Twilight Sparkle is writing a letter to princess Celestia when her Quill breaks. And so she heads to Sofas and Quills to get some more.
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werewolf435
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Well... Please be constructive with what is hopefully your many criticisms. I made this story to learn how to write, so I know it really sucks. That being said, anything in particular that you wish to point out will help me learn
(Also, I am aware that things got a bit rushed there at the end... Wasn't really sure how to fix that, so I am going to write a story specifically designed to work on both pacing and foreshadowing.)
615354 We have these now!? Darn.
The premise of the story I liked. A little cloak and dagger intruige is always nice in the right amount.
A couple of the things Celestia says are almost sensless - especially that bit about being counter accuesed of stealing the diary from the Zebra.
The pacing started out ok with the first scene, but steadily falls apart as Twilight entered Canterlot. everything is suddenly a "You must go do this thing right now" and Twilight leaps to it. This is, of course, in character for her, but there's no descriptors to the set up the scene or execution of that acticity.
character, and she begs to be written that way.
It'd be great to see Celestia drop some clues that things are not as they appear, which would actually help the less sensical stuff she said make sense in context. Likewise, it'd have been lovely to get some imagery of the castle, the sneaking, the body shift (A touch I liked), the thought processess of Twilight - she's an extremely cerebral
"This is a bad thing it could be war," to paraphrase. Diplomacy.... doesn't work like that. If you fixed this up, you could have it thrown around as a vague and somewhat mean way to provoke Twilight's paranoia and stress levels, considering who the 'lestia at work here is.
The ending needed to be way stronger. There could have been some kind of ironic tie-in, consideirng what Twilight is sent to do and what
herself is doing. A couple of paragraphs of buildup (furthering on the dramatic tension of Twilight's increasingly anxious frame of mind as she blows everything out of proportion) hinging at the 
. As it is, its a bit of a damp squib (yes the word is squib) I read it and was like 
so that's what is going on. Oh well.
With stronger buildup, I'd have found it quite funny, but not as is.
Putting Derpy on guard duty and shifting to her pov to speed things along was nicely done, overall, but it was very rough on the transition back.
In conclusion - grammar and technicalities; satisfied. - story premise; satisfied. -execution, pacing and arc; not satisfied.
615421 Eheh, yea... Pacing seems to be my main problem, along with foreshadowing.
Anywho, thanks for taking the time to post such a detailed comment. =3
Have a pony
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lopb25BI1l1qfxfos.png
It's what I do. That has to be the most adorable Dashie I've seen for some time.
ROFL. Princess Trollestia strikes again.
arch.413chan.net/1288859782062.jpg
615469 Little Dashie is buckin adorable. So much D'aawwww.
arch.413chan.net/hnng-%28n1295674009510%29.jpg
615669 Heh... Pretty much sums it up. =3
A boring story!
617824 Any particular reason you care to share?
I ask so I can improve any future writings.
617852
Nope, just an unoriginal story like every other story on this site.
617873 Well, I'm sorry you feel that way. Maybe a Dashie will cheer you up. =3
Edit: I noticed that somebody else already got RD. So to avoid disputes, your RD is being replaced. (Sorry.)
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_li7uvg4IpQ1qafrh6.png
This was a cute and funny story. Loved the Derpy part and I will never be tired of Trollestia.
wow is all i can say........sodahead.com/living/reebok-pulls-cheat-on-your-girlfriend-ads-offensive-or-funny/question-2536059/?
739441 yea, pretty bad huh? lol, don't worry though. I make a better editor than I do an author.
739530 no its actually preety good
739576 meh, the pacing is crazy, and transitions are choppy. thanks for saying so though =3
739609 your like me only i had more views
*cuts clones head of and eats it and blasts you with bass cannon
739618
you stole vinyles trademark weapon... she's gonna be ticked 
can I have your stuff when you die?
739633 i ummm at vynil on the way here
739671
Noooooooo! octavinyl can't happen without the "vinyl"!!
ok.... don't panic. I can fix this... I just need to... I need to... CLONE VINYL!!
gimme dat cannon! it's bound to have some fur in it!
739702nope pit it through the purifying machine and destroyd any trave of vynil in the world
739806 Little do you know I stole her hair brush from Tavi.
[insert creepy face here]
TO THE CLONING ROOM!
739837 *anvil drops on your head i pick up brush and eat it*
739877 You really don't want me to get my Octavinyl, do you?
Whelp, time to pull out the big guns. (Which that ship is totally worth btw... It's my one guilty pleasure as a brony, I'm a sucker for Octavinyl =3)
*opens a giant portal to the "other side" summoning Nyarlethothep, who promptly pops another Vinyl into existance before giving me a brofist and popping back out*
739887 summons he gods of choas(dow40k and discord) and turn equestria into a wasteland
739901 Lol, bucking love how you mess with people.
Anyway, to my review......Wolf, you got some errors when it comes to caplizing the names of the animals, you are always supposed to do that, plus you have a few spelling and grammer errors that did not make sense. And even though I loved how the whole thing started the ending was sort of messed up and premature....will always love Derpy though, you have no choice but to fall in love with her!
I suggest that you look over and edit the story a bit more, I liked it, but it felt rushed with how they entered into the castel and then got back out, plus how Luna just appeared out of no where, and who was the guard that Derpy was talking to?
I still don't understand. Couldn't Celestia have just summoned Twilight to come to her and give her the mission. was Spike in disguise hitting her with a brick really necessary? That aside, I liked the ending.
2457960 Heh, I was working under the assumption that Celestia was doing this because she needed someone to troll, so making things easy would be counterproductive.
Thanks for reading.