• Published 23rd May 2012
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Epic Rap Battles of MLP - enigmaMystere



a silly little thing the ponies in my head persuaded me to do.

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Rap Battle #23

Apple Bloom stood on the train station platform, almost dancing in excitement. “Ah can’t wait! He'll be here any minute, now!”

Fluttershy sat next to her, slightly worried. “Are you sure he didn’t arrive earlier?”

“Absolutely!” The filly pointed down the tracks, smiling. “See, there it is, now!”

Sure enough, the train from Appleoosa pulled into the station. The door slid open, revealing a yellow stallion, pulling his Stetson down to hide his eyes from the setting sun. He stepped onto the platform, stumbling slightly as a blue-maned pony brushed past. He spotted his cousin, grinning brightly. “Well, howdy, Apple Bloom!”

The young pony rushed forward, happily hugging her cousin. “Braeburn! How was the ride? Did you and Little Strongheart enjoy yer trip?”

The vested pony nodded, never losing his grin. “Yep! We had a great time on our honeymoon! An’ when we returned, her father gave me somethin’ special!” He set down his saddlebag, sifting through it briefly. He pulled away, confused. “Ah could’ve sworn Ah had it in here...” He jolted, glancing around the station, a wild look on his face. “Where’d he go?”

The timid mare tilted her head at him, confused. “...who? That pegasus?”

“Yeah, him!” He held a hoof up to his head, trying to concentrate. “Let’s see...he had sky-blue fur...dark blue hair...green eyes, I think...”

Fluttershy blinked, surprised at this. “...that sounds like Rarity’s boyfriend...wait!” She called after him, nervous. “Just because he looks like him doesn’t mean it was him!” She flew in pursuit, worried something bad could happen.


The two best friends sat underneath the gazebo, eating the sandwiches that the dark red pegasus had brought with him. Between them sat a pitcher of lemonade, untouched.

Vinyl glanced over at the stallion next to her, her cheeks starting to turn rosy. She turned her gaze to the petals falling around them, feeling herself relax from the sight. ...who knew falling apple blossoms could create such beauty?

“...Vi.”

Her head snapped towards him, catching the nervousness on his face. ...oh, please let this be what I think it is... “Y-yes, E?” She pushed her shades up a bit, hoping to hide the pleading look in her eyes.

He sighed, visibly bracing himself for what he was about to say. “...a-are you...still dating Neon?”

Vinyl’s heart plummeted. ...oh, buck... “...why do you ask?”

Enigma groaned, resting his head on his hooves. “...I guess that’s a yes.”

“No!” She grimaced, seeing the stallion jump in surprise from her outburst. “I-I mean, no, I’m not dating him...a-anymore...”

To her surprise, a small frown crossed his face. “...did he...” He gulped, feeling as though he was choking on his words. “...did he treat you well, Vi?”

She felt a tightness in her chest, knowing that she’d made a mistake. ...I never dated him... “...yes, he did...” She flinched at her own words, shocked that she said them.

He sighed, looking out over the park. “...I’m glad...if you ever need someone to lean on...” He wrapped a wing around her, a small, sad smile on his face. “...I’ll be here...”

Vinyl nodded, resting her head on his shoulder. “Thank you, E.” She appeared calm, joining him in silence and cuddling close in his embrace. Inside, however, she was furiously pounding her hooves against her head. Idiot! Because of your stupid lie, you’ll look like...like you’re trying to rebound onto him! You’re so stupid!! She sighed, resigning herself to watch the sunset. ...now you have to wait even longer to get him...

Enigma, on the other hoof, felt like someone had stabbed a knife in his belly. ...I can’t ask her my actual question...it’d be taking advantage of her emotional state...

They sat in silence, watching as the sun disappeared behind the horizon, marking the end of another day and another opportunity lost.


Fluttershy found herself behind the turntables, confused. In front of her, the two stallions were glaring at each other. “...oh my...why did Braeburn have to insult Soarin’?” She sighed, looking over at Enigma next to her. “...you’re absolutely sure Vinyl can’t do this?”

