and Criticism are appreciated as always.)
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Well, grammar is good, which is a relief to me.
It is a good story, but there is little depth and lack of a good feel to the story. It isn't that bad though given how quickly you made it.
I got reminded of Red Dwarf for some reason after reading this.
Anyway, great little fic you have here.
635884 Well, this was based on the episode 'Psirens', so you are quite clever for recognising that.
636075 Thank you!
I love Red Dwarf anyway.
I'll confess, it was the line about not having a directly relevant picture that caught my attention. But I couldn't read through the whole thing... Here are some things that bugged me that you could fix:
When you've got one-line back and forth dialog like you have, tab indents are your friends. They make things much easier to read.
More description of action is also your friend. When Rarity took the gems from the smelly hole, did she use her mouth? Unicorn Powers? Did she wipe them off before putting them in her bag?
Starting each line with the character's name feels clunky; you've established in the description that there are only the two of them, one he and one she. Limit their names to no more than once, each, between the double line breaks.
Now, as for ways to make the most of the story idea, here are some suggestions:
Confine the descriptions to just what Rarity experiences/knows at the moment.
Once you've stopped mentioning always each character's name in each line of back-and-forth dialog, you've got a great chance to convey Rarity's confusion by not having it precisely clear which Spike says what. e.g.:
He said, "I'm the real Spike!"
He interjected, "Don't listen to that liar, I'm the real Spike!"
636533 I like what you've said, and I may make a few changes. Again, I did make this story in about an hour, and I was tired, but still, you're right, I should make some changes. It would've been nice if you read it fully, but hey, that's life.
I don’t care if you don’t think it’s safe, it’s our job to find these—“
Dam Rarity way to be a Bit*H anyways i liked it
I do wish Spike got some at the end the real Spike not the fake one. I mean come on he could have used some love and it looks like Rarity likes him back. Do i Smell love in the air. or maybe its his hands.
Anyways nice for a one-shot i can see it having more to it.
Bottom Line I LIKE IT.
this is a pretty good story defintly one of my favorites keep up the good work.
Poor little thing...
Idk why i find the title misleading for the game
it's not that bad
973700 That was the whole idea.
I tried mountain dew for the first time today.
3827465 I wish it did. I was more of a Streets of Rage guy myself.
Huh, fun story, but I found one bit jarring, when Rarity says "I thought so, but some of them must have survived." It makes it sound as of she was disappointed that they didn't all die, which isn't the case since they don't kill it at the end. Changing it into something like "I guess some must've his away" or "I guess some came back" would work better in my opinion.
Cya
Raziel-chan
If you want a Spike and changeling pic, there's one from "The Times They Are A Changeling"... I'll link it here: Pic is here