• Published 29th May 2015
  • 5,647 Views, 108 Comments

The Princess and I: Moon - Eggtaro



To help further improve the diplomatic relations between Earth and Equestria, a human was sent to live in Canterlot Castle; to live together in harmony with it's many servants, guards, and two princesses. The human, however, has to serve one of them.

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You, Me, and the Moon (Part Two)

The stare-off between me and Luna lasted for at least another full minute before she said anything at all. It was a good thing too. Any longer than that then our jaws would have extended so far down it might touch the cold marble floor beneath us.

"Wha--- what is the meaning of this?" The stupefaction in her voice couldn't be anymore clearer.

"Uh..." My speechlessness was pretty obvious as well.

This is bad. Like, really bad. How on earth am I going to explain to Luna what just occurred here? I can't just up and tell her that I came up with this crazy idea about scratching and bribing and how I wanted to test it on a 'willing' subject--- badly. So badly to the point that I was even ready to test out my theory (forcefully) on the first poor soul who I came across--- who's also currently shaking beneath me.

Oh, did I mention that the poor soul's a guard? A royal guard, mind you. A female royal guard. To tears! I made a guard cry! Oh, and right--- I must not forget about that knocked out pony beside us too.

I know it might be a little too late to think of the consequences now, but I wonder if such a distasteful act on the royal guards of Canterlot Castle is considered a crime (it most probably is). Is there maybe a law clearly stating that should anyone make a royal guard cry, they will be punished immediately without trial? Am I going to face the wrath of the Equestrian judicial system, if at all?

Perhaps I'd get thrown into their royal prison, where the foods are unpalatable and the toilets always get clogged up with god knows what? Or maybe a punishment even more worse than imprisonment? Like, oh, I don't know, banishing me to the Sun, perhaps? Or having me transform into a stone statue? Or maybe I'd be force to listen to their worse song ever for the rest of my life, until the day I croak?

I still can't believe I made a royal guard cry. From wiggling my fingers, for crying out loud! How can anyone be afraid of freaking fingers?

Then again, how was I supposed to know that ponies would be scared poopless at human fingers? Grim sure as hell didn't show any signs of terror. I mean, sure, if use properly, they can be use to do all sorts of things: pointing at things, flicking at things, gesturing at things, indicating at things, flipping the bird at thin---

A quick note to self: ponies (some) are afraid of human fingers. If this knowledge were to be ever exploited by the wrong people, well, I wonder what would become of Equestria. Maybe this world will be taken over by us humans? Will we launch an invasion, armed with nothing but our appendages?

Can you imagine it though, invading an entire world with no weapons? No machine guns, no tanks, nor any weapons of mass destruction. All we need to do is wiggle our fingers at every pony we could find, and --- just like taking candy from a baby --- Equestria will be ours.

Finger wiggling could very well be the most effective strategy ever used in an all out invasion.

And the most ridiculous.

It will fail, of course, because of the one thing Equestria have that we don't; Dragons. Fucking dragons, dude.

Right, getting off track here.

Anyway...

Luna's eyes went from the knocked-out Sword to the still whimpering Shield, who was trembling on the ground, her helmet laid forgotten on the ground behind me. When Luna's eyes met mine, I froze. Like an ice-cube. I could not tell if that glare meant I was about to get punished or slaughtered.

"Rise." Luna said to Shield, who got up almost immediately, quickly drying her face with the back of her hoof. "Him as well." Luna added, gesturing at Sword with her wing.

Shield gave the Princess a silent but shaky salute and grabbed her helmet and spear as she passed me, making her way towards Sword. I could still see tiny streams of tears flowing down one side of her face, and she wobbled a little as she stepped in front of Sword. She gave him a swift kick to to the sides.

Sword jumped back to life as the kick connected, neighing loudly. His butt greeted us as he faced the opposite direction. He raised his hoof to the side of his head and he shouted stupidly at the empty hallway: "G-good evening, your highness! I w-w-wasn't sleeping at all! J-just resting the eyes a little!" Luna clicked her tongue disapprovingly beside me.

The Princess wasn't amused.

Not.

One.

Bit.

