One-Shots18,903 stories ·2,369 members
Queen Chrysalis's Changeling Swarm2,758 stories ·3,960 members
Chrysalis goes over her past as she wonders the Everfree Forest. With the hive missing and her powers gone, she starts to question her own existance and starts searching for a second chance.
Thanks to Keeria (I hope I got the name right) for proofreading this.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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First :P
Also, I am doing requests for oneshots. Just PM me and I will try what I can.
What happened to all the corrections I made?
Anyway, it's good that you're actually trying to improve. This story was far from perfect, but at least you're trying. There isn't much I can say here that I didn't already say in your blog before you released it, especially since you're using a mostly unedited version with all the errors I pointed out and sent you corrections for still present. Regardless, I'm glad you're open to story ideas; I think writing any idea that people throw at you would be a fun and much-needed exercise in expanding your ability.
Technical issues aside, I think your next story needs dialogue. Of all the mistakes present here, that one bothers me the most for some reason; you seemed afraid to even try it, despite your story heading places where it would have been considered a necessity, but that won't get you anywhere. Try and fail, and repeat that until you quit failing.
Keep writing! Best of luck.
Edit: Okay, I take back some of what I just said, but only some. Upon a more arduous examination, you did change a few things I suggested, but not the majority of it. I'm glad you took my advice on those few things, anyway.
intresting
4.bp.blogspot.com/-oSWC8CgSLqI/TqMFIIyaKqI/AAAAAAAAAHg/pdf4zUe9WPY/s1600/four-stars_0.png
643263 Thanks. :D
It took me three days of writing and three days of editing to make this.
Bro you should make this a series.
It's either "C-a-d-a-n-c-e" or "C-a-d-e-n-c-e", not "Candace" (pay attention to the position of the "n"). Fix it.
Second paragraph- 'raods' instead of roads. Changelings spelt wrong throughout. Check your spelling on the whole, there are a few errors throughout the story.
Has a tendency, for example in the first paragraph, to switch tenses when you should stick to one.
Some points are not ponified as they should be in these fan fictions.
Sentence structure and length needs to be shifted slightly for the morpheme/meaning to become clear.
Overall, it's a great plot line but that's all it seems to be. This, at the minute, appears more as a quick plan of what is going to happen rather than the actual story itself. It would be great if this could perhaps be lengthened into a full story, going chapter by chapter because it does actually have the potential o be a great long fan fiction. A little tweaking and some more meat adding to it and you'll have the makings of a wonderful story.