5a - Royal Cookies
Pinkie Pie - 5th of Snowfall - Noon
I guess sometimes stuff can get in the way of what’s important. Well, actually important is one of those wibbly wobbly undefinable things, right? I mean almost nopony can agree on what is important. So, that means everypony sees ‘important’ differently, so either nothing is actually important, or everything is.
To me, the important thing was making everypony smile, and the annoying thing getting in the way was the evil darkness of evil thing going on again. I mean, come on! Like we don’t deal with a darkness which will stretch across the universe to dim the light and blacken up the evilly-dark, on like, a monthly basis.
Seriously, we need to franchise out the Elements or something. That kinda thing happens way too often. Yeah, Luna has her Order of the Jade Mare, but they don’t count.
They aren’t the physical avatars of a set of emotionally augmented directed energy weapons. Love is a very powerful force. Even more so when focused into a coherent beam of prismatic evil-doom using a containment bottle of equally coherent but a lesser amount of Friendship.
Well… I guess Vinyl has her bass cannon. Also Lyra has that charm she found. So that’s a start, but they need more rainbows of evilly-doom. Because Friendship is Frickn’ Laser Beams!
Hold on a minute, lasers are light amplification by stimulated emission of radiation. So the Elements can be a laser because it’s love amplification by willful emission of friendship. So they’re a lawef beam. ‘Cuz acronyms!
What I mean is mare has a life, you know? Sure the adventures are their own brand of fun, but sometimes you just want to spend an afternoon baking cookies in the shapes of her friends, ice them in a palette swap of everyone, and give them out on the street to see what ponies do when they realize Twilight’s yellow. They normally eat the cookie.
That’s why I was so happy Princess Celestia told Twilight to nom a chill pill and let the army handle it for a change. I could go back to my plans for baking everyling here a cookie! Unfortunately, a half hour ago I realized they couldn’t actually eat the cookie, so I went downstairs to that awesome indoor mall thingie to see if you could buy love to make cookies with.
What? It’s a changeling hive. They eat love. Everypony likes candy, changelings are kinda ponies. If so fact-o, changelings must have love-based candy, therefore there had to be solidified love someplace I could use to make cookies! Can you say best cookies ever?
I always thought that a buggy mall would be all weird and distracting, like a nightmare for an ADHD person only fun. That wasn’t too far off, just three orders of magnitude. The whole shoppy-bit was one big massive dome, which was weird because the tower is a rectangle shape, making the inside like somepony fit a round peg into a square hole.
The domie bit had a fake sky across the ceiling. It even moved and stuff you could see clouds, and rainbows, and dead pixels. Three of them. Right in the middle. If someling hadn't been flicking them to make them work again I would have gone up there and done it myself.
There were a few real clouds too, they made a second floor to the mall which was laid out like the actual floor but made of clouds. There were a ton of little booths and small buildings in a simple ordered grid pattern each of which was something different. You would think that everything was all organized into section but it totally wasn't!
You had shops selling little glass painted flowers next to shops selling books, next to a food cart selling Chimichangas, next to a place selling hoof stitched dramatic swooshy capes. It was awesome! Everything was easy to move around, but nothing was easy to find. Organized chaos of fun! Like my birthday!
Everything was painted nice and bright, with distinct signs, some of which were those holo-thingies and moved or did other neat things. It was like a mini Las Pegasus without the corruption and mean spiritedness.
I got a little lost wandering the aisles between the shops. It was just so fun to look at everything! Especially all the cool stuff changelings made. I found this one shop which was selling blankets for them. On one side they were lined with a thin squishy jello like stuff and on the other was a traditional quilted fabric.
The shopkeep running it said the squishy stuff was there to protect their wings so they wouldn't’ tear if they moved the blanket roughly. I asked why they didn’t just fold their wings under their shells because I had a buggy friend who did that and I learned that some lings can’t do that. It’s a recessive trait thingie. Like ponies who can roll their tongues into a tube shape.
But then a more important question occurred to me which I just had to ask her. “Wait, you can just make things with a button, why am I in a mall?”
The changeling I was talking to tilted her head, nearly-blue floppy mane sliding over her face. “Um, do you mean why do we have stores if this is a post scarcity economy?”
“Yeah!” I replied with a smile, eager to hear an answer.
“That’s honestly not too hard of a question. Sure all goods are basically free and therefore worthless, but well, services, and experiences still have value.” She frowned, probably assuming I didn’t understand cuz of how I talk. “Think of it like this. Since physical objects have no value, immaterial things gain value. It’s not these blankets that’s making ‘lings come here, it’s the experience of coming out and finding new things. The item is useful, but discovering something new is the real product.”
“Soooo you’re economy is fun based?” I asked curiously.
“Yeah pretty much. Less about what you can produce and more about what you like doing. Me, I like running my little shop. So lings and pones can come and get this blanket I invented, have a little bit of fun with the shopping experience, maybe take a blanket, and go. The product I sell is a good time.” She finished speaking with a smile and levitated a burnt orange, white, and pink quilt from a shelf over to me. “Would you like one?”
Well, it was a nice blanket, and it was exactly same colors as best pony and me. That totally made it a long-distance secret special someponies blankie! Yay! “Sure! I’ll trade you for it!”
She gave me another confused head tilt, and I realized that she didn’t have eyelids. Which was weird. Every other ling I could see had eyelids. “I guess that would be okay. What do you want to give me?”
“A cookie.” I said. “But I can’t make them yet because you guys don't eat pony food, and while you can shift into a pony to eat one that’s not the same. So if you can show me someplace I could get some um- I don’t know… love crystals? Yeah! I need love crystals to make into cookies for everyling. Once I have some I’ll make you a cookie for the blanket!”
She grinned ear to ear and shook her head at me. “That’s a nice idea… but I don't think you could do it. Here have a blanket and if you work those cookies out I’d love to try one.”
I took the blanket and stuffed it into my mane so I wouldn't have to carry it around. The changeling mare’s eyes widened, like literally. “H-how did-”
“How did what?” I asked. It was easier to just not say how I did it.
“That thing with your mane!” she demanded.
“What this?” I asked taking the blanket out and stuffing it back in.
“Yes! How!?” She begged.
I shrugged. “Applied pinkieconarhythmic physics.”
“That doesn't explain anything!” she protested.
“Well, yeah! It’s applied, not theoretical.” I waved a hoof at her and skipped off.
Maybe one of the food cart ‘lings would know where I could get some solidified love stuff. No, not that kind you perv! Unless that was how they did it, I mean it could be right? There are plenty of recipes for erotic treats which use that sorta stuff, so if changelings processed love like-
No, bad Pinkie! You promised Sky you’d go steady with him. Oh! Hey right! I grinned ear to ear as I remembered Sky said he lived somewhere in the badlands. Someling probably knew where his house was. I could visit him for a change! Yay!
“Excuse me.” a high pitched cutely squeaky voice called.
I turned to see a short, like, a whole head shorter than me changeling waving a hoof to get my attention. I thought she was a nymph for a minute, but then I noticed her horn, so she was an adult. If I remembered my buggy stuff correctly that is.
She had some really cool green glowy stripey bits on her sides that kinda flickered and really drew your attention. Like a lava lamp riding a slinky down an up escalator. “Hi! I’m pinkie! What’s your name? The last changeling I talked to said she didn’t have one. Do you have one?”
She turned to look at the shop I had came from and nodded, “Oh! Lambia thirty-four eighty-seven six point two four. Yeah, she hasn't earned a name yet. I haven’t either. You can call me sixty-nine if you wanna have something short.”
I looked up to the fake sky and gave it a dirty look. Seriously? That’s her name? Well I’m not using it. “How does anyling take you seriously?”
She laughed, her stripey bits flickering with her giggles. “The changeling nickname for that is a different number. You said you wanted to try to make love cookies… Do you mean literally or was that an innuendo?”
“I want to make cookies out of love, for everyling here! Also there. Over there too.” I said pointing to random locations in my line of hoof.
“What about over there?” Sixnine asked pointing towards a spot in the cloud level of the mall.
“Them too!” I said with a grin.
“Well I can help! You were asking a worker about love, bad move. They dig, move things, and make stuff. I’m a harvester, love collection and distribution is my thing. I can’t make you solid pure love, but I can spit up of all the dross you want as long as you can provide me the love to make. It’s mostly love, and well, water, natural adhering agents, and stuff.” she offered.
That might work! Twilight said that if you had a big globby bit of lots of stuff you could use science tings to break it down and get each individual part of it separated. “Awesomesauce! Um, but how much love can I give and how do you do take it?”
“I just eat it like anyling would. I personally don’t like ponies non-platonically so I’d rather not get it the other ways when I’m not working.” she mentioned off hoof.
Sixnine reached into a saddlebag and took out a little white thing with a clear blue screen on it. Sort of like a monocle attached to half a pair of headphones. “As for how much Her Highness invented these to help measure love levels.”
She stuck the thingie on the side of her head so the lens was over one eye and tapped a button on the side. It made an adorable beep, then words appeared on the lens. It was hard to read them backwards but I made out the word ‘scanning’.
Then the lens quickly changed to read ‘3.124e+130’. A short word appeared at the end and began to rapidly change. It started as kilo, then became, mega, giga, peta, exa, zetta, yotta, and finally hellalotta. Then it exploded in a small puff of smoke, falling to the ground in pieces.
“I’m sorry I broke your thingie.” I appologised earnestly.
Sixnine rubbed her head where the device had been attached and gave me a hungry looking smile. “Oh no. It’s okay. That’s a good thing! Let’s go make some cookies!”
Pinkie Pie - 5th of Snowfall - Evening
After three hours of working with Sixnine’s dross we came to a conclusion. The only way we were going to get the love out of the fun gummy stuff was by doing science! Making things and breaking things down. Fortunately we managed to pester Twilight into showing us how to separate things! Sixnine almost makes a good me, and I am extra spunky in stereo.
Unfortunately it took an hour for her to explain what we needed was a vortex fluid device. Fortunately Phoenix could just whip one up for us! Unfortunately it was way less interesting than it’s name implied. But fortunately it worked like a charm! Though unfortunately it made a really loud noise that echoed all over my room.
But that was okay because when it was all said and done Sixnine and I had managed to make a five gallon bucket full of pure liquid love. Stop it. It’s not dirty. It’s literally… never mind.
The only question now was how to get the liquid to be a solid so we could grind it into powder to use like flower. A question we solved by trotting back into Twilight’s room (ignoring the locked door) and applying more pestering to prompt the application of more science.
Six had a great time with that. So much fun in fact that she decided to keep her mane and tail slightly pink for a while as a momento. It didn't look very good though, her straight kinda spiky look would be better in a blue, or maybe a light greu. Anywho, after Twilight did her vacuum spinny heat flask thing Six and I had a big bucket filled with powdered emotional energy.Ha! Take that pervy minded people!
So what did we do? Well I realized that if we wanted to make a cookie from pure love we would need some dry love, some wet love, and some sticky love. Faust damn it… There’s no escaping the innuendos... So we used the separator thingie to make another bucket of just the liquid, and then another bucket which Twilight anticipated and made into a butter-like gel for us.
With a wet, a dry, and a fatty ingredient at our hooftips cookies were possible! Of course since cookies were possible that meant there was a fifty-fifty chance of me making them or not, ‘cuz in the end either I would or I wouldn’t. I thought about seeing if I could use this quirk of statistics to make a Schrodinger's Cookie, but decided that's probably something best kept for another experiment.
The oven dinged.
“I got it!” Six exclaimed, jumping up from our game of table calvinball.
She opened the oven with her magic and slowly slide the first tray out. Instantly the entire room was tinged green as the glowing dozen cookies were pulled from the depths of the noms factory.
“Ack!” Six exclaimed almost dropping the backing sheet, “It’s like walking into a cloud of perfume!”
I stood up and went to check them for myself. They certainly smelled nice! Like a combination of Pony Joe’s doughnuts and liquid rainbow sauce.
“Well, they look okay.” I decided.
They did, nice round disk shapes. Sure they were green, and glowing, and had a heart shaped indent in each one of them, but that just made them more tasty looking! Also yes technically they were made from changeling vomit, but then again honey is just bee vomit and it’s delicious so I guess insect spit is supposed to be nummy.
“I can eat one?” I mused, rubbing my chin with a hoof.
“You probably shouldn’t. Ponies can eat a little love if we give it to them but by all accounts more than a millihug is like eating a kilogram of heroin like it was rock candy. Only you don't just die.” Six said as she put the tray atop the oven.
“Oh.” Well that kinda sucked. “How much is one of these?”
Six took a spare scanny thingie out of her saddlebag, put it on, booped it and announced breathlessly, “Twelve petahugs… This may not actually be safe for anyling to eat. That's like a years worth of food right there. These could solve our food shortage!"
“But you're gonna eat one anyways aren't you?” I asked with a giggle.
“Ha! You bet your cutiemark I am!” She laughed wings buzzing excitedly, fangs poking through her smile.
“Well we should let them cool first.” I blinked remembering something I had meant to ask someling earlier. “Oh! Right! So I have a um, friend who should live somewhere around here. I’d ask him but future me borrowed my phone so I can’t message him cuz the number was in it. Anyways his name’s Sky Trigger and I was wondering if you knew where his house was, cuz I know it’s not in Appaloosa so is there another town around he-”
“Burnt orange pegasus, likes to build things?” Six askterupted.
“Yeah!” I answered.
“He lives here. Like three floors down I think. Though you’ll find him in the machine shop most of the time.” Six said casually.
What? Here? The machine shop? Like that building just over there outside the tower? YAY!
I gave Six a huge smile and zipped out the door calling, “Take those cookies to some friends and tell me how it goes tomorrow bye!”
