• Published 7th Nov 2015
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Letters From Across The Disgruntled Multiverse - MixMassBasher

Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia's most prized and faithful student, is being sent to Ponyville to learn about the magic of friendship. And she's not happy about it.

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The Random Royal Funeral by Darth Link 22

Letters From Across The Disgruntled Multiverse
by MixMassBasher

The Random Royal Funeral OR (It's The Best And Worst Day Ever!)

Dear Princess Celestia,

Fake my death!?!... Sure, why not? Any day away from my ridiculous friends is a day well spent. Even if it's with my fellow royalty.

But you had better not play this song at my funeral.

I was quite surprised you even sent me an invitation explaining this, given our history. Yet, I feel perplexed about this whole thing. You do this every hundred years!?! A day spent manipulating the emotions of your precious little ponies?

Discord would be proud at that.

I'll admit, though, the citizens of Equestria must be really brain dead to fall for this whenever it occurs.

Then again, I shouldn't be that shocked. What with all the crazy shit that happens in our backwater town due to the dumb hics who live here.

But what about the fucking coffin industry? Wouldn't they find it suspicious that a couple princess sized coffins were ordered by royal decree?

Furthermore, how did you manage to get one designed for me? Was there a buy two coffins, get one free sale?

Or was it because Princess Luna couldn't get a refund for my coffin? You're royalty. Fuck the economics. Return the damn thing, you cheapskate.

Wait. I have a better idea. I propose we use the coffin for Prince Blueblood. His death will be permanent, of course!

Hang on... I just remembered that this was to be a princess only event.

Yet Cadence chose not to participate. Why can't I do that? Her strange fetishes way too much for even you to handle, eh Molestia?

Back on point though, how do we do this exactly? Walk up to somepony and asked them to please kill me?

Your fellow co-conspirator,
Twilight Sparkle

"Hey, Fax Machine. Send this to the Princess," Twilight demanded as she finished the letter.

Spike looked back at her with a deadpan stare and just begrudgingly sent the letter to Princess Celestia.

Shortly thereafter he immediately burped out a message from Princess Celestia inviting her to the castle.

Dear Diary,

Getting the funds for the funeral was easier than expected. All you need to do is put it on Blueblood’s tab and damn the consequences.

I also didn't see the point of telling my so-called friends of my fake funeral. Makes things much more authentic. Plus, it'll be nice to see what they have to say about me face to face.

I could almost see the headlines now.

Princess Twilight Sparkle: Dead At Eighteen.

The Most Successful Assassination of Princess Celestia

Princess Luna. Dead. Who The Fuck Cares.

Newspaper headlines do seem to give easy exposition of things...

But before my funeral party, we princesses had to do the traditional hat of death ballot.

Celestia's card was to die of old age. Pretty easy for an old hag like her. Luna's card was death by allergy to animal fur. Strange considering we're all animals technically. Yet, when it came my turn, every time I picked a very exotic way to die, Celestia insisted that I should draw again.

Damn. I wanted those cards.

In the end, I got death by several extreme injuries to the flank. Oh the possibilities...

I could have my flank impaled by some stallion’s sharp stick, if you catch my drift.

Or maybe I could get Queen Chrysalis to kill me with whatever Terradamn thing she cooks up. I've heard she got this new claw appendage.

Or perha—

"Wwwooaaaaahhh!!!" Twilight cried out as she slipped on a banana peel, left by Pinkie Pie, onto a flight of stairs into her inevitable fate.

Dear "Princess" Twilight Sparkle,

If you want to get killed, I could've be of assistance.

Prince of the Dawn,
Prince Blueblood

Dear Pinkie Pie,

Good job ordering all those randomly assorted miscellanea for Twilight to fall on. Now, we'll be rid of her for sure.

Your friends,
Applejack, Rainbow, Rarity and Fluttershy

Dear Rarity,

If you think that being the Princess of Love implies that I'll love sharing my role with anypony else then, you thought wrong.

How about I show you, via chart, the hundred and one ways I can kick your flank.

Princess Cadence

One funeral preparation later...

Dear Diary,

Continuing where I left off... Fate apparently decided to fuck me in the ass that day and did the job for me. Painfully, I might add. That was some Final Destination bullcrap right there.

Thankfully I didn't get the iron butt after the whole ordeal.

Also, you would think no one likes to beat a dead horse but my friends sure did, with large metal baseball bats. Now I have bruises all over my body. Ouch.

I passed out by that point only to wake up six feet under. Wondering how long was I "dead"? A week perhaps? I was tempted to one-inch punch my way out until I realized that my funeral had just started.

Invoking the powers of the sheep talisman, I was astro-projected out of my "sleeping" body, and you wouldn't believe what I saw.

You would think that my friends would all be mourning at my deathbed. Asking for my forgiveness for things like what happened during the wedding. But no. Fuck that.

Instead, Ponyville was doing a carnival in celebration of my death.

What. The. Fuck?

I even overheard my useless friends discussing how they should raise Fax Machine now that I'm "gone".

