I Am Not a Charlatan! I Am Mysterio, Master of the Arcane Arts!

by The Quidam

Issue 7 1/2 ?-The Origin of the Bandit Age

Long time ago! Like, so long ago that even your grandma's grandma's grandma was calling it old! Therewas once a mountain that had feelings because of a great treasure called the Heart Stone! This Heart Stone was the prettiest and most shinniest of shinnies to ever exist in everything! It was worth enough to give whoever owned it whatever they wanted. And what the Mountain wanted, was to have the Hart Stone forever. It seemed like it would, but The Mountain was afraid that someone was gonna take away this very special shiny, so he used his mountain magic to create a super awesome guardian beast known as Crunch the Rockdog!

He was a ginormous stone doggie and equipped with a black collar of black lava rock, which made him indestructible! Even more fearsome was how he could turn anything into stone! And yet there was one problem:

He didn’t have any feelings!

In fact, it seemed that anything with feelings deserved to be turned to stone for being weak because of them, and so he did!

But then some stuff happened and he got them! When Crunch had feelings, he realized that things were not weak because of them, and so he decided to stop turning things to stone unless they deserved it!

But then the feelings caused the great Rockdog to realize that he was lonely! So very lonely! So lonely that not even the talkie mountin could make him feel better. So he left to find a reason to beat his loneliness away.

Eventually he came across a group of somedoggies who were digging up for shinnies and other good stuff. He spent plenty of time there and after showing how much of an Alpha dog he was, he came across some female doggies and then -poof!- started up the next age of Diamond Doggie clans!

So Crunch had it all: he had pack leadership, the shinnies, and the bitches!

[“This job is bitchin’ good!” said Crunch as he sat comfortably curled up on a padded rug. There were several female doggies all lovingly curled next to him, or attending to his needs with a smile. ]

But then the ponies came because the Great Mountain died, somedoggies were not so nice to the ponies, and some other reason that no one can remember. There was a great battle in which Crunch and Celestia faced off.

[“You’re going down, you mangy mutt!” Celestia roared as she flew over Crunch.

“We’ll see about that, you dumb pony!” Crunch barked back as he pulled out some shades.

“Psssh!” Celestia sounded as she fired out a solarbeam!]

While Celestia’s power was intense, Crunch was indestructible to even her powers of the sun!

[“Why isn’t it working?” Celestia, dumbly asked.

“Bitch! Your sun ain’t got a thing on me!” Crunch roughly answered with a smack to her face from his paw.]

But alas, he had to let the cheater win because reasons! So Crunch was overthrown by that sunbutted cakegobbler they call a princess. They put him on trial for some crimes they said he did to the ponies, but nodoggie cares about lies like that!

What they do care about is what he was going to say on the day the ponies were going to sentence him to the gates of Tartarus. Would it be good words of advice? Would it be a goodbye to all his baby mommas he’d be leaving behind? Would it be who gets to lead Diamond Dogs after he’s gone?

No! For Crunch knew the question which would upset Celestia the moment it was asked of him:

[“Hey, Big Boss Crunch! Where did you put the Heart Stone?” A random doggie yelled out as the surrounding mutts asked as well.]

It was a question that the crowd of different packs demanded to be answered! One that would change the history of the Diamond Dogs to come!

[“Don’t you do it!” Celestia glared as she saw the smirk widen on the Rockdog's face.

“Ima do it!”

“Don’t you do it!”

“Ima do it!”

“Don’t you dare-”]

And with a great big growl, Crunch declared to all the doggies who gathered for his big farwell:

[“The Heart Stone? Why, it's right where I left it. It's yours if you can find it. But you'll have to search the whole world! If you want it, you can have it. So seek it out! I left everything in my life at that place it is buried! But remember, Finders Keepers Losers Weepers!”]

Aww, snap! He just accidentally a bandit age to last around a thousand years?

He did!

So it was then that Diamond Dogs around the land began to search the whole world for the Heart Stone! For the Law of Finders Keepers decreed that whoever found it, owned it! And whoever owns it gets to be the king of all the Diamond Dogs and get all the goodies that comes with it: Fame, Glory, Shinnies, and Bitches!

