Applejack invites Applebloom to the Gala, so Rarity must invite Sweetiebelle. Applejack needs to find and convice Rainbow Dash to invite Scootaloo as her plus one. Unfortunately, Rainbow Dash already has a date in mind.
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- Member Since 1st Feb, 2015
- offline last seen Apr 7th, 2020
CoastBrumby
I am an aspiring author and bookstore owner living in NSW Australia.
CoastBrumby
Joined 1st Feb, 2015 ·
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black flank. I think you mean blank flank. The story didn't feel complete to me but it wasn't bad, a bit short.
6039306 I have other published works on other sites. Jukepop.com is one site I write for often. Fanfic is just for fun.
Eeyup.
6039664 Have to fix that.
Okay, first off, this other yoyo in the comments telling you that fanfiction is not the place to start writing as an aspiring author should not be listened to. Writing is writing, and no matter what it is, practice makes perfect. Anyone who looks at one of my older stories and then looks at my newer ones will see a dramatic difference.
I'm gonna point out a few things you should work on, and then give you my three golden rules.
Everyone knows Rarity is a unicorn, pointing it out is not necessary, nor should unicorn be capitalized. Also, you say she's dusting around her dress shop, you don't need to then tell us it is Carousel Boutique.
There are many ways to convey thoughts, but the easiest would be to simply place them in italics, like so.
Oh, my ticket came in the mail today. Who, oh who shall I bring as my date to the Grand Galloping Gala? So many handsome stallions to choose from, and I Rarity have the means to only take one. How shall I decide?
That way we can drop the dialogue tag as well since it's no longer necessary. Also, Rarity needs a comma after her name too as it is an interrupter inserted into the sentence. To see if you need commas around an interrupter, try taking the interrupter out of the sentence completely. If the sentence is still clear without the interrupter, then you probably need the commas.
So many handsome stallions to choose from and I, Rarity, have the means to only take one.
You should break up the paragraph as shown above. It looks like you might have tried to do so, but the formatting messed it up. Oh and Earth Pony is not capitalized as it is not a proper noun.
Okay, now for the confusing bit. If a sentence ends in a dialogue tag such as "he said" or "she yelled", then you need to put a comma instead of a period, like so:
The exception to this rule are question marks and exclamation marks. Also, if the dialogue tag does NOT involve speaking, the period stays.
Sweetie Belle is actually two words.
Learn to use italics to emphasize certain words. Watch this.
By doing this, readers will naturally put an emphasis on the word do and make it stand out more. It adds a bit of immersion as they hear the character in their head.
These are just a few things I noticed, there are many more that need to be worked on. Now, the good news is that you seem to have the character's behavior and personality down extremely well. They talk like they should and don't sound in character most of the time, with the exception of a few weird lines here and there. Not a big deal.
The best thing you can do for yourself and for your writing at this point in time is to get an editor. A good one. Preferably one you can talk to on skype. I was lucky enough to know one, and by sheer repetition of seeing my mistakes pointed out over and over again, my writing has improved dramatically. It will for you too. Now,onto my three golden rules.
1. once you're done with a story, take a break for perhaps a week or two. The reason being, when a story is fresh on your mind, you will gloss over mistakes as if they weren't there.
2. Read your story out loud. By hearing the words in an actual voice, you have a much better chance of hearing something that sounds like nonsense, or even just catching repetition of words.
3. Before you post, put your story on the site, but DO NOT submit it yet. If you have a phone or alternate device, read the story on that device. Just by seeing it on the site or a different screen, you'll catch things you might not otherwise.
That's pretty much it. The last thing I'd like to tell you about is the "indent paragraphs" button. It's in the bar above your story. use that to automatically indent your paragraphs. Keep reading, and keep writing, and you'll surely improve. It's all down to how much you want to put into it.
6042430 Thank you for careful reading of my story. I hope you enjoyed it.
In my stories, Unicorns, Earth Ponies, and Pegasus Ponies are not just sub species names but ethnic groups, so they are proper nouns.
I might respond to the rest of your suggestions via PM.
why is this featured in a flutterdash group?
6057154 Rainbow Dash and Applejack talk about Rainbow Dash having feelings for Fluttershy, but they are subtle about it as Rainbow Dash is not comfortable being open with her feelings.
6058301 i don't think an implication in a single passing comment is a sufficent reason to submit a story to a shipping group.
shipping groups are meant to be for stories that feature pairings. there are going to be other people that will find this story through that group and be confused about why there's no flutterdash here.
6060847 It's there. It's just subtle. I wrote an entire story about Fluttershy turning into a stalion and impregnating Rainbow Dash. I have earned this one.
6041820 Then please, do enlighten me as to why you yourself are here, if this is indeed your feelings on the subject?
6063407 Be that as it may, my lateness doesn't alter the validity of my question in the slightest. While everyone is entitled to their own opinion and I respect yours no matter what it may be, it strikes me as hypocritical that someone who does the very thing they just discouraged would, well, discourage it.
6062053 wait, i think it would be better to just ask whoever run/moderates the group for their thoughts on the matter. it's their group, so their judgement would be more decisive.
6064181 As for his question as to if it belongs here, the answer would be both yes and no. It would indeed fit into the group, but he should probably transfer it to the FlutterDash as a secondary pairing folder, since the relationship is not the main focus of this particular fic.
6065862 You see I thought the secondary folder was for stories were one liked another one of the main six more than fluttershy or Rainbow Dash and only ended up Flutterdash after things didn't work out with the other one.
6067463 No, the secondary folder is for any fic that features FlutterDash without being the main focus, like say for instance you were doing a piece where the main focus would be say Rarijack, it'd go into the Rarijack groups main folder, but if FlutterDash was a side or secondary pairing it could be featured in this group as well, just not in the main category.
I really liked this story conceptually, especially the idea that Rainbow had a plan to bring the medalists from the games to the gala. You have a few misspelling problems, and I personally thought Scootaloo's characterization was not executed well enough. Not bad, but I can't say it was good either. I agree with Starlitomega that getting an editor or even a pre-reader would probably help your writing. Thanks for writing something worth reading.
6070162 I'd love an editor.
"I was enjoying a sweat pleasure. I was about to reach the intense release of passion, and bam I had to up and go before I enjoyed the best bit."
What was that all about?
Also black flanks?
6190716 Rainbow Dash was eating a passion fruit pastry, but I wanted it to sound like she was talking about making love. It was supposed to be funny. Applejack enjoyed the humour in it.
Black flanks is a typo I have yet to fix. It is supposed to read blank flanks.
Twilight has a dirty mind.