• Member Since 22nd Sep, 2013
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

Hopeful Soul


I'm just some 29-year old dude from Canada hoping to become a screenplay writer one day. That's all.

Sequels1

Comments ( 63 )

This was interesting.

Excellent job.

I don't know why I read this crap.

Maybe because it isn't crap.

6135480 So anyways... you liked the story?

6135484 Yeah, sort of an add in but given the circumstances...

“But… is it because they’re proud of us and think we’re hot… or is it for some other dirty reason?” Rainbow pointed out.
“I’m thinking it’s a little bit of both.” Applejack nodded.

That's a neat little bow you got there summing up the entire story.

I'm saying this right now: Either your editor is incredible, or you are--or both. You pitched this concept to me and I wasn't expecting anything anywhere near as developed as what you delivered. I'm glad you included my semi-suggestion and that it was incorporated into a working storyline that wasn't just a throwaway, but a full-on story. I'm shocked I read the entire thing, to be honest; if I'd seen the fact that it was 15k words before I started, I'd have been like "lolno." Admittedly, I'm glad that I read it. It was a good mixture of things going on.

As far as what could be improved... well, your spacing first. It's like a giant wall of text. You just gotta add in an extra space for each new paragraph and it'll be golden. I also felt the lead-in to the sex scene was a little too convenient; Rainbow Dash suggesting it suddenly, out of the blue, was pretty unexpected and abrupt. Rainbow Dash spanking Pinkie Pie also felt somewhat out of character and, while it was a good lead-in by effectively forcing the characters to say, "Fine, we'll actually admit we want to see where this goes," it felt on some level like something I wouldn't see Rainbow Dash doing. Which is fine, if your characters are OOC much of the story--but this one wasn't. If there was lots of OOC, I wouldn't even remark on it. On the subject of OOC, though, Fluttershy had a few moments where I had trouble visualizing her dialogue; it seemed a little contrived, like she had to say it, rather than it being what she would naturally say.

Last complaint here: Sunset Shimmer. She definitely took a back seat to the other characters in this. As far as the erotic scene, you gave her as much depth and attention as the other five characters, but the only time she talked in any of the story development was after everyone else. It felt like she was an accessory for much of the story, only included because all of the friends were required to be there, not because she had something meaningful to contribute to the plot. Focus on bringing out all of your characters equally, not just the ones you're most familiar with interaction for.

As far as specifics on the positives, your story progression was top-notch. You never really spent too much or too little time building a scene; the amount of description was pretty spot-on as you deconstructed their inhibitions and developed the characters throughout the course of the story. Some authors do better writing brief descriptions (like me), others shine when they take time to build and create; I'm fairly certain you're the latter.

As far as the description for the erotic portion, I mostly just grazed over it disinterestedly because I'm not a big fan of erotic stuff, but what I did read was well-described and painted a fairly vivid picture of the goings-on. It fit into the rest of the story as far as progression, description, and tempo, and it wasn't the sole focus; it fit snugly into the story's theme and was well-placed as a story climax (:trollestia:).

Apart from the aforementioned Fluttershy issues, I think everyone else was very well characterized. The pairings you ended up with worked very well in the story context, and I can definitely see Rainbow Dash as a bit of an exhibitionist, the first to suggest giving a show instead of shuffling around in embarrassment. There were a few ambiguities that I could easily forgive and they usually served to make the story more naturally comedic, rather than forced.

Total Scootascore: 9/10. I can only hope your other story suggestion turns out as well as this one. :scootangel:

I kinda like this one. It lasts for 15,000+ words and makes a fun adventure.:pinkiesmile:

Bookshelf!:derpytongue2:

Awesome story!!! :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

Has anyone made fanart or better yet a comic of this?

6649819 No, but I might get cover art for this some time. Wish it was a comic though...

Sunset: am I the only on who thinks this is overkill

That was awesome.

That was perverted and ******* hilarious. :rainbowlaugh:

Can someone get this story some fanart please

I have to wonder how did the wondercolts not feel the hard pulling when they were getting panst?

I LOVE THAT YOUR AN ASS MAN!!! MORE ASS PLEASE!!!:rainbowwild::ajsmug::derpytongue2::yay:

Who's butt is that in the art work?

Nice job! This was a pretty entertaining read. :rainbowlaugh:

Lightning Fust held up in her hand her phone

*Lightning Dust

6135455 I was just just gonna make pictures for MoCH, Hopeful Soul.

7842493 You can if you want

7842502 I already finished Pinkie Pie. I'll also be doing the rest from 1 to 3.

7842514 Ok. Can I see Pinkie?

7842569 About Pinkie, I was gonna send a picture here.... but I can't send image urls that are nsfw.

7842597 you could email or PM them

7842649 I didn't upload the file yet.

7842937 By the way Hopeful Soul, so the Shadowbolts have big butts just like the Rainbooms in the third fanfic? Because it seems they do.

7844752 Hmm, I see. Hey does Sunset Shimmer cut off the legging of her jeans? Cause I doubt that she's gonna pull them up. And also I'm think of writing shorts of my new mini series with Japanese mythology, ninjas and different characters.

Just reread they story and can't help but wonder something: if the girls' parents got them out of jail, how did Sunset get out? She even said her folks are back in Equestria.

I really want to see more fanart based on this story

8923231
I'm still suprise to this day no one even bother doing fanart of this story despite how much popularity it received

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