• Published 7th Nov 2015
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Letters From Across The Disgruntled Multiverse - MixMassBasher

Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia's most prized and faithful student, is being sent to Ponyville to learn about the magic of friendship. And she's not happy about it.

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The Attempted Assassinations of Twilight Sparkle by Dubs Rewatcher

Letters From Across The Disgruntled Multiverse
by MixMassBasher

The Attempted Assassinations of Twilight Sparkle by Dubs Rewatcher

The Shortest Coup d'état in Equestrian History OR (Prince Blueblood: Noble Idiot of the Dawn)

Dear Princess Celestia,

You lazy hag.

You dragged me out of my usual steamy book reorganization sessions because you had too much work?

You ruled as sole ruler for a thousand years and you now have your sister to do half of it!

Have you just begun to realize that you're very old and brittle after living so long, or did you just want to torture me by putting me next to your worthless nephew and his stupid cologne? Please. No matter how much cologne that dumbass uses, it won't hide the fact that he stinks.

I suppose that you're only bored with your royal duties and decided to slap a Princess of the Dusk title on my ass. You even gave one to Prince Blueblood as a cover up, but I know your tricks. And couldn't you just give Blueblood both dusk and dawn duties? Then we both can laugh as he makes a bigger ass of himself than usual.

No? Well, fuck you, too!

Your pissed off Princess of the Dusk,
Twilight Sparkle

To the Author of All Beings,

A fuck you to you, as well!

It's your fault that dick prince think there's something wrong with my manecut!?!

Your pissed off Princess of the Dusk,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

Did you have to announce to the press straight away of my pathetic princess promotion!?! I wanted to get back to my books! But that's not why I mainly came to complain to you this time. I suspect that your lousily assigned Prince of the Dawn is trying to kill me.

While I was dealing with the terrible trio’s attempts to bribe and blackmail to make it illegal for fillies to be sent to bed without dessert when it's clearly a cover up for every fucked up antic they did to get themselves punished! To top it all off, a crystal chandelier crushed my cranium from above! I had a sinking feeling that the muffin obsessed mailmare that was the cause of it at first but the horrendous odor of sour-scented cologne made me think otherwise.

The first thing I hear after my head injury is one of the CMC’s saying, "Oh my Celestia, you killed Twilight!" and another adding on, "You bastard!"

Fortunately, I wasn't killed since I'm immortal, like you. Unfortunately, however, immortality does not equal invincibility because that chandelier fucking hurt. And to further add to my literal headache, the CMC started pestering me to make them immortal, as well. So, I asked them to go bother you since it was your fault that I got wings stapled onto my back. Have fun.

Anyway, could you tell your stupid nephew to cut the crap with this assassination shit!?! Because, for one, I'm immortal. Two, he's a nitwit. And three, he has no class when it comes to the art of assassination. I, for one, would hire some white hooded assassin to jump off a tall building and knife my target from above. Clean and effective.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to tape my broken skull back together.

Your apparently ineffective mainstream capitalist neoliberal figurehead,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

Your foolish nephew can't seem to take a hint. This is the second time he's tried to kill me. After my head wound healed, I was in the middle of fixing the mess that chandelier made on the crystal floor. I would've had help but Fax Machine thinks I’m cursed now because of all this apparent bad karma happening. Honestly, I think the only curse I have currently is that I can never die. It was you, after all, that wanted to see me suffer longer. Then, to make matters worse, I got eaten by an alligator hidden in my closet and no that’s not a euphemism for something.

And crikey! That stench... I'm going to need a bath after this one.

Luckily, Fax Machine decided to finally be useful and went to get the Fluttershy for help, leaving me completely alone with the alligator and the clock that was ticking away inside its stomach.

Later, Fluttershy managed to stop the alligator from digesting me. She then proceeded to check on the wellbeing of the dumb reptile that tried to eat me! Way to get your priorities straight, Shitshy. She even had the audacity to say that I should treat my pet better. Well, of course I do! I treat Fax Machine quite well by feeding him gems when he's a good assista— she meant the alligator, didn't she? As if I owned that thing!?! Last I checked, it was only that drugged up party pony that owns an alligator!

