Rainbow Dash's world is about to be flipped upside down.
Not in a literal sense, of course, but metaphorically speaking. You see, a curious letter from the Princess has been presented to her at an ordinary, run of the mill picnic, leading the poor mare on a wild goose chase across Equestria. Who is the one responsible for it? What does the Princess want with her?
Just what kind of burden rests on her hooves?
It's time for you to understand, Rainbow. Friends, enemies, strangers, they're all the same once you get to know them. Keep an eye on your shadow, Rainbow Dash. It's imperative that it stands by your side.
Chapters (5)
. . .
Okay, I'm game.
(Excellent writing, but still
)
Excellent! I got a little confused when I reached the letters, I assume it was written by Rainbow Dash, to her mother, but I could be wrong. This is my first comment on anything, even though I have read so many. Im intrigued by the mystery, suspense, and all the stuff that will be answered in due time. Keep up the excellent writing!
-Tyler Shellberg
At some point you have to reveal what part of this is genius and what part is madness. I will read until I've found you out!
661273 Bear with me here, I have to figure out where I'm going with it. I will reveal everything in due time (or at least I hope so...). But yes, for the first few chapters, it is Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle finding clues about the mysterious funeral pony. If you have any questions about the story so far, or are truly confused about something and I can answer it without revealing anything too soon in the story feel free to ask!
663563
Nothing I won't find out in due time, I think. The one I'm most curious about is whether the narrator of the story is a character or a Lemony Narrator (Warning for link to TV tropes.) If you're just being Lemony I find it amusing (love a good Lemony Narrator), but part of me is thinking that Celestia or someone is telling the story.
Other then that, It's mostly the random-ness of events that feels very post-modern. It reminds me of what I've heard about things like Lost or Carnivale or Inception (but, you know, funny). Since you tagged with random I'm hoping you're going for something like that, and your writing is very good so I'm willing to follow it.
I do occasionally notice some typos or wrong word choices, just so you know. I can point them out if you like, but they never bother me much.
663850 Yes, the narrator is probably the weirdest aspect of it all, and I can see where that's confusing. I do, however, know where I'm going with that one (secret). And yes, about the typos and wrong word choices: since I am the one who proofreads, I try to go into my story and sort them all out. Then, I will read back through and find some of those mistakes (mostly word choices) and just go "well, shoot". Never really feel like changing it... I say it adds character (Lies!)
667258
That's my proofreading method too! Like I said, it doesn't bother me. (Hint: Never edit while you're in the queue. I believe that it doesn't like that.)
Also, I posted to my blog about this story, it hasn't gotten nearly the attention it deserves. I only have a few people watching me, but I hope it helps a little!
667373 Yes, I do not edit mid-story... (since the first chapter
)
And gee, thanks for the recognition! I'm glad that you like the story so far, and I pray I don't disappoint.
(Also, I swear I've seen your stories somewhere before, and I'll have to look into them!)
Thanks again!
I'm here because of bookplayer's recommendations, and I'm liking this weirdness!
You're up!
669852 No, YOU'RE up!
Thanks for the read! And that bookplayer certainly is a nice pony, no?
Totally awesome! Normally something like this would be wordier then I like, but you're a joy to read so I don't even notice. Great job!
695582 Thank ya kindly
Wasn't sure how this chapter would go over... which is why I apologized in advance, haha. In any sense, I don't think that there will be more chapters as long as this one (Maybe one more, we'll see how that plays out).
As always, thanks for the read!
Thoughts on Chapter 1
You're beating around the bush too much. It doesn't help that you're telling us about a conflict instead of showing it to us as it unfolds.
Scene 1 > Pretentious and devoid of actual meaning.
Scene 2 - Part 1 > The first section is an appeal to the reader's sympathies by way of a mental conflict devoid of all the particulars . . . that constantly references the missing particulars.
Scene 2 - Part 2 > The second part is much more readable than anything before it, but I'm noticing that your tone is all over the place. The scene seems to be geared for tragedy, but your language shifts constantly between half-baked satire and dry philosophy. It reads like the author (or narrator) has no emotional investment in the scene whatsoever. That might have been your intent, but it drains every bit of impact that the scene might otherwise have possessed.
