Nightmare Night out

by Catrina37

First Nightmare Night

Chapter 1: First Nightmare Night

It is Nightmare Night (Equestrian version of Halloween) in Ponyville. Everypony, including the Mane 6 (except Fluttershy), are dressed up for it. Twilight is dressed as Clover the Clever; Rainbow Dash is dressed as a Wonderbolt; Applejack is dressed as a Calamity Jane-type pony; Pinkie Pie is dressed as a jester; and Rarity is dressed as Celestia. They are at the Carousel Boutique, waiting for the Knights to come out in their costumes.

“Ready to show us your costume, Scorpan?” Twilight asks.

“All set, Twilight,” Scorpan replies.

Scorpan, Catrina, and Rep came out in their costumes. Scorpan is dressed as a cavalier; Catrina is a gypsy princess with a dress that sparkles like the stars; and Rep is a minstrel.

“Thanks for making our costumes, Rarity,” Rep says, “We look wonderful.”

“My pleasure, Rep,” Rarity says, “We wanted your first Nightmare Night to be a memorable one.”

“Say...aren’t you guys one knight short?” Rainbow Dash asks as she looks around.

“Where’s Thorne?” Scorpan says as he looks around for him.

“He got his costume done early,” Rarirty explains, “He wanted to get some candy collecting done right away.”

“Ain’t the little bat a tad old for candy?” Applejack asks.

“Aww come on! Nopony is too old for free candy!” Pinkie says.

“Besides that, the candy he’s collecting is not for him,” Rarity explains more, “I told him about how Fluttershy locks herself in her cottage on Nightmare Night. He says he’s going to collect candy for her and see about having her come out on Nightmare Night.”

“Discord’s not gonna be happy about that,” Scorpan says.

“Relax,” Applejack says, “Discord is filling in for a jester in Saddle Arabia. He won’t be back until later.”

“At least Fluttershy won’t have to worry about being alone on Nightmare Night,” Rainbow Dash says.

***

In the town square, the CMC are collecting candy with Thorne, who is hauling a big bag of candy for Fluttershy. The CMC are dressed as their sisters while Thorne is dressed as the Scarlet Bat, a masked hero from old bedtime stories he used to hear as a kid.

“That’s a lot of sweets, Thorne,” Apple Bloom says.

“Are you gonna eat all of it?” Scootaloo asks.

“Oh no, Scootaloo,” Thorne says, “I’m going to give this candy to Fluttershy.”

“Aww, that’s sweet of you to do that for her,” Sweetie Belle says, “But, why do you want to do that?”

“Rarity told me about how scared she gets on Nightmare Night and how she never ever went out on the holiday in her life. I’m going to give this bag to Fluttershy and see about treating her to the most romantic Nightmare Night ever.” Thorne tells them.

“You realize Discord has a crush on her too though. Right?” Sweetie Belle reminds him.

“Please! Discord is way too old for Fluttershy. Besides, he’s away on business for the Princesses. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt me.”

“Okay,” Apple Bloom says, “We’re gonna go to the Carousel Boutique to meet our sisters. See ya.”

“You young ponies have fun! I know I will after my date with the pony of my dreams!”

He waves goodbye to them as they leave for Rarity’s, and then heads for Fluttershy’s home.

***

Thorne hauls the huge bag of candy on his back as he takes it to Fluttershy’s cottage.

“I made it,” he says to himself, “Now to finally woo my Pegasus princess.”

Thorne puts the bag of candy down and knocks on the door.

“GO AWAY!! NO CANDY!!! VISITORS ARE NOT WELCOME ON NIGHTMARE NIGHT!!!!!!” Fluttershy loudly screams in horror.

When he heard Fluttershy’s scream of horror, he was immediately shocked.

“This is worse than what Rarity said.” he thought to himself.

“Fluttershy, it’s me. Thorne.” he says with another knock.

Fluttershy slowly opens the door and peeks outside to see Thorne and his bag of candy.

“Thorne! It is you,” she softly says, “I’m sorry for shouting the way I did. I thought you were someone or somepony in a scary costume."

“Don’t worry, my dear Fluttershy,” Thorne says, “Rarity has told me all about how scared you get on Nightmare Night, so I brought you candy.”

After he said that, Thorne digs into the candy-filled bag, and brings out a chocolate bar. He hands it to Fluttershy, who extended her hoof and accepted the tasty snack.

“That’s very kind of you, Thorne,” Fluttershy says, “How much did you collect by the way?”

“Enough to help you make up for all the times you missed out.” Thorne tells her.