Fluttershy suspected that somepony had put a hit on me. Well, no shit, Shylock! I mean sure a lot of evil beings are out to get me, but none are stupid enough to try. Except for Prince Blueblood, apparently. Now, can you please get that piece of shit to clean up his act!? Because I believe he also left the toilet seat up later that night! What kind of a sick pony does that!?

Your annoyed Princess of the Dusk,
Twilight Sparkle

A couple of assassination attempts later...

Dear Prince Blueblood,

I'm writing today to make one thing clear: I know it's you trying to kill me. And it's also obvious that you're doing it for my title of Princess of Dusk. This is getting tiring for both you and me.

Face it. The only way you would ever manage to kill me is if it were in an alternate universe.

Just stop. Or else I'll take Fluttershy's suggestion of putting you in her shed.

Twilight Sparkle

Dear "Princess" Twilight Sparkle,

How dare you accuse me of committing such a heinous act? This is foolishness of the highest order! I'll have you know that it couldn't be me because I made sure to throw away the receipt for that chain cutting saw I bought and it must've been that Fluttershee friend of yours that sicced that alligator on you because the only an animal carer, or a wealthy noble, could get such an exotic animal! I've never been so insulted. I have half a mind to suspect you of assassinating me with such death threats!

Don't even think of bitching your way out of this one, you disgruntled mare. I'll be sending a libelous letter to the press in the morning. Then we shall see who the true assassin is around here. I suspect it is the princess with the ill-thought-out manecut.

Prince D. B. Blueblood
Ruler of the Dawn
Six Time Little League Baseball Champ

P.S. I wrote this letter with my new typewriter. How do you like it? be sure to mail it back and let me know what you think.

P.P.S If you contact me again, I'll sue you for harassment and slander and grand theft.

Dear Prince Blueblood,

Your typewriter in horrendous and you should feel horrendous for typing such illegible writing.

Twilight Sparkle

The Canterlot Crackpot Conspiracy Theorist Center



Dear Princess Celestia,

That's it. I've had it with your nephew's antics. He puts the ass in assassination. Actually more like half-ass. Considering he failed all attempts to kill me.

In fact, his latest one literally caused him to boast about all his crimes he's committed, because I ate the cyanide-laced porridge I had for breakfast. He started babbling on about how once Princess of Dusk bites the dust, he would help plan a random royal funeral after that to cover his tracks and finally he'll be the ruler of both dawn and dusk. I guess it didn't occur to him that drinking a milk bucket helps remove all status effects. Oh and also the fact I'm FUCKING IMMORTAL! It didn't dawn on him at all that I'm immortal not immoral. Immoral, which if you look it up in the dictionary, has his inbred face plastered on the page for the word's definition.

Personally, if I were him, I'd have disguised myself as Granny Smith and fed me a poisoned apple. That's how you cover your tracks by pinning it on somepony else. But as we both know, common sense doesn't seem to apply to your nephew, as he exposed his crimes like an utter nitwit.

Thankfully, you finally used your useless brain and punished him by sending him to the moon. Oh? You send him to his room instead? Could you... I don't know... behead that bastard! Nopony will miss him I assure you.

Also, changing a useless noble for a useless princess for the title of Princess of Dawn isn't much of an improvement. Though at least Cadance isn't out to kill me.

Your relieved Princess of the Dusk,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Celestia,

I suspect that Cadance is trying to kill me. Or, it might be Queen Chrysalis in disguise.

Your suspicious Princess of the Dusk,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Sunset Shimmer,

Are you sure killing Twilight will guarantee that Shining would finally have sex with me?

The New Princess of the Dawn,
Princess Cadance

Dear Princess Cadance,

Oh absolutely!

Your accomplice bad pony,
Sunset Shimmer

Dear Kratos,

Mind if I borrow your Blades of Chaos? Turns out cyanide doesn't work on alicorns. Apparently Blueblood already tried that.

The New Princess of Dawn,
Princess Cadence

Author's Note:

Merry Christmas Everyone!:heart:

Original Story Here

Check Out The Author Here

Please Keep in mind that this Fimfiction is not an attack on the Author or His Work. I actually like his story and this letter is done just for the laughs. I have already gotten permission from the author.

Appreciate every like, comment and follow and please tell more people about this story:scootangel:

Try to spot all the references from pop culture or other works by the author himself:rainbowlaugh:

I'll also like you to tell me what made you laugh and what I can do to improve on for better inspiration for these letters.

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