Welcome
Chapter Two: Welcome
After about two hours of flying, an exceptional in flight meal was served for Cloud Dreamer and his guests. “No expense spared!” He had noted with satisfaction as the food was served by immaculately dressed stewards. Bon Bon certainly could believe that as they ate and enjoyed polite conversation before Cloud Dreamer excused himself and retired to his private sleeping berth. Flim also shortly excused himself as the scientists delved into shop talk amongst themselves. Doctor MacIntosh watched the three mares in amusement until finally everypony drifted off to sleep. Now several hours later, Bon Bon nudged the still dozing Lyra.
“Lyra! Look out the window! I think we’re almost there!”
“Wherever ‘there’ is,” Big Mac remarked as Lyra blinked awake and looked out the window next to her. Indeed she could feel the ship gradually descend over a lush tropical island and into a verdant valley.
“Ah! Good!” Cloud Dreamer’s upbeat voice cut in as he and Flim emerged from the aft section of the passenger deck. “You’re all awake!” He grinned. “You’ll want to strap in ladies.” Cloud Dreamer helped Fluttershy with her harness. “This part of the ride can get just a bit interesting!” He looked to Big Mac as he double checked Fluttershy’s harness. “I suppose you should as well Doctor MacIntosh.” He took his own seat.
Big Mac looked dismally at the harness frame which clearly had not been designed with a pony of his size in mind. He shrugged after studying it for a moment and simply crossed the two ends over his chest and tied them into a knot. That was just at the right time, for the airship sharply dropped as if it had been sitting on a table and was suddenly shoved off. Lyra turned noticeably more pale as butterflies rose in her belly and her last meal made threat to exit from whence it had entered.
Fluttershy let off a nervous smile as the craft shuddered. “Whoo hoo!” her soft voice chimed with exhilaration. Finally the ship settled down into a much more gentle descent. Big Mac looked distinctly ill.
“That should be it for the bumps!” Cloud Dreamer announced as the craft headed into her moorings. Big Mac heaved a sigh of relief just as the airship came to a stop with one last thud. He then shot Cloud Dreamer a look, which by all rights should have felled the unicorn on the spot, but instead, earned a look of mischief and amusement. “Oh! Sorry! Forgot about that one!” Big Mac arched an eyebrow at him as Cloud Dreamer released the catch on his harness and opened the hatch, waiting for his guests to follow. Big Mac brought up the end of the party pausing only to give one last glare at Cloud Dreamer before exiting.
They were ushered into waiting carriages down a gently winding path. Fluttershy in particular was fascinated by the selections of exotic foliage. One particular plant she was certain was an extinct specimen of the Erythroxylaceae family. She found it most puzzling as the carriages came to a stop. As Fluttershy excitedly showed the specimen she had plucked loose to Bon Bon, Lyra stood up and stared.
“Bon Bon?” Lyra asked.
“Hmmm?”
“Bon Bon?”
“Yes?”
Lyra poked her in the shoulder. “Bon Bon! Look!”
Bon Bon turned her head and thus joined Lyra in an impossible sight. Humans! Scores of humans! Milling about contentedly. One approached showing no concern or fear of their presence.
“Welcome to Canada, eh? We don’t have a Tim Horton’s yet but I’m sure we can find a good pilsner for you!”
Lyra grinned. “Bon Bon! Look at them! This changes everything! These aren’t cold blooded slow creatures! They’re warm blooded! I can’t believe it! This is amazing!”
Big Mac shook his head. “The crazy old buck really done it.”
Cloud Dreamer grinned as he trotted over to Lyra. “This… It’s all real?” Lyra asked in awestruck whisper.
“Oh yes!”
“How?”
“I’ll show you.”
A thirty minute drive led from ‘Canada’ to the Visitor’s Center where Cloud Dreamer enthusiastically led the way through the main entrance, greeting the worker ponies as they hurriedly put the finishing touches on the building. In the center of the hall was what Lyra could only describe as a rocket; although it was much larger than any she had ever seen. Overhead, a banner with the words ‘When Humans Ruled the World’ hung above it all. “It’s the most advanced amusement park in the world! We've incorporated all the latest technologies! I’m not just talking about rides! Everypony has rides! Colter Island has rides! What I mean are actual living biological attractions so astounding! So amazing that they’ll capture the fascination of the entire world!” He proclaimed as they proceeded up a flight of stairs that curved around the huge rocket.
“So what do you think Lyra?”
“That I’m out of a job?”