Scene 3 - Part 1 > Your tone is far too informal here. If this is still the narrator from the first scene, then it no longer sounds like him. The narrations reads like you're commenting on a forum rather than writing a story. Your Rainbow Dash also sounds slightly off-key. Not OOC, just not convincingly her either.
Scene 3 - Part 2 > The narration is worsening. Is the narrator a part of the scene, viewing it with the reader, or telling it to the reader? I can no longer tell, and that is not good. You're also trying too hard to achieve variety in your descriptions. Bravo for keeping it in mind, but this is getting incoherent in a hurry. That bit with Pinkie Pie is painfully unfunny. Toward the end of this section, I'm beginning to wonder if you're randomly selecting words from a thesaurus.
lh5.ggpht.com/-FvpuMmh0N_g/TyJdQnZUOtI/AAAAAAAAAE8/zh06DW8pFzc/images.jpeg
Scene 3 - Part 3 > Carromed? Really? You might as well beat me about the head with that thesaurus. The grammar problems are also starting to become oppressive; I'm spotting them in almost every sentence. Part of this is due to tons of inappropriate word usage. If you've ever read "How Not to Write a Novel", this is "The Crepuscular Handbag". You're wielding the English language like a small child would mishandle his father's gun . . . with similar results, I might add. If it's not your vocabulary, you should think twice about using it.
Scene 3 - Part 4 > And then everypony fell out of character with a resounding thud. By my count, you've used the "Twilight got brained—hilarity ensues" gag three times in this scene. It wasn't funny to begin with.
Scene 3 - Part 5 > I could write a paragraph of critique for every sentence in the first paragraph. Is this getting worse with every scene or is it my imagination? Spike seems to have found the plot. That letter . . . should I even bother at this point?
Scene 3 - Part 6 > So, everypony besides Twilight, Rainbow, & Spike just . . . left? Okay. You've got a real problem with hyperbole. Nearly every reaction and/or description here is severely overstated. Rainbow is also way over the top here, but that's only the tip of the OOC iceberg to this fic's Titanic anyway. Did Twilight Sparkle just outwrestle Rainbow Dash?
Okay, I'm done. You've broken me. I just can't go on. I usually make a point to finish at least the first chapter of anything I start reading, but this is just atrocious on too many levels for me to bear. Clearly you've got an audience though, so keep on keepin' on as long as it pleases you. I need a stiff drink and some ibuprofen.
-1
702475 I suppose thank you for the completely honest review. I completely agree with what you're saying, and I know that I sort of threw a dictionary into the story hoping that words would somehow stick onto the page and become an appropriate sentence... apologies.
I have seen this and I am trying to improve with each and every chapter. I've never written before (bet you couldn't tell) and I probably actually needed this to help me become a stronger writer. I won't be as careless, and I won't jump into things that make readers go "the hell just happened?" Anyway-
hope the fic doesn't haunt your memory too much... go read a better one immediately to escape.
... What have I done?
O god, curse you clifhanger, curse YOUUUUU
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
ok...
lets just see whre this goes :)
Another great chapter! I love Dash's awesome adventuring skills. And neat trick you did with the formatting there at the end. A great way to buld suspense that would only work for you.
Keep up the good work!
726327 YAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGHHHH!! THE AGONY!
726430 Now that that moment of terror is over, I agree. Let's see...
729054 I'm definitely trying to bring Dash back to being... well, Rainbow Dash. And yes, the ending haha, I wrote it about 3/4's way through the chapter cuz' I didn't want to forget it.
If anyone finds anything wrong with this chapter, tell me. I didn't look through it as much as I should have...
aheahhahahhahaha
omg dat ending.., XD
excellent work as always
759402 The ending just makes you want to throw something, right?
I've recently bought a bunch of pokeballs, and I run around and throw them at people whilst screaming "GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL!"
I would strongly suggest doing such to relieve the stress. But anyway, thanks so much! Glad you're enjoying the story!
Here I am, thinking I'm piecing things together, and then you're all "CLIFFHANGER!"
Well played.
If I'm not careful I'm about to hurl my readers off of that cliff...
I'm positive that Fluttershy and Dashie will save you all however.
And truly, it is impossible to piece things together... haha!760026
Somepony has forgotten one of the major rules of Equesteria. Don't F----- with the Apple family. I see something rather like the movie (Next Of Kin) on the way. Apples arriving from all over Equesteria with one thing in mind. “Lets stomp some rattlers.”