• Member Since 4th Apr, 2015
  • offline last seen Aug 21st, 2015


Write for fun, not fame. You can be the King Kong banging on your chest. Enjoy my stories! Feedback is always appreciated.


Tirek still lives, and we want him back. He will lead us unto a new order, he will make everything right. Weather you like it, or not.

Years after Tirek was defeated, his followers were still angry. They were mad at Twilight, Equestria, and especially Celestia. So one night, they decide to take action.

Thorn is a highest ranking guard in the Royal Army. He is certain that nothing can take that away from him. But, one thing he sees during what he assumes a normal court case, he'll regret it for the rest of his life.

Now he is taken hostage, and put in a POW camp. Now he needs to get out. But he'll learn nobody on the outside really care about him.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 3 )

Interesting start! The two main things I found are:
Slow down the pacing, and
Get a proofreader or online grammar checker.

Now, I'll do a minor proofread:

It all began after Tirek was defeated by Twilight. Tirek was brought to an Equestrian prison. The prison was along the edge of a town called Old Phillydelphia. A forgotten land that was taken over by Tirek in the war between Twilight and Tirek. It was only taken back by the ponies months after the war.
Followers of Tirek were angry at Twilight, but they were equally pissed at Equestria and its leader, the Sun Goddess, Celestia. They began to hold riots. Ponies began to turn other own kind, committing treason, getting angry and with each riot that got more and more violent. They would hold ponies hostage and demand payments, they would kill the hostages anyways.

It is quite redundant. You used Tirek' s name way too many times.

Put him in jail. Or hang him. One of the three will get the point across."

There are only two things. Plus, being sent to jail seems a bit weak for treason and espionage. In the 40s and 50s in the US, both of those were punishable by death. Being sentenced to Tartarus would be more fitting.

"We are will to hear this punishment."


You are in charge of this squad while I am gone, understand?"

Missing a quotation mark.

Author's Note:
Well, I thought about writing a Terik story, and here's the result.
I think I did alright. I actually think this might be the best writing I've done for the channel. Feedback is always appreciated.

Tirek, not Terik. Just a slight typo.

This story has a good start. I recommend you find a proofreader/editor, and run your story through an online grammar checker, to find anything I may have missed.
Keep up the good work! :twilightsmile:

I agree the pace is very snappy.

I know most writer's wish to jump into the action, drama etc scenes as soon as possible.

But with little to no build up, the story falls flat.

What is the stance of Tirek's followers?

Why would they betray their country?- which in a way is a tie in to the first question.

I feel they are following him for the sake of following him in this story.

So many question's not put into light.

A slower pace and maybe even a prologue , with a slower pace-speaking of this building war and political issues would serve this fic well.

Other then a speed of light pace- I did see some grammar issues as well.- not alot just a bit.

In all I think if you fix the pace- you should be golden.

Like I said, many just want to jump into the main part's of a story, but slow down.

Build your scenes, Flesh out your world and you will reap the rewards.

It's some hard work.- but once everything is set up- all you must do is knock them down.


I'll upvote and fav-to follow this tale- after it ends I'll give you a Rare Review.

Good Luck.

Love, Rare.

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