Unicorns and Pegasi did not spend too much time together these days. Although earth ponies, unicorns and pegasi had been living in harmony for as long as even Celestia could remember, the two races had lived separate lives, each fulfilling their time-consuming duties all throughout Equestria.
On the one hoof, there was Canterlot’s elite, whether noble or savvy business ponies who tended to associate only amongst themselves, or the more humble unicorns who were typically too busy studying the art of magic to make time for friends and relationships and married only out of family obligation.
On the other hoof the majority of pegasi grew up to manage and monitor the weather. Weather was so crucial to balancing life in Equestria that only few pegasi squandered their feathery gifts to explore other opportunities. If a pony had wings, they were expected to pitch in and make sure the land got the rain it needed, or blanket the countryside with snow when the days seemed fit.
By the sheer nature of their duties and lifestyles, unicorns and pegasi often found the greatest challenge in working out a social life, let alone fit in each other into their schedules. Whenever this topic emerged, many perspectives were tossed around:
“Unicorns and pegasi can form strong friendships! I don’t know and pegasi myself, but I’m sure they are nice ponies to be around. Maybe I can find a spell to show me-”
“A pegasus knows his job, and shouldn’t ask for more. I respect unicorns and everything they do for Equestria, but I think there is nothing wrong with pegasi sticking together. What’s worked before works again, right?”
“Mercy me, I don’t think I could ever be – friends – with a common-hoof. No offense to the company present, of course.”
“That’s fine with me. I’m too busy making sure Canterlot isn’t buried in a whiteout every winter. Your wing-making magic doesn’t quite do the job a Pegasus is required for.”
The arguments had changed little over the centuries. The few couples between the two races would raise eyebrows here and there. Ponies would dig their hoof into the ground with heads lowered as they felt it necessary to explain their relationship to their parents. Surprisingly, earth ponies had enjoyed the privilege of associating with both sides since Equestria was founded. They had climbed up the social ladders of the elite and worked their way into the hearts of those ponies who would soar above them. However, since taking sides usually lost them their friendships, they tend to stay out of the endless debate.
In modern times, the subject was less fierce. While older ponies still quietly stuck to their stance, the younger generation was quieter about their ideas on the matter. Unicorns in Canterlot found it easier to avoid or outright ignore pegasi as they passed by. Pegasi, being more work-oriented, kept to the task at hoof. As they said, the only pony who worked harder than a pegasus is a down-to-earth earth pony.
Even in Ponyville - the famous melting pot of pony towns - one would not have found find too many mixed couples. The only true evidence of possible change in this trend would have been the Cakes, whose mixed ancestry had blessed them with a unique pair of the most popular foals in town. Although, they did not talk about it too much – not everypony was comfortable discussing something which had not been truly culturally accepted. Some also pondered whether the Cakes were even aware of the significance of their foals having been the first pair of siblings of different races.
The uneasiness had been considered a great irony of the harmony and magic of friendship in Equestria for ages. Unbeknownst to Ponyville, the greatest surprise was yet to come, for there was one pony who had never been exposed to the controversy, its history, or its sheer magnitude.
This town’s one weather-pegasus, a light blue pony with a mane of many colors, flew over the clouds and spun them to her will as she pondered what she would say to the one unicorn whom she felt may have been her special somepony. There hadn’t been any talk of who could or could not be friends in flight school. Her time spent in Ponyville had never engaged her in anything philosophical or controversial either. After all, it hadn’t been until recently that she had considered ‘big thinking’ only for eggheads.
She definitely wasn’t too busy for a social life, either – everypony knew how fast she could finish her daily work tasks. Her role as an Element of Harmony had brought her even closer to unicorns, two in particular, which had brought her to the opinion that such daily interaction with unicorns was normal for anypony. Upon retrospect, one might have concluded that this once-in-a-lifetime concoction of circumstances may have been responsible for what could be considered one of the most heartfelt relationships ever to grow in this humble town.
Rainbow Dash, showing off her namesake, whipped through the air to dissipate the stratus clouds. Once she freed up some work space, she pulled on all sides of a cumulus until she formed a more spherical shape.
It needs a horn, Rainbow thought to herself. Banking around to the underside, she flew through the cloud and out the top, achieving the desired effect. Next, she bucked chunks of cloud out to shape a few spaces. “Eyes and mouth… check!”
