What have I done?!
"Take that, you ugly monster! No one tries to hurt my friends!" Rainbow Dash yelled proudly, as she flew over the crumpled body of a human.
"Rainbow! What have you done!" Princess Twilight Sparkle yelled, as she ran over to the dying body of George.
"What have I done? I just saved you from this monster." Rainbow Dash flipped in midair. "No need to thank me. I'm just doing my job."
"George wasn't a monster! He was a human!" Twilight yelled to her friend, tears in her eyes.
"A hooman?" Rainbow asked.
"A human! Like the species from the other world!" Rainbow's eyes widened, as she remembered the species Twilight told her friends about after her first adventure past the mirror.
Rainbow quickly shrugged it off. "Don't worry Twi. That kind of attack would have only dazed a minotaur. And you said that humans are basically minotaurs."
"Yeah, but George had a problem with his bones! He's got that rare fragile bone syndrome! You just destroyed his entire chest!" Twilight gestured to the blood spilling on the ground around the body of the human.
Rainbow gulped, before gently flying down, and gently shaking the body of the now dead human. "Hey, you okay bud?" No response. Rainbow shook a bit harder. "Hey, don't tell me a species like yours got hurt from a little scratch!" Still no response. "Come on! Don't tell me you're dead!" Rainbow's shaking finally made the body roll over, and both ponies had to puke after seeing the destroyed chest cavity and bloody mess of the human. Tears started forming in Rainbow's eyes, as he realized what she just did. "What have I done!"
"Miss Rainbow Dash!" The voice of Princess Celestia called out. Rainbow Dash was currently standing in court, accused of her recent crime. Her hoofs and wings were bound in iron, and her friends sat on the sidelines, all with tears in their eyes, worried over their friends. "You stand accused of murder, the extinction of an endangered species, unaggravated assault, and assault on a creature protected by the crown. How do you plead?" Celestia's voice boomed over the entire courtroom.
Rainbow Dash sighed, before standing up out of her chair as best she could. "I plead guilty, Princess Celestia." The moments those words came out of her mouth, all of her friends burst into tears, from Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash's oldest friend, to Applejack, who was thought to only be able to cry on the inside. Even Rainbow Dash's pet turtle, Tank, was crying.
"Then, you must serve a lifetime sentence in the Canterlot dungeons. Guards! Take her away!" A guard came over, and started pulling Rainbow Dash away, to the Canterlot Dungeons. Almost all the ponies in the room gasped at Celestia's decision, as they all know Rainbow Dash is an important figure to Equestria's safety.
After court was over, Twilight Sparkle and her friends all ran over to the Princess of the sun. "Celestia! How could you!" Twilight yelled, tears in her eyes. Her friends all nodded, tears in their eyes as well.
Celestia sighed, before responding. "I had to Twilight. She committed a crime, and has to be punished."
"But Rainbow's an important part of Equestria's defense!" Applejack exclaimed. "Without her, what would happen if we need to solve another friendship problem?!"
"While Miss Dash was an important part to Equestria's security, and has helped save Equestria on several different occasions, she still committed a crime, and needed to be punished. If she got let free, ponies will see that as you six being above the law, and complain, or even harm you and your families." Celestia said in a depressed tone of voice, not liking having to make such a decision.
"But who did she hurt?" Fluttershy asked. "I know Rainbow, and she would never k-kill somepony."
"The other day, a human arrived in our courtroom in the middle of the day. We questioned him, and learned his name; George. But we also learned that he had the rare condition of fragile bones. So, his body was much weaker than it should have been. We sent him to Ponyville, to live in Twilight's castle, as well as putting a notice on him, saying that harming him is against the law to protect him. Twilight can explain what happened next." Celestia said this, and walked away, causing the ponies to look at Twilight for answers.
