• Member Since 20th Jun, 2015
  • offline last seen Nov 27th, 2017

Angelic Salamander


I joined to help someone write a story, but ended up writing my own. Funny how things work out, right? If you're here, it must have been good.

T

Octavia, a cellist more interested in high society and class than friendship, and Vinyl Scratch, a socially handicapped pony with anxiety issues, must have seriously pissed some gods off in their past lives. They exist to have lives of bipolarity, living through a constant series of ups and downs. They keep each other going. That is, until the forces that be take it a little too far. Would either of them ever be able to cope without the other? They say having loved and lost is better than never having loved at all, but is that really true?



Narrated omnisciently, but with a focus on Vinyl Scratch, as she is who the story is technically about. Both characters have equal screen time, I'd say.

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 7 )

Was good first chapter, liked it :twilightsmile:
Try adding it to groups, deserves some more attention.

Bow inhand, she lowered her arm and began to swing, side to side.

Hoof :scootangel:

Anyway you got my attention, nice work

6132540 Oops, my first typo of the story. I just realized that you weren't pointing out a typo, that I typed "inhand", you were pointing out that I didn't say In HOOF. I am still getting used to writing pony, it's a switch from pokemon XD

I knocked basically everything past the 5k word mark out in a 4 hour stint at a different keyboard in a very dark room, blasting music and some other things, so there is probably a lot more that could have been done.

I feel like there is more to say, but I'll probably just get to that in the second chapter.


To anyone interested, I will probably be doing 3-5k chapters from here on out. 3k more than 5k, because if I write too much I get all petered out and lose interest for a while. I also can't have my mind made up about the ending until the ending comes, otherwise I just feel like I'm going through motions.

6132686
Yeh it sure takes a bit to get used to that ponified English. Its like using arm instead of foreleg (which is a VERY common thing here on the site) but ah before you know it you start writing pony in emails to work and in messages to friends ect (I know I did :twilightoops:)

Pretty darn... interesting I suppose. I mean, all this is going to be, and will be, a slice of life love story. Don't see any visible conflicts yet, so I guess this is just 'exposition'.

And this is just me, but I can never write so fluently with all that vocabulary. I understand like 95% of these words, but it doesn't occur to me to use them. However, I feel like they're a little intrusive. Too much, and prose starts becoming purple.

I guess one thing I could really say is work on 'paragraphing'. For example, here's an excerpt from your story:

“No problem Octavia, I'd like to hang out with you again, if that's cool with you.”

“That's perfect. When do you have a day off work?”

“Actually I have tomorrow through Sunday off. So we could hang out again tomorrow.”

“ “Wow, that must have been hard.”

“I miss her, life is just a little... Different. Without her. I don't want to talk about this Vinyl, let's talk about your life. What do you do for fun?” Vinyl accepted the change of subject with ease.
(filler text to show spacing 1)
(filler text to show spacing 2)
“I write music, like all the time. When I'm not writing it, I'm listening to it.”

“Hmph. You call that stuff music? It's more akin to clanking. Instead of making me feel emotion, it just makes me feel like someone started a meat grinder nearby.”

Generally, you want to indent a new paragraph only at a new scene. It's kinda weird reading like this, because I was expecting a different scene with that extra line. I suppose it's stylistic, but formatting it nicely for web makes it much enjoyable for the readers.

For example,

Vinyl arrived home a little later, taking a trip to her favorite spot along the river again. The moon was waning, and she got a clearer glimpse of her face. However, this time, no stray tear rolled down her face.
“Hey, river. I made a new friend today. I know you can't hear me, but thank you for supporting me. You've been the only thing that never gave up on me, never gave up in my presence. Thank you, old gal.” She somnolently walked back to her residence. For the first time she could remember, the sorry state of the domicile she rented a single room of was a welcome sight, and she dreamt lightly and happily.

Could be easily changed to:

Vinyl arrived home a little later, taking a trip to her favorite spot along the river again. The moon was waning, and she got a clearer glimpse of her face. However, this time, no stray tear rolled down her face.

“Hey, river. I made a new friend today. I know you can't hear me, but thank you for supporting me. You've been the only thing that never gave up on me, never gave up in my presence. Thank you, old gal.” She somnolently walked back to her residence. For the first time she could remember, the sorry state of the domicile she rented a single room of was a welcome sight, and she dreamt lightly and happily.

6135887 I actually write everything without ever double spacing. The only time i press enter is to make a dialogue. That's my writing style. Sadly, it got rejected twice so I had to do this weird formatting thing just to get this chapter published. I'll try to format it better in the future, but writing is my forte, not formatting.

I see what you mean. It's a big step up from fanfiction.net, this site. Not that my stories got views there, that's why I'm here :D

Great story keep it up

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