Luna vs. a Tiny Italian Car

by totallynotabrony

Chapter 4

August 7, 2015
Luna came over, seriousness etched on her face. “Sandy, I cannot locate the others.”

“What do you mean, Luna?”

As I said her name, Maria gave a little jump, suddenly realizing the princess was standing there. I guessed that was going to be a common thing.

“Celestia was supposed to be at this event,” said Luna, gesturing to the stage. “In addition, I could not locate Cadance or Twilight.”

“What could have happened?” I asked.

“I have felt a mysterious energy coming from below. We must investigate.”

“What happened to Gary or any of the other coordinators?” I said.

“They are missing. You are the only one I could locate, Sandy.”

Well, if she insisted. Nervously, I got up. So did Maria. Neither of us was armed, but I did feel safer with her beside me. We went with Luna.

She stared with suspicion at the escalators to the lower floors before spreading her wings and gliding down. Maria and I hurried after her.

We went down four floors. I thought I felt a rumbling beneath my feet.

“Quickly,” urged Luna. “They must be close.”

We passed a sign for Exhibit Hall G: Hoof Beatz’s Underground Jam. By now, I could feel the rumbling.

“Luna, wait-”

She slammed open the door and we were assaulted by electronic music, lasers, and smoke. And in the middle of it all were three princesses and about a thousand bronies.

Luna stopped mid-charge, her jaw dropping.

There was a record skip and the music came to an abrupt halt. Celestia glanced around. “Aha, there’s Luna!”

The entire room turned to look and broke into a thunderous cheer over the latest guest.

Well, if that was how it was going to go, we waded in. Raves really weren't mine or Maria's scene, but it was a good place to people- and pony-watch.

Luna still seemed a little miffed. Apparently everyone had assumed someone else had told her about the party.

That was understandable. They were all focused on Oh em gee, ponies aye ar ell!

Hours later, the news was echoing around the world. Ponies were in fact real; they were visiting Baltimore, USA; and Twilight was just as terrible a dancer as the show showed.

When we came out of the convention center that evening, the place was ringed with barriers and bystanders. Some had come to see the princesses, some were there to protest against aliens, some were handing out mixtapes. Sure enough, the National Guard had shown up to stand between them and us.

The princesses stepped out of the convention center, though kept close to the doors. They waved diplomatically. Some people cheered. Some hurled slurs.

A photographer who had credentials or had otherwise gotten on the this side of the barrier raised a camera. I started to move out of the way, but he was too quick in snapping the picture, the flash blinding me.

And that was the photo that went on the front cover of the next day’s Baltimore Sun: the four royal ponies looking graceful and poised, and me in the foreground wearing a derp face.

The internet picked it up. I became memes. People learned my name and I was bombarded on all sides with requests for interviews, comments on my work, and questions on my fetishes.

That only took like two hours.

The next day at the convention, I was a little more horse famous than before. I guess I was okay with that, but it was a strange feeling being recognized on sight. Apparently the newspaper had sold the photo and it was being used on everything from CNN to Buzzfeed.

That only took like four hours.

I became dank memes. Fame sucks.

I went to a few panels, but it was getting weird. People were following me around. I saw the princesses in passing. At least they had larger crowds.

By Sunday night, I’d pretty much barricaded myself in the hotel room. I’d stopped checking my messages because it was nothing I wanted to hear. Maria brought me takeout and I watched TV.

At least we would be on our way back home in the morning. Then I’d only have to deal with friends and coworkers making fun of me. This sudden revelation about the whole MLP thing was something I had been denying for a while. In public, I've always pretended that I'm totally not a brony.

As I lay on the bed like a potato, I turned my head to check the time, rolling back to look at the TV. Adult Swim was on. Robot Chicken was making fun of MLP.

I’m not going to lie, I was kinda getting kind of tired of ponies.

So when there was a frantic hammering on the door, followed by whoever it was giving up and just blowing it open, I was not thrilled to learn that it was Luna.

Of course, I was a little surprised by the whole splintered door thing and jumped up from the bed screaming expletives and waving around my 1911.