She designated extra cumulus to add details. She dragged a trail of stratocumulus once spreading under her and styled it on top of her masterpiece. “And the mane completes it!”
“Sweet! Now the hard part.” She molded a stratocumulus into a makeshift rope to lasso her piece of art and fly it to its intended spot. She pulled her sculpture very carefully to the destination, brushing her mane out of her eyes so she could see where she was going. One bump into a stray cloud and this would all have been for nothing. She broke a few sweats, but for that special somepony she would have made one of these in every city.
* * *
Twilight Sparkle had a few days off. Her five checklists were run through and complete, Spike was napping downstairs, her magic study assignments had all been finished the week before, and she had read the latest ‘Daring Do and the Missing Merchant’ ahead of time. With a basic levitation spell, she put the novel onto a new shelf she had added to her room, labeled as ‘outbox’ for any books she thought – or in this case knew – Rainbow Dash would request to read.
However, having two days off felt strange to her, strange enough that she started pacing around the room with unease. She barely finished a single lap when she started hearing shouting from outside the library. “What is that?” she said to herself. “It sounds like somepony’s calling my name, but who would-”
Spike ambled into the room with a yawn briefly stuck in his throat. “Sheesh, what’s all the commotion, Twilight? Even a dragon needs his beauty sleep.”
Twilight laughed. “Beauty sleep? You’ve been spending too much time with Rarity, haven’t you?” She turned to the window to peer out and caught a glimpse of rainbow mane. “Oh, it’s just Rainbow Dash. Figures. My other friends knock. Spike, take this down: Remind me to lecture her.”
“I don’t mind, but can I do it later? I just want her to stop so I can doze off.” Yawning continued to interrupt his speech. “Don’t try to wake me. And I don’t want to see a quill, let alone TOUCH one, for at least two days got it?”
“Go ahead and get some rest, Spike. I got this.” Twilight took a step back. After a little concentration, she worked her teleportation magic and appeared in front of the library’s main doors. “Rainbow! How am I supposed to figure out how to plan my next two days off with all your yelling?!”
Rainbow Dash flew three somersaults in excitement. “Hey, Twily! What took you so long? If it were me, I would’ve been outside in-”
“Yes, Rainbow,” Twilight said, rolling her eyes, “I know how fast you are. But still, why are you-” She looked up as she was speaking, then stopped mid-sentence as she saw the cloud her pegasus friend worked on all morning. Her eyes widened in shock, awe, and a little confusion. “Is that … me?!”
“Yep! I finished my work in town early to finish this baby! I only sculpted your head though,” she added, scratching her head in nervousness. “To be honest, it was the first time I did anything this detailed. Pretty cool, huh?”
Twilight blinked, still in surprise. “Oh, wow. It’s like looking into a mirror. At least, a mirror that turns ponies into clouds, I guess.”
“Sweet! I knew my favorite egghead would go for something like this. So you’re not… doing anything tomorrow, are you? I thought we could,” she stumbled her words in hesitation, “you know, hang out. ‘Spending time together,’ if you want egghead-talk.”
“I actually just cleared up tomorrow! We could make this work.” Twilight used her horn to conjure a scroll and quill in excitement. “Let me just make a list for what we can do. With the right planning, I bet we can-”
“No! I’m taking care of all the planning and all the boring stuff.”
“Boring?” Twilight zapped her planning supplies back into the library.
“Well, yeah. Not to be mean or anything. We just don’t hang out very often.” Dash threw on her bravado, flexing and zipping to and fro. “You worry too much; you don’t want to end up with a grey mane!”
Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Okay then, should I invite the others?”
Rainbow’s anxiety started to get the better of her. “NO! Sorry, I’m just jumpy today. Lots of sugar – yeah, from Pinkie’s treats! I was actually planning out a day just for the two of us.” Her voice became hushed. “You’re so busy all the time. I just wanted to show you some of the exciting stuff that I get to see. Look, spells can’t show you everything. I can show you awesome things your magic could never bring to your library!”
Twilight couldn’t help but start laughing. “What’s this all the sudden? Where's the too-cool-for-school Rainbow Dash?” She motioned for Rainbow Dash to land, who complied and slowly floated to the ground. She then trotted up to her, causing Dash to lean back from their sudden proximity. “In that case, you write your plan out for us. Be sure to make use of the whole day. No pressure! You sure you’ll have your work done in time for us to have the whole day?”
