Last man of the BARRIER

by nathan17

Finding a strange creature

It was a sunny day in equestria when twilight left her house. "What a nice day" twilight hummed to herself as she walked out of the sofa and quills shop." There we go" she said as she opened her treehouse door to see spike who was still asleep. Well I better go do some studying." Said Twilight as she walked upstairs she heard the radio start talking, "MAYDAY,MAYDAY this is sector R,3454 My pelican has taken damage and am going into Hiperspace with unknown coordinates,"

yelled her radio surprising her. I wounder who said tha..." but was cut off by a loud rumble coming from out side twilight window. "There isn't supposed to be a storm today" thought Twilight looking out her window to see a strange machine fly over ponyville and crash into the everfree forest.

"What the HAY was that," said spike scaring Twilight.

"I have no Idea spike but I think we should go investigate" said Twilight.

........................................

Alex's pelican had entered the atnishere of a unexplored planet. "This is going to end badly" I mumbled as a town came into view. "I might be able to land in that..." but I was interupted by a "BOOM" as the left thruster exploded and I lost control of the pelican as it spun over the town and flew straight toward a large tree. "I HATE TREE!!" I yelled angerlly. CRASH

.......................................

As Twilight,Rainbow dash,Rarity,Applejack, and Fluttershy along with four guard's who were escorting them to the strange contraption. When they found it the guard's started prying open the bay door until they fully open. "girls make shore to be ready for anything" warned twilight to her friends as they entered. When they entered they sall a small trail of blood leading to what looked like a control spot to see a strange creature laying on the chair unconscious. "This will be intresting," said Twilight excited.

Comments

[nathan17]

Hey everypony, I may have azide tally may have gotten sent to equstria. You better believe it because I'm being chased by Lyra and she won't leave me alone

[magesticus]

A lot of errors in the description

A man named Alex Gray is a human who works at the last ship which is holding its postion to defend the HALO. After a dangerous viris bourd's the ship Alex must escape the ship. When he escapes the ship he crash lands in the everfree forst. After awakeing he finds hiself.

they should be:
position
virus
board's
Everfree Forest (must be capitalized)
awakening
himself

there are also a few grammatical errors as well however you can find an editor for those (not me)

[nathan17]

The first thing to let you know is that I am not a good speller so leave it be
Also do you know anybody who can be a editer

[Revenant Pony]

The first thing to let you know is that I am not a good speller so leave it be

You asked for what you did wrong, spelling is one of the areas you are getting wrong. If you are going to be a writer, fix that.

I recommend you go here: School for New Writers

Thank you.

[Fundalo]

Well I guess I could check out this guy's stories since he's watching me...

Anyway- oh, what is thi- What the?!

6090425

That was a bit of an overreaction.

I don't think he was trying to insult you when he said you weren't a great speller, you yourself admitted you could do better.

One of the most important things a writer should do is accept criticism, and use it to make your stories even better, and not take them as offensive.

[nathan17]

Oooooppppsssssssssss.

Your right... Sorry bought that... This is my first time writing.

[Fundalo]

6090478

No problem.

If you want, I could help with the spelling?

[nathan17]

That be great but how do I ask for a editer

[nathan17]

It is a crossover with mlp,halo, and dead space. Also I am getting an editor but thanks.

[nathan17]

To let everyone know please tell me what I did wrong!

[Mosqueefo]

Oh my god that was bad.
>INB4 deleated comment

[Manes]

I weep for those who had fallen in the comment section.

[theguysaidhi]

Comment posted by SA Starla deleted at 2:35am on the 14th of June, 2015

I have high hopes for you here, son.

[Gothicfox]

Yeah, that thing where you delete everyone's comments, that's going to blow up in your face.

[Reeve]

33.media.tumblr.com/b1dceaebbf8377ba7dea0cc34a7d2e15/tumblr_mjbmludYng1rxmai6o1_500.gif

[Blackguard]

I had enough trouble reading the first chapter of this. The spelling is horrendous, there's seemingly no plot and stuff just happens for no reason. Give us something to work with. Give your readers actions and drama to follow and now just be, "this happens. And because of that this happens next". Your story is full of that.

And the deleted comments are not going to help you any. If anything it's going to prevent you from getting any kind of actual help. Good luck because you're going to need it.

[Regis-Th3-Lesser]

How the hell did you misspell “Covenant” twice in the description...?

May as well read...

EDIT: Just read it... Nope!
I am tired of seeing stories like these, I don't care what you say, I am going to help you!

[null_name5656]

A man named Alex Gray is a human who works at the last ship which is holding its postion to defend the HALO. After a dangerous viris bourd's the ship Alex must escape the ship. When he escapes the ship he crash lands in the everfree forst. After awakeing he finds himself binded to a stone chair. Can he convince the pony's he is not dangerous?

First off, do you know what a halo is? Secondly how did he crash land in the everfree? Did his drop/escape pod drift aimlessly in space for long enough to find Equiss or was the planet coincidentally nearby. Thirdly he is technically amongst the most dangerous humans you could be around, he is trained to be a war machine and is most likely being searched for by multiple different powerful and dangerous factions. Im also kinda doubtful about the virus thing because unless its the Flood parasite or whatever the hell is killing people in Dead Space the UNSC's ships look really clean and sterile. Highly doubt they would let a potentially crippling disease spread aboard one of their war ships.

Bonus round:

Chapters less than 800 words long *ding*

Bizarre title that seemingly has little to do with the story *ding*

Starting massacres of commenters, leaving fairly long stretches of deleted comments *ding*

[Sdrawkcabsitxetsiht]

Why'd you delete all these comments? You can't handle criticism? Dude, we are giving honest feedback.

[nathan17]

Yeah. But in my defense the coments were not even close to criticism. They were afeanding

[Fundalo]

*looks at comments*

Remember what I told you...

[nathan17]

yes

[nathan17]

thanks for telling me

[nathan17]

Already have a editor ficioning it up

[UndeadDingo]

I like the direction of the story and it deserves a chance to live as a story.

Now a few words that no one will understand.
This story is like the regular UNSC solders. It's being killed in a animation. It's not impossible to save that solder, just really hard.