There are legends of an ancient time, a time of heroes and magic, when the goddesses walked among us and ruled a kingdom. When ponies, but also pegasi and unicorns, lived together. But these are just legends.
When Jack discover an ancient book in a ruin long forgotten, she is thrust in a journey that will forever change her view of the world, and will bring back what was lost thousands of years ago, but also stir an ancient evil.
Edit : BEHOLD the new and improve version, thanks to the help of Null and Kasune who gave me a lot of advices to improve this story. The change won't modify the story, only smooth it, so you don't necessarily have to read them again.
Author note : This, is my first fanfiction EVER, and in English, which is not my native tongue, no less !
I know a lot of people claim that when they are writing, but I would really appreciate if grammar nazi could tone it done a notch. I would love to have constructed commentary, and if I don't mind you to correct me when I am making mistakes, please just keep that in mind ^^.
I plan this story to be a long runner as I have a lot of ideas that I want to put into it, but my writing schedule being a mess, I won't be able to publish chapters on a regular basis, sorry :(
Image by kittiara : http://kittiara.deviantart.com/
Ermm.... Aside from a few language errors.... There are some interesting ideas going here, it seems promising, but jumping around to different time periods and characters makes it hard to follow. That's a rough way to launch a story.
This story looks promising. I haven't noticed anything painfully worded, other than the occasional weird sentence here and there. Overall this story has the potential to be epic. You may want to consider finding a pre-reader to help catch grammatical errors.
I'm going to abstain from giving this a like.
Simple stuff first - your wording and grammar are pretty good, all in all. A few minor tid bits stand out, but I have no issue with them.
You have an extremely well made header image, yay for whoever made it.
The timeskips were, I suppose, well enough managed, but it might have been more prudent to stick to your Oc's time frame and bait us along with tid bits and hints of the past. The way you've done it might have cut off a lot of your potential for world building later on.
It'd've been nice to see a bit of that book, and it doesn't make sense that if its the one astounding find of the dig that your one pony there would just give it up without even examining it first, it seemed out of character for what I vaguely got of his type-cast.
I can't decide if I tentatively like this story, or openly dislike it. Until I figure that one out, I'll keep reading. Here's hoping your next chapter finds itself on steadier hooves.
>>Farley308
Well, I could use a pre-reader, but I don't know anyone save a few friends who are not from an English-speaking country either, so if someone is interested in helping me just leave me a message.
>>Zobeid
The "time jumps" are intended and will continue, but I'll try to make them a little more fluid if this keep being a problem
>>ambion
Well, I'll try to improve the story that's for sure, but as my first attempt at writing, I can't promise anything perfect ^^
Um...You've got some good stuff in here and I'd like to see wherever it is this fic is headed but there are a lot of problems with spelling, grammar and your writing style in general. I'd like to help you smooth over these issues.
If you'd like I could go through line for line and point out the problems. But I'll only be willing do it if I know you actually want me to otherwise I wont bother. Also it's pretty late at night in my part of the world so if you do want me to do that then I'll do it in the morning.
Also You might want to work a bit harder on you dialogue, some of it is really off.
>>y1fellas
I would really like that. Since I have some trouble with the language difference and I lack experience in writing in general, every bit of help is welcome.
I am already working on the next chapter, so I will try to use every bit of advise you give me to improve it.
610574
OK glad to hear it. I'll type it up in the morning because their is a bit to cover and I'm tired enough right now that I should already be asleep. Would you like me to send it to you as a PM or just post it in the comments?
>>y1fellas
I don't have any particular preference, do what suit you best
610588
Comments it is.
Other than some grammatical and spelling errors its good
will there be references to the other races, diamond dogs, changeling, etc?
>>sagohzo
Yes, there will, but since I started planning this story before "A Canterlot wedding" was out, I still have to find a way to incorporate the changelings into it.
Alright here's that review I promised. it's worth noting now that I may not be doing all these things in my own fanfic but that's only because I made mistake and failed to edit it out or that I was six chapters into that fic before someone took the time to explain to me what I was doing wrong.
So here we go from the top:
"Twilight Sparkle woke up to found herself in pitch-black darkness, a headache pounding painfully at the base of her horn. She tried to get up and saw that her back hooves were restrained by some sort of chains, preventing her to move further than a few steps."
First sentence you say a "headache pounding painfully". I would take the painfully off of that, everybody knows that a headache is painful and the word doesn't add any information or characterization to the sentence.
Second sentence, unless it's in dialogue you shouldn't start a sentence with he or she. Awkward wording with "preventing her to move further than a few step". That should probably be written as something like "Preventing her from moving any more than a few steps.
"Ignoring the ache, she tried to illuminate the tip of her horn, but a violent spasm of pain sent her back to the ground, shacking violently. A couple of minutes later, the pain became once again manageable, allowing her to think straight."
"Shacking" isn't the word you were after, what you wanted was "shaking". In the second sentence it's not incorrect but it is a little awkward. It should be: "the pain became manageable one again".