'It's already been five years." Rainbow Dash thought. 'It's been five years since I-i-I killed somepony.' Rainbow hit her head with a hoof. 'If I only thought ahead, I wouldn't be in this situation.' Rainbow looked around her jail cell, noticing how barren it is. She then looked at herself, remembering how she looked before she did the act. Now her once vibrant mane and coat are dull, her eyes are almost lifeless, her wings are weak from not being used in five years, as prisoners wings must be unable to be used, unless at certain periods, which Rainbow Dash ignored, as flying reminded her of her crime. Even her body became flabby, as she hasn't gotten much exercise. 'Why didn't I think ahead! If I did, he would have still been alive! I killed a living creature!'
She was sometimes visited by her friends, but it never cheered her up much. One time she was even visited by her idol Spitfire, but all Spitfire could do was look disappointed. Rainbow cringed, as she remembered the words Spitfire used.
'I had high hopes for you kid. You could have been an awesome Wonderbolt, but you chose to throw it away.'
Even Discord choose to visit her once along with the rest of her friends, but Discord didn't say anything, except give her an angry glare, as they all knew Discord despises killing, and once mentioned how he was rather fond of the human after meeting him, stating how the human seemed to come from a 'gleefully' chaotic world.
As Rainbow Dash sat on her bunk in her cell, she pushed her head into her hooves, and cried out four last words, before only crying was heard.
"What have I done!"
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- SolidArc5542 · 5.1k words · 34 23 · 1.3k views
- HopeForTheFew · 7k words · 38 8 · 2k views
- GrizzlytheMedic · 1.3k words · 35 4 · 1.5k views
- Pen Dragon · 3k words · 84 39 · 4.2k views
- The Count · 5.1k words · 95 1 · 2.8k views
- Heat Horn · 5.4k words · 50 10 · 2k views
- Castok the Shadow · 1.6k words · 58 17 · 4.5k views
- WhispersandAshes · 4.7k words · 41 1 · 772 views
Stats
Page generated in 0.154 seconds
Total duration
1,144 users online
1,702,568 hits today, 1,822,946 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
well you're quick.
i guess its time to read then
edit: it was short but good.
This is what you get for jumping on everybody that doesnt look like you Rainbow.
In some way i have this sadistic happiness about this story.i was getting tired of reading about Rainbow flying in the face of everybody and accusing them of being monster or punching people without facing the consequence.
Yep as sad as this story was i can say im happy.
It's too short. You've got the skeleton of a good story, but it needs meat on those bones.
Excellent concept. So many stories on this website portray humans as ridiculously overpowered (and plenty of them are fantastic, don't get me wrong), but it's kind of nice to read a story where the human involved only appears threatening but is in fact underpowered. Plus the fact that someone is finally being punished for attacking a human solely because "ooh, scary monster" instead of just being forgiven is a breath of fresh air. Everything about the premise is very interesting.
But MAN was the pacing off. This was just WAAAY too fast. (review mode engaged)
Firstly, there was little to no development of the human character. I never understood the connection between him and any of the other characters, and to be honest, it's hard to care about him being injured. I mean, it's not a good thing, and the fact that he has a fragile body does bring some empathy, but, truthfully, I have no idea who he is, what he cares about, why he was there in the first place, why Twilight cares about him, ANYTHING about his past on earth, nothing. All we know is that he has osteogenesis imperfecta, rainbow thought he was a monster (as usual), and that his name is George. An entire chapter (or several) could be devoted just to who he is in a regular story. I get that this is a one shot, but SOME development to emotionally connect to the character would be nice.
Second problem: the pacing. Sweet merciful fuck the pacing. Each of the individual segments was rushed beyond belief. I don't mind that there was a significant chronological gap between them, that's not a problem (actually it works pretty well). The problem is that you're trying to stuff an entire scene into one paragraph. The dialogue sounded like each of the characters already knew what the other was going to say and already thought out everything. You need to give the story time to develop on it's own. This isn't an english exam where you need to stuff everything into one page. Don't waste a good idea by leaving it as just an idea. I don't know if you did it on purpose, but you definitely streamlined everything far too much. No one talks like this in real life.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, this is a good story idea with some real potential. But if you really want it to be a great one, give it a little more time and thought. Don't write it down just because you "couldn't concentrate on any of my other stories until I got this out of the way." Because that's just wasting it.
