A human named Brandon ended up in Equestria and has to stop a evil side of a pony to save the good side of her...
Chapters (8)
EAtrooper
Joined 25th Apr, 2012 ·
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I'm sorry, but there are so many mistakes in this.
1. Spelling.
2. Pacing is faster than the Indy 500.
3. 100 words isn't a chapter, its a paragraph. Don't try to make each paragraph a chapter.
4. I'll let everyone else comment, but these are my main issues.
(A.N:this is my first fanfic writing so I hope you guys like this)
Well alright Mr.Author I'll try my best
(A.N: Well...... this is what I have done so far and this is my first fanfic writing.... I hope you Bronys and Pegasisters like this so far....)
Okay, but your second and first chapters were a little short, so I'm a little skeptical at the moment Mr.Author.
(A.N: Well sorry if Rainbow doesn't sound like herself. And Applejack too.)
Wait, if you know that they don't sound like themselves why didn't you go back and change that? They didn't seem too off to me Mr.Author
Well, at the end of the story I can tell that you tried your utmost best to make this a good story, but I'm afraid you're going to have to deal with the large amounts of red thumbs you're about to get (ugh, some people).
I think you should brush up on your grammar and spelling, and just keep at it. It's a learning process and this is only your first try, so don't be discouraged by the mounds of downvotes you're about to get. Of course, don't think this means that you should just go on writing the same way you did here, try to progress if you want to continue. There's plenty of helpful resources on the internet that can help you with your writing. Try writing longer chapters with slower pace, formatting the text in a more readable fashion, and improving the grammar. Good luck if you plan to continue.
Learning is what's good. By all means, continue. Starting a story, only to leave it dangling in the air, unfinished, is the reason why authors with great potential usually never get noticed. Take your time, and write only when you feel like it. Get into a comfort zone to where you can work in peace and without interruption.
Good luck to you.
-Hivemind
fc01.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2011/246/8/4/rainbow_dash_facehoof_vector_by_crimsonbristle-d48s7c2.png
Holy smokes, man. Learn the following:
-Spelling
-Originality
-Pacing
-Natural dialogue
-Characterization
-Descriptions
I didn't even know what was going on for most of the story. You provide absolutely no background or setup for your scenes.
very good so far
.......
Okay....I have no idea how this got through. I like the idea of the story, and I have an idea of what you're alluding to, but you need to run this through spellcheck about..Oh I don't know...100 times? Seriously, you need an editor, or at least longer chapters. There are groups that handle that sort of thing. So just submit the story and get some help. Also, you might want to change the name of the story. By the time I finished that sixth chapter, I was thinking 'Time to end this' except not as in Pinkimena. I meant the story. At this rate, if the story remains like this, it might be time to end this...story. 
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lk871hFmUa1qbmjeb.gif
1. spelling
2. grammar
3. pacing
Learn these and we'll talk.
IM COMEING FOR YOU EARLY i1253.photobucket.com/albums/hh586/Sydbo/GrimReaper_9.jpg
Well.....hello..........I will try......omg....im..terrible...'
'
AND you are able to find me at Youtube and my name is still the same thing.....sigh.....this is EAtrooper...........'
'sigh....
Reading this in a robot voice made the experience a lot more enjoyable.
Yes, this story is terrible. The fact that this is your first time writing doesn't excuse the bad quality, but that's not a bad thing. People rarely ever turn out masterpieces on their first go.
In terms of how you can fix your story, I think the good people above me hit the nail on the head. But I'm going to throw my own thoughts into the hat.
1) Spelling and Grammer. Spell check is your friend. Use it. Also, give your work to an editor so they can catch all the gramatical mistakes that you can't see for yourself. One thing that particularly bugged me is your inconsistant tenses. past tense, present tense, pick one for a sentence and stick with it. For example, when Brandon seen Twilight, I read that as 'he had saw her once before'. That's past tense. 'Brandon saw twilight' is better because not only is it present tense, it also sounds more natural. The only way you could get away with something like this is if the character actually spoke like that. On a related note, don't put an action between asterisks. *sigh* may fly for a script format, but it's jarring in a narritive format. writing "he sighed" instead of *sigh* is a simple yet effective way to improve the story. Also, an elipses is there periods. ... like that. No more, no less.