“Extinct is more like it.” Big Mac quipped as he followed behind them. Lyra shot him a look, which he answered with a shrug.
Cloud Dancer chuckled as he led the way to the auditorium. “You know, I’ve had this dream for a very long time! For decades, I’ve dreamed of building this park! The only question was ‘how’. I searched very hard for the answer. At one point, a scientist in my employment came to me with a piece of amber! And there was a mosquito trapped inside. So he told me that we could extract the blood siphoned by the mosquito and then we would have DNA we could clone from!” He shook his head. “Naturally, I thanked him for his enthusiasm, but even supposing we found mosquitos preserved and even supposing they had blood which we could extract, I had to ask him just how we would be sure it was human blood? Imagine if I had poured millions of bits into that and we had ended up cloning a two foot long primitive parasprite! No my friends! We had much further to look than that I assure you!” He ushered them into their seats. “And now, I’m going to show you!” He nodded to the projectionist in the back to start the film. “This is still in early production, but, well, just watch!” On screen a very familiar looking unicorn walked to a dias and looked out at the audience.
“Hello!”
“Do say hello!” Cloud Dreamer encouraged his guests.
“Oh, hello!” Fluttershy greeted amicably.
“Hello! Oh hello, Cloud!”
“Oh! My lines! That’s right!”
“Well fine, fine! But how did I get here?”
“Well I’ll show you! Just hold out your hoof…” Cloud Dreamer made as if to prick his celluloid doppelganger.
“Ouch!” The pony on screen jerked his hoof back. “That hurt!”
“I’m sorry about that; but you see, I needed a little of your DNA. That’s key to the miracle of cloning!”
Lyra and her companions watched as new copies of Cloud Dreamer now stepped out from behind the first and their host in real time sat down.
“But where would you get the DNA?” Lyra wondered aloud.
Bon Bon hushed her as on screen, a cartoonish character spiraled into existence above the pricked hoof.
“Mister DNA! Where did you come from?”
“From your blood! A single drop of blood contains billions of strands of DNA! The building blocks of life! A strand of DNA is a blueprint for building a living thing! Like a human for example- humans may have gone extinct long ago, but luckily for us, they left their blueprints behind! We just had to know where to look!”
On screen was animation of two hard hatted ponies digging their way down to a fossilized human.
“Finding fossilized human remains is just the start! For many years it was believed that when an animal became a fossil, all the soft tissue and the DNA inside was lost! But recently, we've discovered that in some cases, some of that tissue still remains! Humanic Park scientists extract this soft tissue and that’s where the magic really begins! A complete DNA strand contains billions of genetic codes and all that has to be intact if we want to clone a human. We could fill in the missing gaps of the DNA using the DNA of a species alive today — frogs perhaps! But then we’d end up with a mixed up brew of DNA that didn’t really know what it was!
“What we do instead, is employ the top scientists in the world! They use magic to double check the DNA and painstakingly piece it back together until we complete the code! And now we’re ready to make a human baby!”
Cloud Dreamer gestured to the screen. “Eventually, we’ll have some dramatic music scored to accompany all this.” A restraining frame flipped up. “And then the tour moves on!” The entire seating platform advanced along a track to its next stop looking through a one way mirror where a group of ponies in lab coats were busy working tending several human babies.
“Amazing!” Flim remarked. “Are these characters auto… auto-motive?”
“Oh no! There are no animatronics here! Those ponies are the real miracle workers!”
“But how do you even start and gestate the embryo?” Lyra demanded to know.
“Can we see the little ones?” Fluttershy inquired.
“How do you get out of this thing?” Bon Bon asked.
“Later, I promise!” He looked at Bon Bon. “You really can’t get out,” Cloud Dreamer protested. “It’s sort of a ride.”
Big Mac snorted, braced his huge forelegs against the restraining gate and pushed it back down, which forced the ride to stop and allowed the guests to stage a mutiny and escape their seats.
“Can they do that?” Flim asked incredulously as Cloud Dancer shrugged and followed his wayward guests into the nursery. Overhead, a speaker reminded every pony when the boat for the mainland would be leaving. Lyra inspected a humming piece of machinery that suddenly beeped for attention.
She jumped back as a pink unicorn with a purplish mane grinned and opened a small door. “Ah! My lunch is ready!”
“Ah, Starlight!” Cloud Dreamer addressed her in a proud, nearly paternal tone. “I’d like you to meet our guests! Doctor Lyra Heartstrings, Miss Bon Bon, Doctor Fluttershy and Doctor MacIntosh.’