To this day, no one has found it, but when it is, they will say that the one to lead all the packs will be-

[}0{]

"Big Queen Bo, and her little sis, Princess Norah!" The pup then threw her toys in the air as she cheered. "Hooray! The End!"

Norah had her stuffed toys give a final boy at their performance’s conclusion. There was dead silence from those gathered at the table, but finally Mysterio started a weak series of hand claps to get Tsavorite and Trixie to start hesitantly applauding this pup’s show as well.

“Well, that was…certainly something, Norah.” Mysterio commented. “Well done.”

Her big sister, Bo was not as amused, for she had a paw to her face as she sighed out, “Norah, just…just no.”

“What? That’s the story and Ima stick to it!” Norah pouted, before tossing away the ragged plushie that represented Celestia with a huff. “Now where are my cookies?”

[}0{]
The ORIGIN OF THE BANDIT AGE
...
...
...
ACCORDING TO NORAH
...
END!
[}0{]

As for the rest of the story...

[TO BE CONTINUED…]

Author's Note:

So before I get a bunch of hate-filled comments, for a prank, let me explain!

This 'chapter' was meant to go up on April Fools Day! However, being the new guy at work, the bigger trick was played on me in which I kept getting scheduled long shifts, late hours, or to cover someone sick! That, and my file that got my chapter outlines got corrupted, and I have to start off from scratch. So blah, blah, blah, I finally posted it more than a month later! Happy April Fools Day on ME!
I had to make it its own chapter because as crazy as it is, there are some plot points hidden in it if you look closely enough. I am working on the next chapter, but try as I might, I couldn't get this snippet to flow without it being presented first. So I hope at the very least you'll find it enjoyable for being an instance of 'Storytime with Norah'. Maybe there will be more in the future, eh?

My main regret is that it lacks illustrations that I planned for it. It was supposed to have childish drawings of Celestia and Crunch to go along with it, but I sadly did not have the time to do them. Maybe some kind soul will be able to produce them, or be bribed to do so, but for now it will just have to remain in your imagination!

So remember, to read, comment, and give a like if you want! Also, maybe give my other story "The Greedy Queen's Beloved Revival " a try! That story could use some comments to fuel it as well. Until next time, patient readers! Fare-thee-well!

Comments

[Moongaze14]

Man, Norah really knows how make an interesting story. Also, love the analogy between the Heart Stone story and One Piece.

[The Quidam]

7247576
Thanks! Glad you appreciate her storytelling skills!

[HIEfan]

Truley this young pup has a silver tounge, never before have i been so immersed in a story.

[The Quidam]

7248765
I will be sure to pass on the compliment!

[nightmaster0]

Very very amusing chapter.

[sobianca]

ok, I can see how that story was good. if no one else saw the theme from One Piece, go watch it. WATCH IT NOW!!
but really, norah is a young pup. that's like going into a kindergarten (or maybe 1rst grade) class and asking one of the children for an epic story. what would you expect from a child
at least mysterio has an imagination (an is an otaku!)

keep up the good work

[Just Sandy]

random fact: the character from one piece you referenced here was inspired by a real pirate

[Whiteeyes]

Behold, child acting! And writing! And surprisingly good puppetry.

[The dragon hunter]

Hey that's not what happened! Where's the part with baby Nightmare Moon wearing a cat costume while riding a flying shark that shoots lasers from its eyes?

[Hoppa_21]

Norah should be the storyteller for Mysterio's story! That would be great!

[Royal7]

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“The Heart Stone? Why, it's right where I left it. It's yours if you can find it. But you'll have to search the whole world! If you want it, you can have it. So seek it out! I left everything in my life at that place it is buried! But remember, Finders Keepers Losers Weepers!”]

when the rap starts
, “Norah, just…just no.”

[Autumn breeze24]

ONE PIECE!!

[droid]

“We’ll see about that, you dumb pony!” Crunch barked back as he pulled out some shades.

uh ok then