An Equestrian Patriotic Hymn Book

by PensacolaRanger

Chapter 6 - What is Equestria to Me?

Standing by the unconscious Alicorn princess, working his little paper fan like crazy to give her enough air to revive, Spike told the emcee pony: “Sorry, Mister Fancy Pants…poor Twilight couldn’t take any more bad revues, so she fainted. I didn’t know what else to do!”

“(*Gasp!*) Oh, la-la…” said Fleur as she trotted up to gauge the situation, then lean her head on Fancy Pants’ shoulder.

“There, there, my dear…” said Fancy. As he led Fleur to a corner away from the dreadful scene, Applejack & Rarity rushed over.

“(GASP!) Oh, no, Twilight! Spike, darling, what’s happened to her?” asked Rarity in shock.

“She’s fainted, is what!” said Applejack, before Spike could explain. “Quick, water!" AJ ordered.

Spike & AJ ran over to a backstage sink to refill the small Alpha Seltzer bucket with fresh water.

Carrying the bucket by the handle in her teeth, AJ hastened back over to Rarity.

"Chill it!" she tried to order, but the handle made her slur the words through her teeth.

“Huh, what?” asked Rarity, not sure she heard right.

AJ rolled her green eyes in frustration. "Make it COLD!" she muffed, darting her eyes down at the bucket.

“OH, right!” said Rarity, lowering her horn to the water. One magic glow, and it became ice water.

“Thanks… now get back!"AJ ordered. Rarity trotted back, as AJ approached their unconscious friend.

AJ positioned the bucket over Twilight’s resting head, and Spike prepared to tilt it.

“Time to take the ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE!" he said!

**SPLOOSH!!**

"AI-EEEEEE-YAAAHAAAHAAAHAAA!!!"

One tilt was all it took. An ICEWATER-SHOCKED TWILIGHT SPARKLE sprang up off the floor, beat her wings like mad, flew corkscrews in the air around the backstage area---then darted out from the wings----right to the very center of the big stage, for ALL TO SEE!

***

The crowd hushed with an enormous “HO…” and just stared. Cheerilee, Big Mac and the Crusaders all froze in their row.
Even Celestia up in the Royal Box, froze in her seat, thankful Luna wasn’t back yet to see this.

There on stage stood Twilight, sopping wet from mane to tail. Her hair hung down in straight bangs (straighter than usual,) and she stood in a big wet puddle, dripping water and small chunks of ice, all over her spot on the stage where she’d landed.

For a while, Twilight just stood stock-still---her muzzle & cheeks three different shades of red---and stared with her HUGE amethyst eyes, their pupils shrunk to the size of ten-bits, as her barrel chest heaved with heavy breaths of air. For that same while, that was all the sound to be heard from the stage: her heavy snorts of that same air, as she tried to hold herself in place and force herself to calm down, instead of freaking out and galloping off in sheer panic.

At last, certain she was calm enough to speak, she took one very deep breath (almost puffing up like a bullfrog) blew it out slowly through her puckered lips (almost in a descending whistle sound,) and took a few clopping steps forward, nearing the edge of the stage. She gazed down, and saw the orchestra musicians all staring up at her in anticipation----as if not sure to strike up some music or not.

Twilight re-directed her gaze to the audience, gulped, cleared her throat, then spoke…

“Umm…I, uh… I passed out back stage. They woke me up with a bucket of…ice water."

The audience BURST INTO GUFFAWS OF RAUCOUS LAUGHTER, as poor Twilight Sparkle shivered, then shook her hooves one by one to try and flick off the ice water, with no success. She then crouched and shook like a dog to dry herself, but the laughter GREW. She tried to take a step, but slipped on a stray spent tomato and toppled backward---landing unceremoniously on her tail!
The squashed tomato had sailed up, arced over, and now landed on Twilight’s face with a BIG WET SPLAT!

HOWLS & NEIGHS OF LAUGHTER rose from the audience, as poor Twilight sat on her haunches, twitching in pain, as the spent tomato slid off her nose and plopped back to the stage floor. She hung her head in shame, tears welling up in her eyes, as she waited for the laughter to subside. Her friends and Fancy Pants looked on from the wings, mortified at what was happening to her.

