• Member Since 15th Oct, 2014
  • offline last seen Nov 3rd, 2021

IndiBrony


We're all stories in the end. Just make it a good one, ey?

T
Source

Twilight is called to the Dragon Realm which has been under attack from a mysterious group known only as the 'Heroes'.

Meanwhile, Spike is mistaken for being the Princess of the Realm, making it his job to keep the Realm in order and protect it from further attack.

Chapters (16)
Comments ( 42 )

6121254 I didn't think the dragons would praise Celestia, so I had to come up with something. Ha. :twilightsheepish:

:raritystarry: Spikey a Princess ?

:moustache: You always wanted to get hitched to Royalty . . .

:facehoof: Spike you little :duck: hooligan . . .YES!

6170755 Now, now. Don't give me any ideas... I'm sure there's already a Sparity ship fic out there where Spike becomes a Prince which changes Rarity's feelings about him.

I mean, there has to be...right? :raritywink:

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6170801

I'm sure that there are stories where Spike is a Prince and Rarity swoons because of it., but as for Rarity actually marrying Spike because of it......ehh...Usually that's because Spike's hitched to someone else (yes that could be a pony as well as any other creature) and Rarity's too late.

.....hmm...someone really does need to write that, though I'm pretty sure that there is at least one story based on that.

6181723 Well if a story along those lines can not be located, we only have one option... I'm going to try finishing off the projects I currently have, but after that I'll certainly consider writing something like that if I can find a decent way to write it.

Gee... his eggs were lost and Spike looks just like his kid and he's the only dragon with family values. The foreshadowing is so dark I can't see my hand in front of my face.

Also... scouters. Weird but intriguing. I thought this was going to be a quick one-off joke about the episode of the same name, but we've taken some interesting turns.

6400716 The mention of scouters and whatnot ties in with my other stories - 'Cadance: The Love Arsenal' - and it's something I intend to do with a lot of my stories, giving subtle little nods to other things I've written.

The egg thing may be foreshadowing, it may not. You'll have to see.

6401397 ...but... but dragons are reptiles(?) that lay eggs... ponies are mammals. How does that even happen? :twilightoops:

6401522 Ask Donkey . . .Oh that's another cartoon! (platypus ? Ploty-pus? ploty-pony?)




img10.deviantart.net/8ab0/i/2015/244/f/c/toasted_blue_on_cry_by_hillbe-d982b1m.jpg

Hm... I'm pretty interested in this story!

I think... it's a little rushed, though. Not to an intense degree, but I think that events just happen a little fast or have a bit too little detail, and it makes it a little harder to feel for the characters or add weight to events.

6437106 It's a problem I've had a lot so far. My main problem is that I want to get to the action so much that I skip out a lot of build up and detail.

I'm used to consuming visual media which hits hard and fast. I don't read a lot, so it's taking me a while to slow down my writing to the point where it's captivating. I need to describe things more, yes.

Thanks for the feedback. I do appreciate it, and this is an issue I'm trying to work on. If you have any tips for me I'll happily listen to them. :pinkiesmile:

Fanfiction 101: Never give a fanfic the exact same title as an official canon story.

6456825 Any particular reason?

Not being awkward about it, but as someone who is quite new to this whole fanfic malarkey, I'm genuinely curious. Is it a copyright issue, or just a conflict of people who are expecting a certain story or something?

I also realised one of my fanfics shares a title with another fanfic on the site. I imagine there possibly being an issue there, too? I'm not sure. Titles aren't my forte.

6456854 It's just one of those things you shouldn't do. It makes you look lazy, it makes you look like you're trying to "hitch a ride" on an existing canon title. It's also generally the mark of an inexperienced or underage writer. The Harry Potter fandom was especially bad about this back when the series was still coming out. Prior to the release of book five, FF.net was flooded with fics called "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix", universally poor in quality, none of them ever finished.

So it's a stigma thing. It's also just plain common courtesy for fanfic writers to come up with their own original titles and not copy the show/book/film. :twilightsmile:

Oh, and as to the "other fics with the same title" thing -- that happens, and every writer's handling of the situation varies. Some say "it doesn't matter", some say "change your title and let the guy who had it first keep it". It really depends on the situation.

But canon titles that the copyright owners own? ALWAYS hands-off for fanfic writers. Don't use them. It's common courtesy and common sense.

EDIT: Unless it's a case where you came up with a fic and gave it a title months or years before any such canon work existed, and even then, if it's a work you're continuing to produce, changing it is considered a good idea. This is one I personally ran into when the Sailormoon Crystal anime came out, because I have a 15-year-old abandoned story titled...well...you can guess. :ajsleepy:

6457010 I'll definitely take that into account. Thanks.

That said, now I'll have to think of another title. Any suggestions? haha :rainbowlaugh:

6457227 I'd help if I could, but I haven't actually read it yet...no time. :unsuresweetie:

6457227
Well, I'm garbage at names, but I know that the big fic The Immortal Game was named Games Ponies Play before the episode aired... so you could go that route where you use a name that is rather similar.

