I Deal With A Clown
I sighed and crossed my pony-arms as I planted my plot firmly on the ground, forced to watch the spectacle going on in front of me. Well, willingly forced. Luna couldn’t really make me do anything, but as the sun had set, she got to call all the shots thanks to our unspoken arrangement.
As for what I was watching…well, perhaps a bit of back-story is in order first.
Hours ago, Tia had been declared by Rarity to have the roundest rump in all of Equestria by several inches in a little contest Celestia and Luna had concocted weeks ago while staying the night at Twilight’s house. That contest being: who had the biggest butt. Unfortunately, I can’t blame alcohol as the cause since the library was drier than the Sahara.
Celestia’s victory was pretty much a given. I mean, she had been on a ninety-percent sweet diet for a millennium. Not to mention all the damn cooking contests she somehow ended up the judge of. All those cakes, cookies, candies and ice cream cones had turned her ass into a swollen mass of jello that jiggled with every step she took.
In contrast, Nightmare Moon’s thousand-year diet of hatred and terror had made Luna a lean, mean, fighting machine. Yes, we were equal in height, but the white alicorn had more girth to her than a creature that sustained itself via magic fed by the fear of little sleeping ponies. Although, admittedly…I think we had put on a few pounds since coming to Equestria. The cake was pretty damn good.
And had it ended there, or maybe if I had commented on how a sleek and fit mare such as ourselves were rather than the display given by the princess of pudge, things wouldn’t have turned out the way they did. But the white alicorn wasn’t exactly clean of blame either. She was the pony who turned to face her ass towards Luna and me, and said, “Well, it’s nice to see you’re still the little sister in some ways Lulu,” before she shook her fat fanny in our faces.
Now, being a non-Equestrian, I didn’t really get why it was such a big deal to Luna at first. I mean, so Celestia’s got a huge ass? So what? It’s why all the doors in the palace came in pairs.
But then, Luna explained a little something to me…
“Not having a body yourself, I understand thy confusion Nighty,” she told me. “So I will explain. The rear end of a mare is considered to be the most comely part of a female pony. Tis this area where all eyes fall upon first meeting when one is…checking out the ladies. For not only is the stallion’s final courting destination situated there, but it contains all the tells in whether the mare shall be a proper mate in terms of foal birthing, and ability to carry ample milk for her young.”
In short, pony butts were like human boobs. The bigger the better.
So, as Celestia had just bragged about her size and shook her tits in front of her smaller sister, I was more than willing to assist Luna in her plans for revenge as we flew back to Canterlot in the bat-cart.
Which brings me back to the spectacle that sat before me. Celestia lay prone upon the ground, her wings and horn had been removed by the power of my magic, rendering her completely powerless. As for Luna, she was pinning other pony in the middle of the Canterlot throne room, where dozens of thankful petitioners had been moments before. That is until we wiped them from existence.
Oh, and it’s probably worth mentioning that Luna a good fifteen feet tall as she literally sat on Celestia, nearly crushing the white alicorn into the floor with her enlarged booty.
“Mmmmm…so Sister. Nighty and I were having a conversation on our way back to the Castle,” Luna said in her normal voice, that still boomed thanks to her size. “And we have come to a conclusion.”
From her place under her sister’s ass, Celestia held a bored expression while Luna readjusted herself on her cushy seat. “Which is?”
“Thou need to go on a diet,” Luna explained. “Specifically, cut down on the cakes.”
Celestia’s reaction was instant. Instead of the passive resistance she had been undergoing up until then, the sort-of-former-alicorn with the aurora for a mane raised her head up and looked back up at her sister the best she could. “Okay, I get invading my sleep for a little payback for me having a bit of fun when Rarity was taking our measurements, and you’re probably a bit sore over that, but how in the hay does that mean I CAN’T HAVE DESSERT?”
Luna scoffed. “Revenge? I am not such a petty mare that I would do such a thing for such a reason!” Off to the side, I rolled my eyes as I watched Luna adjust herself to put more weight on Tia and force the other mare back down to the ground. “Besides, having such a contest now is hardly fair. We have been on the desolate moon for centuries, while you have had dozens of servants to bring you all manner of convections.”
The completely reasonable argument that we had worked out during the flight back as to why Luna didn’t really lose to Celestia thanks to the difference in millennium-old diets got a wide-eyed look from Celestia before she managed to roll around halfway despite her sister’s weight. “Luna, if this about your imprisonment on the moon-”
“WHAT?” the oversized mare cried out loud enough to shake the halls before she stood up and looked down at the comparatively tiny Tia. “No! This isn’t about-I already assured you Celestia, I don’t blame you for doing what was needed!” Then she backed up a step, and sat down hard enough to leave cracks in the stone before turning her nose up into the air. “Nightmare and I simply believe that not having anything to eat for a millennium put you at an unfair advantage. And your flanks are too fat.”
Celestia took a moment to look back at me with a glare.
I give nervously innocent grin and raised a hoof to wave at her. It did nothing to stop her measuring glare. “Oh, and having your body remade by a possessing spirit falls within the rules?”
Luna crossed her forelegs and sniffed. “Well if you're going to make that argument, then, we would need to abandon our heavenly mantles before proper contest can be given.”
Knocking aside my common-sense for the moment, I spoke up. “Well, there is another reason we think you could stand to lose some weight,” I said before Celestia look back at me with cold eyes that promised unending pain to those who would dare try to take her cake. “Your Majesty.”
The goddess rolled her eyes. “Nighty, you don’t need to call me that,” she said before turning to face me all the way. “And just what is this reason?”
Before I could speak, Luna leaned down so her mouth was even with Tia’s ears. “You mean besides the fact you had to clench in order to enter Rarity’s shop without harming the door’s frame?”
Celestia groaned.
I had to force myself not to laugh. It was a lot easier than it was in the real world.
Then I got onto the reason as to why Tia needed to lose a few pounds. The one that she would probably buy anyway. “Look, back in the day when Luna was around and the two of you actually had to deal with problems, she says you were much more fit mare.”
“You have let yourself go Sister,” Luna added.
As Celestia visibly restrained herself from back talking Luna, I went on. “Here’s the thing: you’re the example, the pony all the others look up to and try to emulate. And they just see you sitting around, stuffing your face, completely unconcerned with what it does to your body.” Although I wouldn’t put it past Equestria to have some kind of magical weight-loss cheat. “Plus, well…like Luna said, you’ve let yourself go. I know magic isn’t exactly a major physical activity, but…flying, dodging and bucking are. And you are the first line of defense for Equestria. So shouldn’t you be in top form to defend it?”
Celestia stared at me for a minute, almost as if she could tell my reasons were bullshit that I came up with pretty much on the spot so that Luna could enjoy some long-term revenge for Tia shaking her fat fanny in front of my host’s nose. But after enduring a stare that probably would have had me sweating bullets in the real world, she let out a loud sigh, and lowered her head. “I see your point,” she told me before looking up. “Very well Luna, I will begin a diet and exercise regimen to…get back in shape.”
“Excellent!” the gargantuan alicorn shouted before she snatched up the tinier one in her arms and nuzzled her for a few seconds. “Oh, and we would also like a rematch, after given time to…fill out a bit.”