Panting even harder now to keep her tears in check, as the laughter finally did subside, Twilight steeled herself, and ignoring her pain, got up and faced the crowd. Bravely. Humbly. Wearily.

Again, the crowd hushed, as Twilight prepared a second time to speak.

“I…I deserved that. I should never have tampered with the most hallowed of all our music...the sacred patriotic anthems of our homeland. I... I thought I could improve upon them, by... by making them more American than Equestrian… but… I see now, that… that was wrong of me… You all understand, respect and cherish all things Equestrian; not American… That’s too new of a New World, for this land… I really should have thought things through, before attempting something like this. I… I’m sorry. So…so very sorry… I’ve ruined this year’s Summer Sun Celebration for all of you… Please forgive me…”

***

“Hoo-boy, what’d I tell ‘ya? Here it comes…” Babs Seed whispered gloomily to the other Crusaders.

***

“F-Fillies and Gentlecolts…” Twilight continued, shakily, “…the remainder of tonight’s program…is hereby canceled."

At this, the crowd erupted into one big, shocked **GAAASP!!**

***

Backstage, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy were watching, in toga costumes, when they heard the announcement.

“Oh, my… Does this mean we don’t get to do our Cloudsdale Anthem?” asked Fluttershy.

“Hay-men to that!" said Rainbow Dash, “I never liked it that much anyway!"

“Aww…but we worked so hard on it…” Fluttershy whined.

“Face it, Shy…it sucked!" said Dash, and blew a raspberry with her tongue!

***

Now an awkward unrest rose in the crowd. Some CHEERED and tried to applaud, but were quickly SQUELCHED by other patrons! Some tried to walk out in disgust, but were quickly held back by other ponies grabbing their coattails or dresses with their teeth, forcing them to stay. Some fights started breaking out, but Celestia’s Royal Guards quickly fanned out to contain whatever riots were being incited. A lot of arguments began, some between guards and patrons, some between Canterlot citizens and ones from out of town.

What was gradually becoming clear was this: however good or bad the show was going, no one felt they deserved to settle for
only a half-finished show! Some wanted their bits refunded; some threatened to sue if they weren’t refunded; others wanted compensation for their holiday evening plans being ruined; others argued in favor of Twilight, claiming they weren’t giving the show a chance, and so forth and so on…

As the new unrest grew, Princess Celestia abandoned the Royal Box and flew down to the stage, landing by Twilight.

"STOP!" she ordered! “EVERYPONY, PLEASE, STAY WHERE YOU ARE, AND KEEP CALM!"

“Twilight Sparkle, aren’t you being a little premature about all this?” Celestia scolded slightly.

“Wait-what? But you saw, your Highness; it’s a DISASTER! They hated---” Twilight started, but Celestia cut her off:

“Canterlotians hate a lot of things at first, but they soon like them later! New ideas are always a hard-sell in Canterlot!
And as you can see, not everypony wants the show to stop right this instant! So Twilight, please, reconsider!!"

Twilight was going to say that no, her mind was made up----when suddenly, a voice in the ancient royal Canterlot We
called out from the sky:

"WAIT!! CITIZENS OF CANTERLOT!! BE NOT TOO HASTY!! LISTEN TO WHAT THIS ONE HAS TO SAY!!"

It was Princess Luna, her wings spread across the face of the Moon (like a bat) to get the crowd’s attention.

She got it, all right. Cries of “Oooh!” and “Ahhh” and murmurs of amazement rose from the puzzled crowd.

The Night Princess then dropped from the Moon’s face, and dove for the stage, swooped, and landed. And…she was carrying saddlebags, and a passenger: a tuxedo-clad stallion with a microphone cutie-mark, that looked strangely familiar to Twilight and Spike…

“Ken?? (*GASP!*) KEN LAWRENCE!! Ohmygoshomygoshomygosh—how did YOU get here? And as a pony, too?”

“I summoned him through the mirror portal at Friendship Castle…” Luna explained, “…and he has a surprise for you.”

