(A HALO and My Little Pony: Frendship is Magic crossover)
Promethean Unit 1889-3782-3378-0027-B...
First, born a Dragoness...
Then, a Soldier...
Then, a Promethean...
Then, a Weapon...
Now? She doesn't know...
Forerunners turned her into one of their ultimate weapons in order to hunt down the Flood. But after the conclusion of the deadly War, what is she to do? What does a weapon do with this freedom in peace? Do you try to protect it? Do you try to destroy it? Or do you try to blend in and let the chips fall where they may?
As 27 attempts to blend into this new society of 'ponies' to find answers to her questions, she is confronted by many wonderful and kind things. But unbeknownst to her, she was followed by something from her bloody past, a monument to her sins...
>>(AN: I am new to this fandom and would appreciate it if you told me if I made a mistake in the canon of MLP or any mistake in general)
That's a great gun and all (it's actually one of my favorites), but boy howdy does it suck for crowd control. It'd suck even more against the fast moving Flood. Man, do I feel bad for you, 27...
Yeah, if there's one thing you avoid like the Flood in Four, it's those damn Incineration Cannons... Sorry, doll. You just can't have a good day, now can you?
Eh... I don't particularly like this explanation. I mean, if humans can summon the damn thing with their inferior tech, then why the fuck would the Prometheans, the CREATORS of the damn thing have any trouble constructing one? Just saying, you might wanna change that.
Now I'm sorry for what I'm about to say. But, that's a mistake, right there. That gun is called the 'Suppressor' for a reason, ya know! It's meant for crowd control! So, why was she not using it against the Flood? For a supersmart AI, that's just plain dumb. To fix that, just switch the two. Binary goes against the tank, and Suppressor goes against the hoard. That was a really stupid mistake. Besides, one Binary Round to the skull, and that thing would just be a pile of ash.
Might wanna switch that to Void Combat. Ya know. Void of space? But since there's no air, what you have down doesn't really make a whole lotta sense.
Lurched. But, good imagery here. I like it.
Good job on putting the major races up there without it being out of place. Nice.
Painful, dark, and dreadfully, deeply disturbing mental picture. Wonderful job.
Switch that with, 'the', mmkay?
Dodged, and surely.
You are really having problems with that word.
And it's spelled right, here... Derp.
And... How, exactly, do we know it's gonna be the Everfree? Just say, 'But the ship finally did make landfall in a large forest clearing.' Then add everything after that.
All in all, this is really enjoyable. Fix those mistakes, and you should be golden for this chapter. Once you do that, go to some Halo groups, Message random strangers and link them to your story. Design a message that you can just copy and paste from message to message, and I can tell you that this story would be a pretty decent hit. While I cannot finish pointing out mistakes tonight, as I am dead tired, I will continue tomorrow. Probably.
I got your back... Hehe... Anyway, in all seriousness, change that 'what's' to 'What Was'. 'What's' is for present tense.
Well, now we know exactly where we are in the timeline, without it being shoved up our ass on a platter. Neat. But, why are those extra lines there?
Now there is a very amusing picture, a Promethean, race of races, behaving like a simple pack animal.
Eh... Might want to call this, 'Hyper Pink'. Easier to read, and seems less forceful to the reader.
Odd spacing in an otherwise perfect environment. Oh, and I'm loving the descriptions of the Ponehs.
Might wanna add a 'had' before 'just'. Easier to read.
God, what is it with this chapter and strange spacing? It's like last chapter's 'Dodge'.
Gee, really? I would never thunked...
Since when is it working again? Please tell me.
How does she know it was a weapon? An assumption? This should be, '27 thought, referencing the jewelry.' You also forgot a period, there, as well as a capitalization.
Trumped means 'beaten'. Try 'stumped'.
'Has' becomes 'has'. And, I'm seeing WAY to many numbers. It's messing up the flow of reading. Try switching them with 'her' and 'she'.
audible, 'clunk'
HOW ARE YOU SPELLING THINGS LIKE THIS RIGHT, BUT FUCK UP SIMPLE WORDS?! BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! IT'S ENOUGH TO MAKE AN EDITOR GO MAD!!!
Why didn't plan for this, indeed... Where is the 'I'?
Pinkie, Pinkamena, Miss Diane, Miss Pie, and the list goes on. However, 'Pinky' isn't on it.
Hooves.
Mane.
Add, 'things' after 'feeling'.
Largest. Bar-fight.
Capitalization.
Does.
I would like you to note I am correcting the big or obvious mistakes. Not the tiny, minute ones. You'll need a real Editor for that.
6410946 Thank you for your reviews!
I’m very sorry for the very late reply and for the amount of mistakes I have embedded into my story, for I do not have as much time as I would like to work on this story with school, marching band, homework, and sports bogging me down. But as soon as you read this reply, the mistakes you have noted will be almost or already corrected and I have a good start on the next chapter!
Again, thank you for the reviews and corrections (I don’t think I would have found those mistakes on my own
)
6455166 Neat! And, it's cool. I have a soft spot for High Altitude, Low Open games (Yes, that's what HALO stands for.), and this? Using a Promethean? God, it's waving meat in front of a starving dog. I love it. I'll re-read it once those major mistakes are fixed.
Unggoy and Kig-Yar were not around back then.
The Lekgolo weren't around during the Forerunner-Flood War, and even if they were the Halos would not have killed them, since they can't be infected by the Flood.
Well, the Forerunners did; the Primordial told them. I find it odd that they would not share this knowledge with 27, since it ties into the Flood's true motivations...
Sorry for all the lore nitpicks, but I'm just really passionate about the Halo series.
6455166
please do more
I would like to see a Pony Fim version of The Boxcar Children
6857739
Yeah they were, but they weren’t space faring though IIRC.
So, is 27 a Prometheon mutant (who resembles a dragon) or someone that got recruited by the Forerunners during the final days of the Forerunner-Flood War?
Must have more!!! Please.