Tia giggled. “Very well. We’ll have a proper measuring one-thousand years from now,” she said before Luna started to let go. A process Celestia stopped by holding onto her sister’s forelegs. “Wait, you’re not leaving so soon, are you?”
Luna raised an eyebrow. “You want us to stay?”
In response, Celestia let out a depressed sigh, and leaned in close to her sister. “It’s just been such a long time since I’ve seen you like this Luna-well, you know what I mean,” she said after catching herself. “I was hoping we could…enjoy each other’s company a bit more.”
“Well…Nightwing knows how to put the ponies through their paces these days,” she rumbled. “I suppose it would not hurt to take one night to…discuss things. Of course, it won’t just be us. Nighty will also be here.”
Celestia smiled. “As if I would leave her out,” she said before looking around. “Now, can one of you change the scenery to something a bit more relaxing than the throne room? I spend half of my day’s here, I don’t like the idea that it’s the same with my nights.”
A few minutes later, and the three of us were leaning our backs up against the side of a hot spring, with the bottom of the thing having an extra deep groove to accommodate Luna’s dream body as the still-horn-and-wingless Celestia laid on her sister’s chest like a little foal. I just relaxed in the crux of her right wing.
“I must say Nightmare, I much prefer the new dreamscapes you craft to the old ones that you used to assault me with,” Tia told me while her eyes remained closed. It kind of made me wonder if she could actually fall asleep while in a dream.
But my curiosity had a much better target than an inception question like that. “What do you mean? I thought Nightmare Moon, er-I was locked away in the moon.”
Celestia opened her eyes to look at me for a moment. “Hmm, perhaps it is better for us to start thinking of the two of you as different ponies...Nighty,” she said before her expression became sullen. “And as such…I do not believe it prudent to speak of such things.”
My decency and curiosity clashed. Obviously, approaching such a sore subject with Celestia and Luna was going to be opening some very old wounds, but…well…it was pony lore damnit! I wanted to know. I needed to know.
Especially if there was something hidden in it that might come to be useful later on down the line. I so took a deep breath, and tried to sound as seriousness as I could instead of the fangirl squeal that threatened to come out. “No, I…I need to know,” I told them. “I may be a different mare now, but that doesn’t mean I should just forget the past and pretend it never happened.”
Celestia sighed. “Very well, if you insist. While Luna’s body was tethered to the moon, her ability to dream walk was not. An ability Nightmare moon twisted for her dark pleasures.”
“She took joy in tormenting ponies through their dreams, sometimes making ponies too afraid to go to sleep,” Luna added in a soft tone. “And then there were the sleepwalkers. Ponies drawn so deep into sleep she could control their movements much like a marionette. Dark were the deeds she had them commit in her name.”
“I was her favorite target though,” Celestia said. “At least once a week, Nightmare Moon would visit me in my dreams and…torture me. Sometimes it was physical, and anypony who tells you that you cannot feel pain in a dream does not know what she is talking about. But mostly, the suffering she gave me was the kind that would carry on into the day. Nightmare would assault my mind with images of Luna and later…my…other…failures.”
I didn’t need to be a mind-reader to know what Tia was talking about. “You mean like your failed students?” I asked. My conscience promised to bug the crap outta me later, even if it had to be done.
Celestia froze for a second. “No, that…well, Yes…and no. There was one of my former pupils that I…grew very attached to in recent years,” she said before taking a deep breath and sighing. “Her name was Sunset Shimmer. And she was by far…my greatest failure.
“During the first year she was under my tutelage, her parents were lost to her. Because of that, I found myself growing closer to her than any other pony I have ever instructed. At first, I thought such a thing was fate, her presence fit perfectly with my plans for your return. Only…when she started to question my teachings and outright challenge my authority, I was too blind and foolish to do anything about it before drastic measures needed to be taken in order to try and correct her path. Measures which backfired upon me terribly. And now my little sun is gone.”
As Luna drew her oversized wing across Tia in a hug, I gave her a good ten seconds before pressing the question. “How did she die?” That time, I didn’t have to fake an emotion. I was worried that Sunset might have actually died instead of run off to human land.
“Nighty,” Luna growled.
Only to be hushed by Celestia. “No, it’s alright,” she told her big little sister before giving me a little smile. “Sunset disappeared through a magical portal a few years ago. She was headstrong and determined, and refused to heed my warnings about its magic. She wanted to know about its magic, and I…I just told her that it was something she wasn’t ready to hear.”
The goddess sighed and hung her head. “If only I had been up front with her concerning that…bucking mirror…she would never have gone through it,” she mumbled to herself before shaking her head. “Why couldn’t I have just told her what I knew? At least then, she would still be here in Equestria instead of wherever she ended up.”
“Blame not yourself Sister,” Luna told the smaller pony. “Although I know not what transpired between the two of you, I know that every one of your actions was born of love.”
As Celestia seemed to take some comfort in Luna’s words, I sighed. “Wish I could have met her,” I mumbled wistfully before looking back to Tia. “Do you have a picture of her in your room?” The answer to which was no. I had already looked. “Or something of hers, like a journal?”
The seconds that Celestia took to answer took forever to pass. “I stored the paintings that were made of her years ago, I couldn’t bear the heartache they brought. And…I don’t know what happened to the journal we used to communicate with her. In my rush to rid myself of the reminders and try to move on…I lost it.”
The news that Celestia had lost Sunset’s journal, while hard to take, wasn’t all that unexpected. The sunny unicorn had been gone for years, and I couldn’t believe that Tia wouldn’t have tried reaching out to her at least once since then. But if she didn’t know where the damn thing was, it made much more sense.
Unfortunately, that meant the only clue I had to its location was the fact that it turned up in Twilight’s castle when she needed to stock the library. A little convenient, but as I was actually in Equestria, I wasn’t going to just shove the one lead there was on the thing aside as bad writing.
After that, Luna switched the conversation to a happier topic. Then, when the old hags had tired about talking of the good old days, we talked a little about government and the budget, what could be done about the next to useless Equestrian military now that Luna was back, and some other minor things.
Although, I did have something serious and much more pressing than Sunset that I thought needed to be brought up. “Hey Celestia. I know I’m just an advisor and whatnot, but…I’ve been thinking a lot lately about Equestrian security, and there was something I wanted to ask you about.”
With her spirits more or less restored, Celestia looked over to me and smiled. “You don’t need to be so roundabout Nighty, just ask me.”
“Well…remember how I got out of my lunar prison after a thousand years even though the Elements of Harmony put me away?” I began…
The following afternoon when we awoke, after a morning hello from the girls and all that other stuff we did, I walked through the Canterlot garden next to Tia, discussing important matters of state. And by that, I mean actual important shit, not some pretty pony princess thing.
“Look, I’m not saying they actually have to do anything,” I told Celestia. “You can just post a few as lookouts. It’s a big gaping hole in our national security that we’ve got a literal entrance to the underworld that has no guards on its border. Just put a few pegasi out there with orders to come and get us if there’s trouble.”
Celestia sighed. “That’s what Cerberus is for.”
I quickly shot past Celestia’s verbal block with my superior intellect. “To what? Keep ponies out? What about the stuff that might escape? And if something did? How would we even know it? I don’t speak dog? Do you speak dog Tia?”