Shield shook her head and delivered another well placed kick--- this time, to Sword's leg. The formerly knocked out guard spun around like a top, spotted me and Luna, and instantly dropped to his knees, bowing down deeply at the Princess.

"A-a thousand a-apologies, y-your highness!" he said (probably trembling from fear, I'd wager). "I apologise for daring to show such a disgraceful display in your presence." Sword's eyes stayed glued to the floor as he spoke. Perhaps he was afraid Luna might zap him with her eyes if he dared to look up. I wouldn't be surprised if she really could though, considering.

"Now, explain yourselves." she demanded, coldly, staring at both Sword and Shield. "What. Happened?"

The duo could only stare back at each other --- loss for words, no doubt. My eye caught Shield shooting pleading glances in my direction. I think she's trying to tell me something. Could she be asking for my help, perhaps? But how can I possibly help? Maybe she wants me to explain the whole thing to Luna? I'm not really an exemplary choice, but, then again, I am the reason why we're stuck in this mess to begin with.

I turned to look at Luna. "Uh... perhaps I could---"

"Silence."

"Yes, ma'am." Well, can't say I didn't try, right? I glanced back at Shield and gave her an apologetic shrug. Sorry guys, but it seems you guys will have to handle this situation on your own.

Wonder why she won't let me speak though.

* * * * * *

Luna's nostrils flared when she spoke.

"You were incapacitated by your comrade-in-arms because you were laughing?" There was no mistaking the anger and bewilderment in her voice. Luna's pissed, dude. At least, I think she is. "With a single hit?"

Sword and Shield both hung their heads in shame. "Y-yes, your highness."

Luna turned to stare at me, but dropped her stare a few seconds later. "How could a single hit take you out?" she demanded. "Your level of training should only be a level lower compared to that of our military force." (Ah-ha! So the ponies do have a military!) "You were trained to combat foes, protect lives, and serving your kingdom, were you not?"

"Y-yes, your highness."

"Then why?" Luna asked, stepping forward. "Why was it possible for you to be taken out with just a single smack to the muzzle?"

Sword struggled with his words. "I...well...because...er..."

"You disappoint me." Luna said harshly, her eyes narrowing. "I thought you were trained better than that. If you can be taken out with just a single blow, how can we, the Rulers of Equestria --- the very same rulers you swore an oath to serve and protect with your very lives --- depend on you?"

Sword immediately fell to his knees. "Please forgive me, your highness!" he begged, going as low as he could. "I made a mistake of allowing myself to be distracted for a second and---"

"Excuses." Damn, Luna. Talk about being harsh. "If it were the enemy, your mistake for letting your guard down could very well be the end of your own life. It may even cause others to lose theirs."

"Yes, your highness!" Sword cried, still bowed. "I swear, such an incident will never happen again!"

"See that it doesn't." Luna said, turning her head to look at Shield. "And you --- why were you trembling on the ground like an entrapped mouse, surrounded by a vicious predator?"

Shield took a few steps back, as if Luna's very presence alone was strong enough to push her back. Shield looked very timid without her helmet on, I must say.

Now that I got a better look at her, she's actually rather cute, too. I never did notice the pink bow that was resting on the back of her head, securing her ponytail. She has a soft expression on her face --- not something I would expect to find from a bunch of hardened royal guards, really. Most of the guards I've already met have faces stiffer than any statue.

Shield remained silent, her eyes not meeting anyone's, not answering Luna's question. Her face was no longer damp from the tears, but there was still fear in her eyes --- this time, however, not because of my fingers. But...

She sure is taking her sweet time to come up with an explanation for the Princess. Is Luna really that terrifying as the stories I've heard about her? Is she so scary, as the rumours say, that even standing before her can make you lose your tongue--- turn you mute? Whatever the reason may be, I just hope Shield isn't planning on dragging the whole thing out by saying nothing.

Now that I think about it --- can Shield even talk? I've heard her laugh, sure, but that hardly counts, right? I've also heard her sniffle, but that doesn't really prove anything. I need to hear her speak actual words--- words that are comprehensible, words like: sausages, bananas, or Worcestershire sauce.

