Motley The Mare

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Motley was always different.
In elementary school, other fillies chatted about how flying went, or how their lives were going above the clouds...but Motley didn't quite like life as a pegasus quite as much. She promises her mother Rainbow she'll learn to love it, but something doesn't quite click...

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Comments ( 9 )

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JimmyRustlerIII

JimmyRustlerIII #1 · Jul 25th, 2015 · · 2 · Prologue ·

primary school? What is that, a Canadian branch of education

Telaros

Telaros #2 · Jul 25th, 2015 · 1 · · Prologue ·

Description could use a bit of trimming. You're telling us a story in the description box where as the story only comes off as a filly who didn't like the idea of being enrolled into a flight camp when she's not even all that good of a flyer. And two Wonderbolt parents? You'd think they'd find time to teach her better.

Anyhow, my own ramblings aside, this feels more like a chapter 2 or 3 in this story. Would have been nice to see some of what the description was telling us rather then just taking it for its word and skip to this moment in time for the filly (young mare?).

Especially this whole "working with wood" thing, I just don't see it. I'd probably leave this flight camp thing for a much later part in the story. Work on at least a chapter that shows us her misgivings and pressure she feels towards having to follow in her parents' hoofsteps.

I think it's got good potential. Long as you expand and pace yourself with it.

ChocolateFan25

ChocolateFan25 #3 · Jul 25th, 2015 · · · Prologue ·

A really nice story so far. I like Motley and she seems so far to be an interesting character. Although, it would be nice if you would introduce her a bit more to the reader. As example, the description says, that she likes to 'work with wood'. What do you mean by that? Is her talent to cut down trees? Build tables? To carve figures? It would be great to mention it at some point in the story. It would make her a more unique character instead of another standard OC-foal of Rainbow Dash and Soarin, who is more of a clone of one of the parents without their flying skills.

Well, I liked the story enough to like and track it. Like I said, it's a good story and it has a lot of potential.