“Oh, I speak dog.”
I held up a wing to quiet the sound behind me.
After a few seconds, Celestia sighed and rolled her eyes. “Very well Nighty, in order to comfort your fears, I will have a wing of pegasi stationed near Tartarus with orders to observe the entrance and report back to us should anything happen,” she said before we came to our destination.
That destination being a statue of the most fucked up creature of all time. Even seeing him in stone, I could already tell the show really didn’t do Discord justice. Not only was he a hodgepodge of animals rolled into one, the mishmash of animal parts were of the correct size. The bat wing was much too small for his body, while the feathered one seemed oversized. The same was true with his arms, with the lion paw connected to the furry part of his body in an oddest way that probably would have made the limb useless on another creature, while the eagle talon was pitifully short. Although the widest part of him was the serpent tail at the end of him, that was somehow twice as large as the middle part of his body.
“Well, let’s get this over with,” Celestia said as her horn lit up like the sun. Then, she pointed it at the statue. I did the same, letting Luna guide the magic as we cast our spells in preparation for Discord’s release. Seconds later, cracks appeared the stone, and it shattered into a thousand pieces that turned to dust as they were thrown off the creature’s body.
As soon as the freak was freed, the skies overhead darkened and the mismatched monster let out a deep cackle that resonated in my ears. “Free! Free at last!” Discord said as he floated up into the air before looking down on us two alicorns standing before him. “Oh-ho! If you think I was bad before you locked me up, I…um…Luna? Did you put on some height?”
I gave him a deadpanned stare, and kept Luna from yelling at the monster. Things like him got off on pissing people off. “So, I take it by your ‘after one-thousand years of I’m free, it’s time to torment Equestria’ spiel-”
“Pfft! As if I would ever say something so corny,” Discord replied as he crossed his arms.
Celestia sighed and shook her head. “Discord,” she said, drawing the chaos spirit’s attention. “After seeing the former captor of my sister have a change of heart, I am willing to offer you a chance at continued freedom.”
“Oh this should be good,” he mumbled with a roll of his eyes. “Let me guess. You want me to be a good little member of society and follow all your stupid little rules, spreading rainbows and all that nonsense everywhere?”
Before Celestia could give the affirmative, Luna spoke. “That is the general idea, yes.”
“Oh yeah? Well how is it living free if I have to live by rules, huh?” he demanded. “Rules constrict, they restrain, they-”
Luna cut into Discord’s rant before he could get very far with a deadpan tone. “Sister, he is attempting to circumvent the anti-teleportation spells we put in place around him.”
The other goddess sadly shook her head. “I offered you a chance Discord,” she said before looking back to the empty garden behind us. “Girls, take formation please.”
“Girls? Silly Celestia, there’s no one behind-oh meadow muffins,” the draconequus said a second after the invisibility spell vanished to reveal six ponies of every color standing behind us, wearing the Elements of Harmony. “Oh yeah, well I’ll just…oh COME ON!”
I couldn’t help but smirk as Discord’s outstretched hand failed to do anything to the girls, or the jewelry they were wearing as it encountered a dark blue barrier. “Yeah, like we weren’t going to use a ton of magic to protect the girls and the Elements. Enjoy the taste of rainbows!”
“THIS IS SO NOT FAIR!” Discord shouted. A second later, the barrier shattered as the Elements released their magic and struck the mismatched monster, its magic slowly petrifying him from the ground up. “I’LL GET OUT OF THIS ONE DAY, AND WHEN I DO-”
With Discord’s mouth turning to stone, the threat went unfinished.
“We shan’t hold our breath,” Luna said before she had me look over to her sister. Softhearted as ever, Tia actually looked a little sad over the fact we had just KO’d one of the biggest threats to Equestria without a single pony’s life disrupted. Not to mention the plans I suggested while we were all asleep about making a reinforced mystical prison that would keep his stiffness problem from ever coming up again. “So Sister. Now that our noon-day work is done, I am feeling rather hungry. Shall we invite the girls to break our fast?”
Celestia looked up at us with a little smile, and nodded. “Very well Luna. Let’s…go back inside.”
For once, Canterlot Castle’s dining table was nearly close to full. With the six guests, me, Tia, Shiny and Cadance, we made two rows of ponies while Celestia sat at the head of the table. Luna had been offered a seat at the other end, but I managed to talk her out of it in lieu of sitting between AJ and Pinkie Pie.
For some reason, Tia looked a little jealous at the decision. According to her sister’s evaluation anyway.
“So,” Applejack said between bites of her fancy gelatinous apple dish that seemed to have equal amounts of decoration as it did food. “Not that Ah’m complaining Princess, but what was such a big deal that ya had to call us all down here to take care of that statue fella?”
“Yeah, he didn’t seem like that big a problem,” Rainbow Dash added.
Twilight let out a painful groan. “Didn’t either of you listen in your Ancient Equestrian History classes?” she deadpanned.
While Applejack thought about the question for a moment and then shook her head, Rainbow Dash simply lifted her shoulders in a shrug before speaking. “Eh, they probably held off a class that boring for the year I didn’t go.”
Twilight blinked, the expression on her face telling me that it was taking her mind to process that little statement. “Wait a minute…you dropped out of school?!”
Wanting to avoid whatever rant Purple Smart was about to go into, I sighed and started talking. “Discord was one of the most terrifying threats Equestria ever faced. He was able to defeat Princess Luna and Celestia in combat, and apparently kicked them off the throne for an undetermined amount of time-”
“Four days,” Celestia added after wiping her mouth with a napkin. “We had to retreat and heal for three days after he dropped a volcano on top of us, and then spent a day retrieving the Elements of Harmony.”
The new bit of information drew Twilight’s attention like a moth to a flame. “He defeated you Princess?”
“Oh my, that must have been frightening,” Fluttershy added.
Luna scoffed. “While inconvenient for us, the four days of his rule were a torture on the sanity of our little ponies,” she told the pegasus sitting across from us. “Discord took pleasure in destroying a pony’s grip on reality until they could no longer tell what was real and what was merely an illusion concocted by their fearful mind.”
As all of the little ponies around us got a frightened look on their faces at such a prospect, Celestia cleared her throat. “I believe my sister exaggerates a bit.”
“And you continue to lie to yourself about the depths of his depravity Sister,” Luna countered with a frown. “But I was there to see the terrors he planted in the minds of our little ponies while they slept, as well as their memories of the events. Discord was a creature that took joy in the suffering of others. What other word for that is there besides monster?”
With the conversation getting a little too heavy, I looked over to the white unicorn sitting on the other side of the table. “Sooooo Rarity! How’re those dress designs for Luna and Celestia coming?”
Celestia was quick to jump in on that too. “It’s only been a day Nighty,” she said before looking over to the pony in question. “I’d much rather you be getting some sleep my little pony. You looked absolutely ragged last night at the show Rarity.”
The comment from her goddess got a flinch from Rarity, although all of the other girls sunk much lower in their seats that she did.
“Yeah…super sorry about all that again Rarity,” Pinkie said before she looked away from the unicorn before the marshmallow could turn to look her in the eyes.