“It’s a pleasure!” Starlight greeted. Fluttershy nodded pleasantly in reply before resuming cooing over one of the tiny human foals.
“Starlight Glimmer is the head of our applied magic department! She was second in her class at Princess Celestia’s school for gifted unicorns!” Cloud Dreamer praised.
“What happened to number one?” Big Mac asked, earning a glower from Starlight.
“Sunset Shimmer! Princess Celestia’s prized pupil! Aka ‘The Chosen One’!” She snorted. “That arrogant, holier than thou art bitch from a Diamond Dog’s den!” Starlight Glimmer shook her head in partial apology. “I’m sorry. Every time I think of her, I go a little crazy. Like I just want to go read Camel Marx and be done with this stratified society of ours! Not your fault. Anyway, she vanished. Princess Celestia replaced her with a purple plushie, I think.”
Big Mac backed up slightly. “No offending intended ma’am.”
The smile flashed back onto Starlight’s expression. “Oh, don’t worry! No harm done!” She turned to Cloud Dreamer. “I was just about to call you! The latest batch just came in from Site B.”
“Wonderful! I always like to be here when they arrive.”
“Site B?” Lyra asked.
“Oh! That’s not important right now!” Cloud Dreamer waved a hoof dismissively. “What is important, is that I insist on seeing each new arrival as soon as possible! I want them to recognize me — feel safe and comfortable around me.”
“Except the ones born in the wild,” Bon Bon noted.
“Oh they can’t breed,
“You sure ‘bout that?” Big Mac asked.
“Population control is essential, therefore, we only breed males.
“But all life starts as female!” Lyra objected.
“Yes, however,a population of female Rednecks would be a bit uninteresting, so we’ve engineered them to be male. Heavy testosterone supplements in their diet helps.”
Lyra looked at the tiny baby snuggling in Fluttershy’s forehooves as the implications sank in. “You bred Rednecks? And without females? Are you insane?”
“I think we already know the answer to that.” Big Mac quipped. “Trouble is that’s just the half of it. Life is simply too unpredictable and surer than kudzu, it gets loose no matter what you do to keep it contained!”
“Are you suggesting that a population of males is going to reproduce?” Starlight Glimmer asked doubtfully.
“Nope. Just sayin’ that life don’t ever sit still. It always pushes and the inexplicable is the rule not the exception! You think you’ve thought of everything and you have until you find out you haven’t. But then it’s just too late!” Big Mac shrugged. “And that’s that.”
“And that’s that.” Cloud Dreamer answered not wanting to belabor the matter yet again. “Well then! More tour later! The chef has laid out a very nice lunch for us all If you’ll follow me?”
They followed Cloud Dreamer past the Redneck pit: a heavily built enclosure with electrified wire and concrete walls several feet thick. Overhead, a crane was lowering a steer into the enclosure. Said steer belonging to a feral and non-sentient variety.
“What are they doing?” Lyra asked.
“Feeding them I think.” Cloud Dreamer answered. “Anyway, I hear that Honey Glaze has managed to procure some exotic near eastern oats for us!”
Lyra watched in fascination as the steer was lowered and the under brush rustled. A couple of minutes of screaming and it was all over. Bon Bon was visibly shaken.
“If I had my way, they would all be destroyed,” a scowling pegasus with a yellow coat and orange mane said with conviction as she came up to meet them.
“Ah! This is Spitfire,” Cloud Dreamer introduced. “My game warden! She’s an alarmist, I’m afraid, but she knows Rednecks better than anyone.”
“Manticores, Hydras, I’ve hunted most things that can hunt you, but nothing comes close to the viciousness of these things.”
“That’s why we’re taking extreme precautions,” Cloud Dreamer replied.
“What about intelligence?” Lyra asked.
“Dumb-ass stupid,” Spitfire answered. “One of the things that make them so dangerous. Especially, the big one. We had eight originally and then he taught the others how to make a crude firecracker. Blew up five of the others before we could get in to stop it! Most predators, if you can give them a scare, remember and cut you a wide berth. They’re cautious. Not like these things. We have to feed them like this because before that they kept charging the electric fences when the feeders would come. Always in the same places. The fence would stun them but they never made the connection between the fence and the pain. They just kept coming.” Behind them the crane lifted up the torn cradle from which hung a single leg — all that remained of the Rednecks’ meal.
Cloud Dreamer seemed to take this all in stride. “Yes well! Who's hungry?”
