When Spike and Twilight spend some time together after announcing their feelings to each other, Twilight learns something about Spike's body that she never knew when things get closer...
Wait wait wait! What the actual fuck?! she PLANNED this?! Do you have any idea how unethical this is?! First of all, she basically tricks Spike into doing it, and why he isn't pissed about being decieved like that I'll never know. And second, she is trying to bring a child into the world, JUST TO SEE IF SHE CAN?! Oh, and the other Princesses are all fine with this?! Really?!
6522729I tried an "angry version" with Spike flipping his shit, but it didn't really seem to fit too well since he basically agreed in chapter 2 to go along with breeding her and in 3 to having it recorded, regardless of the outcome. I tried to convey that it wasn't strictly science in chapter 3, but I guess that didn't carry over well? Also also, I implied this "experiment" was all decided AFTER Twi and Spike fell in love, and that it was all based around inducing and recording something that was going to already happen naturally eventually anyways with optimized probabilities (with Twi seducing Spike at the top of her fertility instead of things going along and happening eventually, possibly when she isn't fertile.)
So all and all no, it's not strictly "can he get me pregnant?", It's "can we have children together, and help further science in the process?" It's all a matter of perspective.
6522426 6522478 It becomes something that we shall call... Erotica!
After such a reaction Twilight was hesitant How could they possible....have foals The though alone nearly made his tip peak out And besides, It was better to have
1. Extra spacing. 2. Possibly. 3. Thought, Peek. 4. Extra capitalisation.
6522789 Spike simply comes across as a very unequal partner in all this, so passive as to simply go along with whatever she has planned. He was obviously *very* reluctant to have it recorded in the first place:
"I donno about recording our first time Twilight, even if it is for science. I mean, isn't this kinda thing supposed to only be between a mare and a stallion...though I guess in this case a mare and a...a drake? Doesn't recording it just, I don't know, make it seem... I don't know, wrong to you?"
Her subsequent plea to continue makes no mention of her planning beforehand, nor the fact that she planned to send copies out immediately. She knew it was a lie of omission:
She obviously felt some hesitance at what she was about to do, knowing what the vessel contained, but also knew her own feelings couldn't get in the way of scientific progress. Besides, she'd have to tell them all eventually anyways if all went as she planned it might...
....After that was done, Twilight obviously felt some regret of going against Spike's initial wishes, of showing their most intimate of times to others, but progress must be had.
"Progress" seems to take precedence over everything else. Unfair to say? Perhaps, but was there a particular reason why she couldn't discuss or even *inform* him of her sending the copies out before doing so? Why the subterfuge? Considering he simply acquiesces to everything else, there was no reason to believe she couldn't have simply convinced him to go along with it even if he objected. You may not be intending to, but this can get very dark: 'sexy times' is little justification if the obviously dominant partner puts ambition and "progress" over the feelings of their partner.
Also:
After she'd asked, the guard got wide-eyed and told her that Luna had literally telekinetically lifted him from his post, stripped him of his armor, slammed him on her bed on his back, and had sexually ridden him until he'd climaxed three times in her, only releasing him when she couldn't get him erect again, then claiming she needed 'Another stallion. Now.'.
1st Apple Jack and Trenderhoof NOW Twilight and MY Spikey Wikey! I didn't say we don't need another 'test' subject. Me me me me me Me two! form a line my little ponies Woooo hoooo
6523418 To all of your comments about Twi being a scheming, conniving mare, apparently that's how it came across. Perhaps I should change it to be a more voluntary exchange by Spike and Twi? I...do think I should. Horrible storytelling, ho!
As for the Luna raping the Guard thing... who said it was involuntary? Did you read the second part?
When asked if he wanted to report it officially, the guard had shaken his head, following it with a chuckle. "I just got laid by royalty 'til I couldn't cum anymore. Who the hay would complain about that?!" It mentioned nothing about 'being raped'.
65234186522729 I decided to include the part of the chapter I'd originally excluded because it seemed 'out of place', as well as changing the ordering of some sequences, making Spike a much more active member of the situation.