"Well?" Luna pressured. I'm pretty sure she won't stop asking until she get's an answer. "The guards that surrounds both in and outside Canterlot Castle are well known to be stoic, brave, and intimidating." she raised an eyebrow at Shield. "None of which I saw when I stepped outside, mere moments ago."

But Shield's lips stayed tight and sealed. Did she swallow glue or something? Sword gave his partner a worried glance. No doubt he must be wondering why on earth Shield was staying silent. Let's not forget while being questioned by the Princess of the Night, no less.

Luna stared at Shield, with one of her eyebrows raised, then turned her head towards me. Our eyes met for a moment, but it was not the kind of moment that made you felt welcomed or comfortable, oh no. It was one of those moments where you just know that you fucked things up pretty badly.

If you are still wondering how I've managed to fudge things up, stick around and you just might be able to find out soon enough.

"What did you do?" Luna asked me, her voice stern. "Is the reason for her silence caused by you?" she pointed at Shield, who backed away even more, as if she was just poked by something long and hot. "Just what sort of unbridled nonsense did you do to make a well-trained guard to tremble like a leaf?"

Oh, so now I can talk?

All right, first of all --- true, it might had been a tad bit unbridled. But I wouldn't really call it nonsense, per say, more like scientific research. But there is no way I'm going to tell her that straight to her face.

Secondly, I'm also pretty sure part of Shield's trembling and silence is cause by the ever great presence of our beloved ruler of the night --- who's most probably oblivious to the whole thing, but, pointing that out too, may get me gutted and roasted like a pig. With an apple jammed into my mouth. And seasoning.

Still, the whole thing is my fault to begin with (except Sword, he had it coming). I must take the blame for this --- Shield is the victim here, not the culprit. I must tell Luna the truth and only the truth. Honesty is the best policy, I always say...even if it might get you murdered.

Wait, what am I talking about, shouldn't it already be clear to everyone--- especially Luna --- that this was my fault to begin with? So why was she demanding an explanation from Sword and Shield first, and not me? I should had been the first one to be questioned. I should be the one getting scolded.

Not them. Not the guards. And most definitely not Shield. She just got spooked because she wasn't accustomed to having a human in the castle. Probably. She's just not used to seeing humans yet--- what with our different anatomy, beliefs, and customs and all that. Fear of the unknown, dude, ever heard of it? You can't blame someone for being afraid of something they don't understand.

I feel so pathetic and dumb right now. I should have said something from the very moment Luna came out the throne room. I should have defended Shield. She did nothing wrong. She doesn't deserve this. If anything, she's suffering the most. I got carried away and went and did something horrible.

Now's my chance to do what's right. To right what had been wronged.

I must be brave, and accept the consequences that comes with my actions. Like that saying my dear old Dad loves to say: if you are ready to shoot a gun you must also be ready to accept the recoil. If you are ready to bang a woman, you must also be ready to---

Sorry, that's another saying my Dad shared with me. Let's just forget about that one.

Now's my chance.

Be a man.

Do the right thing.

I don't really want to, but a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. Why? Because you're a MAN. I'm a man. And a man who knows he's a man is a manly man.

Chapter Twenty-four, page one-hundred and sixteen, paragraph four, excerpted from the awesome book: A Manly Man's Guide to Maximum Manly Manliness.

Here I go.

"I --- er --- well --- um --- what --- what I'm trying to say is --- er ---"

Way to go Ron. Why don't give yourself a high-five to the face as hard as you can while you're at it.

Luna gave me a look like I was some sort of disgusting bug. "What is it then?"

Damn it. All I wanted was an opportunity to properly talk to her. To try and see what's what with the Princess of the Night. Things were starting to go so well, too. She even gave me a smile the night before, dag nab it! We could have been best buds or something.

But noooooo. Ron had to go and fudge it all up by coming up with some stupid experiment. Ron had to go and choose today, of all days, to try and test it out. See what you had done, Ron. Look at the scene before you. Are you happy with how things worked out? Are you satisfied with whatever it is you wanted to accomplish?

