The moment the door opened, Pinkie had shot out, squealed, her mane sprang into curls, and she pronked away with a gleeful cry.

This sentence needs work. You have comas in the wrong spots and you are missing words. "squealed" is stuck in the middle. I would assume you would want a "and" or a "With a" there or something

Pinkie had shot out, and squealed.
Pinkie had shot out, with a squeal.

her mane sprang into curls, and she pronked away with a gleeful cry.
her mane sprang into curls, "as" she pronked away with a gleeful cry.
Her mane sprang "back" into curls.

The moment the door opened, Pinkie shot out, and squealed. Her mane sprang back into curls, as she pronked away with a gleeful cry.

It was hot, there was very little breeze,

It was hot, and there was very little in the way of a breeze.

Tarnish started forwards, grateful, thankful, and he wanted to say so.
Tarnish gratefully started forward, wanting to tell them how thankful he was.

Tarnish watched them go, the pegasus and the earth pony. He saw them exchange a glance, then laugh with one another.

Tarnish watched the pegasus and earth pony go.

[He saw them exchange a glance, then laugh with one another.]

This is a bit confusing. Why are they exchanging glances and laughing? I think your trying to get a jovial feeling or something like that, I'm not sure. I guess they could be "high" on something I suppose.

Holy mother of comments...

Try... try to keep it in one comment next time? Okay 6777134 ?

I get you're being helpful, and that some people like to comment as they read but...

OK well i have two questions, the first one is for Maud, Did you know that tarnish lost his virginity to a manticore and if so how do you feel about it?
My second question is for Kudz, Do any of the characters remember these Q & A sessions or do they forget when they return to the weed verse?

6779000

OK well i have two questions, the first one is for Maud, Did you know that tarnish lost his virginity to a manticore and if so how do you feel about it?

Maud: I know all about it. I like to tease him about it on occasion, because I'm funny like that.

As for your other question, of course they don't remember.

6779015
Also i have a minor suggestion for the story, why don't you have tarnished start up a business of some sort (like selling/manufacturing poison joke tea) so he can help pay for the expeditions (the crowns only partially paying correct?) (also he can hire someone to produce it for him it could be a gourmet tea and it will allow pones to deal with poison joke without issue), you said that this story is supposed to be guided by the audience and i haven't rly seen much contribution/suggestions hopefully this comment jump starts suggestions if not oh well.

6779086

This is planned.

6779089
Maybe he could hire long haul to distribute it? I'm sure he'd appreciate the work and tarnish would probably pay him handsomely.

6779101
Also it would probably make him feel like he's payed long haul back for his kindness when he was first on the road.

They should meet a sapient anaconda...

6781308 if Tarnish starts speaking parcel tongue, i'm out of here.

Heeheehee, ahhhh Pinkie Pie, you're so silly~ Nicely written once again Kudzu, hehehe.

Good show, good show!