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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Change the comma to a period.
I'd change "the" to "like."
There's no error here. I just think it'd be really funny if Luna said "Neigh" instead (like Trixie did that one time in the show - "Neigh-sayers").
Counting four heartbeats "per" exhale and inhale.
The "drowned-looking" pony.
There are two spaces between these sentences.
There are two spaces between these sentences, too.
Also, change "flamed" to "flames."
She drew back and nuzzled "him."
6030644 Typos sent sent to the bottom of the ocean.
6030681 What in the heck was that?! Seriously, from out of nowhere comes a force of great power and greater malevolence, endangering everyone on the ship in general, and Silver in particular. It was incredible! Seriously, this chapter was a completely unexpected shift in tone, and the result was spectacular!
Before I go any further in the review and analysis, I'm going to say that I hope that this particular plot-line isn't continued, despite the chapter title. I say that not in spite of how much I enjoyed this chapter - and make no mistake, I liked it a lot - but rather because of it. This chapter struck a very high note, and I'm of the opinion that it should end on it. While there may be some resolution next chapter in terms of the characters trying to make sense of what just happened, I think that this would be more powerful if there were no further revelations regarding what that unknown entity was, what it wants, etc.
This may come across as odd, because I'm normally very much against dangling plot-threads, but in fact there's a key distinction to be made here: this isn't a plot-thread. Rather, this was a world-building sequence. That might sound arbitrary, but the salient element here is that this particular aspect of the story doesn't begin with Silver (this thing has been there a long time, as the sailors' having tales about this part of the sea indicate), doesn't revolve around him (he may have intrigued this thing, to the point of having several attacks directed against him personally, but that all seems to be happenstance, rather than part of some larger plans it has), and won't end with him (whether Silver is there or not, that thing is going to be down there).
Instead, what's happened is that Silver has stumbled onto one of the truly terrible parts of the wider world beyond Equestria. In that regard, this is like rolling terribly on the random encounter tables. This helps to further paint a picture of how the world looks, and in doing so paints a further picture that it's not all rainbows and friendship. That, to me, is the big take-away from this chapter, and it needs no further underlining. Indeed, bringing the monster into the light after this would, I think, rob it of its narrative power. We may see another demonstration of its abilities, but its ultimate nature, goals, full complement of powers, etc. should be undefined. I have my own thoughts on what this could be, and I'm sure everyone else will as well - that's as terrifying as it gets.
Having said all of that, let's go over the chapter proper.
It was a bit amusing to see that Silver was finding himself bored as the trip progressed, simply because of how little we usually see the protagonist sitting around with nothing to do. Of course, that makes for a poor story, so things quickly move on from there. Still, it was rather odd to note that Silver wasn't designing new spells purely for the fun of it. He's got nothing but time, though I suppose he didn't bring his books with him, so there's very little references to work with. Still, one wonders why he's apparently putting all of that time to no constructive use at all.
I frowned a bit at the idea that Silver woke Luna up to summon her into the dreamscape. That sounds very counterintuitive, since one would presume that you'd need to be asleep to access the realm of dreams...just like Silver did in this chapter, when he found his way there while taking a nap. So having Luna be there because Silver awakened her might need to be tweaked a little.
I would chastise Luna for not warning Silver about that thing, but to be fair she has no idea where he physically is at this point. Still, one might wonder why she didn't give a general warning of "I once touched a powerful, evil mind there...something slumbers within the sea that was never a pony. Do not try to view its dreams." Did she just forget? That could have saved Silver a lot of grief.
To be fair, Silver has only himself to blame. While the sailors seem to view that leg of the journey as morbid, if not cursed, Silver's curiosity seems to have aroused that thing's attention, to the point where it's actively attacking him. Between the undead minions it sent to kidnap him, and the psychic attacks - which he seems to be uniquely vulnerable to, due to his dreamwalking powers - it's making quite the play for him. The implication is that this is entirely coincidental, however; that if Silver hadn't tried to look into this thing's dreams, it would never have known he was there, and so probably would have let them pass by without being molested. Now, however, it's found a new plaything...
Of course, the flipside to this is that I don't think that this will progress much further, if it even keeps up at all. That's because, if this thing does regard Silver as something of interest, rather than anything truly vital, it's only going to go so far to try and acquire/torment him. More than that and it will likely become more effort than it's worth, hence why it didn't go to personally collect him. There's simply no purpose in revealing that much of itself, and be vulnerable to attack in return, for what it would get for it.
I also appreciated that this thing has its own brand of psychic powers. Silver may be an intuitive dreamwalker, but it's nice to see that powers along those lines aren't unique to him and Luna. This thing has its own set of mental powers, clearly with some similarities to Silver's, and it's not only more adept at using them, but can also turn them against Silver with stunning effectiveness...especially in conjunction with sending its undead minions.
It's iffy if this chapter will be the end of it, but I hope the monster never comes out from behind its metaphorical curtain.
6030817 More detailed reply pending. It's Everfree NW time!
6030817 So, this chapter. It kinda just flowed out of me as things happened. Silver gently poked a cthulu-esq entity and discovered that the mind is not always a safe place to be, a good lesson. Why did Luna say nothing? She probably didn't prod the door, and that was a long time ago, and she was half-asleep when she was most likely to give the warning.
Silver did not specifically wake her up, prodding Celestia's door summoned her, likely a trap/ward she set up to protect her sister.
Fun fact, only the first fever dream was actually edited by the thing. The rest was it simply gazing at an alien world.
Ah, so now you give your story a Mature rating. I'm guessing there's more innuendos in this one?
6045834 And maybe an actual clop scene somewhere, but I'll warn if a chapter has that hiding in it. Welcome!
6045845 I've been griping about how this series doesn't have a Mature rating even though it has clop -- though admittedly it isn't even remotely good -- and allusions to sex for.... I forget how many stories.
Anyways, you don't have to say which ones have clop if you want that to be a surprise. That's the beauty of the Mature tag; you can put whatever you want as long as it fits the tags you have.
the story coming long nice. keep work up.
6045865 I'm a little curious what you mean here, since you're saying that the series has had clop - that is, explicit sex scenes, so far (leaving aside that "remotely good" is a personal opinion presented as an objective judgment) - but I've only seen allusions to sex happening on-screen. In my opinion, that alone is not enough for the mature tag.
the hell was that? redneck chainsaw deathmatch?
6055193 I don't know, and I lived it. That portion was not edited.
Careful Silver... Don't wake the sleeping Cthulu...
pre01.deviantart.net/27fa/th/pre/i/2012/065/b/0/cthulhu_dreams_by_theartoftk-d4rxg0c.jpg
hollow
Look out it's the Despair Squid.
This should be thoughts.
7416167 More fixing!
6074290
Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn . . . In his house at R’lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming . . . That’s not dead . . . which can eternal lie, and with strange eons even death may die! […] ”
What dream haunts the dreamer of dreams but another dreamer.
Has Silver reached fulfillment and Equestria happens to hold a Skylord within its ocean depths to show him eternal bliss?
No, I didn't think so either.