planning is optional, courage is not defined by the will to fight, it is defined by the reason for which one is fighting,stayclassy
After a long journey Enchanted Brew stops in a small town to pay his aunt a visit, and indulges her and three small fillies with stories of his travels
( tags may be added or removed as the story progresses and story will be updated whenever possible)
I like having other people OC's guest star in mine so if you have one and would like to see them in this story then send me a message
stayclassy
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Ok. The intro puts the reader right into the action. I like this style. No long premise right into the thing. That's not bad.
I spotted some time-errors. In the first line you write
Enchanted brew IS currently walking ...
Later you shift to past. This is a bit off in my opinion. Stick to one time. Playing with times is really hard to pull off (like writing in present, just shifting to past for flashbacks or so).
And I suggest to stick with past. It's a whole lot easier to tell a story in this form. At least for me, that is.
But so far you did a nice job here. Will read further.
Edit:
There are some errors I think.
The Everfree Forest in the first line should be capitalized, because it is a name.
You missed the closing quote at:
You missed the full stop at the sentences end, too. It's nothing too bad I guess, but you should give your story a glance and look out for interpunction-errors.
Then something for the story itself.
I did just read the intro - so I can't tell if this is true for the rest:
It lacks description. You would add very much value to the story by describing what is around the four of them. But this is a common pitfall. Because everyone who reads here, normally knows the places and knows how they look like. The same for the characters. But, I think it's not the best style to leave description to the show or the imagination of your readers.
Think of your story, as if you write them for people who just starting to watch MLP. They may know some major things like Ponyville (at least it's shown in every single Intro) or the Main6.
So it's up to you to deliver the picture for the story.
You have enough ways. Exposition at the beginning; describe the dense forest, ferns and underbush, beards of moss hanging from low growing branches. A field of suspicious blue flowers in the distant - Enchanted Brew knows for sure of the dangers and values of this weed.
You give us dialogue - but you barely give us a stage, where your play happens. And this is a perfect opportunity. As I said in my first post, I like beginnings that start amidst the action. So a long exposition would kill this effect. Perfect for you is, that you could add description to your dialogue-tags.
Get this:
And look at it now:
Description hidden in a dialogue-tag. More activity - and more things shown than told.
All in all your set up is quite interesting. I'll keep reading and if you want I'll give you more of a review at the end.
Ok. I think I like the idea behind. This Enchanted Brew is a likeable character after all.
But, there are a few technical things bothering me.
First: You put the vocalized thoughts in a strange grey hue with an asterisk at the beginning. While there is no hard rule for how you write vocalized thoughts, I'd suggest to use normal color, and write it like spoken text. Just use 'thought' or 'pondered' instead of 'said' for indication. Many writers use italics for thoughts, which is fine.
Reason: Not everypony is reading this texts on the side. And you don't know how colors are handled by different readers. And at least for me the different color is a bit distracting. It pulls me out of the flow.
Second: There are some typos. Like writing 'doodle' it's a name and it should be capitalized every time (spotted this in about the first quarter of the text)
Third: The story would profit from more description. I recognized right at the first lines. He is searching for a location, stumbling upon a broken cart.
I don't know the least bit about how it looks like around him. He wanders in thin air. (I think I mentioned that beforehand) There is no problem with give a little bit of exposition or description.
I think I know the Town of Sameness lies somewhere in the desert. But don't expect your reader to know how the scene looks like. Describe dusty read rocks, endless dirt and sand. Rawhides and vultures resting on cacti. Give me this western/in the middle of nowhere feeling, instead of a blank white background.
So. Now I am up to date.
The story starts to get interesting.
But - you direly should add description.
And watch out for false tenses. You snap into presence now and then.
There are some sever issues with tenses. Your narrative snaps between presence and past tense.
You really should check for this.
Besides, the start was interesting and Enchanted Brew is one interesting character - but reading this now, it becomes... complicated He seems to get abilities and connections as needed. So he has a magical vest, which cannot be removed - very convenient if you want to break out of some dungeon. And then he is - conveniently - immune to the changeling-love sucking ability, because he is a quarter-changeling... Sorry. But that is just a bit of a stretch. Every problem Brew run into, seems to be easily solved with things he already have. I mean, what's the big issue, with getting love-sucked by the Changelings? What's the big issue, if they get his vest? The first thing would let him lie weak for a while, the second thing would be a good hook for further plot - as Brew, Gale and Colgate would be forced to recover Brews vest.
But the way you wrote this chapter, let's no real challenge for the hero. He doesn't have to struggle or think. He just grabs a random item of his vest, solves problems. Besides, small things like a needle, could have hidden somewhere else. Like "Ouch? What was that?" Brew hooved the stinging point on his neck, producing a small needle, former hidden in his mane. "Huh. There you are! I searched for you the whole week..."
In short: I complain here, because I think, your story could be so much better, without some of your convenient solutions for the hero's problems. There is not much real challenge, making the story less gripping than it could be, I think.