Speaking of which, Fax Machine wasn't around. I figure he decided all was lost in getting Rarity’s flank in bed with him and he decided to hightail to the dragonlands to get some of the new dragon lord’s hidden treasure.

But the ponies who arrived for the royal funeral were even more surprising.

Inviting Sunset and her gang? Really!?! What was Celestia thinking!?! They have a human version of me there! Perhaps the princesses wanted to further integrate both Equestria and Terra.

Yet, that's not the half of it. It got even worse once these dang ponies started their eulogies.

Seriously, what's with everypony and their grandmare lusting after Fluttershy’s flank!?!

What. Am I not sexy enough!?! Just look at my flank! Ponies want to get a load of that purple ass.

There was also this dumb colt with a propeller hat that walked up to my coffin, said “Press F,” and left. I'll never understand Ponyville customs.

My situation became interesting, though, when all these other mares started confessing their love for me.

What a load of bull.

Princess Celestia put them up to this, didn't she? Well, I'm not falling for it!

I will confess that Trixie’s idea of using a duplication spell on herself for some sexy fun times sounded very erotic. I doubt she could cast that spell perfectly however.

And don't get me started on Discord. Up to his old tricks when he snapped his claw next to my coffin.

Well, like my ex-mentor’s prank, I'm not going to give a flying feather about his schemes. I won't panic...


not me................

perfectly calm.........................................

probably not important......................................................................................


After my obviously non-panicking mood, some crazy lunatics started spouting about putting dear old moonbutt on the throne and making the night last forever.

Really!?! First Celestia. Then Discord. Now Princess Luna!?! Is this prank Princess Twilight Day? I don't approve.

And how can these crazy cults put a "dead" princess on the throne? What could they possibly do? Kidnap my "dead" body and use my blood for some demonic ritual to return Nightmare Moon?

Anywho, the royal guard was, as usual, useless as fuck even with my nimrod of a brother present. You know, the Captain of the Guard. Gosh, our military sucks balls...

Fortunately, my deadbeat student and her annoying sidekick saved the day with some cheap magic tricks.

I would be relieved that the fake crisis was averted if I wasn't laughing my ass off when I saw what Trixie drew on my face ended up on her stupid little muzzle instead.

I'm thinking that was Discord's revenge on that mare for calling him a klutzy draconequus.

Making my grand entrance of being revived, I seize this opportunity by taking credit for everything.

Thankfully Rainbow left before that. Otherwise that narrow minded foal would've started screaming “Zomponies!”

That mare really should stop watching horror movies.

Surprisingly, everypony decided to pin the blame of this little incident on the princesses for all the problems caused. For once, these ponies are growing common sense. Fucking finally!

Your Newly Reborn Messiah,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

During Pinkie’s Eulogy,

"I heard some ponies suggest that Twilight should be cremated. So I went ahead and filled her coffin with cream!" Pinkie explained.

"Dammit Pinkie." Twilight thought, her coffin currently covered in whip cream.

During Applejacks' Eulogy,

“Twilight was a great friend. I cannot tell you how lucky and blessed I was to have known her. She was like family to me an’ the rest of my kin, and she was loyal to us, even when we weren’t always loyal to her. She was willin’ to help me out when I was in over my head, or give me a good smack down to reality when I was doin’ somethin’ stupid. I want everypony to know how great she was, somepony who really deserved the title of princess. Why I remember...” Applejack said in a rather mechanical voice.

“Will you just kiss her, already?” Rainbow shouted.

“What?” Applejack shouted in shock.

“Seriously, could it be any more obvious you are in love? Honestly.”

"That ain't true Rainbow. You know that," Applejack defended.

"Oh yeah?" Rainbow said with a smirk. "Didn't you marry Twilight after that drunken fiasco last month?"

"Moving on!" Applejack interrupted rather adamantly.

Dear Sister,

Should we tell Twilight that those mares confessing their love wasn't a prank?

-Princess Luna

Dear Sister,

Let's not, dear sister.

-Princess Celestia

P.S. Let's not do these funerals ever again.

Dear Discord the Devious Dick,

You conniving piece of shit!

You think this is funny!?! Well, I'm not laughing.

If I ever find you, I've got two hooves with your name on them, buster!

Get ready to taste the rainbow, motherfucker!

Rainbow Dash

"Hey there, my glorious sunshine. Whatcha writing?" Zephyr flirted as he suddenly teleported beside Rainbow Dash.


Author's Note:

Original Story Here: https://www.fimfiction.net/story/341770/the-random-royal-funeral

Check Out The Author: https://www.fimfiction.net/user/29633/Darth+Link+22

Please Keep in mind that this Fimfiction is not an attack on the Author or His Work. I actually like his story and this letter is done just for the laughs.

Appreciate every like, comment and follow and please tell more people about this story:scootangel:

Try to spot all the references where it be from the show itself or from other media:rainbowlaugh:. Even references from other stories by the same author.

I'll also like you to tell me what made you laugh and what I can do to improve on for better inspiration for these letters.



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