6105119 I see what you have done there.
6105212 Thanks for the criticism
. But yeah, I made a few mistakes, I'm not quite used to this kind of story yet (I think it's called a one-shot, not sure), where there's only one chapter. Plus, I didn't want to think to much about the background of my character, as my brain would have had him punished more in his life, and I would feel guilty enough to keep me up when trying to sleep. I'm used to giving my character some good things (like super powers or something), and then punishing them, like one character loses his arm, or another is mentally played with. Yeah, and sorry about the pacing, wasn't sure how to exactly pace the story.
Brilliant concept, incredibly rushed execution. I think we could've done with more of Rainbow's reasoning, more in-depth about the trial process, maybe give a face to the name of the guy. Overall, 2.9/5.
Very short, but interesting. You should do all of the Mane Six. They would all have different viewpoints on killing.
The law thing reminds me of this story where Applejack is a superstitious nut who thinks a pegasus colt with slit pupils is a demon. She proceeds to attack him and breaks one of his wings before being dragged off and forced back to her farm. Celestia appears, makes Applejack realize her mistake, and proceeds to pass judgement. For the crime of assaulting and seriously injuring a minor, Applejack is sentenced to... apologizing to the victim... What?
Your story is more realistic in regards of Equestrian law and how it mingles with the Mane6, though still not very realistic. Even in our world, what Rainbow Dash did would be considered, at most manslaughter of the first degree (maybe even only 2nd degree manslaughter since it could be argued she thought George was an animal), which would put even a shady individual in prison for life with chance of parole. In case you don't know, life with parole means you spend a minimum of 25 years before you can start seeing the parole board and chance getting released. Life without parole is for your whole life. Two consecutive life sentences usually means 50 years be seeing a parole board.
Anyway, I doubt a pony who saved the country would be locked away for life without parole just because she made one big mistake, even if it did lead to someones death.
As a stand alone work of fiction, it's meh.
If I read it as a response to every fic where Rainbow does this, and faces no consequences, then it is satisfying.
6105543 well, she would be given parole. I wasn't very knowledgeable about parole. But, while writing, I considered the fact that Equestria is different than earth, and doesn't have much crime (equestria seems too peaceful for much crime), let alone murder, so the affects of murder would be more harshly dealt with, than on earth.
Also, I kinda dislike the stories were a mane six member commits a crime, and they don't get punished. I remember one part of a story (can't remember what is was called), but pinkie pie raped a human, and the mane six and celestia forced the human to accept her apology, and not get her arrested. So I made a story where the mane six get punished, as perhaps as equally as a regular citizen.
6105595
Well, I think your example was a bit more extreme than mine, but anyway. The Mane6 getting off easy seems to be unfortunately canon after Lesson Zero and Tanks for the Memories. Rainbow blew up a weather factory, and nobody said anything about it.
You should rework this story. Give the human some depth. Why did Rainbow attack him? Why was she unaware of the royal decree of protection for George?
As noted before, this is too short and the pacing is so rushed. This story can be a gem. Just polish it and don't be afraid to ask for advice.
I died at Applejack's question to Celestia about a friendship crisis. It was such an off the wall thing.
Way too rushed. It almost feel like a first draft. Rainbow Dash being OOC for the story to kick off doesn't help you out either.
A good short story. Though, very rushed.
This is a nice breath of fresh air, if you consider certain fan fictions in this fandom where OOC ponies (often OP ponies) do horrible things to humans and don't suffer any repercussions for their actions.
Hell, there are stories in this fandom where the ponies are wiping out humanity... yet they are somehow the 'good' guys.