I hope this comes across as more desirable, and doesn't make Twi seem like a horrible, conniving mare who only cares about scientific progress and nothing else.
Comment posted by LegionofPony deleted Oct 14th, 2015
6524624 I really don't think you meant to put her forth as a "scheming, conniving mare" but from a character standpoint, what was the reason for Twilight's actions? She apparently thought this out, plotted a course of action and carried it out without letting Spike in on it before-hand. Why? What in the character of Twilight Sparkle would indicate she'd do this? Either it's meant to be an OOC Twilight who was motivated by "Progress" as I described, or really not thought out ahead of time as the author....I'm leaning toward the latter:
Perhaps I should change it to be a more voluntary exchange by Spike and Twi?
Should the experiment, taping, sharing, and pregnancy been a more voluntary exchange between the two people involved.....yes, yes it should. Unless you were going for a darker story or pointless smut, this shouldn't have been a question.
As for the Luna raping the Guard thing... who said it was involuntary? Did you read the second part? When asked if he wanted to report it officially, the guard had shaken his head, following it with a chuckle. "I just got laid by royalty 'til I couldn't cum anymore. Who the hay would complain about that?!" It mentioned nothing about 'being raped'.
Do me a quick favor: Inverse the genders of those involved. Imagine that Prince Luna took a female guard and
literally telekinetically lifted (her) from (her) post, stripped (her) of (her) armor, slammed (her) on (his) bed on (her) back, and had sexually ridden (her) until he'd climaxed three times in her, only releasing (her) when she couldn't get him erect again, then claiming (he) needed 'Another (mare). Now.'.
Comes across a little different, doesn't it? Would the fact that said female came (no pun intended) to enjoy it afterwards change the fact that she was grabbed, stripped, screwed, then disposed of in favor of another? Again, just because it happens to a male, doesn't change the act.
Still hate Twicunt, even in this edited version. As for Spike telling Twicunt to prove that she really does love him, doing and saying what she did doesn't prove anything. Doing everything she did behind Spike's back, I'd have beaten shit out of all the princesses and then left Equestria.
6524757 Now THAT'S more like it! This story started off as being about love and now it is again! I like the 'angry Spike' part, it's much more believable, and passionate. I kind of feel bad for pushing an author into editing a story, but you did say that this was how it was originally, so I guess technically I pushed you to un-edit it. Still, this is much better.
6524852 I'm sorry you feel that way, I personally think that this is a huge improvement, although I can see what you mean. On their own, her actions to prove her love don't mean squat. But they are backed up by a lifetime of love and trust. Spike knows her, and has known her his whole life. It's true that some people can be very convincing when faking emotions, but this is unlikely to be the case. Spike has trusted and loved her his whole life in one capacity or another, to not trust her now would be throwing away years of trust. If this were a newer relationship Spike had gotten into in the last few months or a year and the mare treated him like this but then apologized, I'd be right there with you. But I think this is a wonderful expression of trust and love. Yes Twilight made a somewhat selfish choice, but I can see her motives now and I'd have forgiven her too.
6524808 This comes across much closer to what I think you were going for.
I hope you don't feel as though I was ragging on you or coming down too hard and I certainly didn't want to push a 'change it to what I like' vibe. I love the story, the premise, and (apart from Twilight's original methodology) the relationship between the two characters.
The physical scenes are well done and the reactions of the princesses fun and humorous (apart from Luna's original.....aggression, but that's a personal pet-peeve of mine). The premise of Twilight and Spike evolving from a mother/son relationship to an intimate one is promising. Same can be said for the inevitable trials and tribulations involved with a hybrid child whose mere possibility was one of near-myth. It's a wonderful story that, in my opinion, really needs to have the two main characters going through it in a positive way.
The drama of 'original' Twilight's motivation/methodology, especially so early on, distracted from the story itself. It wasn't what you intended to get across, but the flow for the reader derailed from the intended plot to that of characterization. Even if you want Twilight to be motivated by "Progress", from a storytelling standpoint, it was put forth much too early. If it was revealed much later that she planned all this as an experiment, but eventually changed her mind and decided not to publish/share her 'findings' due to a change of heart, it would have made for a large and tragic twist. But it would have had much more character development behind it and would be easier to handle. But overall, I think the way it is written now, is for the best: it raises the issue as drama, develops both character's feelings on the matter. and resolves it so that the plot can move forward.