Or you could find a different part of the story that the story focuses on, now or planned to, and name it after that.

6457263 6457362 The Dragon Princess? Or is that also a thing? It sounds like a thing,

6457769
It is, at least, not an episode name. Cursory search determines that there is a fic with that name, which is starring Celestia either as a princess who's like a dragon, or who encounters said dragon-like princess, and a children's book by that name.

I'm really starting to dislike Espidor....he is making dragon a worse name then they already have....and I don't see him making any plans or other alternative maneuvers except for show contempt that Spike's temporarily taken charge from himself...

No wonder pretty much most creatures have issue with dragons--it doesn't matter if you are the top of the fucking food chain, you will live and thrive if you learn that sometimes you need help...

This chapter was a confusing. There are a lot of things happening all at once. The antagonist dies without any pomp (I'm pretty sure he dies at "The King roared as he stabbed his sword into the Captain, withdrawing it swiftly." and it's only told that he's dead later), characters show up in the middle of it with only a little bit more pomp, and apparently all of Espoir's allies died except for one who looks exactly like Spike anyway at some time. Spike does the sacrifice play, jumping in front of a crystal... beam? (does it summon crystals or shoot beams? What are the manifest crystals' powers?) but is basically unhurt, but apparently all the mook dragons die when they're hit.

6533816 My bad. I guess I should have explained it a little clearer. I'll have to go back through it and take the time to explain it better.

But, in short, the crystals fire crystallised beams which, upon contact, trap the character inside an immobilising magic prison made of black crystals which sprout out from the ground - the trapped characters don't die (so the lackeys didn't die, they're still alive).

Espoir's death is admittedly sudden. I'll go back through and have him die a little better.

Also, none of Espoir's lackeys look like Spike - that's Princess Duciel; King Depaix's daughter who, as Angelica explained in the previous chapter, was heading back home from the lake.

Thanks for helping me out with this train-wreck of a chapter :rainbowlaugh:

6533902
Oh. I thought it was describing Damour when you said carbon copy of Spike. Mostly because you wrote it right before the dialogue, making it unclear. I can see how it should be read as applying to Duciel, though.

6533940 My apologies. I'll have a look and see if I can fix that.

As for the lack of description, I wrote;

The gem around [Espoir's] neck glowed a brilliant shade of cyan and fired out a crystallised beam directly towards Twilight. The beam engulfed Twilight as blackened magical crystals thrust themselves out of the ground from below her, surrounding her on all sides. The purple princess was magically immobilised.

I assumed that would be description enough. Apart from when Depaix's hands are 'cuffed', every use of the crystals locks them inside a similar prison (I tried mixing up the descriptors because saying exactly the same thing over and over would get repetitive).

But no, apart from that one use - which is specifically described as having a 'smaller beam' - the Manifest Crystals trap their captors inside black crystals and magically immobilise them, which is quite consistent throughout the chapter as far as I can tell.

6533949
Yeah, it was the way it reacted to Spike that confused me. I assumed it summoned crystals, and it's pretty consistent otherwise. You could reiterate that every time they are struck with beams they are crystalized... and maybe even have a "surveying the battlefield" moment where they look over and see all the crystal trapped dragons.

When it comes to description, once you refer to a character by name try to keep doing so, even if you are going to elaborate on their appearance . For example, if "young dragon" in that sentence said "Duciel -- Who looked like a carbon copy of Spike -- " it wouldn't be very unclear at all (although referring to her by name right before someone else speaks would still be awkward). That's called Purple Unicorn Syndrome: the tendency to use synonyms for an already established character. Usually it just manages to be confusing, rather than what I assume is intended to elaborate or remind of the appearance of the character.

6533940 Re-reading it, I can see how the Duciel/Damour part can be confusing. I've changed the words to hopefully make it more clear.

Everything else should now, hopefully, be okay :moustache:

...no, it can't be the end. There's still so much to do...

so, in the end, this wasn't really Spike's story; he was just there to make the dragons think the real princess was still there, and that's about it... I mean, what did he do after the real princess got back? Told the princesses that Espoir tricked him... and...

6616962 You know, you're right, I can't deny that.

This was my first published longer project. I'd originally intended it to be a response to the Princess Spike episode where Spike - as usual - gets the short, incompetent end of the stick. I tend to write spontaneously, opting to try and let the story write itself with a couple of little nudges in the right direction. It had originally been my intention to write this from a different angle where Spike had to lead the dragons to finding Duciel and Twilight whilst juggling the battle against the Heroes (and it does go in that direction to begin with), but as I wrote I found it a struggle to write like that.

It's my own short-comings, I know, and given the direction the story eventually took I guess I should change the title to reflect it. It was meant to be a response to Princess Spike, and I'd like to think I wrote Spike more competently here than the show does most of the time, but ultimately, you're right, the focus tapers away from Spike as the story goes on.

