• Member Since 1st Jul, 2015
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

TheSpookuius


Took some L's but turned my losses into learning. In the end I'm earning, followers be turnin'. Now an animation YouTuber. Fell to the bottom, and climbed my way back to the top.


T

Its been one year since the attack. I remember it like I remember winning the Pokemon league. I've had this pain for too long. All I have is the Pikachu that I caught, only for the sake of completing the Pokedex. This pain that I had, drove me up this mountain. I've been on this ice cold mountain for 4 months, and this story is how I ended up here, and how I lost the true magic of friendship...

Takes place inbetween Equestria girls and Rainbow rocks; even though it says mane six, there is no twilight sparkle

Chapters (8)
Comments ( 35 )
Comment posted by TheSpookuius deleted Jul 5th, 2015

Hey, my friend! As you've asked, I came here to read and review your story. So far, you're doing a good job at getting this fic started. Here's some pointers that will prove to be helpful in the near future:

So, I've noticed that sometimes you forget to use commas, apostrophes, and capitalized letters for people's names. Make sure that when you're writing your story you read over it to check for any mistakes. It's preferable that you get an editor to help you with this sort of thing. An editor is like your right hand man; they help with grammar, paragraph structure, and spelling. They also help you by giving you advice on your story to help you improve, like what I'm doing now. There are some groups on this sight that specifically advertise such persons to be of assistance to you when writing up chapters.

About spacing between scenes in your fic. I see that to separate different scenes, you hold the underscore key to make a line so the readers can tell the difference between them. There's a simpler way to do that. On your 'Tool bar', the grey strip that says Edit, Publish, and other options such as uploading pictures, there will be a dash icon there. That 'dash' is a horizontal line that'll help you separate scenes.

To me, I think your story needs more detalis. You need to add more descriptive words to make your chapters seem wholesome. For instance, when Professor Oak is dying and speaking to Red, be more detailed here, like this:

The professor coughed and winced at the sharp pain. His shirt was soaked in blood; the sticky maroon substance seeping out from a deep cut in his chest made by a knife. His eyes looked up at Red, fear and sadness evident in the glassy orbs. He looked so weak...So pale...Red's eyes widened in horror and disbelief. There was already a lot of blood on the floor from the professor's wound. There may not be a chance of him surviving such a deadly blow to the chest.

One last thing, buddy! Make the character's speech patterns and behavior as natural and true to their personality as possible. To me, Celestia is slightly Out Of Character(OOC) and things like this make some readers displeased with your story. Make sure that you have definite characteristics that make each of the characters different. Your OCs Red and Blue need to be described so people can visualize them and need their own personalities.

I enjoyed this chapter, my friend! A review of the next will come shortly!

Ō_Ō red and blue are oc's? Oh sorry about not being as descriptive! Can I add that one part that you typed?:pinkiecrazy:

6167226 Shouldn't you add the "Other" tag seeing as how Red and Blue aren't ponies and they aren't OCs'


6168247 good point you got there.... I will do it immediately

6168260 Also I've noticed that in your comments that you text only with lowercase letters and in Author Notes you use capitalized text. No real complaint there I just noticed it.

please try to make use more words, this is to short.

Red was in the airport, getting ready to go to Canterlot City to go with Oaks old acquaintance, her name being Celestia. She showed up for the funeral, and offered to take Red and Blue to the real world without pokemon.

so not even a bird Pokemon, or th water type managed to go outside of his own little place in the world?
It reminds me of Jurassic park.

The only problem i have with this story till now is, that they really managed to have only a little place full of pokemon, and every place of the world seems to be normal.

While the movies are nice, maybe you can think of something that is a bit different, or after that another sequel with something completely new, it doesn´t have to be the same, but....i guess this is already different.



Nice story idea, only a bit short, and Celestia has to be older than usual, if she managed to be a professor, and after that the principal.

Not sure why i don´t like it, but maybe you can change the reason a bit, how he was able to get there, but.....awww just make the chapters longer, and i see if it still bothers me later.

6170572
I actually do have plans for a sequel containing Gold, Silver, and Blue. Red as the main antagonist. Oops, I forgot to put spoiler thing. Oh well!