"The head low, Twilight tried to make the point on the events of the past few months," is definitely not right. I think your intent was "Her head low, Twilight tried make sense of the events of the past few months." Making the point is something you do in conversation. It's basically what your trying to convey in conversation. Also in that paragraph you started a sentence with she. Also "The clatter went louder and louder" should basically be "The clatter got louder and louder."
This that awkward dialogue that I mentioned: “I am truly sorry for what they have done to you” the stallion said pointing a hoof to Twilight head, looking effectively pained, “we are not barbarians, but they couldn’t let the most powerful unicorn alive to be able to free herself...”.
He says "they" at first, then "we" then "they" once more. He three times in the middle of a conversation distance himself from "them" groups himself with them and then distances himself once again. I'm not sure if he's talking about the people that tortured Twilight or the organization/society he's part of.
"she had never allowed to herself" is incorrect. that "to" in the middle of it has no reason to be there, an there should be "to do" after "herself". "was it to cry" should be "be it cry". "was it to cry" is grammatically incorrect.
I'm going to jump to the next characters POV. There are a lot of mistakes in this and I'm not sure I have the time to go through every last one of them.
"Jack closed carefully the book with his hoof." there are two mistakes in that sentence, one Jack is a girl right? it should be "her" hoof not "his". Two, the order of words, it should be "carefully closed" not closed carefully.
"time, and Marc Vacquer". There doesn't need to be a comma there.
“I was searching you for hours ! Don’t ditch the team like that, you never know if there has been a collapse in those damn ruins.” it was when Marc saw the book in Jack hooves.
It should be "I was searching for you for hours!". "you never know if there has been a collapse in these damn ruins.". "these" not "those". They're inside the ruin so he should be speaking about "these" ruins specifically, not "those" ruins off on some other job.
"I don’t know how but it is best preserved than any other" you should have 'better" rather than "best".
There's a lot more mistakes after that but I have to go to work soon so I'll jump straight to the important ones:
“I’ve got a little distracted and loosed you for a second”. That is not correct it should read "I got a little distracted and lost you for a second". That said when writing dialogue you should go way further then simply being grammatically correct. Good dialogue conveys how the character would typically speak, how they feel about the characters around them and how they feel about the situation at hand. Not that you can't just say these things but the dialogue should reinforce these things and if you can convey that through dialogue without directly stating it than that's even better.
"The excited mare looked confused “You are called Jack ?”
“Well my name is actually Jacqueline, but my father always told me that I was the tomboyest filly he ever saw, and kept calling me Jack. The name stayed and now that’s how my friends call me.” answered Jack."
Again slightly awkward dialogue. It's just really bland and doesn't convey anything about how Jack feels about her dad or being called Jack or Jacqueline. Also "that's how my friends call" should be "that's what my friends call me".
Alright the biggest problem with this is at the end of the chapter I don't really know how Jack feels about anyone or anything else in the story other than she got scared by that homeless guy and exited by that book. You don't need to say directly how a character feels but their dialogue and behavior should convey those feelings to a certain extent. At the moment I'm working off the stereotype that Jack looks up to Marc as a mentor and that she dislikes Miss Marble. And I only guessed that second part because of this line: "It wasn’t the time for Jack to upset the owner, she wasn’t sure she could pay the rent this month."
This scene was a problem because you started several sentences with she:
"She was tired, tired to fight all those years, and tired to fight since all those years, she needed to rest for a while.
She dropped down on the grave, close to her mother.
“Just a couple of minutes, no more” did she though.
She never rose from where she dropped."
What was intended to be a big emotional moment was hurt by short simple sentences and having pronouns at the start of almost each sentence.
In the end this story is a cool idea, some of those scenes could have been truly awesome and I really love your cover art but you should really find a pre-reader. Someone who knows a lot about English and story writing would be best. You've got some great ideas here and you're definitely trying but you just need someone to help you convey those ideas for now.
>>y1fellas
Wow, there is a lot of things to improve ^^'
Thanks for the review. Since there is a lot more work to do on that chapter that I thought, I will certainly edit it before posting the second one.
As for a pre-reader, I don't know a lot of people who could help me out with my story, and no one with the skills needed in English or story writing :(.
Again, if someone want to give it a try, I would be happy to have some help with this story.
612771
You're welcome. I might offer myself to be pre-reader but I'm not sure how qualified I am to be a pre-reader and I'm also really busy with my own writing and stuff. Sorry that I can't be more helpful.
Also there are a lot more mistakes in this story than just the ones I mentioned, I just had to go to work so I skipped ahead to the bigger more important ones.
Yea, Needs looked over by someone who's primary language is English. However it's an interesting story so far, I am curious to see how a world of ponies so segregated will react to knowing it's most beloved heroes came from a integrated society and their Gods are both real and a combination of all 3 races.
Someone really wants her to read that book
Huh. Well, this is most intriguing. You've got another follower.
I want ore...I wanna know why the mane 6 were exectued
this looks good. gonna have to read when i have time >_<
screw exams
Much better after the re-write. Now, continue it!
Oh! This updated. Sorry it took me so long to comment. I read the chapter and the mistakes are less prevalent but still there. There's a lot of mistakes
I'll preread for you if you're interested or someone else already hasn't done so.