The dark red pegasus sighed, shaking his head. “...she said she needed to be alone, right now...”

The timid mare sighed, looking out over the crowd gathered. “...you can do this...you are Glaze...” Taking a deep, steadying breath, she turned on her microphone, starting up the music.

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF MLP

VS.

BEGIN!

Oh snap, look what Applejack dragged back from the boondocks
Her cousin Braeburn, everypony thinks he likes to spoon cocks
You act all giddy and happy, bouncing around the room
Think you’re slick? EVERYpony knows that you’re on shrooms
Rap against you? That doesn’t freaking scare me at all
Wouldn’t even understand you with that Southern Drawl
I promise to rap with respect, class, and free of any ire
Cuz I’m a celebrity, I can fly, AND I fucked Spitfire.

Ah have ta say, yer a tough act to beat, gent.
‘Course, yer too dense ta catch sarcasm with mah accent.
Ya claim ta’ve made love ta Spitfire, ya foal?
We both know she’s far out a’ yer league, troll.
Ah’m happy ‘cause I’m blessed to have a wife.
You’d be lucky ta have a life free from strife!
You’ve never had mares, just mah fam’ly’s pies.
Ah betcha stay up all night just ta cry!

Woah woah woah, dude. Talking about mares? Let’s take a step back
I’m with the fairest pony in Equestria, the best you could do is Applejack
I’m in perfect physical shape, known around the world, I attract regality
Sweet Celestia, your mare doesn’t even HAVE a personality!
I could have every Pegasus from here to Canterlot under my wing
Go back to Appaloosa you losa, buck a fuckin tree or something.
Your pastries are a waste of time, they make my stomach churn.
Just like your shitty pies, you just got Brae-BURNED!

Oh, how original, usin’ mah name ‘gainst me.
You say pies’re awful, but gulp them down greed’ly.
There’s no way ya come close ta bein’ fit, Soarin’.
Ah’m in better shape than you, Mister Borin’!
So ya think ya got the moves like Jagger?
Get real, dolt! Yer clearly lackin’ any swagger.
Just ‘cause yer in the army don’t mean ya hafta curse.
If yer mare hears, she’ll be blueballin’ ya worse.


WHO WON? WHO’S NEXT? YOU DECIDE!

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF MLP!


In an undisclosed location, a sky-blue pegasus was placing a dreamcatcher into a chest. He grumbled, looking over at the pitch-black unicorn behind him. “I still have no idea what the point of taking these objects is.”

“You’ll find out soon enough.” The charcoal stallion grinned, his fangs gleaming in the little light there was. “You did well...Chrysalis.”

The blue pony rolled his eyes, green flickering momentarily in them. “I’m not on a first-name basis with you, foal.” He flew out, heading out to his next objective.

Author's Note:

...these characters were unbelievably hard to write for. :fluttershysad: Thanks to Noah (from the FIMFic user ‘Antisocial Ind.’, which is apparently a joint account) for helping me with the rap battles. :twilightsmile: Without his help, I doubt this rap battle would’ve been finished. :twilightblush:

Anyways, I decided that I should start the New Year with a new Epic Rap Battle of MLP! :pinkiehappy: How many of you agree? :duck:

...of course, these chapters are gonna take a little while longer between them... :ajsleepy: ...I don't wanna lose interest in this story, like so many of my other ones... :fluttercry:

...no more tears, now. :pinkiesad2: Now is the time for celebration! As I publish this, it's now 2013! :pinkiehappy: ...well, somewhere in the world, anyways. :derpytongue2: Oh, and on a separate note, I tried to make a comment-video-thingy for 'Spike at Your Service'. Sadly, I couldn't figure out how to do so. :applejackunsure: How does one do the audio-overlay thingy?

...I use 'thingy' too often. :rainbowlaugh: Now, off to play games while I take a short break from writing! :rainbowdetermined2: ...after watching 'Despicable Me' with my little sister. :scootangel:

Have a nice day, and a Happy New Year!

Enigma out.~

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