Rainbow is a Roommate

by A Random Guy

“How’s the weather today?”

Why do humans put up with commutes? We have magic now, can’t we just set up a teleportation system and be done with cars all together. Left work at 5 and got back home around 7 after dropping Rachel off. That’s a good two hours of my day gone, and around seven hundred hours a year I’ll never get back.

Great, the sun's already setting.

First thing I immediately did when I got back home was pop the trunk. If Rainbow pulled an assault rifle out of my car, who the hell knows what else my trunk is packing. I checked around to see if there was anyone that would see something they shouldn’t. Lord help me if a jogger caught a glimpse of a rocket launcher. Be damned beyond salvation if it's a cop. After a quick look around, nobody was coming my way. I walked to the back of my car and lifted the back of my trunk to find…

Jerky.

At some point, Rainbow stuffed my trunk with packets of beef jerky. I gagged when I got a whiff of all that jerky. To my dismay, it didn’t stop at the jerky. The butts and barrels of several assault rifles stuck out of the jerky pile. The roof of the trunk had a rack full of ammo magazines nailed to it. That dang pegasus had the gall to hang a sign to the rack saying, “RD’s stash, don’t touch.” My car’s trunk was the wet-dream of a hitman who really loves beef jerky.

I couldn’t slam the trunk any faster. The jerky smell was starting to burn my eyes. Rainbow was destined for a long talk about keeping her stuff out of my space. There was no possibility of me moving the stash out in the daylight. I had a healthy paranoia that a vigilant neighbor would report me to the police as some psychopath.

I left my car parked on the side of the street, hoping someone would steal it so I could report it and pretend those guns belonged to the thief. Not much else I could do about it.

The rest of the night was spent doing my routine. The mailbox had nothing interesting in it. Bills, bills, invitation for Rainbow to go to a gala in Equestira, junkmail, bills, pamphlet from United Humanity about the evils of ponies, junkmail. I saved the bills and invitation, throwing out the rest when I entered the house.

I went shopping after Rainbow left for her trip, so at least I had something to eat. Tonight’s five star meal is pre-made lasagna. When you’re always getting home at seven at night, the best meal is always a quick one. Preheat the oven, toss the dohicky in, and forget about it for an hour. If you’re the only one eating it, you got leftovers for the next night and a couple lunches.

After setting up that little meal, I fell into the living room couch and opened up my laptop. The wonders of the internet at my fingertips, and I had enough energy to barely browse the news. United Humanity membership on the rise. Star Pool reveals magic-infused rocket design. 10 things you won’t believe magic can do. Ohio town council discusses banning pony books from libraries. It’s the standard stuff you see these days.

As I’m browsing through a page I found about the Star Pool project, my IM messenger popped up in the corner, telling me Justin Raid wanted to talk to me. “How’s the weather today?”

It's always got the same message every time I came home. “It rained cats and dogs and caused millions of dollars in property damage. Animal control is now hiring.” I pressed enter.

Justin Raid stayed quiet. I scrolled through the article until I heard the pop again. “Be serious. How was the weather today?”

I finished reading the paragraph I was on before sending another reply. “The gates of hell opened in the skies and let forth a fog of blood that caused traffic delays for several hours.”

Mister Raid did not catch me in a good mood today. As if he care, it wasn’t in his programming. His next message didn’t take as long. “Be serious. How was the weather today?”

I knew this song and dance. Raid wouldn’t go away until I replied exactly how he wanted. “It’s all sunshine and rainbows! A puppy smiled at me today and made the world brighter for everyone.”

Justin Raid, being the robot he is, spent no time sending a reply. “Be serious. How was the weather today?”

This guy literally has no personality. Why should I even bother with him? “Clear skies, sunny all day, happy now?”

The front door opened while I waiting for the response. “Maddie, I’m home!” I’ll take three tries to guess who that raspy voice belongs to. “Equestria is still great as ever. You should visit more.” Oh, I could hear my week’s worth of silence cashing down in only a couple of seconds.