But Rarity just held up her hoof. “Girls, I remind you, the fashion show was my idea in the first place. It was my own foolishness that kept me from simply pushing it back because of all the alterations on your dresses,” she told them. “And it all worked out in the end. Hoity-Toity’s ordered ten of each dress for his store here in Canterlot!”
While all the other girls looked overjoyed at the news, Celestia wasn’t. “I hope that you told him you will be needing a great deal of rest to recover first,” she said before her eyes narrowed. “Because if you intend to go on another sewing binge, I will personally drag you onto a bed in this castle and hold you there until I am satisfied that you have caught up on your sleep. Understand?”
The threat got a nervous nod. “Understood princess.”
Tia slumped just a little and shook her head. “I’m sorry, it’s just…you girls are very dear to me. And considering your importance, I don’t want any undue stress put on any of you,” she said before focusing on the unicorn again. “If you can’t stop working for financial reasons Rarity, I would be more than willing to offer you all a…retainer for your position as the Bearer of Generosity.”
“Pfft!” Rainbow Dash scoffed. “You kidding? Rarity’s got more money than all of-wait, how much we talking about here?”
“Rainbow!” Twilight scolded the friend sitting next to her.
Completely ignoring the little unicorn sitting as next to her as she could be, Celestia gave a minute shrug. “Well, considering that you all saved the world on your first use of the Elements, and ensured another threat to Equestria remained locked away…I can assure you all that it would be more than enough to live comfortably for the rest of your lives without needing to lift a hoof.”
All of the little ponies stared at the goddess for several minutes with wide eyes. Then, Pinkie spoke. “So…we’d basically be like Twilight?”
“What?” Twilight yelled as the question before looking back over to Pinkie. “Hey! I have a job!”
Rainbow Dash snorted. “Yeah, running the Ponyville Library that the town barely bothers to use. Hay, I’m probably the pony that…goes…in there…the most,” she said, a dumbfounded expression crossing her face as the pony came to a horrible realization. “Wait, does that make me a nerd?!”
Next to the blue pegasus Twilight groaned at her friend’s reaction before she looked over to the rest of the ponies. “Look, I work. Therefore, it is a job.”
“Oh no Rainbow Dash,” Fluttershy assured her gently from the other side of the table. “You’re just as, um…you as ever.”
“But how many hours do you put in doing library work?” Pinkie asked Twilight. “I mean, it seems like you’re always willing to help any of us out when we have a problem. Plus, there’s all those jobs you do in the library that are just there because you made them up. I mean, just how many times do books need to be re-shelved a month? It just seems like busy work instead of, you know, work that needs to be done.”
Twilight only looked over to Pinkie, and blinked at her with a dumbfounded expression.
“Hey Rares, I got a question about them dresses,” Applejack spoke up, drawing the unicorn’s attention. “You mean that fru-fru pony’s gonna be selling the dresses we’re supposta be wearin’ to the Gala? Ah thought we were gonna be the only ones with them things on.”
Beside me, Pinkie blinked and nodded as she switched conversations on the fly. “Hey, yeah! What’s up with that?”
Then Fluttershy added her two bits. “Oh, I don’t mind being able to blend in with the crowd.”
“Oh relax girls,” Rarity assured them. “Those dresses wont be on the market until after the Gala.”
Celestia nodded in approval. “Good. Then you do have some time to get some sleep,” she said before he glanced over to me and Luna for a second. “Although…you do remember the instructions I gave you regarding my dress, yes?”
I raised an eyebrow at the comment, but didn’t comment on it as Rarity looked back and forth between Luna and Celestia. “Oh yes, about that. I was doing some brainstorming this morning, and had an idea,” she said. “I though the two of you could go as an opposite couple!”
“A what?” Luna asked.
Rarity turned to address us directly. “Well Princess, I was thinking that since this is your first Gala, sort of a coming back party, if you will.”
“Oh! We should have one of those!” Pinkie exclaimed.
From her place at the head of the table, Celestia sighed and hung her head. “We did Pinkie. It…didn’t go very well.”
“Ahem…yes…well,” Rarity went on, slowly plowing through the somber mood that hung over the room with Celestia’s information. “What I was thinking was that I could use the same basic design for both dresses, but different colors and decoration. As you no doubt know Princess, the way a pony dresses in Canterlot says a lot about them. In this way, you will be declaring that you are equal to Princess Celestia, but work towards the same goals. You are sisters, but still your own pony. Night and day!”
With her verbal presentation finished, Rarity smiled at us. “What do you think?”
Luna smiled. “Ah, very inventive Ms Rarity.”
For some reason, I caught Celestia letting out a relieved sigh at Luna’s response. Then, she looked around at the girls. “So, anypony else have some good news they want to share?”
Faster than the eye could follow, Pinkie’s foreleg was in the air. “Ohhh! Oh! Oh! Pick me! I have something neat to share!” she said before Celestia nodded in her direction. “The day after tomorrow, Princess Luna and Nighty are taking me to see Ponyacci!”
Hearing that bit of news for the first time, I looked down at the little pink pony that was hugging the crap out of my leg. “Wait…I thought we were going to the circus,” I sort of asked Pinkie. I had seen the add in the Canterlot Times a few days ago before coming to Ponyville for Rarity’s thing, and thought it would be a nice little bonding experience for me and Pinkie.
She would be entertained, and I wouldn’t have to talk to her. It was a win-win.
“Ponyacci is the headliner clown for the Grand Equestrian Circus,” Celestia explained with a little smile. “I’ve seen his work, it’s quite good.”
“He’s my idol!” the pink pony exclaimed.
The statement filled me with dread. If Pinkie idolized him for being a goofball… Visions of some kind of…super-Pinkie ran through my head as I tried to keep a straight face. “Oh that’s…” I told myself to keep my voice steady, didn’t want to worry the little pink puffball. It wasn’t her fault she was unbearably crazy. “That’s great Pinkie.”
And Pinkie looked up at me with those kinds of eyes that only a child could properly use. You know, the big blue sparkly ones that were all full of hope. “And then we’ll have a super-duper bonding adventure, and become the bestest best of besties!”
With my personal space continuing to be obliterated by the presence of Pinkie Pie, all I could think of was, God dammit you stupid donkey! When the hell are you going to Ponyville to teach Pinkie about people needing personal time?
Shortly afterwards, the desert cart was rolled in, and everyone learned why I had insisted all of the girls keep wearing their Elements of Harmony during the meal when I reminded Celestia about her diet.
The morning after our easy-button win against Discord, I awoke as a mare on a mission. I had no time or inclination for games. When Sparkler approached my bed and prepared for the morning hug, I held off on indulging and simply sat up to hear Twinkleshine go on about the latest bit of reports and news from around Equestria.
Then came time for Luna’s morning bath, and we got down for a soak shortly before the fourth pony in our entourage came galloping into our bedroom, and then to the bathroom right as Minuette went to work on combining Luna’s tail.
Luna gave the pony in the purple sweater a frown. “Ah Moondancer, thou art late,” she said in a no-nonsense tone. “It does not reflect well upon thy character to not be on time on the first day.”
