The truth behind my story isn't one of surprise, if I'm honest with myself, I'm surprised I lasted this long but I guess all tales come to an end and this shall be my end. I could tell a thousand stories about how often I was told something wasn't safe and I still challenged my luck but I guess I never learned that lesson of know when to quit in time. Maybe that's the trick of time it convinces you, there is a lot more and then you relies the lie.
If only that bullet had found it's mark, maybe my suffering would have ended by now but that is no more than wishful thinking. Fate chose me to fail and I should just accept that, still accepting it is too boring but still who cares?
The sound of hooves are drawing closer to my cell. This darkness broke me days ago but I still wish light would not intrude on my world of despair. Everything has been taken, piece by singular piece, gram by microgram and here I sit waiting for the end. The sound of a key turning within that accursed lock, I will not allow my jailer to see the fear I hold and the same goes double for any higher power.
The door swings wide "Get up, Scum!" the gruff voiced stallion snaps as I rise weakly to my hooves "Have you enjoyed your time here?" that stupid smile he wears on his muzzle, oh goodness I'd love to knock his teeth in and show him their shattered remains.
I smile weakly before I say "Well now that you mention it, I couldn't find the mini fridge or the mint on my pillow" I won't show these scum bags the fear they desire "I know I won't be giving this place a good review and I won't recommend it to my friends" a weak laugh escapes me.
The jailer steps forward and with a swift kick floors me but despite that my body seems incapable of pain or I'm just so sore it doesn't matter. "We'll see if your still able to joke with a hole through your head!" the jailer snaps as he attaches a chain to the cuffs on my fore hooves and gives the chain a firm pull "Your getting a very public execution"
"Oh, well there's no need to go all out, just for me" I say as we exit my cell, goodness I wish he'd let me do something about that damned leg but as we turn the corner I can see through a window, what the jailer was driving at, ponies from all over are waiting to see an assassin with a couple dozen holes in their corpse and there's the maniac himself, Redeye standing well above the rest and looking really smug "So who's the lucky, Sod?" I ask as I hobble on.
Looking around the area is vast, it can clearly hold more ponies than I can count and even thos cowardly Pegasus ponies will be able to see another crime they've allowed to happen but then again hell if I want their help. I can see walking past a large hole in the cracked pavement, the bullet that sealed my fate and the fates of many more untold numbers of slave ponies.
"An Alicorn" the jailer says as my face drains of what little color it had left "Redeye wants to make an example of you" even the jailer seems afraid of the demonic Alicorns and their reported powers.
"Oh, joy" I joke as we reach the spot where I'll meet my end, I'm tied to the post and then they try to put a blindfold on my face "NO! I want to see it coming" in truth I can't stand having my eyes covered. Why would I allow the darkness to consume my final moments?
Suddenly the vile voice of Redeye booms out "Welcome! All but one of you here is my friend! Behold the fool who tried to kill me!" I cannot help but roll my eyes "Has the damned got any final remarks?"
All within the area fall quiet, it's so very quiet, clearly they want to hear the last foolish words that I have left but what does it matter to me what they think? All those who's thoughts that mattered to me have long since left me and their thoughts wouldn't change a damned thing.
As my head faces upwards, I muster all the hate my body has left and say with all venom that the words can possess "Nothing to the likes of you" I allow my head to flop forward and I wish I had something better to say. Then again I never came here to impress that prat, I came here to kil him and avenge myself.
There is a moment of complete silence before I hear Redeye state "Kill the fool! Leave the corpse to rot" and with that I raise my head and stare at a creature I never thought I'd see an Alicorn but she is clearly starting her spell. Is that what they did to my beloved before she met her fate. All this time I wondered what the goddess did with those unicorns send to her. Those eyes, please no! Those eyes there's no mistake!
The Alicorn's spell leaves the tip of her horn, please don't let this final thought of madness be right. Don't let her gentle spirit be the one doing this vile action.
A few mere moments before the spell strikes I murmur "Aquabell, I love you"
good, but a little rush. could use some more detail in a few place like the arena, and red eye's speech was a little too short.
So if death is chapter 1, what is chapter 2? Is it just going to be more people who are bad at taking out Red Eye? As far as villains go, Red Eye makes for a weird target. He is actually good intentioned, so if you kill him, who ever takes his place is probably going to be worse. That is what makes him frustrating.
It is hard to care for a character we only get to see so very little of, even as a tragedy it is hard to feel how painful a moment is without seeing how high they reached up before things came crashing down. We don't have the emotional attachment to the characters yet, and we kinda know that they are going to get offed anyway. This story can be interesting, but it is also really hard to pull off. It falls into a stereotype of execution scenes we have seen before. It needs something to spice it up.
6157928 With Redeye the problem is I didn't think he'd waste time on somepony he viewed as lesser than him. Thanks for the feedback.
6158041 One of my favorite books is called Private Peaceful and with it starts the story at the end with the main character reflecting on the destiny that morning will bring. Michael Morepheo is one of my favorite authors and I probably just spelt his name wrong. The point I wanted for the first chapter was to start with the end and then the other chapters can be used to show how this pony came about such a horrible end. Motivation, character description and type of pony were left a mystery on purpose. The project is ambitious but I want to create a character that's open to interpretation. Spicing up will be the beyond difficult because the original Fallout Equestria had characters like Steelhooves and Calamity, Fallout Equestria Project Horizons had Rampage and Blackjack. Villains as well are going to be hard. Your right that this will be a challenge but I want to see if I can do it and I will see it through! Thank you for the feedback, it was a very useful piece of feedback.
6158095 Going with something that begins with the ending is going to be difficult to pull off with a serialization. In a book, the writer has had time to flesh out the characters story, and by the time you are reading that first chapter that begins with the ending, the writer has a well developed idea of what is iconic to the character and their journey.
While I agree that Steelhooves and Calamity are great characters, you can't go into story writing while setting a ceiling for yourself. You are going to have to create the best damn characters you can imagine, so don't worry about Steelhooves or Blackjack, do your own thing. Make characters that excite you and move you. Make characters that ask the right questions, think in interesting ways, surprise the audience, and prove themselves as profound members of your team. Make them have struggles and biases and personalities that cause for interesting conflicts. Make them symbols of things you want to show the audience. Give them hobbies and fears. Make them interesting, but don't tell yourself "Oh, they couldn't live up to Steelhooves or Rampage or any of them."
6160635 Thank you. Your right, Steelhooves, Calamity and Blackjack were just examples. I'm aware of difficulty of creating good OC Characters. I think with my main character, it would be easier to base it on a real person and imagine how'd they respond to a situation. In the end I always give 110% in my writing and I'm not setting myself targets as they would annoy me. I want to tell a story of adventurous characters and attempt to blow away my own expectations. Thank you for your amazing feedback. All I can say now is read the next chapter, I'll hope I can write a character as good as possible and hopefully more than one.