Rainbow’s confidence visibly soared, nodding upward with her chest puffed out. “Don’t worry yourself, Twily – I’ll have it done in-“
“Yes, yes, I got you the first time,” she managed to say in spite of giggling up again. “Meet me here in the morning, okay?” Twilight began to trot back into her house. Thinking she could no longer be heard, she asked herself one loose end of confusion from that conversation. “Twily?”
Rainbow waited until the door was shut before she flew in the air to blow off some steam, but mostly she blushed. “Stupid, stupid Rainbow Dash,” she called out into the air resistance, which replied by muffling her. “Why’d you call her ‘Twily?’ Ungh, she probably thinks I’m an idiot now.”
Both ponies went about their business in preparation for the next day. A unicorn looked forward to the excitement and wonder the next day would bring and a pegasus looked forward to the magic they might share.
Words have never been spoken more true in this tale about a Unicorn and a Pegasus -> Truer words have never been spoken than in this tale about a unicorn and a pegasus -> You might want a prereader
twidash is always win, but this is 20% more win than plain old win.
I love a good Twidash
I can give it a chance.
610856 Explain "spacing out the story." Also, I am new to the functionality of this kind of website: I know I can edit the front-side of my story, but how can I actually go into a chapter an edit it? <<forgive stupidity (though I guess you forgave my stupidity already if you suffered the sloppy editing job, lol)
610855 Thank you for correcting me on this. My biggest confusion in grammar typically comes from forgetting whether an adjective gets -er/-est, or if one needs to phrase it as "more blank" or "most blank."
TwiDash? Instant like make it where Dash is the nervous one? double insta-like!
Lacks polish, but I see potential. I'll keep an eye on this.
Try to use the return key a bit more I think Clonetrooperkev means. Indents are nice, but they don't really help with the feeling of creating a wall of text.
vary nice, I love the set up for this one. it makes it feel real and the drama that can come from it, this is shaping up to be a great read.
You have some good ideas(especially Unicorn/Pegasus headcannon), but the prose feels wordy, for an example, there is a lot of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome(ezn has a good article about common grammar and style mistakes like this).
> She then trotted up to her Pegasus friend, which caused her blue friend to lean back from their close sudden proximity.
Could be written as(but other variations work)
> She then trotted up to Rainbow Dash, who then leaned back.
Show, don't tell - the reader can infer that Rainbow Dash leaned back because Twilight got close; on the flipside, don't show/tell unnecessary details; referring to a character by description but not name is distracting outside of a scenic situation or when you can't use her name, and the same applies to Pegasus(unless it's relevant in context).
If replacing excessive description makes it repetitive, then either reword the sentence - the repetition usually stems from repetitive sentence structure(using description just hides the structure), or use more pronouns.
612415 thanks for the specific examples! This will give me a head start when I get off from work to finally get some edits in. I worked both my jobs today, so all I could do was wait until I had a chance to get back to my computer. I really just need to find an editor, because at this point it's clear that I foolishly attempted to edit the thing myself. I didn't even see some of the redundant descriptors and ambiguous pronouns until you pointed them out, and I'm sure there's more.
This is a pretty good start, but could definitely use some polish.
Rainbow Dash's lines and personality seem pretty accurate for her nervous side. Twilight, though, feels like you're trying too hard. You're making her speech sound too formal and too smart. One of the nice things about fanfiction is that your audience already knows the basics of your characters, so you don't have to lay it on so thick.
Also, I disliked the heavy head-canon intro. A story needs to start with something quick and interesting to catch a reader's attention, and instead this has several paragraphs of social sciences. If you want to establish what Equestrian society is like, work on doing it within the story with small subtexts or well-placed dialogue hints. Don't just drop it on the readers' heads from the start.
And, as above, technical issues, editor, etc. etc.
Anyways, I'll be following this. I love seeing authors with potential.
It's okay that you don't like the intro. Not every story can start out like Episode IV! (Star Wars, in case people may actually think I'm referencing ponies.) Don't be so quick to call it head-canon - I don't mean to create any kind of continuity with my stories, nor do I interpret the show to imply what I flesh out through this. Heck, I wasn't even too keen on shipping 'fics until this idea popped into my head the other day. This, like the other story I'm still structuring, are self-contained ideas which anyone can take or leave.
Author with potential - thanks? Anyway thanks for respecting the three R's!