“I’m sorry Your Highness!” she said as she put her nose to the floor in a bow. “I just…well, I ran into Twilight Sparkle at the library yesterday when she was um…discussing the duties of a head librarian with another pony, and time got away from us! It won’t happen again, I swear!”
I rolled my eyes. “Relax Mooner,” I said before waving her groveling off with a hoof. “We’re not going to fire you for being late on your first day.”
She looked up and her expression softened. “Thank you, Your Highness!” she said before looking over to Minuette and mouthed ‘Mooner’?
My not-dentist giggled. “Get used to it Mooner. The princess has special names for all of us.”
I raised an eyebrow and looked back to Minuette. “I haven’t called you colt-gate in weeks Minuette.”
The blue pony blushed and looked away. “Of course, sorry Your-uh, Nighty.”
Although I didn’t have time now, I made a mental note to have a private talk with Minuette to see if anything was bothering her. She looked a little...off. “Now, down to business,” I said, turning back to Moondancer. “There’s something I need to ask you.”
“I thought I was the one to make use of Mooner,” Luna said.
“Yeah, but I might as well have her do something for me if she has the skills for it,” I told Luna. “I mean, she is a library rat after all.”
My mention of the library got a groan from Luna. “Ugh, not this again. Nighty, will you not abandon this foolish search of yours? Tis nothing but a waste of time.”
“Yeah? Well it’s my time to waste...sort of, so…” I looked around and focused on the bathroom mirror above the sink. “Nah!” I replied as I stuck my tongue out at Luna. Also, I made a mental note to hire another hoof maiden to follow me around with a handy mirror. Talking to Luna when there was a reflection around was so much easier than just looking at her body. Less dizzying too.
Moondancer tilted her head in confusion. “So…you want me to find a book?”
The question got a short from Luna. “A book she does not know the title nor contents of,” the alicorn said.
“I’ll know it when I see it! Uh…instinctive knowledge, and all that,” I told Luna. It would have a big golden and red sun on the cover. No title, no author credit, no nothing. Just Sunset’s cutie mark. I looked back to Moondancer. “I know it’s in the castle somewhere. Thing is, I’ve already searched all of the archives, and haven’t been able to find it.” Not to mention the places where it should have been, like under Celestia’s bed. “I just need to know if there’s anyplace else where it could be stored without sticking out.”
Moondancer tapped her chin. “Well…there might be a copy in the backup book depository,” she said before a distant look entered into Moondancer’s eyes.
Luna raised an eyebrow that I had to keep up while she spoke. “What, pray tell, is that?”
Shaking off her distraction, the mare looked back to us as I lifted my wet front hoof out of the water for Twinkleshine to continue with the morning grooming. “Oh! Well, when the Manehattan Library burned down fifty years ago, a lot of antique literature that was in storage there was lost, one of a kind books that were display only. To keep it from happening again, Princess Celestia ordered a storage area constructed in Canterlot where at least one copy of every book in Equestria would be stored to keep that from happening again. There’s even supposed to be spells on the vault to protect the books from fire damage and aging. It’s built into the mountain, but…it’s still technically part of the castle.”
I frowned at the suggestion. Although it was a collection of books that I hadn’t gone through, I seriously doubted that the every book in Equestria thing included private journals. On the other hand, if Twilight’s library did burn down…it made sense that Tia would get the replacements from such a place. But that didn’t mean I saw a few flaws with the idea. “Okay, but just how accessible is this thing?”
“Every library has a drop box for new donations to the emergency archives Your Highness, but if you mean how many ponies can actually go inside…it requires Princess Celestia’s permission to get into the vault.”
“Wait,” Luna spoke up. “If only a royal can get inside, then how are new tomes added? And how do they check to make sure there are not too many copies of the same work?”
Moondancer shrugged. “Well, I know Princess Celestia deposits them herself, and there are clerks that go through the donations to make sure no more than ten copies of a single book are stored at any time,” she said before becoming hesitant. “But…I don’t know how the shelves are stocked, or even what system Princess Celestia would use. She predates normal library sorting methods.”
I snorted. “Eh, who cares? And if you need a royal to get in, then Luna can do it, right Princess?” I asked my reflection sweetly.
“Ugh…I suppose,” she admitted.
“Great!” I exclaimed before looking back to Moondancer. “So, we’ll let you in, and you find what I need, sound good?”
“W-Wait a second!” Moondancer cut in. “You want me to search through every book in Equestria for a book you don’t even know the title to? How in the hay am I supposed to do that?”
The pony’s panicked reply at the seemingly impossible task gave me pause. “Okay…you got a point there,” I said before quickly revising the plan. “How about you get some books from storage, bring them to me, and then I’ll tell you if any of them are the book I want?”
There was also something else. Something I was missing… “Oh! And I’ll have list drawn up of every book in the Royal Library so you don’t end up bringing me a book I know isn’t the book I’m looking for, sound good?”
Moondancer stared at me with wide eyes, her body slightly slumped. “Wha?”
“Great!” I said stepping out of the bath so that Twinkie and Minuette could work their magic on some scrapers and towels to start getting rid of the excess water clinging to Luna’s coat.
With Mooner’s assignment assigned and me dried off, I directed the girls out of the room, and then wrapped Minuette in Luna’s magic to pull her back in and floated the little unicorn in front of my face. She looked a little confused at the action. “Uh…Princess?”
“Tis not I that am responsible for this,” Luna told her.
After I got Luna’s mouth back under my control, I gave the unicorn a little grin. “Oh hey Minuette, you feeling okay? I noticed you look a bit…off this morning.”
Her eyes widened for a second, and then she blushed and looked away. “It’s…nothing, Nighty. Nothing you need to worry about anyway.”
I frowned at her for a few seconds. “Yes it is. You’re our friend,” I told her before shrugging. “Besides, it’s Luna’s job to monitor the mental health of all Equestrians. So spill, or you’re just going to give us this extra job to do later tonight.”
All of a sudden, my mouth started moving on its own again. “You need not sound so professional about it Nighty,” Luna scolded me. “Now, open our forelegs and bring our attendant in for a hug so that we may offer emotional comfort.”
Minuette grunted when she hit my chest, and I don’t think I gave her much room to breathe with the amount of force I held her against Luna’s body with before I brought in my wings to cocoon her completely. At least I hoped that was the reason for Minuette’s face turning as red as it did. I really didn’t want her developing a crush on Luna while I was still inside the alicorn.
“P-Princess, you really don’t have to do this,” she whined.
“Yes I do,” Luna told her gently after directing me to get down close to whisper in her ear. “You were not only one of the first ponies to accept me, but you and your friend were willing to approach closer than any others to serve me,” she told the mare gently. “You keep loneliness that I have experienced for a thousand years at bay. While there are others that I hold in higher esteem, your company is a constant gift that I treasure greatly. So please, tell me what bothers you my little pony. I shall do my best to correct it.”
Minuette gulped. “Hugs.”
I blinked, or maybe it was Luna. I think we were both confused at our toothpaste-pony’s response. “Huh?”
“Well it’s just…the past few days, all you’ve been doing is hugging Sparkler in the morning!” Minuette complained. “And she doesn’t do nearly as much as me or Twinkleshine! But you give her all the attention.”