2) Pacing. No one likes a story that moves too fast or too slow. This story moves way too fast because each chapter is disjointed. I'd like to say that's because each chapter is incredibly short, but it's entirely possible for a five thousand word one shot story to have fast pacing. To fix this, focus on a couple of elements: What is the character doing? Where is the character right now? Is the character accompanied by anyone? How do these things make the character feel? What is the character thinking? Focus on what's going on in the story so that your audience doesn't feel underwhelmed. However, don't dwell too much on this sort of thing, or you could have slow pacing. This will leave the audience with an overwhelmed feeling. Find a happy middle.
3) The premise. I have a natural prejudice for human storys, but I'm going to put that aside to look at the story. Quite frankly, it's boring and all over the place, and the incredibly fast pacing does not help at all. What was Brandon looking for in the second chapter that no one was able to help him with before the plot device transported him to Equestria? Why are all the other ponies so accepting of this foreign creature who appeared out of nowhere? I could understand Pinkie Pie being so quick to accept Brandon, but not Twilight. What is the story's reason for sending Brandon to Ponyville exactly? Is it to escape his depression? Is it because he wants to warn Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash about Cupcakes? Long story short, nothing really makes sense and each chapter seems to exist as it's own entry without any sort of connection with the pervious chapter...well, with the exception of the first couple of chapters. Also, the story itself isn't very original. Boy is teleported to Equestria where he gets to meet all of his favorite ponies. I feel like I've read at least five other stories with that same premise.
Also, as an after thought, if you feel you're potraying characters the wrong way, don't tell us you're sorry for making them a little OOC. Go back and fix it until you feel you've got it. Acknowledging your problems does not solve them.
Something you did right? You somehow knew that the authors note always goes before or after a story, and not during it.
It was a valiant effort, but you turned out a crap story. Don't let that discourage you though. Mistakes are a natural part of the learning process. What would we have to learn from if we didn't make any? It would be very sad to see someone new chased off because he felt he wasn't good enough. Keep trying and maybe one day you'll turn out a story worth reading. Afterall, sucess tastes the sweetest after a string of bitter failures.
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/299/986/2f7.jpg
I read your guy's comments and I WILL do better...now I need to know what to do about the next few chapters and this has been inspired by my own rage.....so.....'
' sorry......
major improvment great job mate
753193 yep i need to some more work in a bit so ALLONS-Y!!dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Vinyl_Scratch.png
628016 Wait a minute, why the hell are you here?
Hmm, me and the human character share the same name? I'll give it a shot.
After the first chapter: I now feel ashamed to be named Brandon.
1299953 SORRY That was my 1st fan fic....but a better is comming soon and I have the same name.... OMG....
1300069 Eh, I'm over it now. Well, anyway, I accept your apology, and I will read this next fic coming soon.
1300093 okay.......I'm just going to put this on break for now this story I mean....
1300093 plus look at my newest blog for a 'simple sample' for the next thing....
definitely needs some work. I'm not going to be blunt, this is one of the worst story I've seen on here. The edited versions are a start, though. Now make each of those chapters 5000 words with the same amount of events, pick a more original idea, and you've got yourself a story.
2530872 I know, I have improved in writing, I havent uploaded any new stories yet... because I get bored then stop on them... so I will have better writings later on
Mmm... that like/dislike bar sure is something, isn't it? While I personally didn't like this story, you seem to be a nice guy considering how you're taking it in stride down here in the comments, so I'm sorry for all the hate it gets. I know the feeling with a fic of my own that got trolled to Hell and back, so I can only wish you luck and advise you to only listen to constructive criticism, ignore the trolls.