• Member Since 27th Mar, 2012
  • offline last seen July 3rd

Ahikam


Comments ( 214 )

There is not much to say. A couple grammar mistakes, but I don't think those matter too much.
Well, if your having a nice time writing keep writing. I liked the story so far and will be back for future chapters.

Good Luck

I fucking loved this, clearly those who disliked it never read it.

632018
I might not say that Xavier, however I do wish that those who felt they had to dislike my word would at least take the time to tell me why, however, I do appreciate your vote, I'm looking forwards to getting more written in the near future!

hmm this is good story and well written but stil

Twilight found Twilight making her way
What?

probably a small miss but you should fix it to make it perfect.

632177 it was intended to be a play on words, it was twilight when Twilight left, like 'the morning sun found Dawn leaving her house' >_> but i guess i could go back in and clarify

ah lol okay that explains it

i forgot to re-add itallics, center the stars, and indent and format this! silly me, should look better now!

Any chance that we can find out why Shining Armor died? I will have to admit I actually felt depressed when Twilight said “goodbye Big brother best friend… Forever.” :raritycry:

632930 I put some thought into it at the time, but i simply wasn't sure what would be a befitting death for him, and the amount of effort needed to add that, it simply didn't contribute to the story, its not how he died that mattered, its what comes next. You can rest assured that he died in some valiant manner properly befitting a Knight Captain of Equestria. Perhaps i will tie it into the story later, I've got a vauge idea forming in my head, now that i started putting some extra thought into it, but we'll see.

did i mention this story is what I've been looking for when I'm in a grimdark or just dark mood ill just say this DON'T YOU BUCKING DARE GET SCARED AND RUSH THIS HALF WAY THROUGH I'M SICK OF PEOPLE DOING THAT ITS A GOOD STORY SO DON'T!:twilightangry2:
:twilightoops:
:twilightsheepish:
:twilightblush:

(oh and completely unrelated but is twi going to pull something badass? if she is then i can add this to my group but I'm just using that as a excuse to have you have twilight rip somepony apart:scootangel:)

633639 lol! i'm not planning on rushing or backing out on my design, however... i'm not exactly planning any badassery here, shes a capable pony, but shes just... swallowed up by the path she is on, i'll let my story tell the rest as i write it.

633868fine granted i guess i can abuse admin and get this in there just to tick off some of my members:trollestia:(all three of them:rainbowlaugh: i love not careing:twilightsmile:)

633910 *snickers* well, i keep thinking about reader suggestions too much, and i did figure out a place where Twilight could have a few moments of 'badassery' to contribute, but we'll see. I guess this wouldn't be a good Twilight story without a bit more magic

Why didn't Twilight just made her own home-brew meth? ;) Looking forward to Celestias reaction to Twilights addiction.

"However, that said, i refuse to neuter my stories to not contain any sex in it at all, especially when it is such a part of the plot. This was psuedo rape, i am intending real rape, and worse in the coming chapters. Life is not pretty, some times that darkness gets the better of us."

I applaud this attitude. Real life is not pretty, and being afraid to let that show in something like this wouldn't sit right...

Good chapter would be an understatement. I love grimdark.

636711
I've already gotten requests to not whimp out on this work, and i would like to please what few fans i got.

636727

Thanks! I always love to hear somepony enjoys my work. I'm not sure i'll have another chapter out tomorrow, but i should by friday.

I also do enjoy the little suggestions people give, I'm not sure i was planning on expanding too far on the reaction of the princesses, but i'll let my mind play with that idea, and see what i come up with.

I think the worst part of my process is that i don't use outlines of anything except beyond whats in my head, its tough keeping all these ideas floating around in there!

Man, I can feel it in my bones, how dark this is gonna get... yet I can't help but keep reading... I feel that Twiliy is gonna end up going off the deep end near the end just because it would be in her nature to do something all the way, especially how you have her portrayed with the horrible nightmares. Either way, I oddly look forward to the next chapter. :applejackunsure: I know I like this, yet I know I shouldn't..... I'm going to hell aren't I?

639118
*grins* there's nothing wrong with liking this! and i don't think you are going to hell. You'll just have to wait and see how things play though... i've got a big important final exam today, else i'd have my nose in writing right now... sigh

take as much time as u want. this is good :twilightsmile:

umm damn this is getting umm how do i say this screw it its past the point of good grim dark to just FUCKED UP
i think ill try to finish this as a challenge but damn

641794 but you told me not to rush it! i thought you'd like this level of grim dark? I will agree, i am messed up in the head to write something like this. I'll tell you a secret, i'm very very much like Pinkie Pie, i like making people laugh, but just like her, i have a dark and twisted side, something cruel, dark, and unnatural. I don't express it very often, but i am letting it out in full force with this fic, and it feels wonderful to write something like this.

641859yes your not rushing it but your also going into "im a author who makes cupcakes and rainbow factory combined look like a walk in the park" mode. granted ill be honest where you got me to say the heck was the pregnancy before that it wasn't permanent but now:fluttershyouch::fluttershbad::raritycry::raritydespair::applecry::fluttercry::pinkiegasp::rainbowderp::rainbowhuh::twilightangry2: that's how i reacted when i read that

Getting a bit too past the threshold, I'll agree. Also, you might want to work on capitalizing your sentences... that's a bit off in places.