There goes my reputation, straight down the drain. My hard earned points with the Princess will be washed away like when you flush away your hard work in the little boy's room --- out of sight, out of mind. Luna will no doubt think of me differently now (not really sure if she ever did, really).

What was I thinking, dude? Why did I even came up with such a stupid idea?

Luna and the two guards were staring at me as I came to my senses and looked around. My sudden, inner monologue with myself must had lasted longer than I thought, judging by their facial expressions: Shield was giving me a worried look. Sword's was a confused stare. As for Luna, well, what else would it be if not a speak-mortal-or-else glare?

Well, what's done is done. Can't turn back, and definitely no running away now (not that I plan to, are you crazy?). No point moping about it, either. Let's just get this over with. Dragging this out any longer than necessary will not benefit me in the slightest.

Hopefully, my sentence building is back to optimal performance. Can't afford to have another glitch in the system.

"All right."

So far so good.

I took a deep breath before continuing. "Here's what went down."

* * * * * *

"And I expect to find the floors to be shining when I come to inspect it."

Sword and Shield saluted at their Princess. "Yes, your highness." Sword said, putting his hoof down. "We will make sure that the hallways are all spotless and sparkling like the night's stars."

Luna nodded her head. "I expect nothing less. Do not disappoint me."

The two guards saluted once more and left, leaving me and Luna standing in front of the throne room's doors alone together. Shield turned to give one last glance at me before hurrying to catch up with Sword.

"That was... awfully nice of you." I blurted out before realising what I just said.

"Is it?" Luna asked, turning to look at me. "Then you must be a fool to believe that cleaning the castle's hallways to be a simple task." she glanced down the hallway with a small frown. "The hallways in this castle are vast in numbers. Asking only two to clean them will take up much of their time, and energy." She turned her head back towards me. "How could this be considered...nice?"

"What? No, I don't mean it like that."

Luna raised an eyebrow. "I do not follow you."

"I thought you were going to punish them more...severely." Like have them swallow balls or something.

"And what purpose will that serve?" she questioned as she walked down the opposite side of the hallway, beckoning me to follow her. "They did nothing wrong; it was you, Ron, that caused this."

"Then why---"

"They may not had played a role in this entire incident, Ron, but they still failed to perform the one important thing they're supposed to do."

"Guarding?"

"Yes. Although neither my sister or I forbid the guards to talk or mingle with each other or visitors, that does not mean they can allow it to get out of hoof." Luna said with a serious tone. "If such an act of folly is able to cause such chaos, then how --- I ask you, how can the kingdom --- how can I, rely on them when we need them the most? "

"So you're asking them to polish the whole place because...?"

"To serve as a reminder."

To never fuck around. Right, got it.

Confused that I'm still alive? So am I. What happened was, a few minutes ago, I was explaining to Luna about the whole thing that went down: the idea I had (I never mention where the inspiration came from, though), the hypothesis I created, the experiment I wanted to try, and finally, the fruits of my labour (rotten fruits, more likely).

After I was finished with my explaining, I honestly expected to find myself murdered right there on the spot. I expected Luna to rise in a cloud of roaring thunders and electrifying lightning. I expected her to smite me with her powerful hooves of doom. I expected her to yell at me, to scold me with the ferocity of a dragon.

But she didn't. She merely nodded her head, told Sword and Shield that they're being punished for inappropriate behaviour by sentencing them to clean all the hallways within the castle, and that was it. Nothing else really. No gushing blood, no violent deaths, no sadistic laughter. Nothing.

She took it better than how I imagined it to be.

So, here we are, walking down the hallway, chatting as if nothing happened. I won't say I'm not glad how things turned out. Something's still bothering me though.

"Am I going to be punished?" I asked.

Luna said nothing as we continued down the hallway. The morning sun's rays greeted my face as I past one of the many windows; I dunno how much time had passed since the incident in front of the throne room, but, if I were to guess, it would be time for morning tea in a few minutes. That's what my belly was telling me, anyway.

The Princess came to a sudden halt. We were standing in front of another pair of giant wooden doors. Where does it lead to, however, I cannot say for sure.