“For me?" asked Twilight, puzzled.

“For all of you!" said Ken.

As Luna folded her wings, Ken dismounted, opened the saddlebags, and passed several pages of papers down to the orchestra pit. Spike and Fancy Pants came running out to help.

“Here…new song! Just play the intro and chords, and follow my lead!” Ken called out.

Ken & Luna looked to Celestia for approval, as did the entire orchestra. “Yes! Do as he says!” she commanded.

***

“Hey…who’s the new stud? He’s kind’a cute…” said Babs. The other Crusaders just shrugged from their row.

***

As the Princesses returned to the Royal Box and the orchestra studied the new music and readied their instruments,
Twilight trotted up to Ken.

“I don’t understand; none of our songs are working tonight; how is this one supposed to make everything all better?”

“Just smile, Twilight; I’m taking a chance, too…” said Ken, feigning confidence. “I sing the American version of this tune every summer at the local nursing homes back home. Hasn’t failed yet to stir a patriotic soul. Trust me, it’ll work…”

“It better…” said Twilight, gritting her teeth. And with that, Twilight walked to center stage.

“Fillies and Gentlecolts, for his first-ever performance tonight in Canterlot, please welcome: all the way from Las Pegasus,
the traveling show-pony, KEN LAWRENCE!!”

A puzzled, but accommodating crowd, managed a polite applause as they returned to their seats.

“Las Pegasus?" Ken asked Twilight, quizzically.

“Trust me; it’ll work…” said Twilight, winking.

The orchestra struck up, playing warm strings, as Ken took center stage to sing:

WHAT IS EQUESTRIA TO ME?*

What is Equestria to me?

A name? A Cutie-Map? A Sister’s Flag I see?

A monarchy with democracies?

What is Equestria, to me…

The house I dwell in, a patch of land, its street…

The grocer and the farmer, and the ponies that I meet…

The fillies in the playground, the faces I can see…

All races, creeds, and species…that’s Equestria to me…

The place I work in, the workhorse by my side…

The hamlets or the cities, where my ponies lived and died…

The howdy and the hoof-shake, the air I breathe so free…

And the right to whinny my mind out…

That’s Equestria to me...

The foals I see around me…the large ones, or the small…

The tiny corner newsstand…or the castle, five-miles tall…

The wedding and the barnyard, the giggles and the tears…

And the dream that has been growin’…

For over two-thousand years…

The town I dwell in…the sun, the stars, the moon…

The apple trees, the oat fields, or a garden fresh in bloom…

The Cutie-Mark Crusaders Clubhouse, the countless lights I see…

But especially: THE PONIES…

That’s… Equestria… To… Me…

[End song]

It seemed to do the trick. A ROUSING APPLAUSE with cheers, whinnies and whistles, rose from the crowd. Some were dabbing tears from their eyes with hoof-kerchiefs, while others puffed out their chests with heads held high.

***

“He mentioned our clubhouse! He mentioned OUR clubhouse!!" the Cutie Mark Crusaders cheered!

“Yeah…he ain’t too bad!” Babs agreed, her forehooves folded proudly.

And up in the Royal Box, Luna beamed a grateful smile. “Finally…a tune mentioning my moon and stars!”

Celestia leaned over to Luna. “You do realize the Canterlot Weather Hymn mentioned you, too, right?”

Luna stopped, and blushed. “Oh! (heh) right…”

***

“Jolly good show, my good pony! Couldn’t have done it better myself!" said Fancy Pants, congratulating Ken and shaking him by the hoof. Ken gave a curt nod in gratitude.

“So…” Ken said, now turning to Twilight, “…what happens now?"

Twilight bowed her head in thought for moment… then straightened up, eyes WIDE! “ I know!” she exclaimed!

She teleported stage left, and called into the wing:

“CUT TO THE FINALE’! EVERYPONY ON STAGE FOR THE GRAND FINALE'!!"

CONCLUDES NEXT CHAPTER…

Author's Note:

Derived from: "America to Me (The House I Live In)"

Don't worry; it'll all be over soon...