Castle War

by Cute H Unknownia

The ten tests: Part 1

Rainbow Dash went into the bathroom and got dressed. It was the day of the first test! What could be better? As soon as she opened the door, Electro Buzz slid off the bed.

"Morning," He said in a sleepy voice.

As he picked up some clothes and went into the bathroom, Rainbow Dash opened the door and went to the mess hall.

A few minutes later Electro Buzz joined the table Rainbow Dash was chatting at. "So what're you guys talking about?" Electro asked the table as they introduced themselves.

One was an earth pony named Peppermint Zephyr and another was an alicorn called Meadow Lily.

The morning passed and they all hurried out of the mess hall, they needed to start preparing. There was a day of tests then a day of practice and then a day or relaxation again and again, after the settling in and after the leaving part.

Rainbow walked onto the field. The first challenge was a race. There would be 1000 winners that would move onto test two.

Rainbow started the day by running. She ran about fifteen laps and then got tired. Time for a break. Once Rainbow regained her strength, she started weightlifting.

The weightlifting wasn't particularly easy. The weights she was lifting were almost 10 pounds.

After she finished weightlifting she noticed something peculiar, two red eyes staring out of the entrance to the field...

As they saw her looking at them the red eyes vanished. Rainbow Dash started using a treadmill. Rainbow Dash worked up a sweat from using the treadmill for about 3 hours and then went back to her room. Still thinking about the two red eyes. She saw Electro Buzz was already asleep. She brushed her teeth and hopped into bed.

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On the day of the test Rainbow Dash, Peppermint Zephyr, Meadow Lily, Electro Buzz, Nutmeg Fluff, Firefly Rocket, Twinkle Star, Solstice Wings, Blue Star, Mystic Flower, and Meadow Crescent stood in a row. ( They were the ponies sitting in the mess hall.) There were about 2000 fillies and colts in the line.

Only 1000 would remain and this test would determine who! It was a race. (As I mentioned earlier.) Rainbow Dash had trained for this, she knew it was only a ground race.

As everyone stepped onto the starting line a weird pony was saying " Hello mares, stallions, colts, and fillies! Remember, you might loose!"
Rainbow Dash was very confused why anyone would say that but the race was about to start. So she focused on the race.

As the whistle sounded, there was a galloping of hooves and everyone was off!

All Rainbow Dash could tell was that she was being awesome. She kept cutting before other ponies. She saw that Electro Buzz was in front of her, she took off at an amazing speed and finally cut in front of him too.

The race was pretty long and Rainbow Dash was only about a fifth of the way when she was about one hundred twentieth. The trees surrounding the race track were beautiful, but Rainbow Dash wasn't focused on scenery, she was focused on the race.

Rainbow Dash was pretty close to the front when she saw the red eyes for a second, she thought she was just hallucinating so she went on with the race.

As the race finished up Rainbow Dash crossed the finish line and went to a long line of people waiting for their scores. When Rainbow Dash got hers, it said 116th, Rainbow Dash was disappointed.

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As everyone went to the mess hall for lunch, the corridors were noisy so Rainbow Dash hurried through them as fast as she could.

Rainbow Dash was really hungry, I mean REALLY hungry. She ate about five pounds of food, Peppermint Zephyr said " Now look who's hungry!" As Rainbow Dash was eating. " The food here is good." answered Rainbow Dash with food in her mouth.

As Rainbow Dash turned out the light to go to bed, she noticed the red eyes again. She knew they were real this time, and they were following her! Then she fell asleep.

The next morning Rainbow Dash woke up and got dressed. Today was a day or relaxation so Rainbow Dash knew she would take it easy. She had a good breakfast of scrambled eggs and beacon, then she went to the pool for a nice swim, she dipped her hooves in the water, it felt super nice.

Rainbow Dash talked with her new friends. They were really nice. Her favorite part was when they played escape for the dark mare. This is how you play:

There is a pony that plays as the dark mare/stallion. The rest of the players are in his/her dungeon and the only way to escape is to swim to the other side of the pool. If the dark mare/stallion touches you then you have to become a dark mare/stallion too. It goes on and on until there is only one filly/colt left and they win! Then they are the first dark mare/stallion of the next round.

It was super fun. Rainbow Dash also enjoyed talking with her new friend a lot. They talked for about three hourse before they even played one game of escape for the dark mare. They talked about little siblings and finding their families, they talked about what the next test might be, and they told stories, made up and true. It was very fun in Rainbow Dash's opinion.

They all got out at about 2:00 P.M for lunch. They talked some more as they were eating they told each other their room numbers so they could visit anytime and they discussed which animal was better dogs or cats. Cats won in the end but Rainbow Dash still thought that dogs were better.

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As Rainbow Dash headed back to her room she saw a tiny bit of red light for a second, then it was gone. Rainbow Dash continued walking down the mysterious corridors until she got to room 371 she opened the door and closed it after her. She got on her clothes and went to bed.
Rainbow Dash loved the night.

Author's Note:

This is probably my favorite story I've made so far on FIMfiction I hope you enjoy this chapter of Castle War!

Comments

[RainEStar]

Somehow I missed this update until now. Oh well, at least I finally found it.

Rainbow Dash was really hungry, I mean REALLY hungry. She ate about five pounds of food, Peppermint Zephyr said " Now look who's hungry!" As Rainbow Dash was eating. " The food here is good." answered Rainbow Dash with food in her mouth.

I would suggesting finding an editor for this story. The paragraph structure is really killing me here. in the example above, I'll make a few notes on how you could improve.

Rainbow Dash was really hungry, I mean REALLY hungry.

You're in the story now? Unless this a comedy with the narrator being an actual character, don't use terms like "I mean-" and, "You understand me?". It's... distracting.

She ate about five pounds of food,

How much is five pounds? Plates give better imagery. Also, end this with a period since the next part is an entirely separate sentence.

Peppermint Zephyr said " Now look who's hungry!" As Rainbow Dash was eating. " The food here is good." answered Rainbow Dash with food in her mouth.

Sorry. Pet peeve.
Anyway, here's a grammatically correct way of expressing those sentences.

As Rainbow Dash was eating, Peppermint Zephyr said, "Now look who's hungry!"
"The food here is good," answered Rainbow Dash, with her mouth full of food.

Separate paragraphs when you have a new speaker, it makes the story much easier to read.

On a general note... I can't keep track of all the OC's... I know the way you wrote your story sets up for a large cast, but I can't get a feel for the characters when there's so many so fast.

Whew! That's all for now! Hopefully my criticisms didn't come off as insulting. I just like RIPPING EVERYTHING TO LITTLE TINY PIECES! when I give critiques.