- Member Since 16th Nov, 2014
- offline last seen Mar 30th, 2023
Regis-Th3-Lesser
<---- Falco Judging your cringe
Regis-Th3-Lesser
Joined 16th Nov, 2014 ·
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Regis-Th3-Lesser · 16k words · 123 14 · 5.3k views
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... I didn't like it. I already dislike clop, but I was willing to give it a chance because you wrote it. I have never felt more uncomfortable and squicked out in my entire life. Normally, porn doesn't bother me. But pony porn, especially borderline incest ones like this just make me want to take a shower and become clean.
You mispelled "but" in your long description.
Not bad. Part of me does wonder if he'll ever become a pony in the series, if only temporarily. It must be a lonely being the only Dragon in ponyville.
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I'm not minding the clop much, but I think incestuous is a bit strong. In Return to Harmony, when Spike gets sick from coughing up too many scrolls, he kinda tries to kiss her in a weird nauseated daze. He's also pretty aware of his origins.
6003389 That's why I said borderline: They're not biologically related, but it's been shown multiple times that Spike sees Twilight as his mom, despite the scientific problems with that.
6003324
Sorry that you didn't like it. I do appreciate that you gave it a look though. You know I don't normally do sex, just general romance. This was a step in a new direction I thought that I should take
6003363
Thank you for pointing that out. It is now Fixed
6003556 You're welcome.
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Just glad I didn't lose a valued follower
6003569 What?! One story that I wasn't fond of isn't enough to lose me!
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Thank you man
I like the title. Simple, to the point.
6003850
That's what I was aiming for
CONTINUE THE STORY, go on and continue it with the others think
IRON WILL APPROVED!
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i3.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/004/590/OBJECTION!.jpg
Jordan fades back. Whoosh! And that's the game! Nothing further, your honor.
img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20140124135213/vampirediaries/images/9/9b/Liar_liar_gif.gif
6004624
I never knew he said that
6004624 AH CRAP. OBJECTION!
Jokes aside, I was actually referring scenes like them visiting the remains of the tree in S5E3.
6004630 NO! MY ARGUMENT! IT'S DYING!
6004624 That's right. He does say 'You're not mommy.' before trying to go back to sleep.
6004624 Ohhh, ouch! Well played!
6004652 Don't worry, no one has disproved that they consider each other brother and sister.
I still count this as incest
6006008 Well you are wrong.
6004624
Color me impressed. I actually didn't know he said that. So... he does see Twilight as more of a sister...
Headcanon adjusted...
I didn't really care for this either, but it's not for the same reasons as others have stated. It wasn't AWFUL, but in my (unimportant) opinion, it wasn't written well. Twilight seemed out of character, both in her carelessness with the spell (which I can kinda forgive, since that's the premise for 23% of Twilight sex fics) and her seeming to take advantage of Spike (which I can't forgive). Also, the pacing feels way off to me. For a clop fic, very little time is spent around it and instead is spent on exposition. That's not necessarily a bad thing sometimes, but it doesn't really work in this case.
I'm no professional critic, and I don't feel like I'm explaining myself well, so I'll stop here. But that's why I didn't like it. Still, good effort.
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It's alright. Not everyone is going to like it. I'm glad that you at least read before giving your judgment.
I hope there will be a sequel.
Welcome to my Read Later list! My list is a little special, where unlike other read later lists, I actually intend on reading this later!
Anyway, just wanted to throw my own two cents into the incest / not incest debate that seems to be going on in the comments.
In my honest and totally valid opinion, this isn't incest. Whether Spike sees Twilight as a sister or not doesn't quite matter, as they are not related by blood. They aren't even of the same species, so this literally can't be incest. By definition, incest is the crime of having sexual intercourse with a parent, child, sibling, or grandchild. Spike doesn't belong to any of those categories. And even if he does view Twilight as a big sister, it still wouldn't be incest. Physically, you're still unrelated.
To my knowledge, it isn't even considered incest to buck your step sister, or adoptive sibling, since there's no blood relation.
yay, but off character.
You need an editor, badly. Two preferably, one for style editing, and one for grammar. There's lots of sloppy formatting errors that make it look like you wrote this in one go, and never looked back.
That said, I see potential in you as a writer. Slow down, hone your work in the second draft. Get a style editor to look it over, then hone it more in the third draft. Then you get a copy editor to proof the grammar before sending it off to publish.
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Would you like to take the job, if you can by all means.
I Would definitely want to read more chapters on this. I liked it.
please continue. I need more!!!
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I will follow through with what I stated in my authors note. New chapters will be coming
6008016 WOOP!!!!!
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YAY!!! ALL HAIL THE MAN ON THE MOON!!!
By the way, if you need an editor, I would gladly accept.
I want to give you some constructive criticism. Please do not take offence to anything I say, I probably couldn't do it better myself.