I apologise if the title lead to expectations that weren't fulfilled - I don't want to fall into that trap in the future, though, so I'm grateful you pointed it out. This story in general has been one big learning curve for me, and I've picked up a fair amount of ideas and thoughts about how I want to attack future projects. I might get around to writing a more Spike-centric story in the near future (Twilight's Choice needs a complete rewriting after all, and that's another Twi/Spike story).

Thanks for the feedback, though. Sorry to disappoint. :fluttershysad:

Oh... oh. Celestia orchestrated this. Maybe intending the destruction of both of the other nations?

... Huh. Well evilMastermind!Celestia can be a controversial choice.

6617991
So. It's the longest project you've had yet? Congratulations.

Well, it's pretty rough around the edges, but don't let that discourage you! Learn from what you think you failed at, do better!

Also I don't think it needs another new name. Not really...

Flying by the seat of your pants can be tough, but I agree that you have to do what's right by the characters. Forcing them into situations that aren't believable because you know the plot needs to go somewhere is not going to turn out well.

If you don't mind the extra mental effort expenditure, there's always the idea that planning is important, but plans are useless. Thinking through your characters, figuring out how they would grow, how they would react, what would keep them both believable and useful, even if you ultimately find yourself going into another direction.

6625928 Thanks again for your feedback on this.

Like you said, it's rough around the edges, but I know myself that my writing feels better by the end than it did at the start.

Wasn't quite sure how to end it properly (never really done an 'ending' to a big story - most of the time I fall flat before/during the climax and stop writing), but I do have ideas for a follow-up to the story, so I needed some unresolved issues.

I'll pick this up in the future once I'm done elsewhere. I have other things to finish now. It's been a fun ride, though. :pinkiehappy:

At this point, I'm going to assume the Heroes are humans.

Because there hasn't been any description of them. Even when characters had full view of them battling dragons.

The kings really need to get over this habit of misplacing their princesses.

Also, King Lyddi-Lyddi, Twilight has known Celestia longer than you. I doubt you talked to her even once.

Weeeell, princess, maybe you should've left a note for your father.

You know, just to let him know you're just going out and not captured by the enemy. That was kinda dumb of you.

You told me you didn't know where they lived..." Twilight pause, implying she wanted reaffirmation he was telling the truth about that.

"Impossible!" the King snorted, putting the all-too-obvious picture together, yet still choosing to deny his own realisation.

Quick tip: Don't do this. Don't spoon-feed your readers information in this way. Write it so your readers can guess what you meant, or explore it a bit more so it feels like a natural process (for example, have the Dragon King go over what he's heard in his head, come to a conclusion, and then tell himself it's not possible). It'll make your text more engaging!

Angelica released her father from her arms, "I met Princess Duciel in the forest, by chance. We never wanted to fight, so we met to try and figure out a way to settle this conflict peacefully. She even gave me this to help protect us." she revealed, showing her father the Manifest Crystal, "It's enchanted. It could have protected the village from attack." the blonde-haired princess explained, putting the crystal away. King Depaix grinned subtly, acknowledging his daughter's kind gesture.

Yeah, that would've been really helpful. Why wasn't it with the village?

Oh, right, you decided to go camping. To the point where your father thought you'd been kidnapped.

Angelica really is kind of a dumbass. Anyway, this chapter really put the ponies second fiddle to all the human and dragon OCs. Let's see what the last two chapter have in store.

Wait. Twilight only carried Spike to safety? What?

Even though she could lift dozens of humans with her magic?

And Lydda manages to overcome both her and Cadance's magic just by swinging his sword around? Seriously?

Wow. That's... really hard to buy. Both Spike and his pony friends really get shafted with these later chapters. Also, apparently Spike's plan with the volcano didn't work out so well.

Maybe it would've been more effective if you allowed Twilight and Cadance to actually show their powers for a change. Like, Lydda can't break through their shield spells but is so enraged that he's starting to hurt himself, at which point his daughter talks him down. Here, the problem never even gets solved. Angelica ties her father up, that's it. He never agreed to stop. His followers didn't, either. Unless she takes the throne from him and forces all the humans still angry to obey, the situation hasn't improved that much. It would have the added benefit of not telling basically telling the ponies "Well, at least you tried."

... Tyrant Celestia? Really?

Okay, this is an older story. So, there's that. Not going to comment on it anymore than that.

So, despite all the griping, I did upvote this story since it kept me interested to the end. The last chapters, however, are also the weakest, I would say. Spike and Cadance and Twilight are just kind of there. They witness all the other character interact, not even being moral support. The problems aren't solved so much as delayed. You had a good build-up overall, as well as an interesting conflict. It's really only the last few chapters that don't work out so well.

Here's the upvote! Good luck on your future ideas!

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