This became more long-winded than intended, apologies. So TL/DR: Thank you for taking the critic as honest critic. Hope it didn't come across as unfair or overly harsh. Looking forward to more.
65250006525099 I'm just glad everyone's happy now, and my story doesn't seem like Twilight is some Nazi-like experimenter who only cares about progress, no matter the cost.
I must say, please make an extended chapter that includes the pregnancy and the trials spike and twilight face during it. Plus maybe even as a joke, Luna and that one royal GAURD get married
6574280 I'm glad you liked it. I intentionally wanted to make the 'recording' of it seem awkward and out of place, and to 'break the mood' a bit the same way for the reader as it did for Spike.
However, I'm really glad you liked the knotting aspect of it, as it's one of my fetishes as well. I just think that being bonded to a partner like that during such an intimate time would be amazing.
6566911 Well, I planned on taking this story on a couple more chapters. I don't want to over-extend it to the point of running out of good ideas like I did with another of my stories...
I found myself questioning a physical, non-magic-activated recorder producing a hologram, but I prefer when a fic will use technology without explaining it. I mean, they have technology and magic, so unless explaining it is important to the story, it's better left alone.
I don't understand how sending a recording of her pretending to do science while being fucked is necessary. Heck, it's horrible science to participate in your own experiment, so I refuse to accept she did it for science. Nothing about this is logical.
The porn is alright, but the reasoning baffles me.
This was simply too hot and exotic to not enjoy... "Yeah Spike, give it to her hard..." Celestia caught herself whispering as she levitated the dong to her entrance, before shoving it in hard; "OOOOOOOH yeah..."
Even though the reasoning behind everything makes little sense, this is pretty funny.
From a logic point of view i fail to see the need for Twilight to send the tape's. True in the story they serve as scenes of comedy as the other Princess's masturbate to them, but from a story perspective there is no reason for Twilight to send them other then to give the Princess's fap material. Everything important about Spike breeding her could have been explain in a simple letter.
It starts off for science then it becomes something more.
6522426 But of course!
Eh. Nearing the end of the chapter, was kinda hoping Celestia and Luna were gonna volunteer to join Twilight.
That was fun, may I have another? Looking forward to more.
Keep up the good work. Deus tecum.
6522682 Heh.
Wait wait wait! What the actual fuck?! she PLANNED this?! Do you have any idea how unethical this is?! First of all, she basically tricks Spike into doing it, and why he isn't pissed about being decieved like that I'll never know. And second, she is trying to bring a child into the world, JUST TO SEE IF SHE CAN?! Oh, and the other Princesses are all fine with this?! Really?!
6522729 I tried an "angry version" with Spike flipping his shit, but it didn't really seem to fit too well since he basically agreed in chapter 2 to go along with breeding her and in 3 to having it recorded, regardless of the outcome. I tried to convey that it wasn't strictly science in chapter 3, but I guess that didn't carry over well? Also also, I implied this "experiment" was all decided AFTER Twi and Spike fell in love, and that it was all based around inducing and recording something that was going to already happen naturally eventually anyways with optimized probabilities (with Twi seducing Spike at the top of her fertility instead of things going along and happening eventually, possibly when she isn't fertile.)
So all and all no, it's not strictly "can he get me pregnant?", It's "can we have children together, and help further science in the process?" It's all a matter of perspective.
6522426
6522478
It becomes something that we shall call... Erotica!
After such a reaction Twilight was hesitant
How could they possible....have foals
The though alone nearly made his tip peak out
And besides, It was better to have
1. Extra spacing.
2. Possibly.
3. Thought, Peek.
4. Extra capitalisation.
But how are their friends going to say?
6522789
Spike simply comes across as a very unequal partner in all this, so passive as to simply go along with whatever she has planned.
