Apples Down His Pants

by Donraj

Chapter 1

“Ah swear, this is the last time, Ah repeat the last time, Ah wager against Rarity on anything,” Applejack grumbled as she watched her long time friend and current tormentor trade compliments and witticisms with a gaggle of fancy Canterlot muckity-mucks who as near as Applejack could tell were very important members of high society owing to their reputations for being very important members of high society.

Needless to say, Applejack was not enjoying herself.

"I say," said a cultured voice. Applejack recognized but danged if she could remember where from. "I don't believe we were properly introduced before."

Applejack turned to see a white coated unicorn stallion in a stylish black coat levitating a pair of cocktail glasses between them. He smiled and for some reason it put Applejack at ease instead setting her teeth on edge like the other ponies she had exchanged pleasantries with that evening.

"Let me remedy that by making our third encounter the charm," he continued as he offered her his hoof. "My name is Fancy Pants."

Applejack bumped his hoof awkwardly with her own. She self-consciously used much less force than she normally would. "Thank ya kindly," she said. "Ah'm Applejack and it's a pleasure to make your acquaintance."

Fancy Pants' smile widened and suddenly felt a bit more genuine. "I'd say the pleasure is all mine, but I wouldn't want to deny you the first bright spot of the evening," he said wryly.

Applejack barked out a laugh before she realized what she was doing. "You've got that right!" She said with a grin to match his. "Ah reckon it's an old hat to Rarity, but Ah've been feeling more confused than a fruit bat in a wax museum at this here shindig. Still can't believe I let Rarity rope me into it. Ah've seen snail races that were more exciting."

"I know the feeling," Fancy Pants said ruefully. He nodded his head at something behind her. "Speaking of which: mention Discord and he does appear."

Applejack turned to see Rarity finish extracting herself from a clinging cloud of socialites. Her eyes widened slightly as they swept over Applejack and her companion.

"Why Fancy Pants!" she said with the barest hint of nervousness in her voice. "I see you've found my plus one."

"Just so," Fancy Pants confirmed. "I really must commend you on your taste in company. I knew you had an eye for fashion but it seems you're just as good at picking ponies to wear it."

Applejack felt her cheeks flush while Rarity tittered. "I simply couldn't answer you invitation with anything less than the best," Rarity replied. "You always hold the most delightful soirees."

Applejack felt her stomach sink at that. "Heh," she stammered. "This here's your party, Fancy?"

Rarity froze as she put two and two together and got 'farm pony unsupervised at a fancy party,' but Fancy Pants simply chuckled. "Indeed it is. I'm sure you know better than I how Rarity exaggerates when she praises somepony," he said with a wink.

"Sure do!" Applejack said with a laugh. "You oughta see how Spike blushes n' stammers when she thanks him for doin' chores round the Boutique."

Applejack affected a surprisingly accurate parody of a high class Manehattenite accent as she said the last word. Rarity blushed as red as Spike ever had, but Fancy Pants let out a surprisingly authentic belly laugh.

Once the laughter died down Fancy Pants casually asked, "Who is Spike?"

Rarity stopped glamour at Applejack and gave Fancy Pants a winning smile. "Spikey-Wikey is a baby dragon and a dear friend with a secret crush on me that everypony in Ponyville knows about. It really is just the cutest little thing."

"Eyup," Applejack agreed. "Fluttershy coos over it more than a bushel of baby bunnies."

"Ah yes, your model friend? " Fancy Pants asked as he placed the name.

A flash of something that went deeper than discomfort passed over Rarity's face. "Only briefly, and not for a long time."

"Oh?" Fancy Pants inquired, all polite interest. "You still see her face around Canterlot and Manehatten."

Rarity's mouth twisted like she had tasted something bitter. "Yes, some of the licensing contracts for her image were distressingly long term."

"Consairnit Rarity, you can't keep blaming yerself for that," Applejack interjected.

"I can and I shall!" Rarity shot back tartly. Their eyes locked and suddenly the air was very tense.

Fancy Pants cleared his throat. "So Rarity, I have been giving thought to paying a visit to Ponyville sometime soon."

Rarity blinked. "What?" She looked confused for a moment, then said, "Oh, to see the castle?"

Fancy Pants chuckled. "Only as an incidental. I would like to become better acquainted with these friends of yours." He nodded to Applejack. "And tonight has more than confirmed that I should," he said with a wink."

Applejack snorted. "As long as you don't go all crazy like the last bigshot pony to swing by for a visit."

"Applejack!" Rarity gasped, scandalized. Fancy Pants just looked quizzical.

"Oh?" he asked.

"Eyup," Applejack said. "Crazy colt name of Trendy Hoof decided he really, REALLY loved farm ponies and that he wanted to show it by sticking that there horn of his right into my—”

"Oh my, look at the time!" Rarity said. She grabbed Applejack's ear in a telekinetic grip and began dragging her away. "We really must be going. Ta ta, Fancy Pants! A pleasure as always."

"Oww! Dang it Rarity, Ah—hey!"

Applejack grabbed and missed as her Stetson was levitated up off her head and after the rapidly retreating Rarity. Applejack followed, countrying up a storm as she did. Fancy Pants watched them go, his expression thoughtful.

Author's Note:

This chapter is brought to you by Patreon and the wise and generous SFaccountant