The name's Shade. Forest Shade. I'm just a fan of MLP. PM me if you need somepony to talk to.
Scootaloo has been working herself to the bone after seeing a Wonderbolt show in Cloudsdale with Rainbow Dash. However, no matter how hard she tries, she can't support her body weight. Now that there's a problem, she will need to fly, but can she?
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So, here goes again:
Guys: If you don't like a story, it's really poor to give red and walk away.
If there are issues with what you read, give at least a comment. Point out the problems you see. Give the author at least a chance to improve.
But just downvoting and going is everything but nice or polite.
That's for this.
Now to your story Forest:
I just started to read the first chapter. Let's say it has a lot of room for improvement.
While the dialogue lines are somewhat decent, the talking between RD and Scoots are just hanging in a white space.
You should give me as your reader a picture. A background. What is happening. Where is it happening. You sparely mention locations, but don't describe them. You may think 'everyone knows how Sugarcube Corner looks like'. This may be true - but just knowing how it looks like, don't create a vivid picture. This is your responsibility as author. Write what is happening. Tell me how it smells and feels there, show me who's around and what is happening.
Without description your story feels bland and sterile and is hard to read. I get lost between the dialogue and it doesn't hook me.
Despite this critique, I have to say, your grammar seems good. So you seem to be able to write. This said, improving your story won't be that hard. Basically add some paragraphs with description between the dialogue. This would add very much to your story.
6065667
Nope, as a reader you are under no obligation to explain your downvote. It's nice if you do, but lots of times readers will criticize a story explicitly and then the author or white knights will fight back and now you've found yourself in a situation you'd rather not be in just because you didn't like a story. The downvote itself serves as a signal that "hey I didn't like this" and if enough people don't like it the author should take it upon themselves to figure our what went wrong, perhaps by explicitly soliciting feedback from a critic group.
Author: Your story is waay to fast paced and I had no idea what the hell was going on. Also Lavender Unicorn Syndrome was present and your dialouge felt forced. Lastly when referring to characters, don't use nicknames. Nicknames are only used when a character is speaking, so Dashie and Scoots should only be said by other characters. (And only pinkie pie calls RD "Dashie")
6065667
Nope, as a reader you are under no obligation to explain your downvote. It's nice if you do, but lots of times readers will criticize a story explicitly and then the author or white knights will fight back and now you've found yourself in a situation you'd rather not be in just because you didn't like a story. The downvote itself serves as a signal that "hey I didn't like this" and if enough people don't like it the author should take it upon themselves to figure our what went wrong, perhaps by explicitly soliciting feedback from a critic group.
Author: Your story is waay to fast paced and I had no idea what the hell was going on. Also Lavender Unicorn Syndrome was present and your dialouge felt forced. Lastly when referring to characters, don't use nicknames. Nicknames are only used when a character is speaking, so Dashie and Scoots should only be said by other characters. (And only pinkie pie calls RD "Dashie")
6065667 Okay. Thanks.
6066105 What? I could have sworn I heard someone else say Dashie, but okay.
6066105
I could second you with the pacing as well as with the 'Lavender Unicorn Syndrome' (in the sense of using awkward descriptors if you just could stick to the characters name)
But:
I would consider this a matter of taste. Given a story in third person is told by a virtual 'narrator' - why should this narrator don't use nicknames or using a distinctive matter of speach? It is a story and no science-paper or manual.
As long as one don't use nicknames used by the fan community, which are unlikely used INSIDE the MLP universe (like 'mane6') It is fair game.
However - the virtual narrator should keep it's style and don't change, unless you switch the perspective (like if you use '3d person multiple').
Edit:
I don't say you aren't allowed to give red and walk away. It don't breaks any rules. You are - as you said - not obliged to comment. And I cannot enforce readers to give comments.
But in my opinion it's a matter of courtesy to do so.
Could you sort out the dialogue in the first paragraph?
You should avoid to put speech-lines amidst text.
A dialogue-line should be placed either at the start of a paragraph or on the end.
Descriptive text. More text. Then Rainbow Dash raised her voice, while cocking an eyebrow "What are you doing there?"
OR
"Whoa! what are you doing there?!" Dash raised an eyebrow. Descriptive text and so on and so forth.
Further you should make clear WHO is speaking. And I mentioned the lack of description earlier.
Okay, you two. Break it up!
I found this to be rather interesting, with the right editor to help correct and even it out, this could be a nice little thrill ride! ^_^ Scootaloo is my favourite CMC of the three~
8463880
Agreed!
Scootaloo is the best CMC
I loved this little story! Keep up the good work!