He was obviously *very* reluctant to have it recorded in the first place:
Her subsequent plea to continue makes no mention of her planning beforehand, nor the fact that she planned to send copies out immediately. She knew it was a lie of omission:
"Progress" seems to take precedence over everything else. Unfair to say? Perhaps, but was there a particular reason why she couldn't discuss or even *inform* him of her sending the copies out before doing so? Why the subterfuge? Considering he simply acquiesces to everything else, there was no reason to believe she couldn't have simply convinced him to go along with it even if he objected. You may not be intending to, but this can get very dark: 'sexy times' is little justification if the obviously dominant partner puts ambition and "progress" over the feelings of their partner.
Also:
LOL, aggressive non-consentual sex is humorous when done to a guy.
I find myself curious how much magical power a Dragon-Alicorn Kirin could possess? This story has been good so far, I'm curious to see how it goes.
1st Apple Jack and Trenderhoof NOW Twilight and MY Spikey Wikey!
I didn't say we don't need another 'test' subject.
Me me me me me
Me two!
form a line my little ponies
Woooo hoooo
img13.deviantart.net/4ffc/i/2015/278/0/3/spikes_two_gems_by_hillbe-d9c40v1.jpg
6523418 To all of your comments about Twi being a scheming, conniving mare, apparently that's how it came across. Perhaps I should change it to be a more voluntary exchange by Spike and Twi? I...do think I should. Horrible storytelling, ho!
As for the Luna raping the Guard thing... who said it was involuntary? Did you read the second part?
When asked if he wanted to report it officially, the guard had shaken his head, following it with a chuckle. "I just got laid by royalty 'til I couldn't cum anymore. Who the hay would complain about that?!" It mentioned nothing about 'being raped'.
6523451 Since dragons are very magical by nature as are alicorns; It is most likely a kirin would be unfathomably powerful.
6523418 6522729 I decided to include the part of the chapter I'd originally excluded because it seemed 'out of place', as well as changing the ordering of some sequences, making Spike a much more active member of the situation.
I hope this comes across as more desirable, and doesn't make Twi seem like a horrible, conniving mare who only cares about scientific progress and nothing else.
6524624 I really don't think you meant to put her forth as a "scheming, conniving mare" but from a character standpoint, what was the reason for Twilight's actions? She apparently thought this out, plotted a course of action and carried it out without letting Spike in on it before-hand. Why? What in the character of Twilight Sparkle would indicate she'd do this? Either it's meant to be an OOC Twilight who was motivated by "Progress" as I described, or really not thought out ahead of time as the author....I'm leaning toward the latter:
Should the experiment, taping, sharing, and pregnancy been a more voluntary exchange between the two people involved.....yes, yes it should. Unless you were going for a darker story or pointless smut, this shouldn't have been a question.
Do me a quick favor: Inverse the genders of those involved. Imagine that Prince Luna took a female guard and
Comes across a little different, doesn't it? Would the fact that said female came (no pun intended) to enjoy it afterwards change the fact that she was grabbed, stripped, screwed, then disposed of in favor of another? Again, just because it happens to a male, doesn't change the act.
6524767 I totally changed the chapter, and modded the Luna sequence to be less 'rape-y'.
Still hate Twicunt, even in this edited version. As for Spike telling Twicunt to prove that she really does love him, doing and saying what she did doesn't prove anything. Doing everything she did behind Spike's back, I'd have beaten shit out of all the princesses and then left Equestria.
Here's some bits for the newer bits added in.
seeing his expression one of deep though
A while late, the kiss was ended
1. Thought.
2. Later.
6524757 Now THAT'S more like it! This story started off as being about love and now it is again! I like the 'angry Spike' part, it's much more believable, and passionate. I kind of feel bad for pushing an author into editing a story, but you did say that this was how it was originally, so I guess technically I pushed you to un-edit it. Still, this is much better.
6524852 I'm sorry you feel that way, I personally think that this is a huge improvement, although I can see what you mean. On their own, her actions to prove her love don't mean squat. But they are backed up by a lifetime of love and trust. Spike knows her, and has known her his whole life. It's true that some people can be very convincing when faking emotions, but this is unlikely to be the case. Spike has trusted and loved her his whole life in one capacity or another, to not trust her now would be throwing away years of trust. If this were a newer relationship Spike had gotten into in the last few months or a year and the mare treated him like this but then apologized, I'd be right there with you. But I think this is a wonderful expression of trust and love. Yes Twilight made a somewhat selfish choice, but I can see her motives now and I'd have forgiven her too.
