Chapter 22
Feeling exhausted, Holly climbed up the stairs to her home at 211 ½ Factory Way Road. She was tired, sticky, reeked of smoke, and she was looking forward to a hot bath and then a comfortable chair. The day had been too long and fire gremlins were far too annoying.
The fact that she was certain to see more of them on the job irked her.
Hitting the latch on the door, Holly opened it and stepped inside. She stood just inside the door, shut it behind her, let out a weary sigh, and then began to slip out of her heavy coat. She hung it on the rack by the door and then stood there, taking a few deep breaths, and thinking about how happy she was to be home.
“Madam,” Alfredo’s soft voice said, “you have visitors. They are upstairs on the second floor and have been made comfortable.”
“Aw, nuts.” Holly scowled.
“Madam, I could show them to the door, but I think that would be unwise.” Alfredo’s lips pressed into a straight line and one eyebrow raised. After a moment, he added, “One of them is an Agent of the Crown.”
“Oh double nuts.” Holly just wanted a bath. A bath… was a bath so much to ask? “I need a drink, if you don’t mind.”
“Yes, of course, Madam,” Alfredo replied, “I shall get you a drink at once and when it appears they are about to leave, I shall draw you a bath. Madam has been working hard.”
“Yes, Madam had to fight with fire gremlins today.”
“Oh, my apologies, Madam. Those are nasty. Alchemical accidents are the worst.” Alfredo nodded and then turned tail, heading off to the kitchen.
Now feeling both exhausted and annoyed, Holly went up the stairs to check upon her visitors. She moved with a heavy slowness, every bone in her body ached, and she had a powerful thirst. She was hungry too. She hoped that her guests had a good reason to be here.
At the top of the stairs, Holly froze when she saw Fink Apple. She was not expecting to see him sitting on her sofa. He had red bloodshot eyes and he twitched in a fitful manner. The pony sitting beside him was wearing sunglasses and was dressed in a fine suit coat. A somewhat weathered looking grey fedora sat on the table in front of him.
The pony in the sunglasses was a brick wearing a suit.
Holly was a big mare, of that there could be no doubt, but the brick in the suit made Holly feel as though she was a filly. He was broad withered and had legs like tree trunks. The tips of his ears were tufted.
And when he smiled, his teeth were all pointed.
“Greetings, Holly Heartwood. Shall I call you Miss Heartwood or would you be offended?” the brick wearing the suit asked.
“Just call me Holly,” Holly replied as she took a cautious step forward.
“Ma’am, Holly since you insist, there is no need for you to panic. My name is Warden Grimes. This, as I am sure you know, is Fink Apple. This is no mere social visit, this is the first step on Fink’s recovery.”
Taking slow steps, Holly moved to a chair and sat down, her eyes focused on Warden Grimes and his mirrored sunglasses. He had bat like wings at his sides. For a moment, his tongue flicked out and Holly was almost certain that it was forked. She felt a growing sense of unease.
“Fink, didn’t you have something to say to the nice mare?” Grimes asked.
The bleary eyed colt nodded and then began to tremble. “Ma’am, I’m real sorry for hitting you, Ma’am, that was wrong of me.”
“What did you do to him?” Holly demanded. “Did you scramble his brains? Make a mess of his mind? I’ve heard a few stories… it ain’t right, messing with another ponies mind like that, so help me—”
“Ma’am, Holly, I assure you, I did nothing. Fink merely lived up to both his nature and his namesake. A little bit of pressure and he folded. He cooperated and saved himself a lot of trouble.” The brick wearing a fine suit turned and looked at Fink. “See Fink, what did nice Warden Grimes tell you… even though you wronged her, she is still concerned for you and is worried about your well being. See, this is how good ponies are supposed to act.”
Holly, confused and still a little angry, let out an uncertain wicker.
“Holly, a good pony, I do believe was ready to make a mess out of me because she thought I might have tampered with your mind. She moved to protect you, a worthless reprobate, because of her inherent goodness. Are you learning?” Grimes’ soft smile turned into a hard scowl.
Fink Apple nodded and then muttered, “She’d make a mess out of you I think… wait till she hits you with a dumpster.”
Chuckling, Grimes smiled once more. “You see Fink, with some hard work, you can be accepted back into society. Good ponies will take care of you and look after your needs. Holly is a good pony. She works to make our society better.”
“And I worked to make it worse.” Fink hung his head and then began to sniffle.
“Wait, so you brought him here to teach him a lesson?” Holly asked, still feeling and sounding short tempered.
