The Statue

SparkBrony #1 · Jun 22nd, 2015 · · ·

This is actually pretty good, but your sentences are very choppy and you have a lot of repeating words, especially in the first few paragraphs. For instance, this:

Sometimes I would have been comforted by their lack of emotions. Today I was not.

would sound better as something like this:

Most times I would have been comforted by their lack of emotions; however, today I was not.

This:

I walked to the gigantic oak doors that stood between me and the outside world. I took a deep breath and marched outside.

could simply use some commas to un-chop it:

I walked to the gigantic oak doors that stood between me and the outside world, took a deep breath, and marched outside.

As for this:

I wrapped my scarf around my neck. The striped scarf was a fading purple and blue. It was old and torn in some places but it was still cozy.

you don't want to use the same word(s) in rapid succession unless you absolutely need to. It sounds weird and just doesn't flow well. Try to use synonyms if you can; good ones for scarf would be stuff like garment or cloth, but here you can just combine all three of these sentences like this:

I wrapped the old, torn, fading purple and blue scarf cozily around my neck.

Try to lay off words like "I", "it", and "the statue". You used "I" 89 times in the story, "it" 74 times, and "the statue" 28 times, but a lot of these can simply be eradicated by combining sentences.

Now onto content. I thought the storyline was actually quite good, but it seems like I've read a story somewhere like this, at least where someone is getting emotional to an object they think is inanimate but actually isn't. I'm fairly sure you're implying that the statue is Discord, but you might want to put a few more hints that it's him - you don't have to directly say it but maybe describe in more detail what the statue looks like. I liked how Celestia just kinda makes up a conversation with him and imagines that he's replying.

In conclusion I'll leave my like on this story since I enjoyed it for the most part, just work on the choppiness and repetitiveness of your writing and try to describe things a bit more. Cheers!

Fret

Fret #2 · Jun 22nd, 2015 · · ·

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I honestly don't understand the dislikes. It's obviously not perfect - no fanfic is, but it's by no means bad. I, for one, enjoyed reading it. Dislestia angst is the best pony angst, after all.

Either way, I really like how you made it so the reader didn't know if Discord's responses were in Celie's mind or not, giving us a chance to decide for ourselves. I'm always grateful when I find stories that do this. Celestia's one-sided conversation was interesting too - we didn't need Discord answering for us to know what she was talking about. Speaking of which, I don't think I found the name 'Discord' mentioned once, but we didn't need to. We knew who she was talking to.

There are a couple of things I need to point out though. First is the use of short sentences. Now, using them is fine when adding affect, which I feel is necessary here, but I feel they're over used, especially at the beginning. I found it quite distracting, since using them for more that you need makes it so they lose their effect. If they were used once or twice at the beginning, then put aside until Celie begins taking to Discord, then it would've been better. Just a piece of advice...

Also, a little grammar complaint (so much regret with this...) but putting a full stop at the end of the character's speech and then putting the description after it is wrong (that was terrible wording lol) so basically,

“I remember the good times.” I said as I stared at the statue.

Should be,

“I remember the good times," I said as I stared at the statue.

^^^ that's actually a really small complaint, but I just can't help pointing it out

Either way, I enjoyed reading it. Keep on writing! ^^

(also, some of those dislikes may be from the fact that it's Dislestia. Damn haters...)

Nerfyy

Nerfyy #3 · Jun 25th, 2015 · · ·

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hmm it isnt bad ^^ i liked this
just what pisses me of is how Celestia rubs salt in the wound xDD
talking about partys and cakes in front of one who cant have it
grr xDD

Lighttone GryphonStar

Lighttone GryphonStar #4 · Nov 21st, 2015 · · ·

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Wow, this was way better than I thought it would be. I almost had tears as well at the end. And I love we were able to decide for ourselves whether the talk was one sided, or not.

I also notice a lot parallels with a story that I almost wrote a month but then decided to put on hold to write another story. But now that I have found this story, I know writing my version would be pointless now. Because your story would still be the better one. Oh well, I still enjoyed this story.