6524808 This comes across much closer to what I think you were going for.
I hope you don't feel as though I was ragging on you or coming down too hard and I certainly didn't want to push a 'change it to what I like' vibe.
I love the story, the premise, and (apart from Twilight's original methodology) the relationship between the two characters.
The physical scenes are well done and the reactions of the princesses fun and humorous (apart from Luna's original.....aggression, but that's a personal pet-peeve of mine). The premise of Twilight and Spike evolving from a mother/son relationship to an intimate one is promising. Same can be said for the inevitable trials and tribulations involved with a hybrid child whose mere possibility was one of near-myth. It's a wonderful story that, in my opinion, really needs to have the two main characters going through it in a positive way.
The drama of 'original' Twilight's motivation/methodology, especially so early on, distracted from the story itself. It wasn't what you intended to get across, but the flow for the reader derailed from the intended plot to that of characterization. Even if you want Twilight to be motivated by "Progress", from a storytelling standpoint, it was put forth much too early. If it was revealed much later that she planned all this as an experiment, but eventually changed her mind and decided not to publish/share her 'findings' due to a change of heart, it would have made for a large and tragic twist. But it would have had much more character development behind it and would be easier to handle. But overall, I think the way it is written now, is for the best: it raises the issue as drama, develops both character's feelings on the matter. and resolves it so that the plot can move forward.
This became more long-winded than intended, apologies.
So TL/DR: Thank you for taking the critic as honest critic. Hope it didn't come across as unfair or overly harsh. Looking forward to more.
6525000 6525099 I'm just glad everyone's happy now, and my story doesn't seem like Twilight is some Nazi-like experimenter who only cares about progress, no matter the cost.
6525544 Hee hee. Sexperimenter.
*cough* Right then. Good update. Looking forwards to more of this story.
So thanks for that.
6533644 I'm glad! Enjoy!
6552778 I'm happy everypony likes my story! :D
I must say, please make an extended chapter that includes the pregnancy and the trials spike and twilight face during it. Plus maybe even as a joke, Luna and that one royal GAURD get married
6574280 I'm glad you liked it. I intentionally wanted to make the 'recording' of it seem awkward and out of place, and to 'break the mood' a bit the same way for the reader as it did for Spike.
However, I'm really glad you liked the knotting aspect of it, as it's one of my fetishes as well. I just think that being bonded to a partner like that during such an intimate time would be amazing.
...and I'm also glad you like the story too!
6566911 Well, I planned on taking this story on a couple more chapters. I don't want to over-extend it to the point of running out of good ideas like I did with another of my stories...
So, we'll see what happens!
This is pretty good.
I found myself questioning a physical, non-magic-activated recorder producing a hologram, but I prefer when a fic will use technology without explaining it. I mean, they have technology and magic, so unless explaining it is important to the story, it's better left alone.
6621145 Thank you for the comment, and I'm glad you liked the story.
6670327 will do, though really an alicorn is technically known as a winged unicorn as well.
I feel like you should have broken this chapter into 2 parts and held onto that suspense of "will Spike forgive her?" you know?
6687402 I think you have a point, and I probably should cuz that's an awesome idea! Thanks for that, and you will, of course, be credited for it!
I don't understand how sending a recording of her pretending to do science while being fucked is necessary. Heck, it's horrible science to participate in your own experiment, so I refuse to accept she did it for science. Nothing about this is logical.
The porn is alright, but the reasoning baffles me.
Even though the reasoning behind everything makes little sense, this is pretty funny.
Well, I guess royal guards double as sex slaves.
From a logic point of view i fail to see the need for Twilight to send the tape's. True in the story they serve as scenes of comedy as the other Princess's masturbate to them, but from a story perspective there is no reason for Twilight to send them other then to give the Princess's fap material. Everything important about Spike breeding her could have been explain in a simple letter.
6705711
what would be the fun in that