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You know...this version of the Park works better than the Dino one...still gunna fail utterly, but WAY more entertaining to watch...still...Rednecks...WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE REDNECKS!?!?!?!
6142581 Man creates ponies, ponies create bronies, bronies corrupt ponies, ponies domesticate man...and Hasbro inherits the earth?
Hey, I wasn't that far off,
Also:
BEST LINE,
6174320 Whoa. Slow the flow of ergo bro.
More likely they dared each other to do it again on purpose.
6174379
Wouldn't be at all surprised.
6174336 Murphy's Law, addendum 1-1.38, clearly states, and I quote, "NEVER ask 'what could possibly go wrong?', because then it will." Also, and not criticizing you here, that third photo link was from JP3, which was a train wreck in every sense of the phrase. Possibly a better choice would have been this.
Someone with art skills needs to make a picture of Lyra doing this with a bunch of humans.
cdn2-www.superherohype.com/assets/uploads/gallery/jurassic-world-super-bowl-screenshots/jurassic-world-super-bowl-13.jpg
6174320 Bronies will find a way.
waywardtees.com/images/cpgal/01/pdfst.jpg
Well, I'm still not sure in how far this concept will hold up over the course of the story, but so far I'm loving this.
6174315 It's always fucking rednecks.
Notice the apostrophe in the "it's", because without that, it goes from there is always rednecks to putting your dick in rednecks, and that is just plain nasty.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
What about Kenyans? The fastest of the humans. Or Australians, the tough, crazy and incredibly resilient humans.
Or Russian humans, they stay in cold areas and only eat potatoes and whatever they can make with potatoes. Like Vodka.
Also, what type of flying humans could there be? Or perhaps I'm over thinking this and I should just enjoy this amazing story!
I see that Big Mac has figured out how to get off Mr Bones' Wild Ride.
"Hey!
"
6174514 I'll do my best.
6177603
It's not like Starlight Glimmer is a bitter pony who holds grudges and resentments now is it?
Speaking as a Canadian, that line made me.... gut myself laughing. XD
Just don't underestimate Canadians; we're so tough we live in igloos and wrestle moose and bears for sport.
On a more serious note; I actually didn't like this chapter as much as the last. Granted, the whole story overall is a silly random little spoof, but it felt like this chapter was done rushed and with only half a care. In particular, the scenes with the Canadians and Mr. DNA were very lacking for description, and the way you did the former really seemed like a waste in comparison to its real counterpart. For anyone who hasn't seen JP to fill in the gaps, those two scenes would be a bit confusing as to what exactly is going on. I also have to worry somewhat if you haven't lost some of the technical details and backstory to whats going on, even if they're only there in your mind or implied. That might just be because I've been reading the books recently, which go into considerably more detail in those areas than the movies do, which means I'm more aware of that stuff.
But hey, as I said, this is a silly, fun little spoof fic and it isn't really meant to be taken to seriously. Just be careful with it nonetheless.
6179393
I take all my readers opinions very seriously. It's a compromise between a story that can stay fun and light on its feet without completely ignoring the rather deeper and darker tones. And yes. A few places I had to take very deliberate swipes at the science portrayed in the movie. At the same time I write as the story pulls me and I really hope that you will feel happier with the next chapter. If things seem rushed, it may be because in this chapter, much of the original material no longer fit even passably. But I will try to do better.
6177532 Pilots? Air Force?
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!
Heh. Nice work addressing some of the dodgy science in the original. Of course, magic is big help, and not just the molecular biomancy. I wonder if cockatrices can be trained to defossilize soft tissue?
Still,
naturestupidity will find a way. The only question is how.Now waiting for the inevitable "
Clever GirlStupid Boy" in a future chapter6193079 To be fair, the original was filmed long before modern genetics techniques were available. Heck, even the now-standard PCR reaction was a recent breakthrough back then.
The notion that we'd be able to have high-throughput DNA sequencing and analysis in the relatively recent future was as much sci-fi back then as cloning dinosaurs.
6184078 All da ponies get molesternated.
6177532 And what about the angsty humans who turn into sparkly vampires?
Oh wait... I forgot they want to create ones that can survive.
6174320 give this one a cookie -cleaver girl
Well we know who's going to save them in the end from redneck raptors a CHUCK NORIS [youtube=https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=pcxthg885ZY]
Hopefully they'll never breed... New Englanders. *Insert scare chord* :p
6378453 Or worse... SURF BUMS!!