Fallout Equestria: For the Foals

Hope is but a foal hood fairy tale in the Wasteland. Death is all there is

Happy Fallout 4 announcement day, just a quickie I wrote out over dinner.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 12 )

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Vic Viper

Vic Viper #1 · Jun 3rd, 2015 · · ·

:O
:)
:D
<3

Laknock

Laknock #2 · Jun 3rd, 2015 · · ·

Sad. Very sad.

Thomas Hunter

Thomas Hunter #3 · Jun 4th, 2015 · · ·

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors

Name of Story: Fallout Equestria: For the Foals

Grammar score out of 10 (1 is grammar that needs to be worked upon as basic principles such as capitalization and spelling is an issue, and 10 is impeccable): 8

Pros
1. The imagery was fantastic!
2. I was convinced that your characters belonged in a Fallout-esque (for want of a better term) environment.
3. The story evoked a sort of desperate sadness mixed with the insanity borne out of such situations as the one you were describing.

Cons
1. You had some minor issues with switching between past and present tenses in your writing.
2. Some typos in your story cause confusion as to what is going on at the moment. For example:

Miss Lil’ Blue shows off her raider blood and her raider teeth in one movement that I wish had not be so fluid.

3. You switched from first person to third person and back again when you wrote the flashback to the main character's childhood:

I’m at home now, no longer in a Stable, no longer captive to raider mares. I’m lost in a memory, lost in the times before things got lost.
The paint is peeling off of rotting wood that had been there as long has he had. His dad used to say the same thing about this place, says he reckoned the whole settlement was built as a wartime settlement so that Equestria’s brave mares and stallions serving the crown could have their families near without having to leave the border. Certainly seemed that old.
Good place as just about any to raise a foal though. Only in the few and far between settlements do you find ponies that might actually help out ponies, so long as they know ‘em. Strangers better have the caps and better get on out quick right. I was born and raised there and I sired my own there.

Notes Section
I genuinely enjoyed your story! Be sure that you maintain the same tense and point of view you started your story with. As long as you do this, and triple-check for any other typos in your story, you'll be fine. Great job!

Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story: The Dawn of Hatred

Psycho Kid

Psycho Kid #4 · Jun 4th, 2015 · · ·

Well, this is something, an FoE fic that's actually worth reading. Perfectly fits the world, for every one survivor there were probably hundreds who didn't and its cool to see a fic that addresses that.

Walabio

Walabio #5 · Jun 6th, 2015 · · ·

Foalhood is 1 word. Fairytale is 1 word. Foalhood-Fairytale is a compound-noun, requiring hyphenation.

Inkquill

Inkquill #6 · Jul 5th, 2015 · · ·

Oh my... O_O

Just off the bat i'm getting feels..

Chloe The Great

Chloe The Great #7 · Jul 5th, 2015 · · ·

gifrific.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/andy-samberg-crying.gif

Smiles

Smiles #8 · Jul 7th, 2015 · · ·

[7:01:35 PM] Stormy Normal: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/269757/fallout-equestria-for-the-foals I could use more comments

Hi.

edit: You're missing a period in the summary.

AlmanacP

AlmanacP #9 · Oct 21st, 2015 · · ·

Your book has been advertised on the new facebook group page: https://www.facebook.com/groups/foebooks/ :)

Cookie_Girl

Cookie_Girl #10 · Feb 29th, 2016 · 1 · ·

This was a confusing read. You go from a fairly good opening to cannibal ponies to telling how his daughter died so fast that even my adhd couldn't keep up.

The fic itself is way too short for the story it is trying to tell. Which is disappointing when you think about how much greater it could have been if the character was given proper backstory and personalisation.

I can't even say it is written good because while the grammar is ok the pacing is just too fast.

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