Twilight Sparkle's life has been one running tragedy, costing both her arm and her family. When she turned to those around her, she was told the same thing every time; "Be strong, for the Goddesses always know what is best". Understandably, It has left her feeling quite jaded. When the Goddesses need her help to destroy an ancient evil, will she respond with courage, or will she turn her back on the Goddesses who wronged her?
Special Thanks to FanOfMostEverything For helping to put this together and for being an excellent writer. Go check him out!
Chapters (10)
Uhh... Alright... I guess I'll understand later? Maybe? I'll just wait and see if this makes sense in later chapters.
6068057
What are the confusing points for you?
The chapter itself is fine, it's just that I'll need more of the story to understand this chapter. Not a problem in the long run, but for now I'm left in the dark as to much of the setting.
Once again, not a problem in the long run.
This interests me. Write more. Please.
Luna.
I wonder what that sounds like.
6095560 Like sweet victory Silly!
Here via FOME.
I'm getting a real Slayers kind of vibe in the leaping back and forth between almost-slapstick comedy and drama. That can work, though you run the risk of the story feeling unfocused, trying to be too many things at once. I think you sell the comedy here better than the drama; the high point was the early part of Chapter 3, where the story went off the MLP rails in a pretty big way and felt fresh and intriguing (though it did drag on into pure fanservice territory, which ... mmm, was still entertaining reading, but was definitely not the story I was expecting).
As to the drama ... I'm not sure you've got anything here where the stakes feel high enough to get invested in. For example, it's only Chapter 3 in what seems intended to be a much longer work and it seems like you've already basically settled the question you ask in the description. Twilight's pretty impressed with the goddess and the goddess is vowing to help her with the vast extent of her powers. We haven't seen anything but foreshadowing yet of the presumed main source of tension (Tartarus breaking open), and the "Make some friends!" that had canon Twilight dragging her heels for the first episodes is kinda undermined by starting her off with Pinkie Pie on her side. Basically, it feels like you're softballing challenges at her -- Twilight hasn't really run across anything she can't handle yet -- and so the story's juicy hooks are having some trouble properly setting.
That said, there's a lot of effort here in the worldbuilding and a fantasy/steampunk setting with a lot of potential. Little touches like the rune coverage are nice. I'd like to see more of Twilight's backstory with Spike (including what's going on with dragons in this world -- Luna certainly seems to have some respect for them, and their existence implies a magical ecosystem out there with a lot more exotic stuff). You've got a good foundation to build on.
Best,
h
6098291 Thanks for the To-Date review. The problems so far are settling how they are supposed to. Me and FOME are so far just setting our plot and story. We felt that this type of slow settle is good for the beginning of this type of story. As for the dragons, and much of the backstory and issues, as well as the questions posed in the description, those will be introduced hither and thither. I had the idea for an almost JRPG type story telling, with that 'floating problem' Idea. Stay tuned for more!
6098334
Fair enough. Still, I'd really recommend giving Twilight (& co.) a problem that they're genuinely struggling with, even if the stakes are low. We see characters at their best when they're challenged.
6099009
I'm sorry to hear it.
Oh, ffs.
My instinct is that your story is appropriately rated at Teen; I'm not a moderator, but I would be very surprised if reporting this story led to any sort of action. That said, if I were you I would add a "Sex" tag so that readers bothered by suggestive dialogue/descriptions, innuendo, and sexual humor (which is what Teen/Sex implies) can avoid the story rather than getting offended halfway through. Properly setting reader expectations can avoid a lot of these problems.
I'm only indirectly aware of the whole bananas meme, but I nonetheless see what you did there.
Sounds about right for
DiscScoddri.(Yes, I've read Scion of Chaos, why do you ask?)
6146799 Beam me up Scoddri!
Dammit Jim, Im a god of chaos not a doctor.
It does start slow to build. Not so much the back story but Twilight's place in it, or even current location. It gets explained a little more once Rarity shows up, but so far Twilight's exact placement in the world is vague.
This isn't exactly a JRPG sort of reveal. More of a ' the chars know what's going on and as soon as the information becomes relevant for them to go over it you will know too.' sort of set up. A good plan , but not every one has the patience for that.
Still not at all bad. A fair balance of humor and Dark.
Of course right now I'm only up to Luna's arrival, which has amused me. Though in my minds eye i can't help picture Jer'rahd showing up throwing a blanket over the princess before carting her off yelling 'nope' at Twilight.
6314063 Jer would have an even rougher time with this Luna, She's more of a harem keeper type.
Poor Flash. Life's not going to get any easier for him any time soon...
(One slight flub at the beginning:
"it's" and "I".)
6314321 Fixed, Thanks.
This is Applejack, I'm thinking.
Big question from me, though, is: why is she an assassin(?) working for the bad guys?
I hope that you solve this mystery for us soon.
I stand corrected. Jer is not needed. Twilight is violent and angry enough for two of him.
6320478 At least Jer doesn't have a monthly cycle of hatred and anger. I feel bad for Flash, while i'm writing it.
6320907 Don't feel bad for Flash. No one even likes Flash, heck i've not even included flash in SiS.
6325102 Lol. It's like if a filly fought beside the Five Beasts.
6325144 One filly or 3? Cause if it was those three.........
6325146 Just Twist, by herself. With a large shield and a sword.
Hmm. I don't think this story has very much to do with its tagline of "When the Goddesses need Twilight Sparkle's help battling an ancient evil, will she respond with courage, or will she turn her back on the Goddesses who wronged her?". She "turned her back" for literally one sentence, and then started kissing Luna. Not exactly a conflict.
I read another couple of chapters to see if anything else happened, but nothing did (the argument about Twilight's parents is more about Luna being inhuman than what she's done) so yes, it seems like that was it; the central premise of the plot occurred in one sentence and a kiss, in chapter 3. What?
6731023 The plot around the tagline is a drawn out one that will happen later on. There is a lot that needs to be built upon, and the main point of the tagline will happen soon, but not for a few chapters. Remember, when dealing with Immortal evils that threaten the fabric of reality, all they have is time.