Hey, you can’t blame me. I was on edge. Besides, Maria totally responded the same way.

Luna was apparently on a mission and also had absolutely no idea what handguns were. She got straight to the point. “I require your assistance immediately!”

Maria and I traded glances. “With what?” I said.

Someone from a nearby room poked their head around the door frame. Luna glanced over her shoulder and slammed the door. I thought I heard a vague “Ow!” from the other side.

Luna crossed the room to us, her voice coming down, but the intensity still on her face. “Celestia has gone missing.”

“Where did she go?” I asked.

“If I knew, I would not be here!”

Pow, right in the kisser. I cringed. “Okay, what do you want us to do? Don’t you have some sort of tracking spell? Can’t Twilight and Cadance help?”

“The spell failed and the others have gone home,” Luna replied. “Though not in that order. They two returned to enable further negotiations while I stayed to search for Celestia assuming she had slept late with no solar duties to attend to on this planet. However, her room was empty and I do not believe it was without foul play, for you see, the bedcovers were tousled and towels were all over the bathing room!”

“I’d be surprised if she didn’t sleep in the bed or take a shower,” Maria deadpanned.

“Yeah, maybe the maid service just hadn’t been there yet,” I added.

Luna’s eyes cut back and forth, considering it. “But where could my sister have gone?!”

That was a problem. “Let me see if I can find out.”

At least my sudden huge influx of internet attention came with, well, attention. I posted a blog asking if anyone had recently seen Celestia. Within a minute, I had a whole lot of nopes from people all over Baltimore.

“Well, I can tell you where she isn’t,” I said.

Luna glowered at me. “If she was nearby, the location spell would have worked. I know she isn’t here.”

“Alright, but if you can’t find her, what do you want us to do? You know your sister better than I do.”

Luna took a breath. “We cannot allow her disappearance to affect the politics of the meeting of the two worlds. We must find her - quickly! - without involving your government or mine.”

“Can we tell Cadance and Twilight?”

Luna paused, but shook her head. “Let us not worry them just yet. They have important business.”

“Okay, but you still haven’t answered the question. What do we do?”

Luna hesitated again, and Maria suggested, “What about taking a look at her room?”

Well, at the least it would feel like we were doing something and maybe reassure Luna. We left our room. I grimaced at the way the lock was torn out of the door. “Hey, who’s paying for your stay here? Any chance they could put this on their bill?”

“You’re worried about money at a time like this?” Luna glared.

“Well excuse me, princess, I only have a limited supply.”

The condescension in my voice either went over her head or she was too focused to notice.

The princesses had been given a block of rooms on a different floor. We made it to Celestia’s without anyone seeing us. That was fine with me.

The room was slept in and bathed in. I glanced around and then leaned against the wall and crossed my arms. Maria, who watched a lot of CSI, at least made the effort of carefully looking around.

I took my phone out of my pocket and checked my blog again. And then I dropped it and it broke.

Maria heard the screen shatter and looked at me.

I said, “Someone spotted her in Philadelphia. With Tirek.” Only I said it with a whole lot of panicked flailing.

Comments

[RoboRed]

So THAT'S how things can go bad in a hurry...

[Fireheart 1945]

Oh boy...

[Chicago Ted]

I became dank memes.

[The Spy of the Tiger]

I became dank memes.

Ah, yes. In all my years, I have realized that I was born too early to explore the gallexy, and too late to explore the world, I subsist by exploring on!y the dankest of dank memes, some of which straight from the Phillips CDI. Speaking of which,

"Well excuse me, princess, I only have a limited supply.”
The condescension in my voice either went over her head or she was too focused to notice.

Did you think that you could actually slip that by a professional dank memer such as myself?

[Razalon The Lizardman]

In public, I've always pretended that I'm totally not a brony.

i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/000/681/what-you-did-there-i-see-it.thumbnail.jpg

[KyleeTheShinyStealer]

Oh yeah, Tireks about to get some ass whooping now!

[Herald of Opera]

Some hurled slurs.

Well, they sounded like they were trying to be slurs. Stuff like that hasn't had time to solidify yet.