And a big thanks to everyone who rated my story and/or fav'd it!
Very nice start to a story. Just a tad too much purple prose (for me at least) and with a grammar success rate of about 95%. I liked the intro, too. I've had some of the same ideas. Mainly that relationships between same genders are totally fine, but ones between unicorns and pegasi are frowned upon. It's not my head canon, mind you. I just thought it would make for an interesting story or two.
Back to this story: I see you capitalized the words 'unicorn', 'pegasus', 'earth pony' and even just 'pony' once. Don't. They're not names. MS Word may suggest to capitalize 'pegasus', but only because it thinks it's a name instead of a species/race.
For the paragraph length (assuming you haven't trimmed them yet): I don't mind them at all. Sometimes I think people want paragraphs to have a maximum length of five lines. I have no real preference for paragraph length, so you might as well make it more appealing to those who do mind them.
You're also switching somewhat randomly between past tense and present tense, especially at the start of the actual story. The intro being in present tense made me think that the whole story would be in present tense, which until now I have only seen one author use effectively. I suggest changing it all to past tense and past perfect for events further back than the actual story.
Also for your confusion about adjectives: You use '-er' and '-est' for adjectives that have just one syllable or end on a '-y' in the second syllable. At least that's how I learned it. Examples: hot - hotter, easy - easier, expensive - more expensive, and I can't think of a longer, gradable adjective with a 'y' at the end, but you get the idea.
Another point others already made: Twilight sounds like a robot. Or like some government official that uses the exact phrases and words that convey the meaning in the most precise way. I just couldn't hear her voice during most of her dialog.
Two things that stood out to me :
>I was actually planning out a day that just the two of us.
I think you accidentally a word or two in here.
>“Stupid, stupid Dashie,”
She calls herself 'Dashie'? I don't think she'd even let her mother call her that.
If you want, and don't already have another editor, I'd offer myself for that job. I'd hate to see this story get lower ratings just because of (let's face it) not having the best editing. If you want some credentials, then you could look at my story 'Dreamworlds' that I uploaded here. I think you might even like the fic itself.
615835 Thank you for taking the time to show me all this! This is important, because there would be those who would just say, "sux trololo," then disappear into the crowd. I think a big "my bad!" goes to the tense usage. I wanted to change the tense to separate the actual story from the - I don't actually have a good term for what I'm establishing with this, but I don't think it's necessarily in purple prose territory. The way I see it, it's only purple if it's unnecessary. The spots in which the narrative noticeably changes from story to background is the vehicle for the story. Or something. Why am I trying to write a compelling romance when I can't even properly speak? However, if tense hurts that idea more than it helps, then I don't mind necessary corrections.
I didn't even realize I typed "Dashie." That infectious fanfic still follows me, or it would seem.
May I send you a private message to discuss matters with you further?
616100
Okay, after skimming the story again, I admit that the 'purple prose' complaint wasn't really appropriate. I guess I was still thinking about Twilight's speech and that was the best thing that came to mind. There's nothing purple about this story except for Twilight.
And sure, send me a pm.
"Show, don't tell - the reader can infer that Rainbow Dash leaned back because Twilight got close; on the flipside, don't show/tell unnecessary details; referring to a character by description but not name is distracting outside of a scenic situation or when you can't use her name, and the same applies to Pegasus(unless it's relevant in context)."
Agreeing with this part of 612415 's comment especially, as long as you keep in mind that using character names constantly can quickly get very repetitive. You don't want to be referring to a character by their name more than twice (or three times if really necessary) in a paragraph, or things start to get very repetitive. This paragraph itself provides a related example, you'll notice--it can be very annoying when you end several successive sentences with the same word, because it's very repetitive.
Not saying it's bad, but the wall of text at the beginning explaining everything is a bit off-putting. I honestly skipped it to get to reading about action unfolding, I'm sorry. Maybe you could break it up more or even simplified it to shorten it. Other than that, I did enjoy the majority of dialogue, but a few of Twilight's parts did feel a bit off(I've seen this pop up in the comments earlier). Esp the part where she doesn't want to know what Dashie is planning. That pony has so much OCD, there's no way she'd willingly let a chance to find out about a surprise just walk by her.
tldr: thin out opening, keep it more in character, great job and keep up the good work!
You need a pre-reader. but other than that, this fic is quite good. Either way, may I volunteer my services as a pre-reader? I promise to be extra critical.