"I cannot pass judgement on you, Ron." Luna finally said with her head slightly tilted to one side. "You just arrived, and you still have yet to accustom yourself to how we ponies live here in Equestria. True, what you did was silly, but it does not count as something that deserves punishment."

"But I made a guard cry."

"And? You did not know yourself what would happen did you not?"

I shook my head.

"A royal guard may have shed tears because of what you did, but that only proves that they have feelings, such as you and I." Luna continued. "Your curiosity of how we ponies react to your kind certainly took you to try rather... interesting methods."

I could only smile back sheepishly.

"I will not ask where you got the imagination for committing such an act. Although I must remind you to never attempt such a thing ever again." She looked at me pointedly. "I would rather not have guards fainting and screaming in terror because of your... fingers." she gave a quick glance at my hands as she finished her sentence. Her eyes curious.

I nodded my head. I'm lucky enough to be even standing here talking to Luna. Once is more than enough, dude. I'm not going to do anything of the sort ever again. "Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye, ma'am."

Luna stared at me wide-eyed. "There is no need to go to such extreme measures, Ron."

"What?"

"What you just said--- why would you stick a needle in your eye?" Luna asked. "Would that not be painful?"

"What--- no! I'm not going to really stick a needle in my eye, Luna!"

"But you said---"

"It's just something we human's say to show that we are being truthful and sincere." I explained, chuckling like a little boy. "It's a very old saying --- what I meant when I said that is just to tell you that I will keep my promise to never do that experiment ever again."

She blinked at me. "Then why not just simply say 'I promise'?"

Cause I wanted to be articulate, duh. "Never mind. I promise, Luna. I swear to never even think about the whole thing ever again."

Luna gave me a satisfied nod. "Splendid." she said with a smile. "That reminds me; your human saying--- it almost sounds exactly like a pinkie promise."

"A pinky promise?"

"Pinkie" Luna said.

"Never heard of it."

"Not yet, perhaps. This promise, however, is very, very special."

"What's so special about it?"

"I can not really explain it. But I do know that you must never break a pinkie promise." She stared at me with serious eyeballs. "Never."

Right. "How does it go?"

Luna placed a hoof against her lips, seemingly trying to recall what the contents were for the so-called 'Pinkie Promise'. "Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye."

What do you know, she wasn't kidding. "Huh, it does sounds a little like our saying."

"And it sounds less painful as well."

I highly doubt that, sister. A cupcake in the eye? Goddamn, can you imagine pressing a huge wad of cream and icing straight at your eyeball? "It sounds weirder than my version, though."

"Everypony is entitled to their own opinion, Ron." Luna turned around and placed a hoof on the giant door in front of us. "Now, this is where I must leave you; I will be returning to my chambers for a well deserved slumber." She did looked a little drowsy. Must be tough when you're the Princess of the Night.

"Sure." I said. "Rest well, your highness."

"Mmhmm." she mumbled with an adorable yawn. "And it's Luna. Luna will do just fine."

Luna pushed the doors open. Now I can tell you where these doors lead to: a garden. Not as huge as the other one I saw, but still, rather big, dude. There were two guards standing guard just beyond the doors. They stood fast and saluted when they saw Luna.

I waved good-bye at the Princess as she stepped out to spread her magnificent blue wings. She paused however, turning around to look at me. I raised an eyebrow.

"Before I leave you--- did you receive my message?"

I stood at attention. "Yes, ma'am. I got it from Grim."

"And you have memorise the contents of said message?"

I nodded my head. "Every word."

"Good. Do not be late, Ron."

And with one powerful flap from her wings, she rose up, up into the air and flew off into the morning sky.

Well, that went better than expected. Very odd, though. There was no hint of hostility while I was talking with her. Was Celestia really telling the truth when she said her sister hated humans? I certainly did not receive any vibes of hatefulness while walking down the hallway with her. I'm feeling so confused right now. And hungry.

Guess I'll find out more later tonight.

Author's Note:

:pinkiegasp: Been a long time since I typed anything, really (I blame Overwatch). Thank you for all for supporting this story, and thank you for being patient for the next chapter! Hope you folks will enjoy this one! :pinkiegasp: