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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Between Celestia and Silver "in" their bed.
"They" remained a close unit for the remainder of "their" time in the dock.
I'd also change "adversity" to "grief" or "sorrow."
When "they" finally lifted anchor.
Put a comma after "haven't."
The tone here seems to imply that Luna didn't know about his bangle. However, that's not the case; he told her about it previously, shortly after he acquired it. She suggested that the original premise behind it - that it was a punishment - may have been a distorted history.
6130231 Tweaks made gently.
6126799 I was not making any value judgement, just labeling it. You have said yourself that you are very touchy about death. Looking back at your other stories, I realize that you never actually kill anyone. Celine leaves him and Luna explains later that she's gone. Long Road goes off on a crusade and Rarity is upset when she hears he died. Aila dies in between chapters and her sister tells Silver about it. Although you do invest heavily in other characters' reactions, there is a lot of drama lost in the "FYI she's dead" format. This is partially the result of the method you chose; death by poison is most often used for cases where the death is going to be discovered afterwards, as in a murder mystery. A lot of the drama in the death of a character that the protagonist loves comes from their futile attempts to stop it. Since it is already done by the time he hears about it, his self-doubt and blame feels more detached. He didn't have a chance to try stopping it, so he didn't fail.
Wondering how sheI will break what is going on with her family in SaddlArabia? Maybe get a chapter on the rest of the herd and what's been happening back in equeatria? Great chapter
6130364 Shei arrived while it was happening, but Silver was busy coughing up blood, and Celestia was comatose at the time. She fled in the same panic she entered, trying vainly to find somepony that could help. She dies as 'on-camera' as someone who can't move in another room can possibly die. Would a short chapter from Shei's perspective help?
6130443
Maybe. The only problem with that is that it's Silver's story, and Silver's reaction is the one that drives the plot forwards. He had a good reason to not be there, but at the same time, you gave him that reason. Like I said, poison is really difficult to handle in a story. If you're there to see it, it tends to either seem fake or get really graphic and horrifying. You kind of painted yourself into a corner, since Silver's realistic reaction is somewhat disappointing. If he had seen it, and reacted to it while he was poisoned and not in his right mind, it would have felt either contrived or surreal. This is why I shouldn't be commenting on this story; I poke at it, but can't offer any useful advice for how to improve it.
6130312 The healing process finally begins. Silver and the others are slowly coming to terms with what happened, and as bad as they feel, are starting to come around to a place where they can move on. It's still sad, but at least Silver has been able to help Shei, and likewise is aware that there's more to focus on than just his grief.
I was glad to see that Silver was directing most of his attention to Shei's state of mind, but I feel like something was lost between the end of the last chapter and the start of this one, in that regard. Last we saw them, Silver and Shei were each in the throes of terrible emotional pain, closing with Shei's practically wailing with guilt. Now, Silver has it in his head that he needs to watch over Shei...okay, but we never got to see the leap of logic that he made which caused him to realize that it was about more than just him.
In other words, his role switched from being just a grieving lover to being a point of stability and caring for Shei, and we were denied seeing him make that transition. That's something of a loss for us, because that was an opportunity to see Silver grow. His role as a prince is to look after those in his care, rather than just indulging himself - this is doubly true for his concubines. He may know that intellectually, but this would have been a chance to see him feel what that responsibility means, in that he would have had to shake off that smothering grief so that he could take care of the pony that needed him. Instead, we just transitioned straight from "he hasn't gotten it yet" to "he's already realized what he needs to do," and in doing so lose the character development (or at least, lose a lot of it).
Still, we did see some growth, in Silver's realization that what he was feeling was likely what many other cats were feeling as well. That's not nothing, but I feel like there's very little room for expansion of his character, here. Silver has never been eager to deal out death and judgment - every other time he killed someone, there were immediate threats to contend with. Perhaps this was showing that he's learned that moving away from that and towards more premeditated actions (which was what his attack spell here was) is a path that he wants to cease walking down. That's something, but avoiding a vice as soon as you start it doesn't seem quite as dramatic as overcoming an existing one.
Amenti's letter was insightful, both with regards to her and for her country's reaction to all of this. She was quite clearly conflicted, filled with disappointment over what he did even though she still had feelings for him (to say nothing of her sorrow for what he suffered in return). I suspect that this took the edge off of her crush for him, which is probably for the best, even if it had to happen because of such an awful sequence of events. Still, she did her part in putting an end to it all, and she clearly wants to move on. So apparently there won't be anymore political fallout...which is kind of a shame, since that's so dramatic (for me, at least). Ah well...
It was interesting to get Luna's take on the entire debacle. I was struck by how she grinned at the description of Silver attacking the cats, and then outraged by Aila's death. Things wold have been very, very different if they'd stuck to the original plan and she had gone instead of Celestia. As it is, I'm amazed she wasn't raging more; it's a good thing that there was an immediate need for her to act as an emotional healer for Shei; I doubt Luna would have seriously contemplated revenge from all the way in Equestria, but it's far better not to find out either way.
Also, so now Silver is making a mess in real life when he has orgasms in his dreams? I'd normally call foul, since that's never happened before...but I suppose we can chalk that one up to the bangle.
It's sad that Silver missed the birth of his first child (whom we know is a colt). Still, it's good that it went well (though I'm surprised Silver didn't ask more about it; that seemed a bit too much like disinterest). That said, what could Twilight's surprise be? Normally I'd guess that she was using some sort of time-traveling spell to send him into the past, but why would that need any work done at all, the way Luna said? Twilight already knows that spell, after all...maybe the work is to create a version that can be used on someone else, rather than just the caster? Of course, that'd mean that Silver was there for the birth of his child, and everyone else there would know it...all except for Silver himself.
With regard to Silver's plan to gather energy from the other alicorns in order to impregnate an alicorn mare...I can see where he's coming from with this, and I recognize both the logic of the plan and the thematic element it represents ("it's the child of all of us - we're all its parents"), but I personally don't care for it. I know that it's supposed to be inclusive of all of them, but that seems to diminish Silver's role in the process. I'd prefer to see him grow unto his own - at least in this regard - rather than needing a helping hoof.
I'm also a bit suspicious of the mechanics in this particular venture. When Silver pours energy into an alicorn mare normally, if it doesn't quicken a foal, then it's converted into her own type of magic and absorbed...over time. It doesn't happen instantly. That should mean that that would work in reverse too...if Silver absorbs energy from other ponies, he can't make it his own instantly. Oh, he can use it instantly, to be sure - we've seen that happen before on multiple occasion - but then it won't be uniquely his magic. He'll just be pooling the magic of the other alicorns into whatever mare he's inside of, along with his own.
That's a problem, because those other alicorn mares' magic is likely to be unable to quicken a foal, since being specific to them means that it'll be specifically female - it won't help with impregnation at all, in other words (in fact, that much more mare alicorn energy could make it even harder for Silver's seed to overcome it). I suppose Silver could try and absorb their magic ahead of time and let his body acclimate to it all, but it's implied that doing so is essentially "digesting" it, at which point I suspect that much of the excess energy will be broken down anyway.
That's my theorizing, but in the end it just comes down to the fact that I don't care much for the comparative reduction of Silver's role that comes from needing all of the alicorns to breed true. It's like with that "stallion bits" spell - it sends a bit too much of a message that the male involved in the process is unimportant, if not (mostly) irrelevant.
6130443 To be clear, albedo isn't commenting on the specifics of why Silver wasn't there in this story. He's commenting on the nature of off-screen deaths in general in your stories, saying that having characters not die in front of the protagonist (or rather, not in front of the audience) robs those deaths of their greatest dramatic potential.
He's not wrong, in that regard, but I personally don't think that's necessarily that big of a deal. It's worth noting that while upping a story's ability to evoke feelings of sadness/grief among its readers is certainly a testament to that work's power, it might not be what the author is intending to do. Not every instance of character death need necessarily be meant to make the readers cry.
6130571
Silver did not grow. He did what I do when suddenly presented with someone else's strong emotions, forget his own. He doesn't like staring at death, and he kinda sucks ass at dealing with his own emotions. Handling someone else's? Man, field day in comparison. Shutting down your emotions and never returning to them? Completely healthy!
It is a lesson that needs to be never forgotten. To blindly lash out invites disaster upon more than yourself.
Most fallout would either have to be very fast and stop them from leaving, or they'd have to be very long-range.
That trip would have been soooo different. Of course, she would have been dealing with Amenti's father. We'll never know how it would have worked out.
You didn't guess it, but nice try. :D
I want to say you're overanalyzing this a tad, and being the core piece that makes it all work hardly feels.... minimal. 20 alicorn females couldn't pull it off.
6130364 6130589 Well, I suppose the important question is, did people feel sad? I heard 'yes' from everyone but Albedo so far. Mind you, I wasn't 'going' for an emotion, I almost never do. I write what I 'see' and if it's a sad thing, it may or may not make people sad.
You ready for his most awesome theory ever theorized... Typo(the word) starts with a T.
6130906
So does, theory, thus proving that theory is a typo. QED.
6130781
Well, transmuting females to males seems to be something alicorns can do, and in particular it's an.. umm.. exothaumic reaction? It releases more magic than it uses up.
So, I guess it would require one willing to give up their femaleness, probably forever, assuming they can't just use Silver's temporary "lower horn" spell to get the job done.
Of course, since they have Silver, there's no reason any of the alicorns would even be doing any of those experiments. (Except Twilight, because Science!)
6130781 To reply:
I meant political fallout on the international scene, e.g. if Anugypt has officially declared this whole sordid affair over and done with because of the death of one with royal blood on Silver's side of it, then other nations may be more inclined to similarly just move on from the whole thing, instead of holding it against Equestria as a whole.
Hello, have we met?
Well, they could if they had that "give a female male parts" spell.
6131142 It already came up that that little trick wouldn't be sufficient to power an alicorn. A standard mare, sure, but sincere cuddles from a stallion could be enough for that.
One of the princesses permanently going prince? Well, isn't that what Silver did?
Part the morning mist
Creamy coat's treatment appalls
Love's loss now comes home
Poor Shei
6132277 Silver brand moisturizer cream will not catch on.
Luna was able to help Shei with her dreams this is good, Silver has a plan to try the next time one of the princess come in to season. pulling magic from all of Equestria this is a good plan if it works the foal would be a foal to all of Equestria and that much more perishes to all.
6141509 Of course, a peaceful night's slumber is not an instant cure. Some wounds have to be seen through to the end.
'Wracked'
vanish whence it came (whence means "from where", making from whence be from from where: redundant)
Nay, he shot; thus the glare. (This is a joke. )
After taking somewhere between 2 and 4 assassination attempts, several of which got quite close, Silver and Celestia are the bad guys for having replied in kind. Yeah, right, ignoring lethal attacks is virtuous and fighting somebody committed to your death is wrong. I'm sure those innocent cats were somehow completely incapable of rigging the ship to founder under them once on the open sea, killing everybody aboard except maybe the alicorns.
Celestia clearly isn't used to real opposition or a determined opponent, since she didn't expect another attack despite it being with something as indiscriminate as poisoned food and her own was heavy handed and ill-timed.
7466372 Very poorly handled by all parties.
Dangit all i wanted silver to be present for the birth i revoke my favorite temporarily
"but I will do what I must, as should you."
Like let her get to be killed (no any protection or warnings) when she arrive to Equestria by raged pony, that know what happend in Anugypt..
Several attempts to kill the head of another state without real consequences for customers and performers of this..
And this apart from the consequences - control of the sun, potential war, the possible end of a new race of lunar ponies ..
Many wars began because of simple insults .. countries were destroyed for attempted murder...
it’s sad that people don’t even know their story..