Gonna be honest, I never liked the whole "Twily" nickname even from Shining so hearing it from Rainbow is a but ehh. I always liked the standard Twi since it seemed more true to the characters, but whatever floats your boat.
I'm not really sure what more to say.It's not the best TwiDash I've ever read, but it's got potential I think to be good. I'm gonna watch it for now in anticipation.
Okie dokie lokie! Scene 1 has been successfully doctored and nursed back to health. Aside from the obvious grammar, tense, and syntax corrections, there are a couple minor details that have been changed. For example: Twilight is no longer robot, and Rainbow Dash's sculpting is now legible.
Scene 2 is in the works. I've learned my lesson the first time, so this won't be rushed!
I agree with other comments Twily does not make a good nickname when it's not coming out of her brothers mouth. Sounds weird.
I like this chapter though. It has a promising beginning and it's really cute. Liked the back story of all the relationships the ponies had and how it was hard for different types of ponies to get together. Will be watching out for the next update.
like the start! Now hurry up! Also I think Twi would work best here as others have noted, Twiley kinda turned into a sibling thing, but it is not criticism just my thoughts on it. Now you are required to update this regularly...
TwiDash is best pony
689431 I am releasing another scene as soon as it's ready to be published. If you check the other comments, you can only imagine how wretched my first draft of the first scene was. I'm not making that mistake again, as it does TwiDash no justice! Also, if I wasn't working 2 jobs and getting little time off to myself, this would've already been completed.
Thank you for liking what I have so far. All I can say to prepare you for what's coming is that the story will flow differently from how normal narration is written. I am literally writing narration of scenes in short story form, so each chapter I put up will be short and focus only on a few characters at a time. If the time or location changes, it's a new scene.
689548
Good to hear, I hope I did not come across as insulting to you at all. I am interested in character build up in every way shape and form so I am definitely interested now.
689600 to lay this to rest - Rainbow Dash IS mad at herself for calling Twilight that. Perhaps the super-cool pony is so new to love that she's terrible at cute nicknames? Or maybe she's unoriginal and can only come up with something she heard Shining Armor call her at the wedding reception. Either way, I was surprised several commented on this because I felt Twi's confusion about the nickname and RD being mad at herself was sufficient to show it was not her proudest moment. But hey, I'm only writing the thing. Either way, it was never EVER planned to be Dash's ultimate authoritative nickname for her.
Also, I looked over your post a hundred times and didn't find anything that could be interpreted as an insult.
The intro-narration honestly felt like it was trying to force my perspective. So, eh.
612794 Hey, if you still need an editor... I got four days until I leave for Vegas. Shoot me a PM and gimmie a link to a GDoc, or your Skype info. If you need an example of my better work as an editor, read anything BUT 'Vacation is Elation'. *shudder* That was a rush job fueled by five days of no sleep. Fucking test days and contest all at once. Ugh... But... yeah. Ask Flame-LoneWolf - Author of "Remorse: Color of Crimson" or Marik_Azemus - Author of "Dragon of the Eclipse". They're both authors I've had the pleasure of working with. I'm sure they'll tell you of my credentials.
TWIDASH FOR THE BUCKING WIN!!!!!!!
You need to add exactly one more word to this chapter. The fate of the world may depend on it.
... Ok, no it doesn't, but still, add another word.
Rainbow Dash: "I can show you the wooooooooorrllld..."
Your opening was stodgy and painful to read. The world-building there is necessary to your story, I can see that, but you could really use a more graceful way of parceling it out to the reader in more digestible chunks. You even have a perfect excuse for it; you're specifically positioning RD as (somehow) being completely ignorant of the lingering bias against miscegenation in pony society, so you could get away with some of her friends having to explain it to her in bite-sized words (because she's RD). Working it organically into the story like that lets the reader parallel RD's discovery that apparently she is a dirty, dirty pegasus for going after horn-heads, too.
Things picked up once you actually got to dialogue, though your writing still feels stiff and overworked in places.
TwiDash with a splash of racial tension and bigotry sounds like too much fun not to investigate further, so I'll keep reading, but I hope at some point you take another run through your work. It could be much more than it is.
Twilight's interaction with Spike feels a little rushed and confusing, but other than that it's a nice first chapter to a story.
Read the first chapter, liking it so far, will read more!
959876
???
Oh well, great story!