“Goodness. You must be exhausted from all the carrying, then,” she said with some concern, “Won’t you come in.”

“But of course.”

Thorne goes inside with the bag of candy.

A few minutes later, they are having tea together.

“So why are you afraid of Nightmare Night, Fluttershy?” Thorne asks as he sips tea.

“I just get jittery because scary stuff always come out on Nightmare Night," Fluttershy explains, “You never know who it is under the costume, scary or not.”

“Oh yeah?” Thorne says.

“I’m afraid of being alone at night too, especially outside of my cottage. I get so scared that something would jump out and try to eat me.”

She began to hyperventilate a little when she started thinking about her fears. But it stopped when Thorne put his hand on her hoof to calm her down.

“The night doesn’t always have to be scary, Fluttershy. Take it from a bat imp who knows. I’ve seen magical things happen that only come out when the sun is down.” Thorne told her.

“Really? Like what?” Fluttershy asks.

“How’s about if I take you out and show you those very wonders? I promise to make sure you are never alone during our night out.”

“It would be nice, but, I don’t have a costume.”

“We’ll improvise on that.”

Fluttershy takes Thorne to her room upstairs. He opens her closet and sees a lovely white dress with flowers.

“That’s my spring maiden dress from the Canterlot Flower Festival,” she says.

“It’s perfect for the costume I have in mind,” Thorne says.

Fluttershy puts the dress on for Thorne as he puts a flower wreath over her head.

Fluttershy looks in the mirror and sees how beautiful she looks.

“You make a lovely nature princess, Fluttershy,” Thorne compliments.

“Thanks. That reminds me. What are you dressed as?” she asks about his costume.

“I am the Scarlet Bat, the Flying Protector of the weak and hero of Tambelon.”

Fluttershy giggles.

“Shall we go, my dear?”

“Lets.”

Fluttershy and Thorne step out of the cottage and fly away to their evening out.

Comments

[The Spy of the Tiger]

It is Nightmare Night (Equestrian version of Halloween) in Ponyville.

No need to clarify, I mean we are all bronies here, are we not?

Everypony, including the Mane 6 (except Fluttershy), are dressed up for it.

As a general rule of thumb, use the word instead of the symbol. Instead of saying "6," say "six." Also, the whole structure of this sentence is pretty poor. You could combine it with the previous sentence and the story would start to flow a bit better. Something more like, "It was Nightmare Night in the Equestrian town of Ponyville, and as such, many ponies were dressed up and around town, enjoying the festivities."

Twilight is dressed as Clover the Clever; Rainbow Dash is dressed as a Wonderbolt; Applejack is dressed as a Calamity Jane-type pony; Pinkie Pie is dressed as a jester; and Rarity is dressed as Celestia.

Improper usage of semicolons, they should be commas. You could also use more varied words to describe them than "is dressed as." It would also be nice to see a little bit of description of the costumes. For instance, you can say "Twilight Sparkle wore a brown hooded cloak as her Clover the Clever costume."

“Ready to show us your costume, Scorpan?” Twilight asks.

It would have been nice to know he was in this fanfiction a little sooner, maybe have had a little introduction, a refresher? Some people may not remember him, as he was only mentioned in one episode. Also, how did he get here? He's dead as far as we know.

Scorpan, Catrina, and Rep came out in their costumes.

Who?

“Where is Thorne?”

Again, who? We need some more introduction to these characters.

“Ain’t the little bat a tad old for candy?

Thorne is a bat?

What he doesn’t know won’t hurt me.

The expression is "What he doesn't know won't hurt him," unless you intentionally put the "me" there as a method to show his personality a bit, but if you did some sort of clarification would be nice. Just make Thorne smirk after it and you'd be good.

“Okay,” Apple Bloom says, “We’re gonna go to the Carousel Boutique to meet our sisters. C’ya.”

That feels odd coming from Apple Bloom. It would work a bit better if Sweetie Belle said it, and even then Carousel would probably be referred to as "the boutique" as we can assume he knows what they would be talking about.

Thorne goes inside with the bag of candy.
A few minutes later, they are having tea together.

These are two one sentence paragraphs back to back. You could easily turn this into one long paragraph, or even multiple with some dialogue. It is also worth noting that the "a few minutes later" thing is really just used for comedic effect. Something like "Twilight and Rainbow were having a lively discussion about the new Daring Do book that came out last week. A few minutes later, Fluttershy walked in to find the lavender princess pinned to the bookshelf by the athletic Pegasus mare."

There are quite a few problems with just this chapter, that I think I will stop here. Good luck on your wordsmithing.