• Published 22nd Oct 2015
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Home is for the Weak - Pickleless



The princess of the sun and a gimp orphan sit in a cardboard box.

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The romance lawyer.

Nopony slowly awoke with a yawn, got up, and looked around him. Scootaloo was staring at something outside the alleyway with a blush on her face.

It was a colt.

"Who's that?" Nopony asked.

"Ah!" Scootaloo flinched. "U- uh, who's who?"

"That colt you wanna make out with."

"I don't want to make out with him!"

"Oh real-"

"I need to make out with him..." Scootaloo sighed.

"Wow," Nopony sounded genuinely surprised, "you really got the vapors for that little air headed pretty boy huh?"

"I just... I just wish we would crash into each other, while I was doing tricks on my scooter."

"Uh huh." Nopony laid back down.

"And he would be covered in sweat from working out all day."

"Are you about to tell me your fantasy for making out with this colt?"

"He would look at me and say, are you alright?" Scootaloo went on, lost in her thoughts.

"Please stop."

"And I'd say back, Are you a wall?"

"What?"

"And he'd be like No, why?"

"What kind of opening line is-"

"Because I'm about to knock you down, climb over, and invade you."

...

"And then-"

"Okay no!" Nopony cut her off. "If you're going to have a weird rape fantasy with this colt, let's at least make it productive."

"Okay first off, in this awesome imaginary scenario, he's consenting." Scootaloo huffed. "Secondly, are you about to try and help me rape somepony?"

"As you just said, it's fine if he consents. Love is a lot like politics, you're in the clear if you don't get caught."

"Should I call the royal guard?"

"So the first thing you do is stalk him all day and don't give him the chance to eat."

"I'm calling the royal guard." Scootaloo tried to get up and leave, only to get pinned under one of Nopony's wings.

"Hush, now it's important he doesn't know you have a hoof in this." Nopony nodded, as if he was conversing with somepony else. "Try to make sure he gets a little rest as possible too."

"I'm getting kind of scared here."

"Then, near the end of the day, you strike up a conversation with him, saying you noticed how tired and hungry he looks, and you happen to have a picnic basket on you."

"Why would I just happen to have a picnic basket on me?" Scootaloo snarked.

"Doesn't matter, he's tired and hungry, you could be Discord himself and he'd throw himself at your hooves." Nopony rolled his eyes.

"Oh, I know where you're going with this!"

"Now, make sure the food has a light amount of aphrodisiac in it."

"What."

"Then he'll be tired, slightly hungry, and aroused. After that, just start kissing him and he'll be too into it and braindead to care. How's that for scoring a makeout session in under one day?"

Scootaloo stared at Nopony.

"You are a monster." She said calmly.

"That's not a no."

"You pretty much made a plan to drug somepony."

"That's still not a no."

"Where can I find a picnic basket?"

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