That cleared things up for me quite a bit. Although, I didn’t think the pony formally known as Colgate would have been angry about that. “Wait…I thought you hated getting snuggled in the morning,” I said to the unicorn.
In contrast, Sparkler knew how to just roll with the grab. Derpy was very big on letting her kids know how much she loved them in a physical way, and years of experience had made the little unicorn an expert on taking even the most cuddling snuggle with little difficulty.
Minuette just let out a little embarrassed moan. “Well…I got used to them,” she said in the most adorable way possible.
“Then Nighty and I will simply have to start spreading our physical appreciation around again,” Luna said before ordering me to nuzzle the equine with the lighter coat before we let her go. “And to show you both that I am quite grateful for your work, would you like to accompany us to the circus tomorrow night?”
“Wait,” I spoke up. “I thought we were taking Pinkie.”
Luna let out a chuckle. “You are taking Pinkie Pie. I am taking Minuette and Twinkleshine,” she told me before we looked back to the blue unicorn. “That is, if you wish to accompany us to sit in the royalty section.”
Minuette’s wide eyes and broad smile told me her answer before a single syllable was uttered.
The Great Equestrian Circus was exactly what I expected it to be. Just…without the animals. Unless you counted the ponies I mean. There were trapezes performers, tightrope walkers, and a bunch of other minor acts that were apparently there to get the crowd all warmed up for the main event.
Up above most of the crowd, Pinkie, Minuette, Twinkleshine and me/Luna sat in the royal box seat, filling it to near capacity. As much as I wanted to share the moment with Pinkie, I ended up with both of my girls flanking me. Although considering how much she jumped up and down at the acts, it was probably for the best.
With it being after dark, Nightwing came along as well. Not to mention a few dozen members of the Night Guard. Luna had decided to give them a semi-night off, just having a few work security for the event thanks to her presence. However, the captain of said guard refused to go into the box, and remained at his post outside our little sitting area.
As the trapeze act concluded, all the ponies stomped their hooves and I leaned back to whisper to Nightwing. “Have a guard follow them out to their wagon to make sure nothing happens to them Captain,” I ordered the bat-pony.
Nightwing looked over at me with as close as he ever came to wearing a surprised face. “Do you suspect something might happen tonight Mistress?”
“Let’s hear it for the mother-son team of Robin and Flying Gray!” the ring master shouted, getting even more stomps from the assembled ponies. Although why they were cheering for a pair of pegasi on the trapeze didn’t make much sense to me. No danger, no thrill.
I resisted the urge to smirk. “Just a weird feeling I’ve got is all.”
“You know my standing orders in regards to Nighty’s commands,” Luna told him. “Off with you now, the main event is about to start.”
A second later, all the lights went out, with the exception of a beacon that shined upon the center ring and the “Now without further ado, fillies, gentlecolts, and foals of all ages, prepare yourself for the astounding antics of Equestria’s silliest star…PONYACCI!”
Upon the announcement of his name, the stand exploded in a mass of confetti, and revealed a pony in a colorful clown costume wearing face paint of white and green and blue, with a star on his forehead and big circles drawn at the end of his mouth. “Hey-Hey there! Who’s ready to laugh?”
As the night continued, I found myself impressed by the clown’s antics, if not entertained by the humor. Unfortunately, horse jokes didn’t really work all that well when they were actually trying to be funny. Still, the stallion sure as hell made up for the quality with quantity. He juggled freakishly heavy objects with his rear hooves while balancing on a ball, performed magic tricks despite being an earth pony, played a twelve instrument band, and even went up on the high wire. Throughout it all though, he cracked plenty of jokes with plenty of good timing.
My companions seemed to enjoy it a great deal, even Luna, who had us clap our hooves together and stomp them on the ground so much that I was afraid our box was going to break apart. So, even though I didn’t get most of what was going on, I managed to have a good time since I saw Minuette, Twinkleshine and Pinkie Pie having fun.
But as with all good things, the clown’s act came to an end, and it was time to go. Because of Luna’s celebrity status, we accepted a special thanks for our attendance and ducked out a bit earlier than everyone else. After getting a little bit away from the crowd, I finally asked the obligatory question.
“So, did you girls have fun?”
Being the most serious of the group, although I’ll admit we were setting the bar pretty low, Twinkleshine nodded and smiled. “Oh yes! Thank you for inviting us Princess Luna.”
“Fun?” Minuette asked with a bright smile. “We had a blast! That was so amazing. Thank you both so much!”
“Yeah! Thank you Princess Luna Nighty!” Pinkie agreed as she pulled the string on a doll that was made to look like the pony we had just seen to make it talk. She had another back home but…I had thought Pinkie might want a newer version.
“The drinks were a little flat.”
All four of us looked over to Nightwing, and I rolled my eyes.
Men! They sucked no matter what species they were.
Still, with the show over, it didn’t look like there was much else to do.
With space being at a premium in Canterlot, the circus had been set up down at the foot of the mountain, and that meant ponies were lining up to board the train. But I didn’t want Pinkie and the girls to go just yet! Even if she was kind of the most annoying pony since she hadn’t learned how to tone down the wackiness yet, Pinkie was still packing her Mane Six membership card.
She deserved more than just a free night to a show that had been sold out for week and free food! She needed…well…something like…
“Ponyacci’s my idol you know,” Pinkie told the girls. “He’s forgotten more about comedy than most ponies ever learn!”
Like a lighting bolt, inspiration struck me. “Hey Pinkie, girls…you want to go meet him?”
Their little conversation stopped, and all three of the little mares turned towards me with wide eyes. “You can do that?” the pink one asked.
Luna took a second to frown at them. “We are the Princess of Equestria. I think that we are more than capable of arranging an audience with a clown young Pie.”
It was the cab drivers in Manehattan that we’d be having trouble with.
Like Luna predicted, no one in the circus was stupid or ballzy enough to try and stop an alicorn twice their size when she was being followed by a sugary fangirl en route to her idol.
Finding Ponyacci’s wagon didn’t prove very hard. All Luna had to do was ask directions. She didn’t even need to yell. But...it didn’t really look much like a Hollywood superstar’s trailer. In fact, it didn’t look all that much bigger than Trixie’s wagon seemed to be on the show. Just a mobile bedroom rather than a full house.
As not to scare the clown off, I had the girls hold Pinkie back while I approached the house and knocked four times on the door.
“One moment,” a…less than cheerful voice called out from inside the trailer before I could hear an uneven clip clop of hooves from inside. Then when the door opened, I blinked at the stallion that stood before me.
He…wasn’t quite what I was expecting.
A dark tan coat covered his body, but the stallion’s mane was a dark gray, and a little bit frazzled. It looked like it was trying to be poofy, but just didn’t have the energy. While nowhere near the level of decrepit Granny Smith was, I did catch some age lines underneath the pony’s golden eyes. And if I could notice them, it said plenty about his years.
Although after seeing me, his eyes widened, and the stallion went into a deep bow. “Princess Luna. I’m sorry your majesty! Nopony told me that you wanted to see me.”
“At ease my little pony,” she assured him. “Tis my compatriots that wished for an audience to meet you. I simply provided them the opportunity. Although, I did enjoy thy performance a great deal.”