Where's the comedy tag? This was hilarious
I
what
this story make me so uncomfortable
I'm laughing
but this is not the laugh of humor
this is the laugh of a man who is scared beyond all comprehension
6106167 >This is the laugh of a man who is scared beyond all comprehension
Pity, because this literally me right now.
You killed off a character who's sole purpose for existence was to make people feel bad for him. I say to thee, bravo. Gonna have to agree with 6106130 This story is so rushed, so nonsensical, and so melodramatic that I can only see it as an unintentional comedy.
Your bio reads:
Considering you've written three displaced fics and now you've thrown this up, I'm not seeing very much of this imagination you claim to possess
6105595 wait what story was this?
Good attempt, but we could beat New Horizons to Pluto using the pace of this story.
You pretty much had Rainbow Dash kill a cardboard cutout of a human bean.
6105543
What story was that?
6108310
Foal of the Forest.
The first book was all around pretty good (1000+ upvotes), but in later installments, the story kind of becomes a massive ship-fic where everyone, including background ponies, get paired up. If you're okay with that, and like Dragon Ball as this story is sort of a serious form of that, then you'll probably enjoy it. A heads up, Granny Smith is a martial arts master of the most powerful eatrh pony style, which I found kind of stupid.
Some pairings I think I'm remembering correctly:
Main OC coltxScootaloo
TwilightxOC badass
ApplejackxOC badass (friend of previous OC)
RarityxFilthy Rich
FluttershyxCaramel
6108529
Thanks!
This was the poorest excuse for a drama story that I've ever had the misfortune of reading.
I am sure the comments are beginning to sound like an echo chamber at this point, but here I go. The concept of the story is great but the execution leaves something to be desired. I have two major issues with this story. First, the pacing is too fast. Second, the entire story seems to be only denouement.
The fast pace of the story works against the tone I think you are trying to create. There are kernels of events that could easily become chapters unto themselves, but the brisk pace keeps their significance from sinking in. Take the court scene for example. I could easily see Equestria, if as peaceful as portrayed in the show, as having no legal distinction between manslaughter, murder, and justifiable killings (i.e. self defense). Having a national hero kill someone like this would also create a massive public uproar. I would like to see more of the rest of the Mane 6's reaction to the killing, trial, and sentencing. Because each plot point is so condensed, this story reads like a summarized version of the story rather than an actual story.
This condensed nature plays into my second issue, the lack of a rising action- climax- denouement structure. Take the court scene again. Showing the guilty plea and sentencing jumps to what would normally be a climax of a courtroom drama, but the lack of buildup removes that impact. Killing George so early on in the story means that by nature the story will have to focus on the aftermath of the event, but it would make for a stronger punch on the reader if there was some development for him or at least if there was some buildup to it.
You do have the skeleton of a good story here. The circumstances of the story have elements of a classical tragedy in that it uses Dash's character traits, her loyalty and impulsiveness, to cause the tragedy. I believe you can redo this story into something better. You just need to rework the pacing a lot.
6106188 read the authors note
6246290 *cough* exquse me?!
I wonder what it says about me when I admit that I enjoyed this far more than I should have...
Best story Eva! I love it!
my first thought when reading that was.
"hmm.. wasn't that's the stuff from the movie Unbreakable" (and yes it took a couple minutes to google, and finally find the name of the movie)
Poor George well she got what she deserved
6436064 for a second, I thought you were calling George a girl. It took me a few seconds to realize that you were referring to Rainbow Dash.
I LIKED THIS, and if the story had been further developed im sure others would as well (thou im pretty sure George would have been a whiny bitch)
Although the story is a little too fast it's still enjoyable and personally i like it.
Wouldn't it have been worse if she wasn't punished. I mean Celestia could give her a nice talk on how she can't be touched due to her position as an element of harmony and then just say that she has to live with it. I'm pretty sure the guilt would drive her mad. And or PTSD from the color red.
”I got the idea from remembering an episode of Spongebob.”
What?
Care to clarify???
👍