This wasn't too bad, but there were quite a lot of typos in it, which sort of took me out of the moment.
You did a good job, but I recommend going over it again in edit.
Also, another commented stated, there was quite a lot of exposition before the clop. Now, I prefer a fair bit of build up to things like this, but unfortunately, you hit a bad spot. I feel like when it comes to clop, you either go STRAIGHT to it, with very little build up, or you invest the time to develop some character development. The problem with this is that you start off straight away with a Twilight that is horrifically in love with spike, way out of canon.
It would make for a great story to, say, have it so that Twi turns spike into a stallion, and then over the course of a day or two, realizes that she is completely in love with him.
That's just me, and you probably were trying to not do something like that anyway.
I hope that my comment can help you become a better writer,
-Sp33dy
6007518 This brings up a good point. Why is incest wrong?
There are 2 reasons. Moral, and logistical.
You can easily decide which one it is for you by asking this:
Do you think incest would be ok if it did not cause any birth defects?
In my personal opinion I believe that it would be ok, as that issue would be similar to the gay rights issue. But, incest does cause birth defects, and that is why it's best avoided.
6008966
Real Problem was stated by one of my friends. Trying to put that much character revelation into less than five thousand words
6009408 Yeah, I totally agree. We just set up the scene, and it's like twilight falls in love with spike in less than 30 seconds.
6009845
Like I told the others, I'll expand on this with more chapters. I guess we can count this as more of a 'heat of the moment' kind of thing.
6009849 Oh boy, yeah. I see what you're trying to do, and I feel like a reboot is in order for this one.
I don't know, just my opinion, but a first time should be special.
Oh jeez, I really am being too critical. Do whatever you want, bro. Enjoy writing.
6006119 That's my opinion. You can have yours. I just think of Twilight as his big sister. Obviously not his mother. There's a lot of reasons why though. Not just because of that one scene. Firstly, the age. I like to think Twilight was around 7-10 when she hatched Spike. I'm guessing her mum raised Spike and she jus helped. And I never said I didn't like the fic. I just count this as incest.
6013227 Yeah I know but it doesn't count as incest when the two characters are of different species. And you're right everyone is entitled to their own opinion.
This seems like it's going to be a lot of fun. My only complain is that it felt like there was a lot of exposision in the 1st chapter so we could get right down to buisness. Other than that, it's a really excellent story which I hope you'll continue.
Melodramatic. Their emotions were more saccharine and ham-fisted than the cheesiest of soap operas.
Some sentences that could use second look:
She waited like a Timberwolf stalking it's prey.
There bound to be another copy of it somewhere.
I'll come back when you're sleep.
Sge couldn't pinpoint it,
What not cities she do?
He knew he hurt her in side way,
6037593
I write on my my phone, autocorrect be damned...
Out of everything that's been pointed out, the only thing I have a problem with is the fact that Twilight popped her cherry. Yeah, that can happen, yeah, it's a common trope with Twilight being a virgin, and yeah, it's a natural part of the human body, but as Twilight is as bookish as possible, she should KNOW that you don't have to forcefully tear it (See this video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9qFojO8WkpA) (not actually putting it cause I don't bother to read the rules, even though I think it's just NSFW photos you can't put links to- This is a mature, rational video though). The story could've used more of the foreplay that would've prevented the whole bloody mess that is popping a cherry. It's a little odd too, because there definitely was SOME foreplay, but nothing that would've helped her. But that's just my two cents. The rest (minus grammar and spelling issues) is all fine by me.
6037978 please keep it up
its a really good story but you need to do some research on other stories that use this "ponified spike" development so it doesn't look too common. this is just my advise but pregnancy is a good topic that not many dare to take on, you think your up for the challenge? Good job, hope to read what comes next soon 
(On a side note: please get someone to proof read your chapters before uploading them, preferably no less then 3 different individuals, normally chapters that are hot off the press tend to have a lot of misspells and typos and having different people proofread them helps you make sure they don't miss anything.)
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Can I just say one thing regarding this response? Using the 'you're not mommy' comment seems like an overly simple way to go about this discussion. Let's look at actions
Spike obviously doesn't call or reffer to Twilight as his mom or even sister. But that doesn't mean that she doesn't have a motherly/sisterly role in his life (which we see through actions that she does). In fact, it's perfectly believeable that neither Twilight ot Spike would never have given it much thought, and that it just developed naturally. So yeah, they can be a bit LIKE mother and son, and LIKE siblings, but be more comforable not calling each other that way.
In short, I'd say you can’t describe their relationship in "only this" or "only that" terms. But no matter how you call it, it's a fact that Spike is very attached to Twilight and she is his 'guardian' and the older female figure that cares for him, which is why many people would be uncomfortable with this sort of fic.