As the aging stallion looked over to Pinkie, the party pony squealed and jumped out of the grip of the unicorns before rushing over. “Hello Mr Ponyacci sir! My name’s Pinkie Pie. With two Ps, two Es and three eyes!” she said with a wink. “I’m your biggest fan! Can you sign this for me?”
Ponyacci chuckled as she shoved the doll in his face. “Of course Ms Pie. Let me just get a pen,” he said before turning around, and wincing terribly. “Agh!”
While Pinkie and Minuette let out gasps of horror at seeing the other pony cringe in pain, Twinkleshine stepped forward. “Are you alright Mr Ponyacci?”
“I-I’m fine,” he assured the pink-haired unicorn with a little smile. “I just strained a muscle or two during tonight’s performance. That’s all.”
“Allow me to examine you jester,” Luna told him gently, if in a no nonsense tone. I willed some magic into the horn, and let Luna guide me through the motions for a spell I had seen her use plenty of times whenever a guard got hurt in training. A moment later, the pony was surrounded by a blue light and carried out of the trailer while Luna began to focus her magic on a particular area.
I decided to play the political relations pony. “Sorry if this is a bit embarrassing. Luna tends to just do what needs doing sometimes.”
When the old pony gave me an odd look at the change in my speech pattern, Pinkie jumped in. “Oh, that’s Nighty, she’s some kind of ancient mind monster that took over Luna’s body and turned her into Nightmare Moon. But you don’t have to worry, she’s friendly now. And they’re kind of stuck together.”
Right as Pinkie’s introduction ended, Luna had me put the stallion back on the ground and started talking. “I have done what I could. There will still be some soreness for the next few days, but thy body should be up to its usual form by next week.”
The stallion nodded. “Thank you Princess,” he said before looking down at the formerly injured leg. A few seconds of looking at it made him sigh, and he shook his head and looked back at me and Luna with a sad expression. “Maybe I should take this as a sign. Performing for royalty. That…seems like a good way to go out, wouldn’t you say?”
“WHAT?” Pinkie Pie shouted. “W-What do you mean go out? You sound like you're quitting! But that’s not right, is it Ponyacci? Y-You can’t quit! You’re the bestest best clown in Equestria! W-What’s wrong? Don’t you like clowning around anymore?”
Ponyacci sighed, and looked over to Pinkie as his eyes took on an even heavier look to them. “That may be true Ms Pie, but…you need to understand something,” he began. “I’ve been a clown for a very long time, probably before you were even born. But being a clown takes its toll on you, and even though I love doing it…well, you yourself saw how I was after tonight’s show. I’m not a young pony anymore Ms Pie, and although the spirit is willing, the coat is old and spongy in some places.”
He looked back to his cutie mark, and I blinked at the image. It was a ponified version of the comedy half of the old Greek symbol for drama. “Comedy may be my talent Ms Pie, but…what’s a pony to do if he just can’t perform anymore?”
“Oh my, that certainly is terrible,” Luna told him with as much sympathy as I had ever heard her use. And…I could see how she would emphasize with the guy. Luna went nuts because of all the stuff involving no one appreciating her night. For her to see a pony unable to even do what he was meant to do…it must have brought up some bad memories.
“NO!” Pinkie shouted, more in horror than anger as she pointed a hoof at the stallion. “You’re just…you’re just a little sad over having a bad slip-n-fall!”
Minuette reached up to touch Pinkie Pie on the shoulder. “Pinkie. It’s not that he wants to quit-”
The pink pony shook her head fiercely. “You’re just having a bad night, that’s all! You just need to cheer up a bit. Then everything will be fine!” she insisted before she ran so fast over to a crate marked confetti cannon and jumped inside it.
A tingle of fear crept down my spine, and I wondered if now would be a good time to get gone before all the weird shit started happening. I mean, Pinkie Pie just…did something Pinkie! She did something Pinkie while in distress, which meant she was going to-BAM!
I sighed as Pinkie exploded out of the crate in a storm of smoke and confetti while music began to play in the background despite there being no instruments around anywhere.
Fuck it, I told myself before sitting down to watch the show. Might as well enjoy it, and learn to just get the fuck out faster next time.
Then, as two dozen balloons flew out of the box she was in, Pinkie pie jumped out, and began to sing and prance around.
In order to try and convince her idol not to hand in his resignation, she went about in her little musical number juggling all sorts of things while balancing on a ball, spun plates on three of her hooves, played the accordion and fired off a party cannon two or three times. In short, she went all out, using every trick of the older pony’s that she knew, ending it all in a grand fireworks display with a blast from her personal party cannon.
…that was…somehow inside the circus supplies.
I did my best to ignore that fact.
When it was all over, the pink party pony posed in a rain of confetti, with two of her hooves in the air. She held her stance as she panted for breath with a hopeful look on her face. “So…did I…convince you to keep clowning around?”
Taking in all the impossibility in front of him like it was an everyday occurrence, the old stallion gave her a warm smile. And then the old bastard proceeded to rip out my little Pinkie Pie’s heart before he took a knife and gutted her hopes and dreams, tossing them to the ground like trash with a single word. “No.”
As Pinkie let out a disappointed whine, the dried up old hack of a clown walked around examining her props. “Although if it makes you feel any better, your performance was excellent,” he began in an attempt to avoid a life where every moment he lay asleep would be a living hell. “Your singing and juggling was good, but you could use a bit more balance while rolling your ball around. Try inflating it a little bit more, it’ll give you a firmer surface.”
When he was done poking at Pinkie’s ball, the stallion looked at her cannon. “Hmm, this is a Z&R model, right? Try putting two parts glitter to one part confetti, you’ll get a better bang. Oh, and your accordion sounds a bit out of tune. You need to play it at least once every six months to see if it needs tinkering with.”
Minuette laughed in the way she usually did. “Wow Mr Ponyacci, I’ve never seen anypony be able to give Pinkie Pie tips before. You could really teach this stuff!”
All of a sudden, Pinkie Pie shook herself out of her funk and put on one of her super-happy extra big smiles. “T-THAT’S IT!”
“Hmm?” the old stallion said as he turned his attention to Pinkie.
“Teach! If you’re too old to perform and serve as an inspiration to ponies that way, then what about teaching other ponies in the art of clowning around?” she asked in an exciting tone. “You told me lots about how to fix my performance, I bet there’s plenty of ponies out there you could instruct.”
I blinked in surprise. “That…actually makes a lot of sense.” I would have said more, but the level of surprise I was experiencing had just about left me mute.
“I wouldn’t have to be on the road as much,” the older pony mumbled to himself. “And performances wouldn’t be nearly as taxing if they were just a quick demonstration of a single trick or two a day instead of a full act. I could work my comedy into my lectures! I wouldn’t have to give up being funny.”
A second later, a pink cloud of fluff nearly filled my vision. “Princess Luna, can you help?”
“Pardon?” Luna’s mouth said without my permission.
“Well I heard how you’ve got all these projects going on, but would one more hurt very much? Would it” Pinkie asked as se put on a little pout. “Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease?”
Thus were plans drawn up for the first clown college of Equestria. For generations, ponies would go to this insane institution to learn the art of comedy and clowning, be it circus, rodeo, or class. And although Pinkie pushed for the name of the school to be the same as her idol, I got her to settle for a ten foot statue. Instead, we gave the school a proper, fitting name for such a place.