"Yeah Red?" Red grinned.

"After school, do you want to have a Pokemon battle?" Blue turned back and smiled.

"You bet I do. Meet me behind the school later." And with that, he walked off.

I would have liked a little talk between Sunset and Red, he could comfort her, and this would make the chapter longer.

"You know, there was only one huge jerk in my school, and his name was purple. Blue and I became the best of friends when we stood up to him together. We both got black eyes that day, but we both knew that it was worth it. That's when I met his grandfather, Professor Oak. I will always remember what he told us that day."

for one second i really thought you meant black the person, and not back eye.
Was it the Pokemon Land, or the Colour land?
This actually isn´t meant bad, but i think even n the comics they mixes real names with colours.

"I have a battle to go to now! Sorry, gotta run!" Sunset sorta liked this guy.

I start to like that pairing, even if i have no reason till now, and well i actually would like to see him in the sequel.
That you seems to have already planned the sequel, makes me think, that this story is probably a short one, and every chapter is not really long either.

6170572
The pokemon only reside on the pokemon islands, like Hawaii. They are each different regions too, so... Yeah....

"Eevee, use swift while you're still in the air!" And with a whip of the tail, stars came flying towards Pikachu.

not sure if i would say it like this, you should probably just describe that Eevee was still in the air, not that Blue mentioned it.
Nothing wrong with that, or not much, it just seems to be something i would not say.

They could have at least tell Luna, that Celestia knows where they come from, and that it is a normal thing for them, after that Luna could still say that it isn´t allowed in this land, and well....after that they couls still do some other things with their pokemon.

.....I think you could describe more, and fill the chapters a bit more, i guess that it is that short, and that we don´t see him thinking or stuff like that, makes the story a bit weird. I like it, but it feels like it could be even better.

What if I told you.... Luna is Celestia's adopted sister:pinkiecrazy:

At least in this story. Buuuut... They wiped Luna's memory so that she wouldn't know anything about pokemon.

While i think one of them could still have said something earlier, but nice to see that Celestia explained her battle to Luna.


6170607 that´s okay, but there are some pokemon types, where i ask myself, how they managed to keep them seperate from the rest of the world, however i think this is mean to ask, since this would be maybe difficult to find a reason for it.


6170601 Since this probably isn´t about Pokemon anymore, i mean that they going to catch more, i am not sure if the other guys are needed, but i let you suprise us.

"Do you want to got to dinner tomorrow!" Fluttershy just asked in front of all of her friends. They thought she wouldn't be able to do it.

I see, so she actually talked about him with her friends, and they said she should do it.


Right now i can´t see Sunses Shimmer together with Blue, because it looked like he would already hate her, so it should not be to easy for them to get together, and while i can´t help pretty much, maybe you should get a proofreader, somehow i think your missing some things.

I am not saying you should do it like that, but in other storys i would have seen how Fluttershy had talked with her friends a bit i guess, about Red i mean, and......well i somehow miss to read his own thoughts. If i saw correctly, there are no real parts, where he is thinking about his situation, or much about the killer.

Sorry if i should sound mean, it is rare if i have to say something like that, i mean that it actually looks like i could help a bit.
I am no expert, and just talk about stuff which i think is good in other fanfictions, and try to give you the right idea.

Maybe you can ask for a proofreader, and an editor while your story is still short, and then you could rewrite the first parts, not much changes, just make them a bit bigger. I noticed that you are new to writing that stuff, so i try to give you the tips that i already saw on this site, and tell you about Stuff that i think made a story more interessting.

There is still something that i probably didn´t understood the right way, at the start of the story, was Red angry at Blue?, at first i thought something happened, that made Red to hate Blue.

Fuuuutuuuure! Fuuuutuuuure!

No. This is the story of how Red came to hate Blue.
6170747

6170777 well okay then i understand how the prologue was meant, and if i miss something, it usually is because i am not that concentrated at this time of the day.

"It's Giovanni! Your old buddy! Remember?"

Johnny Test: Whoa. Didn't see that coming.

"Ow!" Giovanni looked down to se a Pikachu biting his leg.

"Get off of me!" He shook Pikachu off and kicked it into a tree. Pikachu was unconcious.