You see, no matter where in the paragraph the character starts speaking, you need to capitalize the first letter of the first word he/se says. You also need to start a new line when someone new is speaking in order to limit confusion as to who is talking.

"Like this." The reader said right before taking a bludgeon to the back of the head.

"Shut the hell up! No one cares about what you have to say..." The random homeless person said. He then proceeded to jump out the window with all the readers money, landing on his Rainbow Dash and flying off with a trail of rainbows following close behind.

641926 really I did that? damnit I worked REALLY hard to try and control when i was doing that, I'm going to have to go back and re-check the entire thing again, just to make sure I have everything done right. I know the rules for it >_> really, I swear I do!

641880 I've heard about those fics, I've heard they are pretty bad, but I didn't think this was ending up quite that far. I promise a FULLY happy ending, as best as I can make it! but we have one more chapter to go before Twilight truly hits rock bottom.

As for the pregnancy, its part of the storyline i wanted to write, I added in a paragraph at the beginning of the last section describing the lengthy passage of time, in most chapters, i set the whole chapter at the same point from the beginning, but I ended up splitting this one up. I could make rearrangements to the structure, or put a chapter break there, and make it a chapter 4 part 2... it would just create a very short section. Consider that the better part of a year has passed since the first half of the chapter, and the last part, while only a day or so passed between the end of the last chapter, and the beginning of this.

edit: There, i added a short comment and put another section break to the time transition paragraph. I think its been roughly 2 years since the death of Shining Armor

Edit 2: Alright so I totally screwed up the capitalization for this chapter, I totally blame the parasitology exam I had earlier today. Could you point out where I had 2 different people talking in the same paragraph though? I totally missed that.

642038 You did it quite a bit in the past two chapters... just figure I should let you know in case you didn't realize it. Just take it a bit slower... did you write this all out in one day? I applaud you if you did, but just check/double check for these things just in case. A spell checker or something might help.

642070 Yes, each chapter I've done in a day a piece, I guess I need to go back and check them over again. I do use a spell checker, it just apparently doesn't fix them all for me. Oh well, if that is the WORST problem with my writing, I think I'm doing pretty darn good. I do get rather obsessive when I get into a project like this, and I likely won't quit writing until I've got the final chapter written out and posted. On the seventh day I will sleep. >_>

642129 Sounds good to me.

Just watch out for Zerglings. And Changelings.

*cough* Sorry, hive-mind interrupted for a second there. Anyway, have fun with that... :pinkiesmile:

granted if i ever know someone thinking about doing drugs ill just make them read this:pinkiesick:

642472 Just go listen to the Heroin Diaries by Nikki Sixx, that was the inspiration for this piece. I don't own much music, but something caught my attention about the music some years ago, so I've got the CD in my truck, and I listen to it some times. While you'll find some references from the show throughout the story, you'll also find some references from the music CD. One of the songs was named the Girl with Golden Eyes, i took my inspiration for Hot Shot from that.

NOOO TWILIGHT! :raritycry::raritydespair:

Poor Fluttershy! :fluttercry:

I need moar please! :twilightoops:

644926 :O i'm not that bad am i?! :rainbowderp:

oh thats fucking dark.
i love it :pinkiecrazy: keep going, cant wait for next chapter

645016 thanks! I keep worrying its too dark... but not today! you only get one chapter a day! Thats better than a lot of writers I follow, i'm lucky to get a new chapter a week! :applecry:

:raritycry: Very sad story. But I am glad that I am reading it. Is that wrong?

So dark I cant see my carapace...

*shrug* You definitely have me wondering what will happen to the poor two though.

meh needs to be about 20% more badass

645487 Awwr... oh well, thats about the best I had in mind for her. For a fairly messed up pony in chains, i thought that was pretty good.

645494 fairly is a understatement i think she would be better in iraq than there jeese

If I was Twilight I would have just banged my head into the wall repeatedly until I went brain dead.

645719 and what, leave her daughter all alone? Twilight had something to live for, even if the rest of her life was hell. Had Twilight not ended up in the clutches of Dozer, Dawn would have been Twilight's salvation.

Cliches.... yeah, thats quite a few. Still, they arent unbelieveable, which is what is important.

.All the delicious love going around...

*coughs* Anyway... continue :3

i thought we had to wait till monday :pinkiegasp: you tease
very good again, this is probably my fav... fav :rainbowlaugh:

649306 I've tried doing my best to set the stage for as many of them as I could. I know i haven't gone into a lot of the friendbuilding detail between Shadow and Twilight Sparkle, but i just didn't feel it added to the core of the story. The important part was what they DID with that friendship, not how it began or grew.

649356 Maybe you could write a side story about the relationship between Twilight and Shadow.

I am liking.... Loving the story so far. Very well written and I can't wait for the next chapter (seriously). Keep up the good work.

Wish there was a way to double favorite this...:twilightsheepish:

649663 Thanks a lot! And now there's an idea, i hadn't considered that, a side story, slice of life stuff filling in the gaps, I could maybe do that, if I knew what fit in there >_> I will have to give it some thought

You could always tell your friends about the story, I kind of have an addiction to upvotes and answering comments, I guess its just the selfish part of me that wants to know my work is appreciated. And it is! so I'm happy! Its just not appreciated by enough people...

I am going to be a bit sad when this story is finished, I have put way too much effort and energy into it.

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