We called it Hayvard.
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think you mean confections.
Hi Discord! Bye Discord!
This was like a double fake out. I did think Ponyacci when I saw the title, but then they put Discord under in record time I thought he was the clown. Still a good chapter. Looks like Minuette got Stockholm's syndrome. She had joined the hugged side.
Finaly took you long enough
So now the Equestrian equivalent of Harvard is a clown college? You win Nighty, you just win, forever.
Hayvard. fantastic, its one of those jokes that makes you just lean back with a smile and take a minute to let it fully sink in.
I love this kind of story sections, simple and very good food for thought along with being a great relaxing read.
"Men! They sucked no matter what species they were."
Only if they're gay.
Man, the title is so misleading.
It should be "I deal with an abomination against all that is decent; also Discord as well".
Calling it. Changeling Minuette! I'm pretty sure she was one of the bridesmaids.
6500189 Maybe she's just full of hot air?
6500337 there is always that possibility.
6500332 Possible or she really did get used to the snuggles and having them suddenly removed became a letdown.
OOOHHH Can't wait for them to be and EG1. Though why can't Nighty just draw Sunny's mark?
Robin and Flying Gray. I see what you did there.
Son
Hayvard. Yeah, sounds about right. Looking forward to more.
Keep up the good work. Deus tecum.
GG.
Title reminded me of this:
I see someone's borrowing story ideas from the comic series. Still, it was well done.
I saw this chapter in the featured box, and now my parents are looking at me weird.
I don't care, this story is awesome.
Keep up the good work, and I hope to see some more of this soon!
Every time a pony shakes their butt at someone I can't help but remember that their genitals are on display as well. So much pony poon being shoved around! The amount of times our protagonist mentions butts is just crazy... It's also hilarious just how close to the edge this fic is. It's almost like she/he is avoiding the thought of pony poon, but that is no doubt due to the rating.
6500264 i agree
I loved the Discord scene. This just means he's gonna be extra pissed if he gets out again.
So Nighty has none of the knowledge from the comics. It does keep her on her toes since she knows so much.
Query: since Nighty didn't show up to Ponyville until ep. 8, she missed a few episodes. Since she is obsessed with Sunset and can't do anything until she finds the journal, will she do anything with Trixie and her problems?
"all manner of convections"
...Pretty sure you meant "confections". :)
"before Celestia look back"
"looked"?
"you were much more fit mare"
"were a much"?
"dodging and bucking"
Did you mean to leave off the Oxford Comma?
"the expression on her face telling me that it was taking her mind to process that little statement"
Ought there to be something like "all of her mind" or "her mind several moments" in there?
"Minuette and mouthed"
"mouthing"?
"weeks Minuette"
"weeks, Minuette"?
"got a short from"
"snort"?
"And I’ll have list drawn"
Something appears to be missing there.
Since there is now a clown collage I hope Nightmare remember's to send an invite to a certain giant clumsy stallion, plus it would be funny to hear both Luna and Nightmares reaction to seeing a stallion his size.
This chapter was so much win.
I am fairly certain this chapter is objectively at least twice as good as any before it. ONWARD TO GLORY! fc02.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2013/001/7/e/clapping_pony_icon___nightmare_moon_by_taritoons-d5prx8v.gif
You sunnova bitch! how dare you stop that murder! he needs the angst to be a super hero!
Nice Batman shout out!
Very nice chapter, especially the idea of old ponies being able to pass on their skills to other ponies. I think Nighty and Luna should push for a program to start up more of these colleges with ponies expert in their trades to pass on their skills. Mining school, building school, etc. It would make old ponies happy to be wanted.
OK, I really have to ask this: is this seriously supposed to even sound attractive to anyone? Because the only thing that gives me is vague nausea.
Also, poor Discord. They really curb-stomped him there.
6500193 Yeah, them cute fuzzies love their jam.
...
Or any sugar for that matter.
I've got two in the gum tree behind my back shed that raid my mulberry bush if I don't leave globs of strawberry jam on the low-lying branches.
6500573 I actually hope he gets out then eventually becomes a good guy i really like his character in the show.
6500332
6500399 why not both?
6500310 That is the best comment I've read in weeks.
6500878 Agreed, Discord being reformed means more light-hearted shenanigans, and the possibility for extra silliness.
6500907
I love you.
I disagree, I like Bs and Cs since they are usually on athletic women. But a strong, lean butt is better. I would say Luna is the winner, heavily damped bounce is nice.
So much for each friend having a unique dress.
Batstallion?
Death by snu-snu.
The only way to re-turn Discord into stone faster was if he immediately said he wanted to be stoned for longer
Great chapter, as usual!
So, Nighty will do morning group hugs from now on. Absolute approval from me!
Also yay for giving an aging veteran of his art hope for a brighter future again! That was wonderful
Nobody ever goes for the much more obvious choice that offers itself and picks Oxford. It's disappointing.
6500981 Well, bigger is better is something that a lot of teenagers at least seem to think initially. I at least don't care one way or another.
MLP wise, a few fanfics noted that beauty is how close to Celestia you look, which would obviously include a larger butt.
Pretty sure she ordered a bunch of dresses in the original episode too.
I thought the same thing. Young justice robin was a part of the Flying Graysons, so that is amost certainly a reference
Loved the whole chapter, but Discord's beat down and the whole bit with the clown stood out as rather awesome and adorable especially.
Brutal Pinkie.
And the clown who was dealt with was Discord.
6500853
In Mauritania women need to be morbidly obese to get suitors. Their version of fat camp is where you go to gain weight. Recalcitrant girls are force‐fed until they’re blubbery mountains. In short, yes, there is even an entire country where such land whales are highly sought after.
6501418
I'm sceptical. Also we're not in Mauritania and I'm pretty sure neither is the author.
I loved it everything is perfect to my liking, I can't wait for more chapters to come out
You do not eat cooking implements. Now that that's out of the way, in a few years, introduce law to Hayvard and you have the an instant Ivy League accredited college. Because there are silly laws, and laws about jokes.
6500816
Nice to see what kind of reputation Luna and Nighty are building for themselves: hospital reforms, guarding the gate of Tartarus, and now a clown college.
Ideas/suggestions:
=Nighty insists Celestia takes a week-long vacation.
=For "Stare Master", pertification could be used to place sick ponies into suspected animation until a cure for their illness can be discovered, or remain stable long enough for a specialist to be brought to the hospital.
=In "Sonic Rainboom", Twilight cast a spell that gave Rarity butterfly wings. It'd be great if Nighty asked the Canterlot School for Gifted Unicorns to do a feasibility study to see if the butterfly wing spell could be incorporated into an Icarus-like harness*.
*Idea borrowed form "Earth and Sky" by Warren Hutch.
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/34622/earth-sky
6501570
Lies and slander!
...Datebyo!
6501429
The entire first page of Google’s results for Mauritania and obesity is article after article confirming what I said, including a few that confirm the fat camps.
Also, where the story takes place or where we’re from is irrelevant; the question you asked was “is this seriously supposed to even sound attractive to anyone?” Emphasis on the anyone.