• Published 7th Nov 2015
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Letters From Across The Disgruntled Multiverse - MixMassBasher

Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia's most prized and faithful student, is being sent to Ponyville to learn about the magic of friendship. And she's not happy about it.

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He Come to Town by FanOfMostEverything

Letters From Across The Disgruntled Multiverse
by MixMassBasher

He Come to Town by FanOfMostEverything

Breath of the Domestic OR (Legend of Gen: Search for Employment)

Dear Princess Celestia,

Let me get this straight, there were other ponies before us off saving the world before my ass got drafted into it! Well, excuse me, princess, but deciding that the entirety of Equestria rested in the hooves of six ponies instead of a team of combat trained and highly experienced agents because it's our destiny is BULLSHIT! FUCK DESTINY!

Rant aside, this leads me to my main issue of recruiting this ex-agent; Brave Heart, as a new guard. I'll be honest, I thought his name was Zelda, as silly as that sounds. But I have to say that he's not a bad catch. Too bad he's committed to some mare already; Cream Heart, or Next Generation, or whatever her name is.

My main problem came when I read his personal file. It's a completely complicated conundrum. And what kind of file name is The Hyrule Historia!?!

Apparently, he grew up in the Kokiri Forest, in Cloudsdale on the cloud island of Skyloft, on Outset Island near the shores of Seaquestria, or in Canterlot as an apprentice of a blacksmith.

Seriously, he needs to get his backstory straight.

Reading further, when he was just a young Brave Heart, he suffered from SPS; Silent Protagonist Syndrome, which I recall that our town DJ is suffering from as well. This made him a social outcast, since whenever somepony was talking to him, he can't talk back, making him seem heartless. Luckily, he consumed a lot of heart containers seven years ago to grow out of that stage.

As for why Brave Heart decided to be a hero was either after the Fluttershy's Grandpa, the Great Deku Tree, died telling him to stop camel man of the desert; or when his uncle, who was a Canterlot guard, died fighting off an onslaught of monsters with Brave being the last descendant of the Knights of Canterlot. Or because it was destin– Celestia, dammit! FUCK DESTINY!

Speaking of family, his surviving blood relatives are a younger sister and grandmare, if him growing up on Outset Island from one out of the couple of backstories is to be believed.

Also, like A. K. Yearling (AKa Daring Do), he turns all of his adventures into works of fiction. Video games to be exact. From this, I gathered a working theory that he's such an adrenaline junkie because whenever he looks at the next dangerous quest, he thinks, "There's the next game that my son will get to play!"

However, this leads to the main point of why he wants to join my guard. His wife was like "Screw you! Be a good father! Get a job!" You know, the usual wife bullcrap complaints you hear.

Unfortunately, he had enlisted the help of the CMC for that, so you know he was doomed from the start.

So he comes to town and causes a shitton of chaos. Discord approved.

He hiya’d! the pottery shop in town to smithereens; caused a swarm of Scootaloos to cause a ruckus at Sweet Apple Acres (Celestia knows how he found the mirror pool.); tried to play music to the public, but caused a big commotion when multiple creepy masks started appearing in the vicinity (on the plus side a mask salesman there was ecstatic); and scarred students for life with knowledge, if that is somehow fundamentally possible.

He probably got fed up with the trio, especially when they kept telling him to, "Hey! Look! Listen!" to him and so he came to me for employment as well as hoping to escape jail time by me royally pardoning him.

Looking at his agent file, he was bestowed the triforce of courage medal by your senile ass. Nicknamed the dynasty warrior; I guessing what with his long and complicated history, the Hero of Rhyme in the lands of Zebrafica, and the Hero of Trains? Is that really a thing?

Anyway, combat-wise, he's decent. He fought off a pig monster with just a glass jar. He's escaped a three day time loop and the moon falling by battling a skull kid. He fought off monsters on the Dream Island of Koholint. He even fought his own shadow clone, if that makes any sense. Though I don't get why a death battle with a spikey haired weirdo was worth mentioning in his job description?

His skillset is superb, better than the guards in Canterlot, though that's not saying much. He knows how to shoot fire arrows pretty well which explains why his nimrod son sets shit on fire all the time. He'd make a great crossbow trainer if I decide to hire more guards. He can turn into a werewolf, a bunny and a crappy two dimensional drawing. He's also been to Hytopia which explains his ability to pass off as a mare in a neighrabian dress.

As for mode of transportation, he used to ride on a mare named Epona to battle before he was married. These days, he rides a motorcycle instead, whatever that is.

For his arsenal, he has a sword named Fi, a hookshot that bends the laws of physics (if that game theory is to be believed), his magic wand that controls the winds, an hourglass that allows him access to Seaquestria for a limited time period, a rod that controls the seasons that gives the pegassi a run for their bits, and a harp that teleports you across time.

And last, but not least, a bitchblue potato flute that, when played, gives him the ability of teleportation to various warp points, healing, causes storms, summon his previous mode of transportation, make his wife fall asleep with a lullaby, moving the fucking sun and moon, for pony’s sake! and time manipulation, such as slowing or speeding up time, and somehow travelling through time because hey, why the fuck not!?!

There were some cons with employing him, though.

He kept referring to me as Twilight Princess instead of Princess Twilight, so his intelligence is questionable. And when he suffers major injuries, he emits a loud annoying sound until he recovers his health. He has multiple annoying companions that like to tell you what to do even when they're not needed. He even breaks all the keys he uses to unlock any door. It’s especially worse when his various arsenal breaks instantly to dust due to limited durability, which is a load of horseapples. He may also get into long ass conversations with my pet owl, for some reason. He also sucks at bomb bowling, despite being a demolitions expert. His reasoning being crappy skyward mechanics, whatever that means. And he may have caused some foal named BEN to drown. But... with a name like that, it's no wonder Brave Heart ended the kids misery. On the downside, he may be suicidal since his last adventure involved him jumping into an active volcano at "Death" Mountain. Then there's the never to be spoken of CD-i Incident he did a long while back.

As for his sexual orientation, he's thankfully not gay since he has a fear of cocks.

He can also split into four other ponies who I'm certain can do wonders in bed if I order them to. Well, except the purple hatted one. No one likes the purple one.

Why does writing that last sentence suddenly feel off to me?

I probably have to get him to wear a condom when we have sex. Because when he fucked his wife right into the next generation, months laters comes out comes a C & D colt. And there's no way I want that!

But overall, I think I'll keep him as my guard with benefits since I'm getting tired of fucking Fax Machine’s dinky dragon dick. Especially when my stubborn sister-in-law won't give me the hot stud pegasus sentry in her Crystal Guard.

Yours sincerely,
Princess Twilight

P.S. Why does he insist on being paid in gems instead of bits!?

Dear Brave Heart,

Any pointers you can give me on saving Hyrule?

A Fellow Triforce Warrior,
Sunset Shimmer

Author's Note:

Original Story Here: https://www.fimfiction.net/story/423371/he-come-to-town

Check Out The Author: https://www.fimfiction.net/user/1400/FanOfMostEverything

Please Keep in mind that this Fimfiction is not an attack on the Author or His Work. I actually like his story and this letter is done just for the laughs.

Appreciate every like, comment and follow and please tell more people about this story:scootangel:

I'll also like you to tell me what made you laugh and what I can do to improve on for better inspiration for these letters.

And finally how many Legend of Zelda References can you spot?


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