“Fink refused to believe that any pony could be nice to him or would be kind to him because of who and what he is; a scummy reprobate. All he can see is the bad in ponies. I had to show him that he was wrong, and make him see the goodness in the better members of our society. He just needs to find a better class of pony to spend time with. In time, when he gets better, when he gets reconditioned, when his recovery allows him to do so, he will.”
“Ten thousand hours of community service,” Fink said in a low whisper.
Blank faced, Holly sat in her chair and tried to take it all in. She heard the soft clunk of a glass being set down beside her and the clink of ice cubes against the glass. Without even turning her head, Holly said, “Thank you, Alfredo, you’re the best.”
“Oh, I know, Madam, there is no need to tell others about it,” Alfredo replied as he moved away.
Wrapping her fetlock around the tall tumbler, Holly lifted it and took a sip of the ice cold and refreshing gin and tonic. It was piney and delicious. She studied both Fink and Warden Grimes as she sipped. She had to assume that the red leg in the photos must not have been Finks.
“Why would you get on his case for messing with my mind?” Fink asked.
Holly shrugged but said nothing, not knowing what to say, and continued sipping her drink.
“I wronged you… why should you care about what happens to me? I don’t get it.” Fink shook his head. “What are you getting out of it?” The colt waved one hoof and blinked a few times, trying to hold back tears. “You have nothing to gain but you coulda got in big trouble for threatening Warden Grimes.”
“Oh, we don’t punish good ponies,” Grimes began to chuckle, “whatever she could dish out, I’m sure I could take a few slaps to the muzzle.”
“Oh yeah?” Fink turned his head to look at Grimes. “Just wait until she picks up a dumpster and smacks you.”
Holly giggled. “Oh come on, a mare can’t pick up a dumpster—”
“Miss Heartwood, you are a good pony. Lies are unbefitting of you,” Grimes said in a flat monotone as he stared at Holly. He was no longer chuckling. “Holly Heartwood, professional roller derby star who skated under the pseudonym of ‘Holly Homewrecker.’ Known mile a minute skater. Considered by most to be in peak physical condition, the upper echelon of earth pony physicality. Actual physical upper limits, unknown. Magically assisted strength, for certain. Known for leaping out of skyscraper windows. Committed the following crimes; shoplifting a candy bar as a filly, jaywalking, public profanity, and tearing the tags off of a mattress.”
“How did you know about that?” Holly asked, her eyes widening. The mention of the mattress tag blew her mind. It did say not to remove the tag under the penalty of law.
“The same way that we know that you are a good pony and that we know that Fink is a bad pony,” Grimes replied. “We can overlook your few faults because you do more good than bad. For Fink, his cup of badness overfloweth.”
In her seat, Holly squirmed.
“Anyhow, I do believe that Fink here has learned an important lesson. We should be going. There are other lessons to teach. I would like to thank you, on behalf of Princess Luna, for your part in helping poor Fink here get straightened out. I do believe that smacking him with a dumpster knocked some good sense into him.” Grimes bowed his head.
“I’m sorry for smacking you with a dumpster,” Holly paused and took a deep breath, “twice. But to be fair, you suckerpunched me.”
“Oh, I had it coming, Miss,” Fink said in a defeated voice. “I was wrong for what I did and I’m real sorry. When I reach the community service stage of my rehabilitation, if there is anything I can do for you, I will.”
“Ah, that’s what I like to hear!” Grimes grinned, revealing far too many pointed teeth. “Sincere and meaningful apologies. An honest change of heart that isn’t lip service.”
“Wait, before you go,” Holly said, still holding her gin and tonic in her fetlock. “I want to know… are you going to help Fink get better?”
“I am Fink’s guardian pegasus. Princess Luna loves him and wants him to get better. With my help, Fink is going to get better. We will find a way to repurpose his talent. We will correct his thinking. And I will remain at his side until such a time that Princess Luna deems that he is better and can be trusted to do the right thing on his own.”
Holly took a sip of her drink, swished it around her smoke flavoured mouth, and then swallowed. “Well then, good luck, Fink. Don’t mess up, okay? And if you need any help, or you just want somepony to talk to that isn’t all creepy like Warden Grimes here, you come and pay me a visit.”
“Thank you,” Fink said in a small voice, looking very uncomfortable.
After a hot bath, Holly felt much better. Still damp, she trotted down the stairs to the second floor and saw that Alfredo was laying out food on the table. As far as housemates and stallions went, Alfredo was just about perfect.
“Madam… twice?” Alfredo raised his eyebrow.
“Huh?” Holly, confused, look up at the taller stallion. No denying it, he was handsome. Yup. Real handsome. Holly felt an itch that needed scratching.
“Madam, you hit that poor colt with a dumpster. Twice.” Alfredo clucked his tongue.