It is funny, because the Pokemon of a champion should probably be able to wisthand something like that, i mean they should be a bit tougher, then again i suppose if he hit the right spot with that tree, then it could work.

"I have to get you prepared for that date with Fluttershy."

I suddenly started thinking about every way, in which this could lead to a funny event, maybe Celestia is overdoing it, or Flutteshy get scared as the moment comes.

I am not one that prefers that type of main Char the most, but i would actually like it, if he would continue to think that this would be either a harmless dinner, till Fluttershy makes it to obviously, or someone else point it out for him, and that he keeps a cool head.
I just don´t see Red as the guy that would be that nervous right at the start, maybe if he notice it is something serious.

Giovanni.....well i guess if he got really frustrated later in his life, then he could change his mind, and really focuse on hating Red. I mean this is an alternate universe, even if i think that he agreed to it, after the player beat him , or was it in the comic different?

I like everything that is a little bit different, but i woud actually prefer the cute, and maybe actually shy Fluttershy here, i hope what we saw till now, doesn´t means that she is that much different from her usual self, i guess the Human one could be a bit different, but i hope she is still a bit like we know her.

6177610
This actually takes place years after red became champion. Also, the Pikachu is only at like, lvl 10

6178612 thanks, i just got a bit curious there.

Also, don't worry. Fluttershy might freak out during the 'date'.

On your way out of this chapter, please do leave a like and comment, as I am available to ideas. This story isn't completely developed so I am going to need some help. Thank you guys for all of the support and pointers that you have left in the comments. I am so grateful for all of the help I am receiving.

The chapters are to short, at least for what i am used to, and i honestly think 2000 words make it look better.

After i had read it, it really looks like it would miss something, there isn´t much in the chapter itself, at least not much happened, that is the only thing that disturbs me a bit.

I don´t mind two other fanfictions, but you should probably make them longer, and another hint would be, don´t start to many, i think those three should be enough.
I mean most of the people who write more than that at once, somehow doesn´t manage to write for every story as much as they want, and then some of the storys don´t get an update.

I am not sure i understood why Bue was shocked, at least not the second time.

You probably should add more conversation in situations like those, in which Luna wanted to apologize, or should describe a little bit more, thoughts, or the surrounding i guess.

Like befor i like to read it, but i just think it could be better.

6185813
Not my best work. I sorta ran out of ideas so i put 2 and 2 together and BAM. Sorry that it didn't satisfy you, but I will try to make it better. Do you have any recommendations? Please PM me if you do, so yeah. That's pretty much all I need to say.

Comment posted by TheSpookuius deleted Aug 10th, 2015

What was this that she felt? Would she finally...... gain an actual friend?

i am glad you haven´t written that she loves him because of a small gesture, at least Sunset seems a bit more mature, or serious then the others for me, i mean in general.

"That's why you need to get a job, stud! I work at Sugarcube Corner, which happens to be WHERE you're going tonight! I'm gonna be watching you the WHOLE TIME!!!" Red smiled.

sometimes it is confusing if you have one person that talkes, and after that comes a reaction where the other one is mentioned, but sometimes i am not sure if it was Red, or if Blue said it.

Not sure if we already got the moment where Red finally realize that he actually had a date, that could mean something, i think it looked like he probably thought it could have been a friendly dinner a few chapters befor.
Now he seems to take it seriously, but not sure if we got the moment he really thought about it.

"Thank Arceus....." She smiled to Red in a kind way.

:pinkiehappy::pinkiecrazy::twilightsmile::yay::raritystarry: 50/50 that he wuld have prayed to Faust as well, so i am happy that she isn´t named as a god at least not as the only one.

"Discord, I already told you to leave me alone. I don't like you anymore!"

now it makes sense that she didn´t acted to shy around him, since she probably already had a few dates.

Not sure, but i get the feelng he was to fast at his car with another person that didn´t want to go with him, or did she just waked with him?

Not bad, i am mostly unsure about the last part.

I would like to have a new chapter please.

7654949
Well, I am working on the next chapter, rest assured. It'll take awhile, so just be patient.

7662044 alright, it is enough for me to know that something is going to happen in that direction.

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