The sirens. Adagio Dazzle, Sonata Dusk and Aria Blaze. As we all know, were defeated in Rainbow Rocks.
But what if that wasn't it?
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Princess Twilight Sparkle, Princess of friendship. Asks princess celestia about who really are the sirens. And how they came to be equestria's second greatest threat.
Some things might just be better not to know.
(THIS STORY HAS ULTIMATELY FAILED ME. IM NOT GONNA DO ANY MORE CAUSE I REALISED I AM A BETTER READER THEN A STORYTELLER. But seriously though, what on earth happened? I don't remember typing the description up there.)
Chapters (1)
I will laugh so hard if 'X is secretly a siren' becomes the new 'X is secretly a changeling.'
This story moves at too fast a pace, but most of all IT NEEDS TO BE PROOFREAD!
That was certainly... something.
Okay, so what are my problems here? Well, it's relatively simple, actually:
1: the story goes way too fast. Nothing is given time to be fleshed out before something new is brought up. Because of how fast you're going, it's hard to even keep up with what is happening, let alone get immersed. Try fleshing your scenes out more. Add more detail. Describe everything that happened more slowly. Just take your time and enjoy the story.
2: The plot is... confusing. The story is already expecting us to buy a lot of new info right out of the gate, what with Celestia apparently being a siren and all, but the story does nothing to help ease us into it. It just expects us to buy it, without answering things like, I dunno, where are the other two sirens? Is Luna one of them? Why did they banish clones to the EQG universe? How on earth did they keep this a mystery for over a thousand years?? You can't just expect us to buy something that actively contradicts canon like that! If you're going to make this, try making it clear to the audience why things are the way they are first, before just rushing in expecting us to buy it.
3: The grammar is bad. I added it to my group for a reason. I recommend getting an editor.
4: What in the name of Starswirl's 6th Spell is up with Twilight? She's acting like she's completely insane! I understand that she would be shocked to discover this, as anypony would be, but Twilight's reaction wouldn't immediately be 'execute her on the spot!' I'm not sure if you're trying to make Twilight the villain here or what, but it doesn't work given what we know about Twilight. Try to keep your characters in character, unless there is a logical reason why they aren't their normal selves.
Ultimately, this story just doesn't work. Its pacing is far too fast, it doesn't make any logical sense, the characters are out of character, and the grammar is pretty weak. Here's my advice: read some fanfiction. Take a look at what some of the more highly rated Dark/Sad stories do to build up an atmosphere. Learn how those stories pace themselves, how they are structured, and how they get the audience engaged. The more you read, the more you'll learn, and the more you learn, the better you'll write.
I hope you find this helpful in some way, shape, or form. If you have any questions, feel free to ask me to elaborate. Cheers
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Now,
How In Celestia's sun do you find a editor?
And good thing you helped me there. Anyway my only question is how to you find an editor. I want to make this story better.
For the plot,
I need twilight as a insane person.
I need an idea on where the other sirens could be or like the Luna is one of them idea.
Major spoiler:
the clones actually tricked star swirl to banish them. All adagio did was create clones then sent them out to equestria so that nopony knows about the Celestia is a siren thing. Now for how they became princesses? I need ideas.
And thanks for the NEW pony word:
How in starswirls 6th spell! Lol!
Thanks again! :)
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There are several groups on this very site who are specifically dedicated to editing. All you have to do is go to the groups bar that's on the top of your screen. After clicking on that, there should be a bar on the right of the screen that'll allow you to search for whatever sort of group you please. Just type in the word editor, search it and you get several groups to choose from. Choose a group, and follow the rules they give, and I'm sure you'll be able to find an editor! Have just a few link examples:
Looking for Editors
Overly Extensive Editors
Editors-R-Us
However, if even that doesn't get you results, a good first step would be doing it the old fashioned way, in which you copy-paste the chapter into a Microsoft word document. Granted, the document wouldn't catch every single grammatical error, and it would consider some of the pony names as incorrectly spelled (looking at you, Fluttershy.
), but it would be a good first step towards editing, since it would show you where some incorrect capitalization, misspelled words, or unfinished ellipses may be lurking. If nothing else, it would get rid of some of the more glaring grammatical errors, which would help make it easier for readers to get invested.
Well... I have to ask: why exactly does it have to be Twilight who's insane, as opposed to a different character? Why exactly couldn't it be, I dunno, let's just say a random guard OC who sees this, and ends up going to these extreme lengths? Why does it have to be Twilight?
As for how to make Twilight believably insane, that's pretty damn tricky. While I would admit that Twilight seeing that Celestia was actually one of her past enemies would make her fairly aggressive, the response here came off as over the top, and rather sudden. At the very least, I feel Twilight would've at least listened to what Celestia-dagio here had to say before sending her over for a public execution. The best reccommendation I can come up with, assuming that it absolutely has to be Twilight as the main nutcase, is to have her listen to what Celestia was saying more. Rather than dismiss it all as lies immediatly, show us the points. Show us Celestia trying to explain. Have Twilight listen to the points Celestia makes, but have her be unable to believe them after all of the points Celestia/Adagio makes have been said. After hearing them all, she thinks it over for a moment, then decides that she's certain Adagio is lying. That would've at least made more sense given what we know about Twilight's personality, and it would've allowed some better explanation for how all of this is happening.
It's your story, but one possibility could be that they're actually disguised as various ponies. If Celestia was one, it's possible that the other alicorns could also be sirens as well. Or, hell, maybe they don't even have to be alicorns, but perhaps they're distinguishable by having powers that are beyond what a normal pony could do. (Example: it could be possible that a character like Starlight Glimmer could be one, due to her abilities being beyond what any unicorn we've seen is capable of. In addition, she already looks a lot like Aria as is, so maybe physical appearance could play a role? Who knows?)
And... I am very confused. This entire thing feels like a confusing alternate lore straight out of the Pony Theorists. However, just in case, let's take this apart: does that mean that in this story, Starswirl was around even before the princesses were, y'know, actually princesses? Okay, let's assume that there's nothing in the timeline that contradicts this, even though there probably is: how could they be disguised as princesses? I don't know. Unfortunately, that's one of the hard parts to being a writer: you have to figure out a way to explain everything in your story logically. However, I'll just give an idea: perhaps the Sirens, after gaining enough negative energy from a certain type of individual, could somewhat mimic the abilities of said individual? So, potentially, if they got enough negative energy from say, I dunno, the Changelings, they could mimic the Changelings ability to disguise themselves as other life forms? I don't know.
There you go, I've tried to give an idea for every point made. However, ultimately, it's your choice what you do with it. Just for future reference: make sure you have the story pretty well planned out before you start writing it, K? It might make things easier for ya. Cheers