“Just little taps, I promise. I wanted to leave a lasting impression. He left a head shaped dent in the dumpster.” Holly sat down at the table, rested her forelegs on the edge, and then smiled. “What’s for dinner?”
“Corn and potato chowder, with cornbread,” Alfredo replied.
“Oh, that sounds fantastic.” Holly felt her mouth watering. She looked around, her eyes lingering on the window, and noticed a few new houseplants. Alfredo had been decorating. The houseplants were a nice touch.
Everything was clean, tidy, well polished, everything looked wonderful. It was nice coming home after a long day at work. There was something rewarding about it; and for whatever reason, knowing that she was coming home to Alfredo made it even better.
She watched as he went over to the dumbwaiter, her eyes lingering on his legs and his tail. She thought about all of her casual flings. Having one of those with Alfredo would make things weird. Complicated. A casual fling meant that you met, you hooked up, you scratched the itch, and then you went about your separate ways. As tempting as it was, as nice as it might be, Alfredo had to be off limits. She thought about him against her back and wondered if he was a nibbler, and if he was, ear, neck, or both?
Blinking, Holly snapped out of it. Alfredo was a friend, not a fling. It had been too long since she had last been laid, and she suspected it was doing something horrible to her judgment.
As Holly pushed the thoughts from her mind, a little voice asked, What if it wasn’t a fling?
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Heheheheh, twice.
stairs
do to
6550966
No, but a few AMC Pacers might catch on fire randomly. It's been known to happen.
... Yeah, implying that Luna constantly monitors everyone to see if they're morally correct isn't creepy at all.
No wait it is. And frightening. Good thing Luna is a perfect judge of character and not biased at all. Elsewise it might be really bad!
Green God in the lookout damnit!!! Now I have to wait another week for this again!
And is there any way we can just say fuck it and make this mature Kudz for the sole reason that I personally think reading any type of sex between Holly and Alfredo would be fucking hilarious?
6566261
Hehehehehe I think I like this even better than the Myrmidons honestly. Creepy good.
"going get to" --> "going to get"
It's too bad Holly didn't give Fink a hug; that would've really confused him!
Also, I'm sure Alfredo could help Holly find a safe person to have a fling with!
Equestrian tags must say something different from our good American tags. "Under penalty of law this tag not to be removed except by the consumer". It's illegal to remove the tag before they mattress is sold, but after that it's fair game.
I mean, we all know it's a joke, but still. Serious pony says it far too seriously for me to ignore the opportunity to joke about it in the comments section.
6566386
If you want to be all conspiratorial, you could say that Princess Luna had the law changed, and then enchanted all of the mattress tags so that she'd know when someone removed one.
6566307
"Harder?"
"Very well, Madam!"
6566639
All of my yes.
6566639
6566747
"Would you like a cream pie or something glazed for dessert Madam?"
I wonder where the last name came from.... -hears zombie moans-
Its interesting to see how they did Fink, but I suppose that After being hit with a dumpster, twice, would make anyone open to anything to be a good pony so they wont be hit by said dumpster.. again. As for Alfredo and holly hooking up, Id have to say I do support it.
Creepy how Grimes knew everything like that about holly
its the matress tags that get people every time.
I SHIP IT SO HARD! //sobs// HAHA!
Nice job Kudzu, nice job! Loving this so far. Finky boy ain't so bad after all...
hehe.
6567399 I wonder if he has a son named Coral?
When I read this, a line from Going Postal popped up in my head, regarding angels. Since I can't seem to find either my copy of the book or the appropriate quote, I guess I'll have to wing it.
Am I the only one who does not want Alfredo and Holly to hook up? Don't get me wrong, it could be a pretty hilarious relationship, but it's too predictable. Ship Holly and Warden for example. That would be unexpected. And amusing.
6572884
Warden isn't a name, it is a title.
And um, he's gonna be busy. And not in Manehatten. He's going off someplace so Fink can reconnect with his Apple roots and try farming.
So.
Subtle....NOT
SHIP
SHIP
SHIP
This is getting weird...
Still doing great!
Technically, mattress tags say, "do not remove under penalty of law, except for owner." If it's YOUR mattress you can do whatever you want to it. It's mattresses that haven't been SOLD yet that you can't tear the tags off of.
derpicdn.net/img/view/2014/1/29/537511__safe_image+macro_princess+cadance_reaction+image_truck_fedex.jpg
7767253 Just a minute I'm a little tied up here. I dunno where it went wrong?
img01.deviantart.net/88ae/i/2016/097/8/6/derpy_box_by_wingedwolf94-d9y4qxr.png