Harvester λ45671.69 “Sixnine” - 5th of Snowfall - Evening
It took a while for those cookies to cool. Long enough for me to work out Pinkie had zipped off like that to go glomp a special somepony. You could totally tell by how her aura tasted when she sprinted away. I guess the two had been long distance lovers. That had to suck.
Oh well, at least the stupidly hugely friendly mare had somepony! Me? I had like, um… Well I had a super soft round pet bed! Yeah! Best cozy bed ever. If well, empty aside from me. Still comfy though!
That did make it a bit hard for me to take the cookies to ‘friends’ like Pinkie had asked. I did have plenty of acquaintances though. I’m sure that would be good enough. Though it would be a shame to not try one while they were still warm.
I picked up one of the cookies in my magic and licked it. Oh sweet merciful goodness that was mind blowingly delicious! I didn’t even perceive scarfing it down! One moment lick, next moment boom entire body filled with so much love I felt like I would burst.
Oh bucking tartarus I could feel my exoskeleton literally cracking! I dropped to my knees, then my belly. “Ah! Help! Med-ow!”
“What?” Her Highness’s voice asked over the intercom. “Oh! Standby for transport…”
There was a blue-white flash of light, and I found myself on a biobed in what looked like Her Highness’s hull’s medical bay. “Standby, I’m isolating the problem… Oh…. Um… okay.”
I winced as my exoskeleton split, sending a tinge of pain all down my back, sides, limbs, plot… “Ah! W-wha-”
“It’s okay. This appears to be a natural process. Your metabolism is running at an impossibly high rate. It looks a lot like just before a nymph molts to her adult form.” Phoenix said gently. “Here, I’ll administer a painkiller.”
There was a quiet hiss of gas, and the pain slowly began to ebb away.
“Scratch that… You seem to be growing a chrysalis. So more like larva to nymph. I haven't’ seen this before. Do you know any-”
I groaned and smacked a hoof into my forehead, “Oh my Faust, Pinkie and I invented Royal Cookies!”
“You did what?” Her Highness asked curiously.
“Anyling isolated from their hive, who eats enough love, becomes a Queen.” I said slowly, starting to fall asleep from the metamorphosis.
“But… you lack the genetic structures to produce Queens. This is something I have well documented.” Phoenix protested.
My eyes shut off. Man that sucked. But it was okay, I would probably pull through this. I could feel my body regenerating and my love levels were not even beginning to diminish. “Looks like… a stupid-large… amount of love… can do it… anyways. Tell Pinkie… should probably… not give out… cookies. Or we could give one of them to everyling… That could solve a few problems…”
Phoenix chuckled. “I love you guys. Your species is so delightfully weird.”
“Likewise… Your equal-altitude-ness.” I quipped mindlessly.
The last thing I heard was Phoenix laughing at my joke. Which was terrible because that joke sucked. The last thing I would hear for a month was a terrabad joke. Heh.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1YXdnI5NvCd-lQyXNbk86Acy2x_vXh7GcFAbZz8FYbO0/edit?usp=sharing
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Now I'm curious about what would happen if Cadance set off a love bomb in the area.
6121064
I suspect she wouldve married him. the Prince Of Wails, Tom Jones.
First we build it and make money selling it, then we work out how it actuall works.
But thats no way to control the market. first you must work out how it actually works, so then we can patent it, and sit on them so everyone esle has to pay us excessive licensing fees for no extra work on our part.
I thought the conversion was from Nymph to queen. if so, and everyling ended up a Queen, how quickly would they be able to spread out to so many Queens per solar system, to create a Borg crushing galactic swarm?
Pink pone shenanigans are the best shenanigans.
Darn you, Pinkie Pie!
Which just goes to show much common sense the average pony has.
Dead pixels in the fake sky?
Right up Pinkie's alley!
That's a surprisingly good explanation.
So, Pinkie is way more than nine thousand, eh? Figures.
And she just made inedible love cookies?
Okay, inedible for safety reasons cookies.
Dude. Dude.
That was really, really good.
Like, I'm going to remember that one.
Nicely done.
Oh my! Queen inducing cookies. At least pinkie did not try to give them out to everyling she met. :D
6124675 ....yet....
oh hey, I finally got around to reading this!
damm pinks, you could of just solved a lot of food shortage prob
6128748 She still may. Research has begun to potentially create pill sized versions of her product. All still in the theoretical stage of course. They are far to dangerous as is at the moment and are safely locked away.
"What did you say her love level is again?"
"It... IT'S OVER 9,000!"
"9.000? THERE'S NO WAY THAT CAN BE RIGHT!"
I regret nothing.
6121064
Insta-queen for everyone.