I had a speech prepped about my trunk. Boy, was that pegasus going to get an earful! Justin Raid pinged me before I went for my chance. “Good to hear. Keep working.”

Rainbow had that smug grin she had whenever she came back from her trips. “Guess who stopped the Cult of Chaos from bringing world destruction to Equestria?” She leaped through the air, landing and skidding across the living room in a power slide. She whipped her mane to the side, revealing the M-16 strapped to her back. “This gal!” She pointed to herself and flashed a grin at me.

“This gal” had trouble reading facial queues, especially the angry looking ones. Screw the speech. Got to go right for the throat. “Why the hell is my trunk full of jerky and guns?”

Her grin faded as she put her hoof back down. “I kinda forgot I had those in there.”

Oh, you are not in a position to screw with me. “You forgot?”

“Yep.”

“Well, you forgot to ask me if you could use my trunk in the first place.”

“Better to ask for forgiveness than permission.”

“Dully noted. I still want to know why you did it.”

She pulled the assault rifle off and tossed in onto the table. “I found a jerky sale in a different state, so I borrowed your car while you were at work and filled up the trunk with as much jerky as I could buy.”

“And the guns?”

Rainbow flew over the couch and went into the kitchen. “Store bought. Don’t worry, they’re registered and I’m licensed.” She flew back into the living room with a packet of jerky in her hoof. “And before you ask, no, I don’t shoot them at any pony or person. Just giant monsters on rampages.”

“I thought you fight those guys with just your bare hooves?”

She shrugged as she plopped into the chair. “I wanted to try something new. Didn’t work out. Turns out that gun can’t shoot. It’s a piece of trash.”

I glanced down at the M-16 on the table. Rainbow had completely disregarded any and all gun safety rules handling this thing. The barrel was pointed sideways and not down. The magazine was still in and loaded. A stick poked out from the trigger guard, presumably so she could leverage the trigger with her hoof. The only saving grace was that the safety was still in place. I hope to god she doesn’t figure out how to turn off the safety. My best play was to feign ignorance and hope she doesn't google it. “I don’t know what’s wrong with it…” White lie, for the sake of humanity.

“Figures.” Rainbow shoved a piece of jerky in her mouth and started chewing. “That hydra would’ve gone down faster if that thing worked.”

“Might have. You still have your crap in my trunk.”

“I’ll take care of it in a bit. Give me a break, I just got back from saving the world. You won’t even smell the jerky when I’m done.”

Pain in the butt. A part of me still wanted to give an entire speech about responsibility and such, but the rest knew how pointless it'll be. At least when Rainbow says she’ll do something, she’ll do it, at her own pace.

The IM made its pop sound on my laptop. It wasn’t Justin Raid this time, not that I expected him to message me more than once. This time it was Rachel. “Maddie, I need a bit of help.”

Rainbow let out an obnoxious groan as she stretched across the chair. “Tell you what, for using your trunk as a jerky fridge, I’ll make it up to you. I’ll share my jerky stash with you, and get you a steak dinner on top of that.”

“I told you, I’m a vegetarian.” I knew she was screwing with me. Little bits of me were starting to rub off onto her. Now that's a troubling thought, another me. I hate meeting people that are like me, because I know how irritating I am. In a couple seconds I sent a message back to Rachel. “What do you need?”

Unlike me, Dash didn’t know how to stop screwing around. “Vegetarianism doesn’t have to stop you from eating meat. Just look at me! I’ll take you around town and stop by every burger joint. Afterwards, we’ll have venison at the glue factory and take a tour. I’ll make a holiday out of it. We’ll celebrate Meat Day for now on, starting Tuesday.”

“Sure, I’d go with that, but only if we bring your friends along for the ride.” I held in a chuckle as she frowned. I could see the gears turning to make a comeback to that, but she fell flat. Don’t try to out-screw me. I’m the screw master!

It didn’t take long for Rachel’s next message to come through. “Could I stay at your place? A dragon burnt down my house.”

Comments

[silvadel]

So, tell Rainbow Dash you want to be a pegasus. I'm sure she could have Twilight do you a solid.